Adam Levine

Adam Levine has a lot of feelings about a show on TLC starring America's sweetheart and he's not afraid to barf them all out. According to Adam, famine, AIDS, cancer, Hitler, war, bath salts, auto-tune,  the Kardashians and CROCs are all under Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on the list of the worst things that have ever happened to civilization. Honey Boo Boo is at the top of that list, because Honey Boo Boo is the worst, so says the dude who's responsible for Moves Like Jagger.

In a quick interview with GQ (via Popwatch), Adam let out an anti-Glitzy rant and said that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the decay of Western civilization the same way all of his ugly tattoos are the decay of his hotness. The star of the Peabody award-winning shit show The Voice went off like this:

"Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the DECAY of Western civilization. Just because so many people watch the show doesn't mean it's good. So many people witness atrocities and can't take their eyes away from them, but that doesn't mean they're good. That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened. It's complete fucking ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids. Fuck those people. You can put that in the magazine: Fuck those idiots. They're just the worst. Sorry, I'm so sensitive to that—like, I don't know, man, it's upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, "FUCK THOSE PEOPLE."

Damn. Did Glitzy shit on his last Twinkie? Did Uncle Poodle steal his parking space at Trader Joe's (Note: That's a serious crime)? Did Sugar Bear knock up his girlfriend? Is sketti sauce his secret family recipe and Mama June stole'd it? Did he ask Mama June if he could stick his tongue in between her luscious layer of chins and she turned him down? I'm going to assume the answer to all of those questions is: YES! Because Adam Levine sounds hurt.

The empty space next to Adam Levine isn't even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she'd love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton's girl when she said this:

"I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again ... I'm just saying. Look, we would be cute."

I love how she casually says "just read." JLove, stop acting like we don't know you have "celebrity splits" in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34):

By the way, in that clip I'm Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent.

I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I'm sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria's Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn't allowed in a Victoria's Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don't care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you.

Anne V's belly button is breathing a sigh of relief, because it will no longer get hit with a load of Adam Levine's douche chowder when he practices his fool-proof birth control method by pulling out. Anne V tells E! News that Adam Levine has pulled out of her for a final time and they're done FOREVER! I know, the cherubs are pulling out arrows to shoot themselves in the heart, because a rock star breaking up with a model tells us that the sanctity of marriage is a falsity! This is the statement Anne V shot into E! News the same way Adam's peen shoots into a hotel towel:

"Adam and I have decided to separate in an amicable and supportive manner. We still love and respect each other as friends. I wish him all the best."

Anne V went on to say, "But I won't miss holding in a queef FOR MY LIFE every time his stupid ass pulls out really fast."

Even though Anne V is the epitome of grace and demureness (Exhibit: EVERYTHING), she can not compete with the true holder of Adam Levine's heart:

Oh yes, that's Blake Shelton saying "He doesn't pull out with me, hunty!" with his eyes and pucker. So try not to fall over in shock when Blake eventually announces he's quitting his wife Miranda Lambert. Although, Blake should divorce Miranda for the sole fact that she has huge chunky lowlights in her hair and the year is not 2001.

Here's Blake dreaming of Adam while giving his trophy a dry handy at the Country Music Awards last night.

Adam Levine and his creature of elegance girlfriend Anne V were both on Howard Stern yesterday morning and in between talking about whether or not Snookitina is chunkalicious, he educated the children on his fool-proof birth control method. Adam obviously gets his birth control method tips from drunk frat boys, high school douchebags and coked-up investment bankers, because he says that the secret to not knocking a ho up is pulling out before the jizz hits the ovary. YES, the tried and true pull-out method. The same method that is the reason why most of us are here now! THIS BITCH:

“This is the longest, most functional relationship I’ve ever been in, I don’t want to screw it up. [I use] a fool-proof birth-control system, [the pull-out method].”

Adam has a tattoo of an eagle spitting out a happy trail on his torso, but I still don't think bitch is this stupid. Dude was just telling jokes. Adam doesn't only use the pull-out method. This is Adam's true dumb-proof birth control method: Milliseconds after Adam drops a dollop of jizz in Anne's V, he pulls out, gets on his knees and softly whisper into her coochie, "Make way for Adam Levine's fetus fishes..." Anne's ovaries shut in half and hide behind her uterus until the coast is clear. They're not trying to procreate with Adam Levine.

And before your brain spits out images of Adam making a cum pool in Anne's belly button, he says that he usually jizzes in towels. It's easy cleanup and if he's in a hotel, he just leaves it on the floor for the housekeeper to clean up. Nasty cotton fucker! Why do I have a feeling that on an upcoming episode of My Strange Addiction, we're going to learn all about Ryan Seacrest's addiction to eating hotel towels.

via The Frisky

Wasn't is Coco Chanel who said that before you head out the door, you should take one thing off? Well, Coco's legacy must be decorated with a string of pride this morning, because Adam Levine's piece Anne V took Coco's advice as she took off the left part of her dress before going to the Grammys last night. The Slut Dress' family tree has a new first cousin hanging off of its branches.

When you're looking for the perfect dress that will make dozens of people take your picture and run to the nearest computer to upload that picture to Wikipedia's entry on sophistication, ask yourself these questions:

1. Should this dress be sold with a roll of double-sided pussy tape?

2. Do you you need to power wax your snatch before putting on this dress and then also power wax your snatch halfway through the event so you don't hit the eyes around you with some 5 o'clock coochie shadow?

3. Could this dress be classified as a two-faced slut meaning that one half wants to go to a funeral and the other half wants to go to a beach-themed funeral?

4. Can you scratch your clitty without even lifting the skirt of this dress?

5. Do you have to take a period-stopping pill before wearing this dress so you don't have an uncensored Xtina moment?

6. Can everyone see your crotch muscles in this dress?

If you let out six YES!!!es in a row, then throw your credit card at the salesperson, clutch that dress with your life and growl at any hos who come near you, because you've just found the holy grail of elegance and everybody will want it for themselves. RUN! RUN! RUN!

And a bunch of other tricks tried to top Anne V, but they didn't even come close. Here's a few as well as others from last night's Grammys: Fuggie Fug (wearing a blanket of orange silly string over black Depends) with her mom, Diana Ross with her son Evan, Cyndi Lauper (looking like a Hot Topic Medusa) with her mom, Robyn, RiRi, Bruno Mars (looking like a Filipino Ricky Ricardo), Ice-T with the most beautiful woman in the world, Taylor Swift, Rebecca Black (who was called in as official seat filler since Chicken Cutlets was not available) and Katy Perry (paying homage to Marge Simpson's mama je'e).

Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC's Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS.

We've got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they're slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we've got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there's Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there's Blake Shelton and Slappy the Dummy Carson Daly making my gay gene shrivel down into the shape of a shrieking vulva by hugging on each other like that.

A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way?