Arnold Schwarzenegger

Brigitte Nielsen wrote in her memoirs last year that she hopped on Arnold Schwarzenegger's schnitzel a few times while shooting Red Sonja in 1984, but he kept his tramp lips shut about it until now. Arnold's got his own book coming out next week and since books don't just jump to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list by themselves, he's finally spilling it about the time he bumped bare pecs with Gitte.

According to Time, the former Governor of Mildred Baena's Chocha admits that while he was living with Maria Shriver,  he had a fuck party with Gitte. Arnold writes that getting with Gitte helped him realize that he wanted to marry Maria. Time put it like this:

Schwarzenegger and Nielsen co-starred in the 1985 film “Red Sonja.” Nielsen wrote in a memoir published last year that she and Schwarzenegger had an “outrageous affair” while making the movie and that she didn’t know until later that he was involved with Shriver.

Schwarzenegger writes that he knew the fling with Nielsen wouldn’t last and in fact it only made him realize that he wanted to marry Shriver.

Maria Shriver probably didn't even waste energy on rolling her eyes at this, because Arnold has dicked everything and anything. Arnold has the Flat Stanley of dicks. It's been everywhere. And Gitte should take it as a compliment that when Arnold was humping on her, he looked deep up into her flaring nostrils and only saw the image of him ruining Maria's life by marrying her. Bitch dodged a bullet, because if she married Arnold, it'd end with her rolling around in the grass of a Studio City park while drunk on Popov vodka (that's Russian for "given up on life"). Oh, wait...

And here's some pictures from a couple of weeks ago of Arnold hanging out with a hot friend while looking like a blind ostrich who's pumped up on the wrong kind of hormones.

Damn, was she on the juice, too? Cheeks! Jesus is being the opposite of helpful to Maria Shriver this holiday season. TMZ is reporting that she's (blue)waffling on actually divorcing husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her issue? Going through with the divorce is difficult for her because of her Catholic upbringing. Let's be honest - does it seem like God has ever really smiled upon the Kennedys? Sweetie, become a Protestant and sign off on those papers.

Shit, there's no divorce loophole in the Bible for when he fucks the maid full of child? When you actually live through some "he had a whole other secret family and she worked in my house and smiled at me every morning WHILE PREGNANT WITH MY HUSBAND'S CHILD" shit out of a One Life To Live episode? If the Catholic version of God is half the awesome guy he's supposed to be, he'd ignite a bush and give her the OK in this situation.

Oh, and they spent the holiday together according to People and had "a really nice time." If the source for the report was Maria, a "really nice time" probably means she did that thing to him from Casino Royale where Daniel Craig got his naked ass sat in the chair without a bottom and got whipped on his ass and balls with big rope.

Looking like a geriatric orangutan dipped in teriyaki sauce and dehydrated under a heat lamp, Arnold Schwarzenegger went biking in California on Sunday and threw a little Austrian shade at Maria Shriver by wearing an "I Survived Maria" t-shirt. TMZ says that the shirts were made by Maria's office as a farewell joke when the Governator left office in 2007. Some ho (aka the latest maid while Arnold I'll be backdoored her on the kitchen island) used a Sharpie to cross out 2007 and write in "1997," which was the year that Maria started riding on that strudel muscle bag.

Apparently, Maria and Arnold have been playing nice during their divorce settlement negotiations and they talk every day, but wearing this shirt is still a mess. Arnold is just a pile of wet dumb. Not because he got caught barebacking a baby out of the maid and shouldn't kick at Maria while she's down. That's not why. You know I'm a disciple of cunt shade.

Arnold is as dumb as tumah skin for wearing that shirt, because he's still in the middle of divorce negotiations and he's already bragging like he's sashayed away without a dime missing from his wallet. Arnold hasn't survived shit yet. Just for that, I hope Maria takes everything including that shirt. Then I hope she cuts that shirt into a pussy pastie and crosses out the word "Maria" and writes "AHHHHHHNALD." Or "Tumaaaaah." They basically mean the same thing.

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger's leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it's been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K's Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I'm proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book "In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas". Till then, I'll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

Wouldn't you think that Mildred Baena had her pick of nearly every journalist and reporter for her first interview? Mildred could've commanded mah boo Anderson Cooper to get topless and do the entire interview while pinching his areola as though the questions were coming from his nipple slits and the thought of record-breaking ratings would've forced him to do so. (I will never forgive THAT BITCH Mildred for not taking advantage of that opportunity.)

But Mildred chose to speak for the first time to the UK's Hello! magazine. Most hos choose to give their exclusive story to Hello! magazine, because they really want to say Hello! to a six-figure check. However, Mildred resembles resents that statement and her lawyer tells TMZ that she wasn't paid a dollar for her story. Mildred just wanted to tell the real truth about how she and Arnold tried to further positive relations between Guatemala and Austria by bareback boning each other. Here's what her lawyer said:

"Mildred was tired of people selling their lies to the media or claiming to speak for her when they do not ... She gave the interview in order to set the record straight once and for all.

All she wanted to do was put the lies and rumors to rest. And we believe that she has done that through this interview."

Apparently, the freelance reporter who spoke to Mildred and gave the story to Hello! is friendly with her lawyer.

Up until yesterday, not many people knew what Mildred and Arnold's son really looked like since most of the media blurred his face out. So that leads me to the question: What kind of stupido madre whores out her son's face for free?!!!!!!?

