That scent of strawberry shampoo and unattainable dreams wafting into your right nostril is from Amy Adams' 80s hair commercial hair and that scent of Pierre Cardin cologne and a dried cum stain on a Little Trees wafting into your left nostril is coming from Christian Bale. Amy Adams and Christian Bale are currently in Boston to shoot David O. Russell's newest Oscar-bait movie about the Abscam operation.
I refuse to believe that Christian Bale put on a bald cap and a comb over wig to look like a sleazy stereotypical used car salesman who jacks into the glove compartment of every car he's selling and who's been kicked out of every Waffle House in the area for giving the shocker to all of their waitresses. That isn't a hairpiece on Christian's head. Christian doesn't fake shit. Christian made his scalp stop growing hair with HIS MIND, or he yelled at his follicles in the mirror until they got so scared that they stopped growing hair.
And yes, I'd hit it on the vinyl seats in the back of a Chevy Caprice. There's something about a sleaze ball who keeps his shirt and tie on during fuck times and throws his tie over his shoulder when he's about to hit it from the back.
Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.
“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”
SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.
And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.
There was this extremely hot veteran chola who worked in the front office at my mom's job and almost every time I saw her gorgeous face, her lips were covered with skin-colored lipstick and dark brown lip liner, and her eyes were decorated with black liquid eyeliner and frosted eye white shadow. She was a Winter on top and a Fall on the bottom. That was her signature look. But one December, she told me that she wanted to debut a new face at the company holiday party and was going to spend one of her lunch hours getting her face glamoured up at one of the makeup counters at Robinsons-May. I used to go to my mom's work after school and one afternoon I walked into the office and saw my veteran chola friend with a face that was painted up exactly the same way Kristen Stewart's face was painted up for the AFI Festival screening of On the Road in L.A. last night. Dreadful.
She looked busted and I didn't need to say it, because she said it for me. I think she said she looked like Witchy Poo (which was kind of funny since her signature look was kind of Witchy Poo-ish) and that she looked like she was going to a funeral, her funeral. If I didn't know she spent her lunch hour experimenting with her beauty, I'd just assume that she got kinky with her man and let him suck on her eyelids. Those were some hickey eyes and I wanted to hand her a frozen spoon. That taught my veteran chola friend to never ever stray away from frosted white eye shadow again.
And if a veteran chola can't pull off that look, then Kristen Stewart definitely can't.
Here's more of KStew, Garrett GiveMeHedlund and Amy Adams at last night's screening. Even though KStew's outfit fits like a Trojan Magnum on a pencil dick, I still like it. It's very Jody Watley back-up singer.