Bitch Fights

For weeks CBS tried to stop ABC's Big Brother knock-off The Glass House from seeing the light of your TV screen. CBS felt like ABC pulled some copyright infringement shit by basically copying everything about Big Brother and hiring former BB producers. Those bitches at CBS tried everything. They went to a judge, tried to get a restraining order against ABC and even left a severed Mickey Mouse costume head in the beds of every ABC executive. It didn't work. The Glass House aired on Monday, I watched it, I felt ashamed, I voted, I felt even more ashamed for voting and CBS is madder than ever. There's not much CBS can do at this point except spill the tea. AND HOW! The C in CBS must stand for cunts, because they went all out in a fake press release where they announced their two new shows Dancing ON the Stars and Postermodern Family. This has to be the funniest thing CBS has ever produced. via Deadline:

CBS ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF “DANCING ON THE STARS,” AN EXCITING AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL REALITY PROGRAM THAT OWES ITS CONCEPT AND EXECUTION TO NOBODY AT ALL

Los Angeles, June 21, 2012 – Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.

The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.

The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.

“This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”

“After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

There's already a Dancing On the Stars. It's called Lindsay Lohan forever tap dancing on Marilyn Monroe's grave.

Okay, I love that CBS is putting the pain they feel in their chapped asses into words and I love the bitter bitchiness they're throwing at ABC, but do they realize that they're fighting over The Glass House. I've seen The Glass House. That piece of shit show isn't worth fighting for. That's like two day-shift hookers fighting over the worst corner on the ho stroll or two sluts fighting over a dude with erectile dysfunction. Besides, every show copies every show. Glee copied Kids Inc., Finding Bigfoot copied Khloe & Lamar, etc, etc...

That said, I'd totally watch both of CBS' fake shows.

One time, I popped an imaginary bag of popcorn while watching a bizarre bitch fight between a middle-aged BBC (big beautiful chola) wearing Adidas house slippers with black tube socks and a 20-something manufactured blond trick who obviously had a quote from The Hills as her e-mail signature and who told all her friends she was a personal shopper when she was really a dressing room attendant at Wet Seal. Yes, she was the kind of bitch who says "We also have that blouse in chartreuse!" way too often. The BBC and Miss Wet Seal had it out, because Miss Wet Seal rolled her eyes when BBC asked Miss Wet Seal to take her Juicy Couture tote bag off of the seat next to her so BBC could sit down.

There are three things you do never do to a chola. You never touch her hair, you never change the oldies station on her car radio and you never roll your eyes at her. They went at it the entire time and since you will always wait a minimum of 47 hours at the DMV, it was a marathon show! What I'm getting at is that the DMV is a wondrous place where the carpet is dirtier than the toilets, the employees permanently hate life and two hos from two different worlds create entertainment for everyone by snapping at each other. It's a beautiful. Twitter reminds me of the DMV, because it's a place on the Internet where random feud fights go down. Case in point: The Silver Fox vs. M.I.A.!

Out of nowhere yesterday, M.I.A. called Anderson Cooper out on Twitter for calling her a terrorist during one of his shows. In this fight, the part of Miss Wet Seal will be played by M.I.A. and the part of the BBC will be played by Anderson Cooper (because he gives the best burns):

M.I.A. - @AndersonCooper called me a terrorist for speaking out , and expressed support for the SLgov when this was happening

AC - @miauniverse, you are mistaken. I never called you a terrorist. I don't even know who you are other than the lady who sang at Super Bowl.

I'm going to press pause on this Twitter fight for a second to put that last Tweet into GIF form:

Moving on:

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper YOU CALLED ME A LADY TAMIL TIGER when i talked about tamil civilians dying, and u printed a retraction http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/02/lady-tamil-tiger-gives-pop-culture-a-bang/?hpt=ac_mid. @andersoncooper in 2009 u linked to a articl that was written about me with false info. there was a rebuttal on ur 360 site.

AC - @miauniverse. by the way, I defended your finger pointing at the superbowl, so check your facts. I've no idea what youre tweeting about. @miauniverse you've gone from saying "I wrote", "I called you," to saying my cnn show blog had a link to an article. Big difference

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper p.s thank you for defending my finger , please watch Channel4

AC - @miauniverse I can understand your frustration if someone wrote untrue things about you, and I'm glad you were able to respond.

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper im glad u understand but please watch #killingfields because this is what i was trying to say.

In the end, The Silver Fox and M.I.A. (that sounds like two code names in the messiest CIA team ever) kissed and made up. It's actually a non-story, but I had to post it, because it's always a beautiful day when The Silver Fox licks his finger to put some sizzle on a bitch. You know he snapped his fingers and smacked his lips after he Tweeted that comeback. Serve a trick for talking out of turn, AC!

via E! News

Thank the heavens, FINALLY, something interesting happened. Somewhere between the fifty RUSSELL AND KATY SPLIT articles and watching paint dry, Michael K pulled a little gem out of his no-no that will make all of our black hearts smirk with satisfaction. Celebitchy reports that the World Bitch Slap Championship has been scheduled at the Golden Globe Awards, and the headliners are Angelina Jolie and Madonna. I usually avoid the celebs-slobbering-on-themselves awards shows like LeAnn Rhimes avoids a cheeseburger, but suddenly the GGs are sparking my interest.

This battle has been brewing for awhile. Back in 2006, when Madonna adopted her son David, Angie threw shade all over her ass in an interview where she said “Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where (David) was born. It’s a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption. Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal.” Hahaha that Angie, always making jokes. Apparently Angie didn't like Madge muscling in on her save the children territory, and thought her copy-cat ass should stick to thrusting her memaw crotch in time to her music. Anyway, the bad blood has continued to flow between these two in a passive-aggressive death by a thousand cuts fest since then.

Interestingly, the two have never met, although Madonna's ex Guy Ritchie and Brad Pitt were really good friends and hung out every chance they got. So that brings us to the Golden Globes, where Madonna's W.E. has gotten nods for music and technical awards and Angelina's In the Land of Blood and Honey has a Best Foreign Film nomination. It will be the first time the two are nose job to cheek implant. God please, if you will seat them at adjoining tables, I will never smoke weed again!!! Okay, only on days ending in Y. I swear though, I will give it up permanently if MK drunk blogs and it goes a little something like this.