Amanda Bynes finally realized that her tragic cheek piercings and uneven black marker brows (don't even call them Sharpie brows) are not the look anymore. What's really in right now is having a scarf face! While looking like KFed circa 2004 from the waist down, Amanda Bynes strolled around NYC this morning with a face full of poly blend fabulousness. Yes, the Jackson children worked this look a million years ago, but I'm glad that Amanda is bringing it back. Why should Amanda spend
hours five minutes in front of her make-up mirror, splattering her face with the finest products from Wet 'N Wild when she can just throw a scarf on her face and create a real look. Bitch has never looked. Although, I think I can still see her duck face underneath that scarf.
In other Amanda news, add UsWeekly to her long ass list of bitches she's going to sue. Amanda tweeted this out:
Yet again, I'm suing @UsWeekly for writing another false story. NOTHING is wrong with me! All Trash mags - contact me personally since you r talking to people I DON'T KNOW then claiming they know me. Please say names of those supposed sources, they sound like you made them up like the crazy person you're trying to portray me as in your ugly magazine. I'm talking to the ugly Asian editor and all the ugly women I met when I did a shoot with you. I am suing you every week you put up awful photos with a false "I'm crazy" story. You have never contacted me once to find out who I am or what I'm up to. Fuck You.
Oh, Amanda if you pulled that scarf off your face for a quick second you'd see that UsWeekly doesn't have an Asian editor anymore. How can we take you seriously as a legal force of nature if you can't even get that shit right? Not only is Amanda figuratively walking through life with a scarf over her head, but now she's doing it literally.
The time has possibly come for me to slide over to the side of the room that thinks Amanda Bynes has been trolling us all and the fuckery she's been bringing is all part of an elaborate performance art piece co-produced by MoMA or some shit. Amanda followed up her nightmare-inducing primp video with a Tuesday afternoon stroll through NYC with her rent-a-friend. Even if I got high on whatever Amanda Bynes is getting high on, I couldn't make this mess up.
The paparazzi say that the blonde girl in the green jacket waited for Amanda in front of her apartment building and then the two fake laughed, fake talked and fake bonded the way all fake friends do. The two did this for a while before they walked to an ATM and Amanda took out some cash which she then gave to her rent-a-friend. The rent-a-friend then went on her way to her next rent-a-friend gig.
I don't even fucking know....
At first I thought blondie was Amanda's dealer, but what kind of dealer walks around with you in front of the paps? But then again, what kind of rent-a-friend doesn't ask for the money upfront, especially a professional friend who is dealing with Amanda Bynes? Amanda really needs to get her money back and leave a bad Yelp review, because that rent-a-friend did not do her job. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends do themselves up like a white trash Nicki Minaj. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends hire rent-a-friends to put on a show in front of the paps. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends paint a pair of lazy, busted down chola brows onto their face. And finally, rent-a-friends don't let client friends do crazy shit like this.
I need to hire a rent-a-friend to tell me what to think of this shit.
If you watched this last night, then you're probably not reading these words right now, because you're still rocking back and forth on your bed pretending like this never happened. Last night, Amanda Bynes tweeted this video of her getting ready with the caption:
I'm Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight :D
What in the John Waters meets Julie Masking meets a tweaked out Lil Kim meets a melting Nicki Minaj meets a strung out Courtney Stodden HELL?!
I know Renee Zellweger was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Chicago for doing exactly what Amanda is doing in that video above, but damn. If Amanda is Joaquin-ing us, she needs to stop. If Amanda isn't Joaquin-ing us, Jesus needs to take the wheel and drive her to the nearest Sally's Beauty Supply to sort out those unsynchronized brows. They look like two sad, broken see saws.
And that must've been a seriously intense Sour Patch Kid.
The New York law offices of Scooby Doo & Associates are going to be busy as hell the next few weeks, because Amanda Bynes is going to sue every single person who calls her batshit crazy.
