Afternoon Crumbs

Janet Jackson is probably engaged to her billionaire boyfriend Wissam Al Mana (Note: You're not alone if you read his last name as "Al Mañana") and he's obviously just marrying her so he can be Detective La Toya's brother-in-law - Just Jared

Parents Magazine once again robbed White Oprah and Courtney Stodden's mom of the title of Mother of the Year - Lainey Gossip

Let's skip down Memory Lane and by Memory Lane, I mean Shakira's nalgas - The Superficial 

Cindy the mouse needs to be Lindsay Lohan's financial advisor - Towleroad

Those studded shoe horns really accentuate Nicki Minaj's tits - Hollywood Tuna 

But where's the picture of me crying at the bottom of the shower while holding onto my Zoopoo friend? - The Chive 

This Christmas, Nahla Aubry didn't get the gift of another scar on her childhood from watching Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of her dad's face - Celebitchy

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis spent Christmas eating frozen yogurt in Iowa... Meanwhile, Demi Moore probably spent Christmas eating 20-something peen in the back room of a members only club in Miami called Iowa - ICYDK

Did Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres finally become one person or did Tacky Pataky steal their look? - Popoholic

Chupa Zoe keeps her bones covered in St. Barts - Popsugar

The time I mistook JoJo for Lindsay Lohan's pre-meth face of 2001 - Drunken Stepfather

Happy Boxing Day, here's Thom Bierdz's dick bush and salchicha - (NSFW) OMG Blog

Kelly Osbourne's bikini body is on the cover of a magazine again - Hollywood Rag

Jack Klugman is in heaven now - SOW

I may or may not have wallet-sized versions of all of these Anderson Cooper pictures in my velcro wallet - Cityrag

FYI: Somewhere in California there's a nursing home that allows Emo horses in - I'm Not Obsessed

RiRi took a much-needed break from her daily grind of getting drunk while wearing bikini tops to get drunk while wearing bikini tops. You've earned it, RiRi! - Popsugar

Taylor Swift's mom supervises all of her sleepovers with Harry Styles, because somebody has to make sure that they're 9pm pillow fights aren't disturbing the neighbors - Lainey Gossip

Iggy Azalea needs to be spanked again for stealing Traci Lords' look - Drunken Stepfather

The California Hamster Association is mad at Justin Bieber and not because he gave his hamster to Richard Gere. Yes, that's me keeping urban legends from the 90s alive - Celebitchy

"Yes, honey, this finger goes up Simon Cowell's culito hole every night and it's going to make me a very rich woman, thankyouverymuch!" - Carmen Electra - The Superficial 

Henry Rollins' keeps fighting the good fight - Towleroad

I don't know who Claudia Galanti is, but the photo agencies have had pictures of her in a bikini every day this week and I'm starting to get concerned. She's been in the sun so much that her silicone titty sacks are starting to melt - Hollywood Tuna 

The more surprising headline would be: John Mayer ISN'T Cheating On Katy Perry - ICYDK

Yes, Holly Madison is whoring out every second of her pregnancy, but I'm more concerned that her dress has got me craving blue Twizzlers, because I don't think they make blue Twizzlers anymore - IDLYITW

Presenting Bruce Jenner's nightly beauty regimen - The Berry 

Geri Spice keeps the paparazzi from getting shots of her chonies, looks like she's busting into the Can-Can while doing so - Popoholic

Oh, I see Jennifer Aniston came out with a new line of kitchen accessories - OMG Blog

Xtina or truck stop hooker working the holiday shift? - Just Jared

LeAnn Rimes really needs to stop taking laxatives before appearances - SOW

When the write-up is better than the subject - Crunk + Disorderly 

Drew Barrymore thinks it's a little incestous that Kristen Wiig is licking on a peen she used to lick on - The Frisky

But when are we ever going to get current bikini pictures of La Bruja? - Hollywood Rag 

I think I just suffered a steroid overdose from watching the Pain & Gain trailer - I'm Not Obsessed

My guess is.... Fabio? - Cityrag

Harry Styles got another jacked up tattoo. I know he's 18, but from now on, his legal guardian should have to sign a consent form and no, Taylor Swift doesn't count - Lainey Gossip

Is this a lost scene from Little Vampires? - Drunken Stepfather

I really hope that Pedro Almodovar's "I'm So Excited" features a cameo from Jessie Spano - Towleroad

What it would look like if Justin Bieber got his own Flavor of Love dating show on Vh1 - The Superficial 

A Lot Of White Babies Were Born This Year: A Retrospective - The Berry 

When can we get a costume-off between the Miss Universe contestants and the queens from RuPaul's Drag Race? - Hollywood Tuna 

