To Shade Or Not To Shade

Mike Rowe, the host of both Discovery's Dirty Jobs and many of your conscious fap dreams, took a break from swimming in shit rivers in the sewers to say stuff at a micro-manufacturing victory roundtable hosted by Mitt Romney in Bedford Heights, Ohio today. Romney invited Mike Rowe to the roundtable after Mike sent him a letter saying that this country needs to show more support for the blue collar workers. Mike sent the same letter to Obama in 2009, but didn't get a response. So at the roundtable today, Mike said that we need to show more appreciation for the blue collar workers of America and try to make those jobs more desirable before robots from China replace US ALL! Mike never officially endorsed Romney, but I can't say I'd be mad if he turned around, dropped his pants, spread his cheeks and showed us the Rowe 4 Romney tattoo he has on his prune lips.

USA Today has a rundown of what basically came out of Mike's mouth today:

"We have unintentionally disconnected ourselves ... from the most important part of our workforce," Rowe said as he paid tribute to the "people who keep the lights on, people who allow toilets to work" and "people who pick up roadkill."

Rowe, also known for his Ford commercials, made headlines when he penned an open letter to the GOP presidential nominee, asking for a "national conversation" about what he calls a "skills gap."

"Our country has become emotionally disconnected from an essential part of our workforce," Rowe wrote to Romney. "We are no longer impressed with cheap electricity, paved roads, and indoor plumbing. We take our infrastructure for granted, and the people who build it."

Rowe said he accepted Romney's invitation to be at the business roundtable so he could help put a spotlight on the need for skilled labor. "We need more opportunity and training," Rowe said, adding that there also needs to be "desire" to do blue-collar jobs.

When he wrote the letter, Rowe told Romney he'd vote for him in November if he read the whole thing. He gave no clue on how he'll cast his ballot.

The only thing I have to add after seeing Mike Rowe stand next to Mitt Romney with all those serious faces in the background is that it might take me a while.... and I might have to take breaks.... and I'll definitely have to give myself a pep talk every few minutes.... and I'm going to use every possible lube in my kitchen cabinet, but I'm going to find a way to fap to this. And that is the dirtiest job of all.

(vid via Buzzfeed)

I went to Williamstown, MA a couple of weekends ago, because every now and again I like to trade in my nightly routine of getting drunk in my underwear on my couch for getting drunk in my swim panties on a patch of grass in the country somewhere. And I also went, because my gay gene compelled me to see a Sharon Tate-ized Leslie Bibb as a bimbo in a Neil Simon play. While I was there, some goat-footed, wheezy old theater queens (aka me in five years) in the lobby kept slobbering on and on about how Bradley Cooper has been a revelation during rehearsals for The Elephant Man. Then they said something about how B. Coop is only wearing old-timey chonies for a small chunk of the play. That was all I needed to hear to run to the box office and say, "One ticket for next week's opening night of The Elephant Mens, please." A bunch of whores had the same idea as me, because I was denied a ticket and told the entire run sold out in a quick second. Boo.

Well, now I'm really booing at not getting a ticket, because here's some pictures of B. Coop pushing out some serious raw emotions in The Elephant Man and I need to see all this WTF-ness live and in motion. The dude who plays Joseph Merrick in The Elephant Man never wears prosthetics, because the playwright Bernard Pomerance wanted everything to be communicated through physical acting stuff. But I think Bernard Pomerance was a future see-er and just really wanted the world to see B. Coop making an "Andy Cohen rocking out to Journey" face, among many others. Just give B. Coop all the Tonys already.

Bonus: Here's a picture of Bowie in a loin cloth as Merrick.

This is what Disney got when they threw together $200 million, Sam Raimi James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff (???) and slightly more special effects than your average Mimi photo shoot. This is the trailer for the prequel of Wizard of Oz, Oz: The Great And Powerful and it comes out next year after the world has ended.

James Franco plays some kind of scheming magician who gets sucked into a tornado and travels to a land made of leftover CGI effects from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. James then meets the three witches: Mila Kunis, who looks like a cross between a bootleg Carmen Sandiego and a lost character from Clue,  Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. Even in a damn children's movie Michelle Williams looks sad, cold and on the verge of tears. Somebody get her a space blanket and a basket of kittens. Michelle plays Glinda, so shouldn't she be like singing and blowing out bubbles and shit? Anyway, once James meets them, they somehow decide that he's the first coming of God and is going to save Oz. It's kind of like how James Franco thinks he, James Franco, is the first coming of God and is going to save us with his ART.

Also, am I the only one who wishes that Oz: The Great And Powerful was a movie about Christopher Meloni having non-stop butt sex in a prison shower?

Click here if you can't see the trailer above.

