And We Pray

A photo agency's database is like an out-of-season garden. There's weeds, brown patches of grass and sad stretches of dirt everywhere, but if you keep looking your eyes will eventually land on a stunning and special flower. That's what happened to me when I was scrolling through a photo agency's database and landed on pictures of a beautiful, natural and always in season blond rose named Wendy Lynn. The pictures of Wendy Lynn were taken at a cancer awareness event in Santa Monica on Tuesday night. Wendy Lynn is an exquisite goddess whose delicate face peeks out of a cloud of curly blond hair. She's the beauty that Loni Anderson longs to be. She's the love child of Elly May Clampett and a swan.

The photo agency didn't have any information about Wendy Lynn besides her name. I had to know everything about her. I wanted to know how many men have fought for her honor? How many women have joined a convent, because they knew they couldn't compete with her? How many rose petals does she crush and smear all over her lips to get them looking so fresh and delicate (answer: none, her lips look like that naturally)? I needed to know everything about Wendy Lynn, because I planned to write another unauthorized biography about her. I say "another" because a woman that fascinating and gorgeous has obviously been the subject of several unauthorized biographies.

A quick Google search, led to this Christian website that had a small blurb about Wendy Lynn Adams.

David and Wendy Adams were both privileged to be raised in Christian homes where Jesus Christ was Lord. Our homes centered on the Bible and in the church. Wendy’s dad was a pastor so she was ministering and singing since she was a young girl. When she was 21 the TV show “Hee Haw” was starting and Wendy was chosen to be “Nurse Good-body” on what became the top show on TV. She has had two of her own TV shows and traveled for years with her own groups. In 1998 she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame. For 11 years she fed the homeless and the children in the slums, ministering the gospel and helping them to get jobs and homes. She is in demand ministering and singing all over the nation.

I looked for clips from Hee Haw on YouTube to see the magnificent Wendy Lynn in action, but the only clip of Nurse Goodbody I found didn't star Wendy Lynn. It starred Gunilla Hutton as Nurse Goodbody. I figured that maybe Wendy Lynn was the original Nurse Goodbody and she left Hee Haw, because her spectacular beauty made all the cameras burst. I kept Googling, but couldn't find anything that backed my guess up. Then my eyes landed on a post at Creating Balance from Judith who met Wendy Lynn at an event at Graceland. She was immediately hypnotized by Wendy Lynn's presence (who isn't?) and Wendy Lynn told her that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee Haw. A couple of days later, Judith did a Google search and found out the same shit I found out: Wendy Lynn was never Nurse Goodbody!

I emailed a hee-haw expert that I found while searching, to ask her. She responded that Gunilla was the only Nurse Goodbody. Hee Haw's 1st episode was in June of 1969. Gunilla first appeared in episode 13, in December of '69. I checked the IMDB website, and there is no Wendy Lynn listed in any of the first 12 episodes.

Ms. Adams' website says she was inducted into the Celebrity Hall of Fame in 1998. There is no such thing as a Celebrity Hall of Fame.

I found only one other reference to this Wendy Adams as Nurse Goodbody on this site where it says that she was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1998. But there were only four 1998 inductees. Two of them included Tammy Wynette and Elvis Presley. And I'm pretty sure we did not meet Tammy Wynette on Sunday.

This site also gave a quote where Wendy claimed to be Elvis' "prayer partner". Um, ok. I'll give her that one.

I have honestly spent hours on this. I can compare the feelings on this to when I found out there wasn't a Santa Claus, and when I found out Delilah was not in Memphis, but a syndicated show out of California. (I'm still not over that one)

What I can't get over, is that she visited my home church several times during that week, introducing herself as Nurse Goodbody. So this wasn't a one-time introduction, or encounter with her at Graceland. She made this statement to a lot of people.

Maybe she was a stand-in? Maybe she was a back-up singer? IDK.

So what I do know about Wendy Lynn is that she's a minister, tells everyone that she was Nurse Goodbody on Hee-Haw and is the most fascinating and gorgeous liar ever! Barbara Walters needs to stop calling herself a journalist, because she failed as a journalist when she didn't make Wendy Lynn the Most Fascinating Person of Every Year!

Kate Upton really is our modern day messiah. Jesus died for your sins and Kate Upton almost died just so millions could fap to this picture of her in Antarctica. Even though Kate Upton's Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover shoot looks like it was done at the penguin exhibit at the San Diego Zoo, she swears they really shot it in Antarctica and she has the frostbite scar on her ass cheek to prove it. Kate was on Today (via UsWeekly) this morning to talk about getting the cover for the second year in a row and she says that posing half naked in sub zero temperatures caused her to suffer temporary blindness and her eardrums froze over and she ALMOST DIED, but at least she looks hot in the pictures! And that's ALL that matters.

"It was freezing. I'm from Florida, so it wasn't great for me. I can't believe we were all able to accomplish that. I was thinking warm thoughts. When I came back, I was losing hearing and eyesight. Because my body was shutting down -- working so hard to keep me warm.

The penguins kept me going! They're adorable. Anytime I was like, 'I can't do it anymore, I can't do it!' I would look at them and I was like. Okay, for them . . . "

Yes, Kate Upton has a freezer burned clit, frost bitten nipples and they had to pour brandy from a St. Bernard's barrel collar on her ass after her culito lips froze shut, but it was all worth it! And I even love how Kate Upton is covering for the penguins. Girl, please. We all know that the dude penguins mistook her chichis for extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large penguin eggs and nearly scratched her body up with their claws while fighting over who got to sit on them.

And I hate myself for turning a post about frost bitten nipples into a post about penguins fighting over eggs. I was never the same after seeing March of the Penguins.