Angie Jolie is directing another feel good movie - Celebitchy

The Ann Jillian-ing of Rose McGowan continues - Popoholic

Who won season 3 of The Voice and a lifetime of performing as the pre-opening act on the county fair circuit? - Just Jared

Taylor Swift is going to make a wonderful sugar mama one day - IDLYITW

Panty Creamer of the Afternoon: Anna Faris' husband - ICYDK

Miley Cyrus should keep that scarf thing on her head - Popsugar

Why did RiRi shoot her new video in my uncle's front yard? - OMG Blog

The Flying Tomato got snipped (don't get any ideas, Carrot Top) - SOW

The entire alcohol industry can exhale now that Snooki is getting plastered again - Celebslam

If I had a Smart Car, I could possibly drive it through Carmen Electra's chichis - Hollywood Rag

Living the life is drinking straight vodka at the pool. Kate Moss knows what I'm talking about - Cityrag

The wife show TLC is missing is Beard Wives, obviously - Videogum

Dear LeAnn Rimes, shut the fuck up already - I'm Not Obsessed

Either Tamara Eccelstone's eyebrow game gets an F- or two greasy leeches are attacking her face - Hollywood Tuna 

Tommy Girl was as boring and humorless as soggy foreskin on Letterman last night - Lainey Gossip 

Instagram is your pimp, will sell your ass and won't even give you a cut of the profits - Towleroad

The Voice honors the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shootings (and now is not the time to make jokes about Xtina's $3 Pretty Woman wig) - The Berry 

James Franco is giving interviews while high on peyote again - The Superficial 

Megan Fox is talking about how having a baby and she will never ever stop - Celebitchy

Roman's chichis are way more luscious than Joanna Krupa's - Drunken Stepfather

Justin Theroux shows us what it would look like if Eddie Munster starred in Zoolander - Popsugar

Happy Tuesday, here's some shaved footballer crotch - (NSFW) OMG Blog 

Is Gnarly Girl the new Body Glove? - Popoholic

Selena Gomez loves Hooters - I'm Not Obsessed

Ashley Tisdale is so brave for showing her face after she got attacked by a tsunami of Tang - Just Jared

People don't want to hear Ke$hit's Die Young and I wonder why - ICYDK

When you're doing your morning ritual of injecting Red Bull directly into your skull, Hilary Duff is getting down - IDLYITW

BREAKING: Supermodel picks her own nose. I didn't even know they were allowed to do that. - Moe Jackson 

Tom Cruise loves going to hotels in case there are no gay people there - Videogum

Kim Kardashian looked like a bondage sausage for most of the year - Jezebel

What is Pamela Anderson doing for a check today? - Hollywood Rag 

The 11,000 square foot house that pussy popping and goat yodeling bought - Cityrag

10-year-old Romeo Beckham is a Burberry model now. Next up: Harper Seven's campaign for Louis Vuitton Pampers - Lainey Gossip 

Charlize Theron has grey hair, is still hot - Popoholic

Glamberace covers "Ray of Light" and manages to make Madonna sound like a trained opera singer with the voice of a million angels - Towleroad

If you're having a wedding and looking for a crazy mess to drink all the free booze and give your pervy uncle a hand job in the bathroom before stealing half of the gifts off the gift table, call Lindsay Lohan. Or call me, I'll do it for free - The Superficial 

This is why the Victoria's Secret Angels are crying today - Celebitchy

James Franco is going to be pissed at Emma Roberts when he finds out that she borrowed his favorite shirt to wear without asking - Drunken Stepfather 

Emma Stone's got a shoulder full of Gosling - The Berry 

Shouldn't Stacy Keibler be busy practicing her "walk, smile, fake laugh at George's joke" routine for awards season? - Hollywood Tuna 

Somewhere there's a gay matador who is sad because Gwen Stefani stole his outfit - ICYDK

Harry Styles got bored of playing with Taylor Swift's Easy Bake Oven (not a euphemism) so he went off and boned some chicks instead - IDLYITW

What in hitchhiking cowgirl granny hell is John Mayer wearing? - Just Jared

Well, here's Count Von Count in his chonies, because why not? - Popsugar

I didn't know White Oprah was a highly talented recording artist - OMG Blog 

My guess is Steven Tyler? - SOW

Carmen Electra's shoes look like they're trying to escape from her feet - Hollywood Rag 

Doesn't everybody suck dick in the sauna at the gym? Isn't that the only reason to go to the gym? - The Frisky 

