And the messiness gets even messier. Amanda Bynes defended herself on Twitter today and said that a cop Zsa Zsa's her chocha and lied about her throwing a bong out the window. Doesn't the NYPD know that only Drake is allowed to commit a violent crime on her cooch? Here's the truth according to Amanda:
Don't believe the reports about me being arrested. It's all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn't let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That's why the judge let me go. Don't believe any reports.
I don't even know what to think anymore. But what I do know is that Amanda's wig will forever be embedded into a special place in my nightmares and this entire situation has made me think of her vagina more than I'd like to. If Amanda's telling the truth, I'm shaking my head at this shit. If Amanda's not telling the truth, I'm shaking my head at this.
Wheelchair Jimmy, come get your girl already.
Before a judge released Amanda Bynes back into the wild and didn't keep her in jail for throwing a bong out her apartment window in Manhattan, she underwent a psychiatric evaluation at Roosevelt Hospital. Even with a SCREAM FOR HELP wig on top of Amanda's head, the psychiatrists at Roosevelt didn't think she needed to be held in a psych ward involuntarily. TMZ says that Amanda's parents want to become her conservators, but she hasn't been acting insane enough for a judge to make them the CEO and CFO of her life. I know, that gutter ass wig says otherwise.
TMZ's sources say that Amanda has never been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, but her parents, who live in California, think she might be schizophrenic or bi-polar. It's been hard for them to find out for sure, because Amanda shakes her wig "no" when they ask her to see a psychiatrist. Apparently, the authorities want to put Amanda in a mental facility for 72 hours so she can get a full mental health evaluation, but there's just not enough evidence for a judge to approve that. I guess Amanda's crazy behavior just isn't crazy enough for the judge to force her to do anything. TMZ says that a judge can force her to get a full mental health evaluation if they think she's not clear in the brains enough to understand the felony charges against her.
And here's Amanda in court yesterday morning.
Why did I keep waiting for Amanda to scream, "BRING IN THE DANCING LOBSTERS!!!"
Amanda was back on Twitter last night and once again spread thick layers of delusion by saying that she doesn't smoke the good shit.
What more is there to say? If this was an episode of the Twilight Zone, everybody would be the crazy ones and Amanda would be the sane one. Because everybody is smelling weed smoke instead of tobacco smoke and don't know the difference between a vase and a bong. Well, but at least Amanda knows that her wig looks like something was pulled off of a dead morning-shift hooker lying in a ditch.
When Amanda Bynes Skillrex'd her hair, some people said that at least it's a good thing she didn't go full Britney. Well, she kind of did...
TMZ got a hold of the mug shot that Amanda Bynes took last night after getting arrested for throwing a bong out the window of her 36th floor apartment and being in possession of the good shit. Underneath that used-up, bought-at-a-garage-sale Disney princess wig is some short hair. That mug shot is like "Miley Cyrus as Brandon Teena" meets Faces of Meth.
The Disney princess wig was back on Amanda's head when she was taken into court this morning. Amanda told the judge that the bong she threw out the window was just a vase. (She's not totally off, because a bong is sort of like a vase for beautiful weed buds.) TMZ says that the judge didn't send Amanda immediately to the psych ward and he didn't make her pay $1,000 bail. The prosecutors asked the judge to hold her, but the judge released her back into the wild by herself instead. The judge told her that she will be arrested again if she doesn't show up to her court hearing in July.
THAT JUDGE! What in the hell kind of judge takes a look at that busted down, four cent wig and doesn't immediately send the wig wearer to get some serious help? That wig isn't a cry for help, it's a bawling/wall slide/mute cry for help. Well, hopefully when Amanda got back to her apartment, Daddy Spears was waiting there with a pot full of Velveeta grits and a filled-out 5150 application. If not, you better wear a hard hat and carry a steel umbrella when walking around 47th and 8th, because "vases" are falling from the sky around there.
And the universe has spoken as I'm getting flashbacks to Brit Brit's 5150 situation.
NBC New York says that the police got a call tonight about a "disorderly person" (see: Amanda Bynes) going crazy at an apartment building in Midtown. When the police showed up to the building, Amanda threw a bong out the window. They arrested her and charged her with reckless endangerment and possession of weed. Since she's current day Amanda Bynes, went crazy inside her apartment and threw a bong out the window, she was taken down to Roosevelt Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Then they'll take her to the station to be booked.
Unless the mug shot taker wants Amanda Bynes to call them an ugly-faced, ugly, ugly hag, they should just let her take her own mug shot in a bathroom mirror with an iPhone.
And I thought she might've been trolling before, but now it looks like she isn't and it's a good thing she's finally getting some help. I mean, who throws a perfectly good bong out the window and ruins it? That alone is a good enough reason for a psychiatric evaluation.