The pain that throbbed in the hearts of fellow child pimps Kris Jenner, White Oprah and Joe Jackson after reading this hurtful news is strong enough to power a slap machine to hit Mildred in her dumb face over and over again. And she deserves it! If you're going to kill your son's privacy at least do it while wearing a hot outfit you bought with your blood money. A shame!

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold's son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph's biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

"It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, "Get off your knees, trollop! I ain't my husband."

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he's part Schwarzenegger and said it was "cool" when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it's just bitch's checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the "love and respect" part, I'm beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

Or is it she's the modern day La Pequena Marilyn Monroe? I'm not sure. But Entertainment Tonight got a hold of this home movie of the mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child cooing out Happy Birthday ala Marilyn Monroe at her niece's quince party a few years ago. This is the same quince that Arnold and Maria allegedly paid for and attended. Arnold wasn't around when Mildred pushed this little number out (which sort of looks like she's farting, queefing and burping at the same time in extra slow motion) or I'm she would've wiggled her chichis something extra.

No, seriously, this confirms what we've known all along: Mildred Baena is this generation's Marilyn Monroe! I can't wait to see Mira Sorvino, Ashley Judd, Michelle Williams, Sunny Thompson, Sophie Monk, Samantha Morton, Poppy Montgomery and Catherine Hicks play her in a movie!

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a secret love child over ten years ago when The Los Angeles Times started poking at his dangling baby batter bags (ugh) and asking all sorts of questions. There's a story going around today that Maria Shriver is the one who planted the seed in The L.A. Times that grew into Arnold's nightmare. TMZ says that when Arnold told Maria that he made a baby with their former maid, the glare of a lightning bolt illuminated her skeletal face, showing the look of malicious revenge in her eyes.

If my husband of a million years fucked a secret baby out of the maid and lied to me about it, I'd pay him back by spray painting the word WHORE all over his car right after I verbally assaulted him at his job. This is what most people would do. But the Kennedys are not most people. They hold press conferences! A source says that Maria wanted to pull the blanket off of Arnold's scandal during a press conference. Maria's people quickly talked her out of that idea and advised her to leak the story to the L.A. Times instead. Arnold apparently knows that it was Maria who threw up the jig.

I have now learned that Maria Shriver is not the one to screw with. Maria will destroy you even if it means a teenager will now be called the Latino Schwarzenegger by his classmates at school. I have also learned that I will do whatever (or whoever) it takes to win one of those golden fist awards.

Because Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, knows all, Jane Seymour was one of the first to say The Sperminator spawned at least two more secret love children and she wouldn't be surprised if there's more out there (cue up The X-Files theme). According to biographer Ian Halperin, there are more mini Ahnolds in the world who can bench press 100lbs with their eyeballs and rip a onesie just by flexing their baby biceps. Basically, when Arnold wasn't groping on anything with lady nipples, he was spraying his load everywhere.

Ian tells the Daily Mail that he has spoken to six women who claim that Mildred Baena isn't the only side piece whose eggs got turned into Schwarzeneggs (sorry for that). Ian goes on to explain, "You’re going to see a plethora of other women come out of the woodwork."

The Daily Mail piece also claims that Arnold never gets down with "gorgeous women" because he doesn't want to be upstaged by their beauty and needs his women to worship him. Arnold has forever been Austria's biggest man whore and he sees most women as objects who are only here to give his ego an erection.

What I'm learning about all of this is that if reincarnation exists, Arnold will definitely be reincarnated into a male seahorse in an ocean of female seahorses. Arnold will become the Michelle Duggar of male seahorses. I'm also learning that this is turning out to be exactly like the Tiger Woods saga. But instead of cocktail waitresses selling their gross stories to The National Enquirer, we're about to get a dozen "Yup, I'm Arnie's secret love child too!" covers of American Baby Magazine.

If the #1 item on Arnie's cum bucket list is to go into the Guinness Book of World Records as the slut who has heard Maury say the words "You ARE the father!!!" the most times, then bitch is well on his way to achieving that goal.

And shit just got escandalosoier (escandalosier is a word that was born just to describe this mess). At about the same time The Sperminator's sperm Austrian front hugged Maria Shriver's ovary, he did the same thing to his housekeeper/side-piece Mildred Baena. Maria and Mildred were knocked up with Arnold's baby at the same time. I've said this before, but this saga truly has all the ingredients for the kind of prime-time novella that would make my abuelita slap me in the mouth if I talked to her during it (the true sign of some good shit).

TMZ posted the above picture of Mildred laughing without a care in the world at her baby shower in 1997. Maria's "care" should be that she's carrying her boss' baby and she's defying the laws of Maury by telling everyone that it's her husband's (they have since divorced) child.

Maria gave birth to Christopher on September 27, 1997. Less than a week later, Mildred birthed out Arnold's secret love child on October 2, 1997.

I didn't think it was possible, but Arnold actually out-whored and out-dimwitted Tiger Woods! Hell, Arnold even out-whored my own father who previously held California's gold medal for man whoring. Take a bow, Arnold! Imagine what those boys are thinking. They should be thinking about what really matters. Take it from me. When my mother told me I had a half-brother the same age as me, I only asked her if he was better looking than me (answer: yes) and if my dad spent more money on him (answer: yes). You know, the important questions!