My guess is Gay Al Reynolds? - Cityrag

It's like Brit Brit walked straight off the runways of Paris - I'm Not Obsessed

Tracy Browning might be a Lohan - Crunk + Disorderly

What I'm taking away from this picture is that Tom Daley wants to crawl into your chimney. You must provide the milk and cookies-scented lube. - Towleroad

Meanwhile, Nick Cannon is at home, fapping on top of a Glitter poster - Lainey Gossip 

If I was friends with Amanda Seyfried on Facebook, I'd unfriend her for saying that she's a fan of underwear. Panties are out, showing your muff fluff in public is in! - The Superficial 

When Amanda Bynes isn't talking to the hangers in dressing rooms for hours, she's putting her tits on Instagram - Hollywood Tuna 

Thank you, Julianne Hough, but I don't want to know where you put that finger (SPOILER ALERT: Seacrest butt) - Drunken Stepfather

Yes, what we really need this Friday is a big plate of nipples with a side of dick bush - The Berry 

Anne Hathaway was probably pissed that the studio didn't buy her a star too - Celebitchy

Sad Justin Bieber is sad about not getting a Grammy nomination - Just Jared 

Jared Leto or a middle-aged lesbian English teacher who is obsessed with goth poetry? - ICYDK

Not pictured: Dozens of people throwing boxes of brown hair dye at Rose McGowan - Popoholic

Russell Crowe is not slapping his peen on Billy Joel's leftovers - I'm Not Obsessed

Patti Smith and Kristen Stewart look like a before and after meth poster (KStew being the after) - Popsugar

Every Kardashian should be obligated to wear one of these at all of their weddings - OMG Blog 

Madame Tussauds can easily make a Justin Theroux wax statue by putting their Eddie Munster wax statue on stilts. Voila! - Videogum

And this is how the sequel to Black Swan starts - The Frisky 

Detective La Toya's Sno-Balls jacket is obviously her way of paying homage to Hostess - Crunk + Disorderly

This Pomeranian sneezes silly - Cityrag

The Porn Iguana, her pimp mom and her creepy husband found a new victim - Hollywood Rag

Kanye West wore a leather skirt to the 12-12-12 concert last night and now I don't know if he's borrowing Kim Kartrashian's clothes or if she's borrowing his? - Necole Bitchie 

"We didn't know you were gay!" - Doyle Bramhall's parents after he told them he's dating Renee Zellweger - Lainey Gossip

I don't know if Megan Fox is blowing an air kiss or doing an impersonation of Mickey Rourke's b-hole - Hollywood Tuna 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher both look like they're on their period and not loving it - Celebitchy

Ed Helms and two professional line readers who have the acting skills of wood gave out the Golden Globe nominations today - Popoholic

Jessica Simpson is back to using every trick in the baby bump hiding book - The Superficial 

I once watched a gay porn called Pacific Rim and it wasn't about robots - Towleroad

Jennifer Lawrence in Vogue - Drunken Stepfather 

FYI: John Mayer was all over your nana's ottoman cover last night - Popsugar

PUPEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! - The Berry 

Dlisted's Most Desirable Women of 2012 is Sweet Brown, but AskMen went in a different direction - IDLYITW

Panty Creamer of the Day: Mark Ruffalo's bearded, balding wrestler look - Just Jared

Methinks Christopher Nolan only let Jessica Biel audition for Catwoman because he needed more charitable contributions on his tax returns - ICYDK

Don't eff with Florence Welch - Popbytes

Is Phaedra Parks the executive producer for TLC's Best Funeral Ever? - Videogum

Rosie Jones goes Nuts - Hollywood Rag 

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly mistook an airport terminal for a catwalk - Moe Jackson 

I'm thankful that the pug isn't sporting a raspberry candy cane while sitting on Santa's lap - Cityrag

HBO's Liberace movie is going to give you a whole lot of Matt Damon's freshly waxed ass - I'm Not Obsessed

If your genitals are too moist and you want to dry them up, just stare at this picture of Madge sucking the youth out of Baby Brahim - Celebslam

Strangely enough, I scream for a brain epidural every time Megan Fox starts talking  - Lainey Gossip

So I guess I can cross "a picture of Anderson Cooper in assless meggings" off my Christmas list - Towleroad

The only person from Private Practice I want to see in a bikini is Benjamin Bratt, but I guess I'll settle for Kate Walsh  - Hollywood Tuna 

Nicole Kidman didn't piss on Zac Efron for nothing - Celebitchy

Amanda Seyfried buttchugged vodka in her dressing room at Letterman - The Superficial 

.....and in the elves locker room in Santa's Workshop, every elf just hung these pictures of Hayden Panatroll on the inside of their locker doors - Drunken Stepfather

