No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I'm obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there's a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I'll stop there and yes I've given this way too much thought and I didn't want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You're welcome.
The actual point to this post - yes, there really is a point - is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton's latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.
And when MK sent me this link, he said "They should have put the bag over his head instead." *sigh* MK always says it better!
Or maybe Prince Hot Ginge is pulling up his pants to try to take away the gold medal in bulging from Henrik Rummel. It's not working. Try harder, PHG!
One thing I learned while looking at pictures of PHG snorting an invisible coke line and giving himself a near-sighted sobriety test at an Olympic cycling event yesterday is that before you pull out your shank.gif and point it at a picture of what you think is a ginge-stealing trollop tramp, you should make sure that he's not related to her. Because that ginge-stealing trollop tramp who made the sun's ovaries explode by pinching his cheeks is his auntie Princess Caroline. Sorry, Prince Caroline, and please keep up your tribute to Aunt Hetty's hair!
Love & Hip Hop Atlanta trick, K. Michelle (Side note: If I was dyslexic and a drag queen, K. Michelle would be my drag name. No, I'm not dyslexic. You learn something new, I know.), shook her head no yesterday at the rumor that nine-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte is tapping his American flag grill on her coochie full-time. K. Michelle says they're only really good friends (Translation: she licks the chlorine off his peen every and and again). Well, according to Ryan Lochte's mom, Ike Lochte, K. Michelle is telling the truth, because she told Today that her son is too busy winning medals and stuff, and he really doesn't have time for anything beyond a fuck and run.
When asked about Ryan's personal life, Ike Lochte was fresh out of fucks to give when she said this about his free agent peen: “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”
I love how she didn't even try to keep it vague by saying that he dates around and doesn't dip into anything serious. Ike Lochte just came out and said he's a hit it and quit it kind of slut. Debbie Phelps has some competition as the Olympic mother who wins my heart. But you know, I'm sure Ike Lochte being blunt as hell isn't going to embarrass Ryan. Ryan is too busy still trying to figure out the answer to the question "What's 7 times 4?" If you watch only one thing today, watch this priceless video of Ryan's greatest interview moments. If a perma-stoned Ryan Phillippe played Joey in Blossom, it would sort of look like this:
So many gems, but my favorite part is when he says that his cell phone screensaver is a picture of his brain.
If you've still got the sads from the U.S. men's gymnastics team fucking up and coming in fifth at the Olympic finals last night, then wipe your tears off with your hand and use those tears as lube, because here's some pictures of pocket hottie Danell Leyva in his chonies! SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!
A lady gave these stubbly pictures of 20-year-old U.S. gymnast Danell Leyva to Deadspin (via Queerty) yesterday afternoon, because she says he sorta played her wrong. The scorned lady and Danell actually never met in person (I think), but she says he screwed her over during a sexy pic exchange session and he's done it to other girls too. You know, they got into one of those "I'll text you my left nipple, if you text me your left nipple. I'll text you my smiling peen, if you text me your smiling snatch" things. Although, I don't know how he screwed her over, because the girl tells Deadspin that Danell gave up the goods by texting her a couple of nude pics. She's still holding on to them, but she's thinking of releasing them to Deadspin.
The lesson to be learned here is that don't mess with a lady who just sexted you a picture of her close-up bits and didn't get what she wanted in return, because she might share your crotch platano with the entire Internet. The other lesson to be learned here is that if you're going to take a picture of your baby cucumber hibernating in your chonies, make sure there's no visible piss drips on your underwear. Unless, you're sexting that picture to Kim Kartrashian, because that's definitely a selling point for her.
And duh, I'd hit it even though he sort of looks like a Cuban Wheelchair Jimmy.
Because I love a good dope controversy, I'm temporarily interrupting my highly important coverage of OctoMom's financial situation to bring you this story you've probably already heard about since every Olympic-loving ho is talking about it. Monocles up, because there's possible shadiness ahead.
16-year-old Ye Shiwen of China had gossiping whores whispering over the weekend after she not only won the gold in the 400-meter individual medley and beat the world record with a time of 4:28:43, but also out-swam Ryan Lochte in the final 50-meters. Ryan won the gold in that same event and did the final 50 meters in 29.10 seconds while Ye Shiwen did it in 28.93 seconds. Because of this and because Ye Shiwen came out of nowhere to beat the U.S. 400-meter champion Elizabeth Beisel, some are screaming: SOMETHING IN THE CHLORINE WATER IS DOOOOOOOOPED!
John Leonard, the executive director of the World Swimming Coaches Association, tells The Guardian that at the World Championship last year, Ye Shiwen swam the 400m 7 seconds slower than she did at the Olympics. John Leonard said with a whole of training, this is possible, but Ye Shiwen speed swimming in the last 100 meters like one of Lil' Wayne jizz fishes on meth IS completely impossible.
"We want to be very careful about calling it doping. The one thing I will say is that history in our sport will tell you that every time we see something, and I will put quotation marks around this, 'unbelievable', history shows us that it turns out later on there was doping involved. That last 100m was reminiscent of some old East German swimmers, for people who have been around a while. It was reminiscent of 400m individual medley by a young Irish woman in Atlanta.
I have been around swimming for four-and-a-half decades now. If you have been around swimming you know when something has been done that just isn't right. I have heard commentators saying 'well she is 16, and at that age amazing things happen'. Well yes, but not that amazing. I am sorry."
Ye Shiwen has never won a medal in the 400m in a major international competition before and many say she was the last swimmer they were expecting to win the gold in London.
Many athletes have been pre-tested before the games, but some hos think that maybe China came up with a new performance-enhancing drug that goes undetected during testing. Okay, if China did brew up that drug, can they please give that drug to Lindsay Lohan? Because all the drugs she takes turn her into a loser and it'd be nice for her to win at something for a change. Damn.
Maybe Ye Shiwen did dope her way to that win or maybe she just has it like that naturally. Nobody knows yet, but what we do know is that Ye Shiwen beating Ryan Lochte in the final 50 meters temporarily dimmed the douche sparkle on his ugly ass rhinestone American flag grill. That's the only thing that matters right now.
I know, you're just here for the Corgis.
At tonight's Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book.
I haven't finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I'm assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I'm also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England's official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I'm totally right.