Amanda went off on Twitter today and promised to sue every magazine, news source, blogger and Twitter follower who dare post paparazzi pictures of her and say that she's doing something wrong. I'm going to get sued for posting this and you're going to get sued for reading this and our computers are going to get sued for transmitting this information, so once we're all done here we should call Johnnie Cochrane and ask him to save us. Here's Amanda's warning to us all:
I'm suing every blog, every magazine, every news source that's saying I'm doing anything wrong "erratic behavior" is not me! I'm suing In Touch, Us Weekly, Perez Hilton for hiring paparazzi who follow me then take the worst photos with the worst angles. I'd like to put up their worst photos on my twitter until they only start putting up my twitter photos when writing a story when there is NO story, just an awful photo posted with instead of a caption, they say I have erratic behavior when I do NOTHING wrong. There's NOTHING with my life, other than you putting up awful candid photo after photo. I'm working out, it's hard getting in shape with an eating disorder. Please follow me on twitter then look forward to be sued if you if say I have erratic behavior or am living my life wrong in anyway.
Then Amanda told E! that she loves them, but unfortunately, she's going to have to sue them too.
@eonline please post my pics anytime! I had to shave my head because of hair damage from someone @ John Barrett so I'm not loving my paparazzi pics for a few years! I have extensions but you can see them! Loving your shows but suing you for spreading lies about me on your website! Thanks for being my fan! True friends don't spread lies about me so I can't follow anyone from your network on twitter. I'll sue you everytime you post a lie with a paparazzi shot, I tell you everything that is going on about me on twitter. Only choose the paparazzi pics that I select and post on twitter and my personal pics when talking about me! I tweet all day about nothing just like everybody on the face of the earth! Thanks!
@eonline I never know when they're taking photos, but instead of the ones you (Us Weekly, In Touch, @PerezHilton) choose, pick the best one then say I'm walking around for exercise because that and tweeting is all you'll ever catch me doing. I'm suing you for all the lies you've all written in the past to have the stories and photos deleted of me from the Internet!
The short version of Amanda's tweets is: SUED! SUED! SUED! See you all at Judge Judy!
Below are some pictures of the busiest plaintiff in the world in NYC the other day. I know Amanda told us not to use paparazzi pictures of her, but whenever somebody tells me not to do something, I'm going to do it. This cat knows what I'm talking about.
Oh, and that cat? Yup, it's going to get sued.
Water is wet, the sky is blue, birds chirp, John Travolta loves a man chowder facial in the morning and Amanda Bynes is ranting on Twitter. Amanda is mad at the media and blogs for using paparazzi pictures of her when writing about how crazy she is. Because the bathroom selfies she takes are so much more flattering, Amanda wants everyone to start using those pictures when writing articles she clearly doesn't read. Amanda also tweeted that she doesn't need an intimate date with anti-depressants and a board certified psychiatrist, because she's one hundred percent sane and she doesn't suffer from a mental disorder, but she does suffer from an eating disorder. (I don't know if it's the right time to tell Amanda that an eating disorder sort of kind of is a mental disorder, so let's all just nod awkwardly.)
Jesus, take the iPhone!
Amanda does have a point though, because all of her pictures on Twitter display her as a stable person whose sanity hasn't gone off the rails and crashed into a pile of used eyelashes and clearance wigs from Ricky's. And I don't even know what to think about this entire situation anymore, so I'm just going to say that looking like a chola Smurfette in a women's prison IS the look.
On April 2nd, the paparazzi took pictures of Amanda Bynes with chola burgundy hair and Nike sandals with white socks on her feet. The last part was the biggest cry for help, because you should only wear Adidas sandals with white socks if the year is 2005 and your name is KFed. But that night, Amanda Bynes went on twitter and claimed that somebody was identity thieving her ass. Amanda claimed it wasn't her in the pictures, because her blond hair has never touched a bowl full of blackberry Kool-Aid hair dye. We all sort of quietly nodded while hiding all the pink wigs, green umbrellas and barber clippers.
