On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she'll never appear on a show full-time again, because she'll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who's going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who's going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who's going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who's going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical crazy shit? Don't say Elisabeth Hasselcrack, because apparently she's leaving The View too.
As Marcia Cross breathed a sigh of relief over the fact that she won't see Barbara Walter's face on TV anymore, Babawawa said this about quitting the bitch that is TV:
“I have been on television continuously for over 50 years, but in the summer of 2014, a year from now, I plan to retire from appearing on television at all — it has been an absolutely joyful, rewarding, challenging, fascinating and occasionally bumpy ride. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m perfectly healthy, this is my decision, and I have been thinking about it for a long time. This is what i want to do. I will, however, continue as co-executive producer of The View with Bill Getty as long as the program is here. There will be special occasions that I will come back — I’m not walking into the sunset, but I don’t want to appear on another program, I don’t want to climb another mountain. I want instead to sit on a very sunny field and admire other women who will be taking my place and most of all, I want to thank everybody here. I’ve had an amazing career beyond anything I could ever imagined. And I hope I may inspire other women to make television. I smile when some young women say I grew up watching you on TV — it’s their time now. But remember, I have a whole year to go. We have exciting things planned for ABC News and The View and most of all, I want to say hi to all of you who have been watching me for so many years and you have traveled the same road that I have. I thank you, thank you, thank you.”
And Henry Kissinger better watch out, because Barbara now has the time to bone his glasses off. Break out the Astroglide!
via Hollywood Life
Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
As Whoopi Goldberg and The Tasmanian Devil's twin sister, Sherri Shepherd, tried to contain themselves while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO on the inside, Barbara Walters announced on The View today that Elisabeth Hasselback will terrorize viewers for as long as she wants to. The rumor was that Elisabeth was put on the curb, because test audiences don't like her and think she's too right wing. But Gossip Cop says that Barbara denied all of this on today's show and told everyone to stop singing "ding dong the Hasselcrack is dead," because the Hasselcrack is very much alive on The View....for now.
"There is a particularly false story that is getting picked up about Elisabeth’s alleged departure, saying we don’t approve of her conservative views. The truth is we love Elisabeth. I like her personally, and she’s a wonderful person. But beyond that, we value and appreciate her point of view. It’s important to us, because Elisabeth helps give the show perspective and balance. And believe me, she’s tougher than she looks. We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave this show. Having said that to all of you, Bill [The View's producer] and I have always said that when one of you makes the choice to leave [we won't stop you]."
Translation: "I'm still waiting for that resignation letter, Hasselcrack."
Barbara also confirmed that Joy Behar is leaving the round table of ridiculousness at the end of this season.
If Hasselcrack did leave The View, guests would have to find another trick to throw side-eyes at and completely ignore. And that somebody would've been Sherri Shepherd, so The Tasmanian Lady Devil should be breathing out ten sighs of relief over the fact that the shrieking blond mouse is staying.
Starting next week, American Idol is trying it again and we'll all get to see the scripted drama between Mimi and Nicki Minaj play out as Ryan Gaycrest cries over what he's become into a custom-made silicone mold of Simon Cowell's tits. To promote the #1 scripted telenovela on network TV, Mimi did an interview with her VERY good friend (so says Babawaawaawwa a million times over) Barbara Walters and of course the subject of her bitch brawl with the Fraggle Rock refugee came up. Skip to the 3 minute mark to see these freshly polished diamonds provided by Mimi and Barbara:
1. Barbara saying "I'm quick to check a bitch if she is out of line" when talking about a song Nicki Minaj did about American Idol. That line is totally going to be the title for Barbara Walter's upcoming tell-all about what it's like working with Elisabeth Hasselcrack.
2. When Barbara asks Mimi if she's the bitch Nicki is singing about, the not-so-cowardly lioness gently yanks a bitch's wig by responding with, "I didn't know she sang. I thought she rapped, or whatever." YAASSS! That is Mimi's second greatest act of sheer bitchery behind her classic "Que Es A JLo?" moment.
3. Mimi calling American Idol a "classic, classy show." Mimi is spot-on with that description, but AI's title as the classiest show on television is all thanks to Rhonetta.
You know what's REALLY classic? This shade throwing moment from Mimi. Add it to the pile.
Welcome back, because I'm assuming that right after you read "Lindsay Lohan pulls out of Barbara Walters," you either hacked up bits of your stomach into your hand or went off to look for the old lady lezzie version of a Lemon Party.
For those of you hoping to see Lindsay Lohan make White Oprah proud by slurring and drooling her way through an interview with Barbara Walters, you'll have to go down to your local bus station and watch a junkie hobo get into a fight with the wind instead, because the interview is off. Deadline says that LiLo was supposed to promote the crack-stuffed Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick by talking to Barbara Walters on 20/20, but her new pr team Rogers & Cowan canceled it. TMZ says that Blohan only agreed to the interview in the first place, because Barbara Walters said she would only stick with questions about Liz & Dick. But last week, the producers of 20/20 told Blohan's people that Barbara will ask her questions about her mess of a life including lying to the cops about crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Blohan's publicists pulled her out of the interview, because they don't trust that she won't say something that could mess up her case. LiLo is apparently sad about canceling her date with Barbara, because she considers her a family friend and will reschedule the interview later, blah blah blah.
Can you believe that Barbara was going to ask questions, specifically questions about that trick's personal life? It's not like Lindsay Lohan is only famous because of her personal life and it's not like she only got that Lifetime movie because of her personal life, and it's not like Barbara only wanted to interview her to talk about her personal life. How dare Barbara! LiLo's pr whores were smart to cancel on Barbara, because she's an unprofessional journalist. 20/20 should get Diane Sawyer to do the interview instead:
Obviously Diane Sawyer GETS Lindsay Lohan. (Side note: I love Diane Sawyer more than Diane Sawyer loves on-the-job boozing.)
"Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up..." is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.
Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, "If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch," while walking off set. Mimi doesn't feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she's commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they'd probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.
Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here's just a few of Nicki's insane tweets:
Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.
Barbara walters didn't reach out from our team barbz. I guess we're too dangerous. Don't shake if u don't wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo
I don't call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.
I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we've had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn
I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I'm bout to po dot tea.
All I do is compliment u. That's not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don't have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady...
Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole' lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.
Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney's arm at last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you've got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn't plastic in Barbara's cheeks. That's an orgasm!
George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender's peen.
And in case you missed it, here's the White House Correspondents' Dinner's prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night's party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel's act):
And here's even more pictures of even more hos at last night's dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, was so and so there?" The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody!