A SANS FARDS Anna Paquin took one of her twins for a walk with a friend in Venice, CA yesterday when they ran into a paparazzo in the wild. When a mama bear comes across a threat in the wild, she sometimes rips out the throat of that threat to protect her young and Anna did the non-violent human version of that by flipping a bitch off. Don't threaten me with a good time, Soooookeh.
When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever used my middle finger when out in the wild. Sometimes my middle finger would come up when a car would almost hit my ass or a crazed biker would almost decapitate my toes with their wheels, but it didn't happen that often. But since I've moved to L.A. and road rage has become my favorite sport, I use my middle finger all the time. Flipping a whore off while perfectly mouthing the words "fuck you, asshole" gives me a quick shot of happiness like nothing else.
And it's a damn shame that Sookeh's covering her kid's face and he can't see her flipping a ho off, because you're never too young to learn that the middle finger is one of the most useful tools in civilization.
Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can't take the spotlight away from Soookeh's movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that's what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.
Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford's pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna's Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don't bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.
Here's a few pictures of some other hos at last night's party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens.... keep Anna away from him!),
Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.
On a recent night at Merlotte's, Anna Paquin sprawled out onto the pool table and hollered out a chorus of orgasm moans as her body twitched and pushed out two ethereal orbs of light that turned out to be two fairy vampire babies. No, True Blood isn't just a show. It's also a documentary about fairy birth and Anna Paquin is a fairy in real life.
A rep for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that after being knocked up for what felt like a quick second, Sookeh birthed out twins sometime recently.
“We can confirm that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer recently welcomed their twins into the world. The babies were born a few weeks early, but are in good health and both Mom and Dad are overjoyed.”
The rep didn't offer up a name or even say if Sookeh and Beeehl had two boys, two girls or one of each. I'm going to go ahead and guess that Sookeh and Beehl haven't come up with names yet, because she's been too busy trying to explain herself after the twins came out looking like this:
Eventually they'll call them Eric Lafayette and Erica Pamara.
Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?
As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.
As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye. Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.
I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.
Soooooookeeeeehhhh's nymph womb is now filled with a fairy vampire human baby (a "Walter Mercado" for short) she made with Beeeeeehl. Reps for 29-year-old Anna Paquin and 42-year-old Stephen Moyer tell Entertainment Weekly that she's knocked up with her first child and his third. Sookeh will pop out her fairy vampire baby on the floor of Merlotte's sometime this fall.
Yes, Sookeh and Beehl's babeh will have eyes like a squinting possum (from him) and a tooth gap that can fit a domino, but it will get to call ASkars "uncle" and I'm sure they'll name it Lafayette Teacup Human Paquin-Moyer. I'm already jealous of it and will find a to glamour it to think it's me so we can trade places (mostly so I can call ASkars "uncle").
Unfortunately, those True Blood hos are almost finished filming the next season so they're not going to pull a Betty Draper by giving us a Fat Sookeh. DAMN.
If my fuck parts produced the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, ASkars, Joe Mangina-Jello and Ryan Kwanten (Beeehl and his soggy crepe-wrapped zombie face are not invited) would've shown up wearing only thongs made out of bloody vampire fangs and gold chains attached to each other's nipples, and they would've gotten ALL THE ATTENTION. But since my fuck parts didn't produce the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, those three showed up wearing wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin (Chuck Woolery shout out!). Instead, all of the attention went to Evan Rachel Wood and her Flowbee fresh haircut. BOOOO.
Evan Rachel Wood showed up looking like the Happy Hour-shift bartender at an L-Word themed bar and tells Popeater that she cut the locks that Marilyn Manson used to nibble pie bits out of, because she's really androgynous.
"I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls... I'm into androgyny in general. I'm constantly changing, I'm constantly growing. I think I'm a little controversial? I just try and keep some mystery, so hopefully people can't really put their finger on it."
You know what I want to put my finger on? Her tongue, so she can shut up with that "I'M SO EDGY! I'M SUCH A PRINCE SONG! I'M SO NOW!!!" crap. Bitch is about as mysterious as a pus-filled wart on Paris Hilton's labia. Bitch needs to change into a mouth gag and kindly sit down. Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick.
These little wet noodle hos think that if they chop their hair off and put on pants, they are suddenly the second coming of Tilda Swinton. Newsflash, bitch, looking like a recently divorced French teacher who came back from summer break with a "hot new" cut she got from the head stylist at MasterCuts is not EDGY. ........wait. Since I put it that way, maybe this is edgy and new after all. Carry on, Evan!
Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere. In case you haven't been introduced yet: ERW, PAM!!!! with her husband, Ryan Kwanten, Joe Mangina-Jello, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, ASkars, Carrie Preston with Michael Emerson, Sam Trammell with his wife, Deborah Ann Woll with her guest,