Then last night, Amanda tried to clear her name again by tweeting (and deleting) the picture above along with this denial:
That lavender MS Paint splatter says it all.
If Amanda's sanity is slowly spiraling down the gutter drains on the streets of Times Square, then somebody needs to come and get this child. If this is all just some elaborate, never-ending performance art piece, then somebody needs to come and get this child. If Amanda is just really method and this is all research for her new role in the Lindsay Lohan biopic, then somebody needs to come and get this child. What I'm saying is that whatever the reason for this is, somebody needs to help a ho out, because loved ones don't let loved ones wear Adidas sandals in the year 2013 no matter what.
You know, when Amanda screamed "IMPOSTOR!" the first time, I looked at the pictures and I actually thought to myself, "Hmmm, maybe that isn't her." She got to me! She's making me believe. This is what she wants me to think!
And somebody really needs to slap a warning label on Kid Cudi's dick, because this is what happens when you take a spin on it.
Here's Not Amanda Bynes hiding Not Amanda Bynes' face in NYC yesterday.
In between threatening to throw a lawsuit at Perez Hilton and wishing that her vagina and Drake will guest star on an all new episode of Law & Order: SVU, Amanda Bynes dropped this non-RuPaul approved affirmation into the eyes of her Twitter followers this morning. So I guess what she's saying is that the only reason she dressed like this is because her lovah is really into her looking like a late 80s trailer park hooker who works part-time as a waitress at a German beer hall.
via @amandabynes (Thanks to Isabelle for sending this in and giving me the image of a chalk outline around Amanda Bynes' cooch)
In case you were wondering what Amanda Bynes has been up to ever since she was kicked out of her Manhattan apartment building for turning the place into a giant hotbox, this is what she's been up to. Amanda's been searching the forest for larva to stuff into her lips and she's been pulling clumps of hair out of Barbie's shower drain to make a wig.
Last night, Amanda brought the foolery on Twitter when she randomly dropped quotes about love and posted two pictures that look like the kind of pictures that the Rock of Love casting office got on a regular basis. What in Aubrey O'Day as a Hunts Point hooker hell is going on with Amanda Bynes? She looks like early days Lil Kim mashed with the worst parts (read: all parts) of Miley Cyrus. In that picture above, she looks like she's checking her beauty after she fell face first into the bumper of a Tercel while running from the cops. These pictures are making me slowly fall to the floor, just like homegirl's right eyelash.
Amanda has done a lot of crazy shit in the past, but if those $2 clear Lee Press-on nails aren't her loudest cry for help, I don't know what is.
At least one ex child star has annoy the shit out of NYC at all times, and since Lindsay Lohan is in L.A. right now, it's up to Amanda Bynes and she got the job done. Amanda Bynes moved out of her Manhattan apartment yesterday, because the building management sent her a GTFO note after getting complaints from her neighbors that she was filling the place up with weed smoke. Instead of investing in a vaporizer, Amanda picked up her bong and moved to a place that appreciates the sweet scent of the good shit.
TMZ says the letter from management said that her lease would be ripped up and stuck in her bong at the end of this month, because it's a non-smoking building. Neighbors kept bitching about the weed smoke coming from her apartment all day and all night. Amanda was also known for toking up in the hallways. Amanda could've tried to fight management's decision, but she decided to move out instead.
1. How is Amanda getting money for weed and a last-minute moving truck? Never underestimate the royalties for The Amanda Show and All That.
2. Why didn't Amanda just do what every stoner college student (or me at my mom's house) does when they don't want weed haters to smell their pot smoke? Just blow the smoke into a toilet paper roll stuffed with Downy Dryer sheets. That's stoner 101! They teach that in preschool.
3. If I lived in Amanda's building, I wouldn't complain about the weed smoke, because I'd be too busy sucking the clouds of the good shit wafting out from the crack under her door.
(pic via Instagram)