27 pictures of hot pieces in kilts and not one wardrobe malfunction?! Please send them all to Anne Hathaway so she can show them how it's done - The Berry 

In a few months, a baby will get to say the words, "PEPAW DUBYA!" - ICYDK

In a "Who's more interesting?" competition between MiserAlba and that cake box, the cake box wins - Popoholic

In case you're wondering what's the #1 song on iTunes in Hell - Just Jared

Shia LaDouche's shaved head tells me that he got lice - Popsugar

The tampon nativity scene is almost more charming than LeAnn Rimes' suppositories nativity scene - OMG Blog 

Sweet Brown ain't got time for bronchitis, but she does have time for interviews - Crunk + Disorderly 

How long before Lindsay Lohan and Terry Richardson recreate these for AARP Magazine? - Hollywood Rag 

Xtina gives good GIF - Cityrag

Needs more tongue - SOW

Jennifer Aniston still hates her mom - I'm Not Obsessed

FYI: Ian McKellen's prostate is fine - ABC News 

It only took the help of a few animals wranglers, but Tom Hardy finally tamed and manicured the wild beast on his face - Lainey Gossip

Judging by the trailer for Man of Steel, I'm guessing you're supposed to watch the new emo-esque Superman movie while listening to the Morrissey album of your choice - The Superficial 

Factice Magazine didn't get any shot of Kim Kardashian's ass, because they couldn't afford to Photoshop the "Made in Indonesia by Mattel" stamp she's got on her butt cheek - Hollywood Tuna 

Doogie Howser is allergic to beaver - Towleroad

Too much beige, too much boring and too much camel toe for one cover - Celebitchy

Erin Heatherton seems really excited about being in a bikini - Drunken Stepfather

If Hilary Duff walks to her car and the paps aren't there to capture the moment, did Hilary Duff really walk to her car? -  Popoholic

Lindsay Lohan gets more money from Charlie Sheen than little girls with cancer do - IDLYITW

It's nice to see that the Jackson 5's old costumes were put to good use - OMG Blog

Speaking of stealing the Jackson 5's old costumes.... - Just Jared

Ashley Olsen almost DIED the other day, or something - Popsugar

Meet the newest and most talented Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader - The Berry 

Hopefully The Longer Ranger is the last nail in the coffin holding all of Johnny Depp's makeup, so he'll never paint his face white for a movie again - SOW

Kate Upton is everywhere else so she might as well be on Vogue - Hollywood Rag 

Wonky McValtrex should be fed to Mama June's chins for wearing a slutty Honey Boo Boo costume - Cityrag

The time I mistook Cher for Pete Burns - I'm Not Obsessed

Burrito Surprise sounds like the name of a sex act I don't want to know about  - Videogum

Pamela Anderson needs to hit Charlie Sheen up - Celebslam

Are we sure this is Miley Cyrus and not an Eastern European submissive bottom twink at a gay sex club in Berlin? - IDLYITW

Jennifer Aniston covers her stomach (Star Magazine cover next week: SHE'S HIDING A BABY BUMP!) and hides her hitchin' ring (Life & Style cover next week: THE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF! JEN HIDING HER RINGLESS FINGER!) while going for a photo-op stroll with Justin Theroux - Lainey Gossip

"ARRRGGHAHAAAAARGGGHARGGGGH" is the sound I made when Chip 'N Dale didn't win The Amazing Race - Towleroad

The Yoga Turtle's leased piece is in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna 

Dear Stacy Keibler, Honey Boo Boo did it better - Drunken Stepfather

Lana Del Rey sings about her pussy tasting like Pepsi and Beyonce's the one who gets the $50 million contract?! - The Berry 

Lea Michele's tits talk to her - Celebitchy

A family of raccoons had to die so RiRi could look this classy - The Superficial  

The lining of Cheryl Cole's shirt quit her ass and she no care - Popoholic

Let's just get this out of the way: we all boned Elmo when we were 16 - ICYDK

The body language tells me that Nicole Scherzinger totally wants an audition for the role of Tommy Girl's next beard bride - Popsugar

Tracy Thorn's got a Christmas song - OMG Blog 

Busy Phillips and her husband are having another baby. They named their first kid Birdie so I hope they stick with the McDonald's theme and name the second one Grimace - Just Jared

Ricky's mother on Silver Spoons LIVES! - SOW

What every Twihard wants for Christmas - The Frisky  

Vera Evans and Ben Diamond from Magic City are humping in real life - Moe Jackson 

Carmen Electra is trying the singing thing again - Hollywood Rag 

Beyonce is an art dork - Cityrag

RIHANNA KILLED AND SKINNED ANIMAL! - I'm Not Obsessed