Just like Tom Hiddleston did, Ben Affleck will live on a $1.50 food budget to raise awareness for global poverty. Starting on April 29th, Ben will eat a boiled egg for breakfast, popcorn for lunch, ketchup packet soup for dinner and he'll have to smoke actual weeds from his backyard instead of marijuana. Or he can just starve all day and only drink a small coffee from Starbucks or nibble really, really slow on a Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich from Carl's Jr. It'll be like being in college again.
The annual Live Below The Poverty Line Initiative announced today that Josh Groban, Debi Mazar and Sofia Bush will also be joining Ben's ass:
We are excited to announce that Ben Affleck will be joining us in the Live Below The Line USA challenge next week. He will be supporting Eastern Congo Initiative (ECI). Join Ben, Sophia Bush, Josh Groban, and thousands of others around the world as we raise attention and funds for some of the best charities out there in the fight against extreme poverty.
I was going to say that Goopy Paltrow should join them since she's always starving herself, so she might as well do it for charity. But when she fasts, she drinks amniotic fluid from a Northern White Rhino and nibbles on dried petals from a rare Ghost Orchid and those things cost way more than $1.50 a day. Goopy can't even breathe for less than $1.50, because the machine that pumps purified air into her townhouse costs a lot more than that to run. Goopy will just have her business manager cut a check.
I'd like to think that a car driving by was blasting "One" from A Chorus Line and the music made Ben Affleck bust into his one-man kick line, but that's not what's happening here. After picking his 4-year-old daughter Seraphina up from school, Ben took her to the Brentwood County Mart and when they got there he found a bunch of paps waiting for him. Ben's b-hole started to boil up when the paps got too close to his daughter and so he started kicking at those bitches the same way Jennifer Garner has to kick out his side whores when she finds them naked in the pool house.
A source type tells TMZ that Ben never touched the pap with his foot and only kicked out his leg to show the paps how far they need to keep away from his daughter. The source says that the paps keep getting bolder and bolder and it's scaring Seraphina so much that it's making her cry. So Ben brought out his mama bear martial arts skills by kicking at those hos.
Even though Ben claims that his foot never touched that pap, I'm sure that pap will still say that the gust of wind created by Ben's flying foot made him fall to the ground, hit his head on a cement parking log and drop his $5,000 camera. The pap suffered a major concussion, his $5,000 camera is broken and he instantly developed a severe fear of flying legs. The pap will never be able to enjoy a Rockettes show again! He will sue for emotional and physical damages.
It must've been a slow day on the stroll if the paps are taking pictures of Ben Affleck. Who cares about Ben Affleck? The Oscars are over! There's brighter stars on the stroll like Phoebe Price. You know what these celeb whores need to do when they don't want to get their picture taken? They need to call up international supermodel Chicken Cutlets, because she'll show up and distract the paps with her world-class posing skills while they do whatever it is you do at the Brentwood County Mart. PP will save them.
And since you don't really care about looking at pictures of Ben Affleck, here's also some pictures of PP being demure and graceful on the stroll a couple of weeks ago.
You know it's a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology's bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein's greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody's talking about how John Travolta can't pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I'm sure Moses himself parted Travolta's wig. I'm not talking about Moses from the bible, I'm talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.
Travolta didn't only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.
Here's a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we're on the subject of lush beards, let's pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.
If you're a dude and you're not 1995 Nick Carter or a highly skilled Canadian carpenter who can easily turn a dingy basement into an $800/a month apartment, then you should proceed with caution when attempting to part your hair in the middle. Note to dudes everywhere: the middle part is a privilege and not a right.
God gave most dudes fingers and just because we have God-given fingers doesn't mean we should use that shit to part our hair in the middle. Sometimes a finger does you good (see: self-fingering) and sometimes it does you wrong (see: middle parted hair). Learn from Bradley Cooper's ass. B. Coop wore middle parted hair to the National Board of Review Awards Gala in NYC last night and it made him look like an overgrown man child who spends his lunch break licking the crotch part of ladies panties in the intimate apparel section at JcPenney. That's the kind of evil power the middle part has. Part with caution!
Here's some dudes at last night's National Board of Review Awards Gala who got the memo and did not attempt the middle part: Ben Affleck, Chris Tucker, John C. Reilly and Daniel Craig.
Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there's no truth to that shit.
According to the Huffington Post:
"I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office," he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.
Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE'LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.
