Benicio Del Toro
As Kristin Davis and the daughter she adopted a couple of weeks ago get pushed to the side, Kimbo Stewart poses with the baby girl she made with Benicio Del Toro during a drunken night of romance when they ignored what their pack leaders said and gladly partook in wolf and mare sex. One of my friends (Yes, I have one of those. And yes, she only appears to me in a cloud of bong smoke.) said that Kimbo's daughter Delilah looks like her Ukrainian grandma sans a head scarf and a lip mole that resembles a piece of ground beef. But to me, Delilah looks exactly like Benicio in the face. Delilah is even howling out yonder and eying the landscape for squirrels to catch. Just like her daddy! Kimbo told Hello! that she thinks her baby looks Benicio-ish in the face and that he's involved in his daughter's life (translation: the check clears every month):
"The whole family, including Benicio, was at the hospital and my mom and Benicio were in the delivery room with me. Benicio's very involved, he and Delilah have a very special bond. I named her after the Tom Jones song, as I'd always loved that. She definitely looks like her dad, but she has my legs and eye colour."
Saying shit like "she has my legs" is better than saying "she has my ass," which I've seen on Facebook before from a fucked up individual (I am not naming names). So either Kimbo has short, stubby roly poly legs that smell like Johnson's or Delilah has long furry legs made for stompin' snakes. I'm going to say it's the first one.
In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro's wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart's equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend. Benicio and Kimbo still haven't officially released the name of their spawn since they're waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart's old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show.
And "I'm a grandfather now," he chirps, singing out the name Delilah, born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). "I've been going around blabbing that for hours now."
There's half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns).
The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio's "hungover Gaddafi face" for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.
That story about Kimbo Stewart making a fetus with Benicio Del Toro was not a bizarre hallucination your imagination burped up after you were knocked out in a teabagging gone wrong incident involving Cisco Adler's "baby elephant in a long tube sock" nuts. It is a true thing. The rabies-infested wolf hobo of Puerto Rico actually rode Kimbo Stewart bareback and as he howled and she neighed, a wolf-horse hybrid was created. (This proves that not all interspecies love is made of adorable.) And now UsWeekly says that the baby who will remind us all that Kimbo and Benicio fucked once has arrived!
While her daddy Rod Stewart and her mom Alana Collins were at the hospital, Kimbo sprawled herself out on a bed of hay and pushed out a baby girl who weighed in at 8lbs and 9oz. Benicio and Kimbo are not together as a couple, so who knows if he showed up at the hospital to welcome his new daughter to his pack by licking her ear fur and sucking the mites out of her neck.
Kimbo hasn't said what she's named her daughter, but bitch has to know that there's only one right name and that's Wattafuck Del Toro-Stewart. Because that's pretty much what everyone's going to shout when Baby Wattafuck tells them that her mom is Kimbo Stewart and her dad is Benicio Del Toro.