UPDATE: Now NBC New York is saying that the doorman is the one who called the cops, because Amanda was toking up in the hallway. When the cops showed up, Amanda had already ran back up into her apartment on the 36th floor. They smelled the sweet nectar wafting out of her apartment and when she opened the door for them, she threw a bong out the window. They also charged her with tampering with evidence for throwing the bong out the window. TMZ says that when the cops arrested her, she kicked, screamed and channeled the spirit of Laura Jeanne Poon by screaming, "Don't you know who I am?" She'll spend the night in jail and face a judge tomorrow morning.
A world-renowned philosopher named Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel once told a Las Vegas casino security guard who didn't know her: "Google me, you dumb fuck!" Those thought-provoking and important words have lived on thanks to Amanda Bynes.
TMZ says that Amanda tried to get on a private jet headed for L.A. at Teterboro Airport in New Jersey, but the pilot refused to let her on the plane, because she didn't have a valid government issued ID with her. Amanda screamed about how her license was suspended and she didn't have any other kind of ID. The pilot kept shaking his head "no," so Amanda finally told him that if he Googled her, he'd find out that she's Amanda Fucking Bynes! Strangely enough, the TSA does not accept a Google image page with your face all over it as proper ID. When the pilot asked an official from the private jet company if he can let her on even without a valid ID, he got a no and Amanda was officially denied.
Amanda told TMZ that their story is as fraudulent as those pictures of her drug den and I'm sure she also threatened to sue TMZ, the pilot, the private jet company, Google, the machine that makes government issued IDs and James Cameron, because he totally used his special effects skills to create the Amanda Bynes hologram that terrorized Teterboro.
Amanda should be happy that the pilot denied her ass. There's so many Amanda Bynes doppelgängers out there and it's hard to tell which one is the real Amanda Bynes. If that was really Amanda Bynes trying to get on that jet, she should've just said to the pilot, "You're an ugly-faced man." That's the only confirmation he would've needed to welcome the real Amanda Bynes to his flight.
America's Soon-To-Be Busiest Plaintiff Is Going To Sue InTouch For Faking Pictures Of Her So-Called Drug Den
And after what felt like weeks of silence, Amanda is awake and is spreading the foolery once again.
Two of InTouch Weekly's photographers somehow got invited to a party at Amanda Bynes' Manhattan apartment and while there, they took pictures of her SHOCKING and DISTURBING drug den. Jezebel scanned the pictures and I posted them below, but if you're expecting to see the floors covered with bloody needles, mountains of coke, the body parts of hitchhikers, broken light bulbs, the carcasses of strung out rats, an overdosed Pete Doherty, empty morning after pill containers, Twilight DVDs (crackheads LOVE watching Twilight) and pieces of burnt foil, you're going to be disappointed. Because Amanda Bynes' so-called drug den is a sad excuse for a drug den. My apartment looks more like a drug den than hers does (the leather sofa, empty bags of Hot Fries and apple cinnamon-scented Glade candle gives me away).
Photographer Giovanni Arnold says that Amanda was obviously floating through another world, because she was mentally out of it. All she did was smoke weed, put on her make-up in the bathroom mirror, dance and smoke some more. Giovanni says that the inside of her apartment looked like the inside of Snoop Dogg's head, because there was weed everywhere. Weed on the bed, weed on the floor, weed on the ceiling, weed on the walls, etc.... But before you go thinking that Amanda Bynes lives in a weed wonderland, Giovanni says she has "bad weed." All that Nickelodeon money and she's still buying some shit that's worse than ditch weed? How dreadful.
Giovanni said that she barely has any furniture and two windows in her living room are spray painted black. So basically, her living room looks like my childhood bedroom when I was going through a goth phase for a second. Giovanni also saw Amanda snorting coke, but she later denied it to InTouch.
Amanda also denies that's her apartment, body and busted toes. Amanda raged on Twitter tonight and threatened to sue InTouch for committing apartment fraud. Amanda says that they Photoshopped everything.
That's not my bed! Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that's not my apartment, those aren't my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone's body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that's not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don't look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don't care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!
This ugly faced woman @JessicaFinnNYC is the one who bought fake photos of me & put that picture that looks nothing like me on the cover!
I really hope that some high school drama student acts out that tweet during class, because that monologue of insanity needs to be performed on a stage.
If I was Amanda Bynes, I'd fix my eyebrow situation immediately. After I did that, I'd also sue InTouch for publishing a picture of me with a jacked up joint in my mouth. They're calling out Amanda's joint-rolling skills now. It's serious.