"Cheater Kristen Wrecking Another Marriage?" was the hilarious question on InTouch Weekly's cover a month ago when Ben Affleck signed on to star opposite Kristen Stewart in a movie that required them to bump genital guards under bright lights in front of a film crew. InTouch basically said that Jennifer Garner should use a neti pot every day to keep her nostrils clean, because she's going to need to sniff his dick for the scent of weed-infused saliva when he comes home from the set. But Jennifer Garner doesn't need to do that anymore, because Ben Affleck dropped out.
Focus was written by the same writers who wrote Crazy Stupid Love and it's about a con man who falls in love with a con woman and doesn't know if he should choose her or the con. BLAH. It was supposed to star Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, but right after they quit that bitch, Ben Affleck jumped on. Shortly after Ben Affleck signed on, a thousand "this is like Ben and Blake Lively all over again" jokes came up when Kristen Stewart signed on for the con chick role. Variety says that Ben really wanted to do the movie, but he's
not looking to make Gigli 2 too busy with other projects. They're looking for another dude to replace him.
Please. Ben Affleck really exited stage left, because he knows that he just doesn't have the trained skills as a thespian to handle the carousel of raw emotions that Kristen Stewart throws at her co-stars during scenes. Stick to your fluff movies like Argo, Ben Affleck!
And every time KStew signs up for a movie, are we going to get a story about how she's going to fuck her married co-star? Do we really need to turn her into some master seductress who can pull a married man's ring off of his finger with her coochie? Sienna Miller, she ain't.
Thank you to the paparazzo who showed us that Stacy Keibler and George Clooney look kind of cute when he casually whispers in her ear, "What's your name again, toots? One of those tricks with a mic might ask me."
The U.S. unemployment rate did not rise by 0.000001% today, because Stacy Keibler still has a job. At last night's premiere of Argo in Beverly Hills, Stacy and George answered to those pink slip rumors the only way they know how: with a completely natural love party on the red carpet. You can tell that George still has love for Stacy, because he's barely even looking at her! This makes me feel things, because it's like looking at most of my past dates. "I just bought you a slice of pizza and you want me to make eye contact with you too? DAMN. What's next? You're going to whine about how I don't completely stop the car when I push you out the door while dropping you off. Ungrateful!"
George is probably keeping Stacy around for another awards season, because he realized that he's too old for this shit. And by "this shit," I mean training another award show escort on how to Magic Erase the word "marriage" from her vocabulary and how to always stand to his right, because his left side is his magic side. I, for one, am glad George is not trading this trick in for a newer trick, because learning a new name is exhausting for all of us.
And speaking of having the chemistry of an urethra wart and tap water, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were also there last night!
Somewhere in L.A., a newborn baby boy is looking up at Ben Affleck's grizzly man ass face and wondering why his father is the unabomber sketch. That is a face that'll make you wanna call America's Most Wanted.
People is hearing from a source that 6-year-old Violet and 3-year-old Seraphina are big sisters to a brother with an unknown name who was born in Santa Monica, CA. Jennifer Garner said a while ago that Ben is cool with a boy or a girl, but you know his ass was just putting on a front, because he's the kind of dude who's been keeping a collection of Red Sox onesies for the son he's always wanted. So Ben's finally got the son of his dreams! Unless....his son ends up like me and would rather dye his She-Ra doll's hair red with food coloring than even glance at a baseball for five seconds.
I'm going to temporarily ignore the winks coming from all those "cheating A-list actor staying with his actress wife for the sake of their unborn child" blind items to talk about the name. We don't know the name yet, but if they're going to keep with the flower or bible theme, I'm guessing they'll go with Dandelion Affleck or Hosanna Affleck. They'll probably name him Matt Damon Affleck, but part of me hopes they'll name him Farnsworth Umbrella Blake. You know, so he can go by F.U. Blake for short.
Here's Benjamin Géza Affleck-Boldt in wig to ankle polyester with Alan Arkin on the Hollywood set of the movie he's directing and starring in called Argo. That skull bra of synthetic follicles on his head looks like it's slightly better quality than the wig that comes in the Pimp Mama Kris costume pack at the Whoretown Halloween store.
As for my very important headline question, I'm sure most of you sluts would check the box marked "NOT WHILE SOBER" since this is a forest backdrop and a hand-to-face-pose away from looking like your daddy in an Olan Mills portrait session circa 1977 . In the 70s, my dad looked like if Judge Ito played the title role in Welcome Back, Kotter, so it's safe for me to say that I'D HIT IT!
I truly believe that you haven't begun to scoop up all of life's beautiful moments until you've heard the line "Watch the wig!" from a piece while sitting on their face.
With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.
A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.
No other details were released.
Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.
Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.