Someone posted (and then deleted) this clip on Facebook of Amanda Bynes (or her impostor) twerking out on an elliptical in her flip-flops and waving her arms like a drowning T-rex. That seems about right. And I don't know what this says about me, but the last time I was on an elliptical, I got so bored that I started waving my arms around like I had pom poms in them. I was listening to a Toni Basil song at the time. Sometimes you just gotta wave your damn arms to pass the time.
The Amanda Bynes saga got even weirder for a second last night when Jenny McCarthy of all fame whores and publicist type Jonathan Jaxson start tweet screaming about how the police were at her apartment and how something must be done!
It all started out as a regular night for Amanda. She tweeted a couple of topless pictures of her looking like a blond OctoMom cleaning up in a gas station bathroom after a busy night of turning tricks on the stroll. That was that, and then Jenny McCarthy jumped in and tweeted that the police were at Amanda's house, but wait, maybe they aren't at Amanda's house, because she's getting all of her info from some publicist's tweets and it's not confirmed. (In other words, Jenny was drunk.)
The publicist type Jenny was talking about was Jonathan Jaxson who spent his night live-tweeting the whole thing. Jonathan claims that he talked to Amanda and she sounded drugged all the way up, so he tweeted the NYPD and TMZ to find her and help her. And then he kept tweeting and tweeting and tweeting and patting himself on the back as he tweeted and tweeted...
I just spoke to @AmandaBynes and she is soooo messed up on drugs and please @NY_POLICE find her and help her! I don't know her address! @TMZ
If trying to help someone you feel is in trouble is a crime, then there is a problem. A cry for help is just that! I did what I KNEW to do!
I personally decided to delete certain tweets because the last thing I want anyone to think is tonight was about me. It was about another!
first and then got it and called the NYPD again in NYC, who said I had to have a proper address. Amanda has been changing her number weekly.
In addition to hotel hoping and gym hoping. Amanda needed help and I did everything I could and knew to do to help!
Amanda kept quiet on Twitter the entire time and nobody knows if the cops even went to her apartment.
UPDATE: And Amanda responded to Jenny and found her guilty of being old and ugly:
UPDATE II: After Amanda called Jenny old and ugly, Jenny apologized and Amanda took it all back. I really never could with this, but now I really can't.
Amanda Bynes tweeted these bathroom selfies of her in a bra yesterday and said that she's 135lbs and needs to be 100lbs. Somebody should tell Amanda that she really is 100lbs, because that thirsty in-need-of-an-iv-drip weave weighs at least 40 pounds.
Amanda took a little time out from her current career as a professional tweeter and selfie taker to tell InTouch Weekly that she doesn't care if people call her crazy, because the only people that call her crazy are ugly and ugly people have no place in her hot, hot world.
“I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care. The only ones lying about me having a mental illness are people I don’t talk to. I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.”
I'm sure that the friends in Amanda's
head life are beyond hot, but if they truly had her back, they'd tell her to stop.
Amanda also told InTouch that the homely-faced uglies say that she's a drunk pot head, but that's another lie out of the mouths of uglies, because she's allergic to alcohol and she doesn't smoke weed, she only smokes tobacco. Amanda doesn't spend her time filling the hallways of her apartment building with the sweet scent of the good shit, because she's way too busy working on her body, her fashion line and her music career.
“I’m getting in shape for all the photo shoots. I like being 100 pounds… 21 to go! I’ll design clothes and sing because I want to, not because I need the money. I love singing and I can’t wait to start working on an album.”
So if you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that the pot she smokes is tobacco, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking 135lbs is too heavy, you're ugly. If you think Amanda Bynes is crazy for thinking that only ugly people think she's crazy, you're ugly. Excuse her sanity, you ugly bitches!
Being a multi-millionaire with Olsen money means that Amanda Bynes doesn't have to work a real job and can spend every Adderall-induced waking moment giving her followers nightmares by tweeting videos like the one above and pictures like the ones below. That video must've been directed by Eli Roth, because that is what you would find if you walked into one of the bathrooms at a murder hostel. If the Silent Hill mannequins had heads, wore a blond weave and were obsessed with taking selfies, that's what they would look like. But what's really terrifying and disturbing is that I found myself twerking my shoulders to that German sex club circa 1993 music.
And here's some selfies Amanda Bynes took at the gym. You know, I hope Hatchet Face keeps doing Amanda's makeup, because her chola Groucho Marx brows are actually growing on me.
I've said this a million times before, but I never know what to think of this. Sometimes I think this is all just an elaborate performance art piece and she's secretly auditioning for a role as Jerri Blank's long-lost daughter in the next Strangers with Candy movie (give her the role!). Other times I think she's Britney-ing it all the way. These gym pics confuse me even more, because I don't know if wearing full makeup and fake eyelashes to the gym is an act of insanity or an act of sanity since one should always keep it glamorous.