When Lifetime announced that they were doing a remake of Steel Magnolias with Queen Latifah as M'Lynn, I felt like I had just been slapped in the face by Jack Jr. on Easter Sunday. And after seeing the trailer, I'm torn ("Don't they have anus stitches at the free clinic?" - you). On one hand, this looks really well done and like Lifetime put all their money on this and used leftover Camel Cash and drink tickets to pay for Liz & Dick. On the other hand, this sort of looks like six friends (Queen, Alfre Woodard, Phylicia Rashad, Jill Scott, Adepero Oduye and Condola Rashad) got drunk on pink wine together and started reciting lines from the movie (aka what I do every Sunday night with my dog. He plays Shelby, obviously.) It's almost like a J. Jill catalog come to life. Where's the camp?! Where's the over-the-top tears?! Where was Shelby's kitchen ass Sandy Duncan wig?

I'm mad at Lifetime, so I'm probably just taking that out on this trailer. I'm mad at Lifetime, because I just saw pictures of Lindsay Lohan on the Liz & Dick set looking like a bloated Miss Swann as Chinopatra.

I forgot that this was happening, but this is definitely happening. Naomi Watts is in Croatia shooting the movie Caught in Flight, which IMDB says is only going to focus on the time in Princess Diana's life when she had an affair with heart surgeon Dr. Hasnat Kahn (played by Sayid from Lost). So yeah, unfortunately there won't be a scene in the movie of Princess Diana giving birth to an orb of ginger sunshine and naming him Prince Harry.

These are some of the first pictures of Naomi in full Princess Di drag and I don't know. In some angles, Naomi looks so much like Princess Di that "Candle in the Wind" starts playing in my head and in other angles, she just looks like Naomi Watts in a reworked Leif Garrett wig. Whatever, I'm sure she'll pull it off and if she doesn't, at least she can recycle that wig and wear it to play Tina Brown in a biopic.

As Dr. Blossom protected her nipple knobs with rubber teeth guards to breastfeed her 3-year-old, her Blossom co-star Joey Lawrence flashed his freshly waxed, tinted and made up man nipples for a crowd of screaming hos at the Rio's Chippendales show in Las Vegas last night. As much as I get the lukewarm tingles from watching a hot piece from the 90s flex all 30,000 muscles in his body on stage at a strip show, I want to see the footage from the dressing room. That's where the real show was at. Can you imagine what it takes for Joey Lawrence to look like a pristine as fuck Yul Brynner wax figure? I can!

Joey's team slathers him in wax from the neck down before wrapping him in wax strips like a gay mummy. Then they rip all the strips off at once and Joey screams "WOAH!" so hard that his stray brow hairs shoot off of his face. Joey's glam team each holds up a card with a score of 10 on it, because that's how much of an eyebrow game champion he is. As John Travolta's wig master prunes the brown rug on Joey's head until it looks like a curb of hair, his team sloppily paints discount self tanner on his body with old paint rollers. To finish him off, they shove blue gummy worms under the skin of his biceps to make it look like he's got some serious manly man veins. And that's how Joey Lawrence is transformed into Raven's not-as-hot twin!

Brian McKnight is back and he's still using his dirty tongue to flick off musical lyrics about all the ways he can get you off. If it wasn't for Professor McPussyWhisperer, you wouldn't know about female ejaculation and now he's really going for his first Grammy win by moving from the cooch hole to the booty hole. Brian gave the clip of his new ode to ass sex to TMZ and tells them he wrote it as a thank you to YouPorn.com for making his pussy learning song a hit. Yes, a song about dick-on-no-no action. It looks like the Kardashians have a new theme song for their shit show!

TMZ censored the hell out of the clip, but you can still tell that the song is so poetically beautiful that Hallmark should put it into its singing Valentine's Day cards. Here's just a taste of the lyrics and I really mean that, you can actually taste them. You can smell them too (it's like eau de Scientology Center).  You might want to slip your tongue into a condom and plug your nose before you go in:

"You wanna see some fucking anal, I can get you close enough to smell."

Highly respected music history professors will be reciting those lyrics in 150 years while lecturing students on the most important musical works of the 21st century. I like the direction Brian McKnight is going and since he's self-appointing himself as the musical encyclopedia of fuck times, can he please croon about felching next?

So, I used to have this boyfriend who liked to call me "kitten" ("Does anybody know where I can find a vampire to glamour that thought from the storage unit in my brain?" - you) as a joke and one time I was playing my voicemails on speakerphone in the break room of my job. Just as my boyfriend said "Hi kitten, it's me," my supervisor strolls in and says something like, "I know you're not a 4-year-old white girl and I know that's not your father. That voicemail is completely inappropriate and nobody other than you needs to hear that. Shit, I don't even know if you need to hear it." She had a point. That's sort of how I feel about this video message one of Brit Brit's owners, Jason Trawick, uploaded for the whole world to see.

It's supposed to be sweet, but to me it looks like a cross between a death bed goodbye video and a hostage situation video. Either dude got into Brit Brit's pill stash or he's bleeding from the butt and slowly falling into a coma while recording this mess. Even his tongue sounds drugged up. I mean, that lisp....

via NYDN

Some of us are just coming off of a long weekend where we shoveled piles of cake pieces and charbroiled meat patties marinated in beer into the eating holes on our faces until we bloated up like vaporizer bags full of lukewarm farts (special thanks to face eater expert J. Harvey for making it possible for me to do so), so what better way is there to start this Monday (camouflaged as Tuesday) than by looking at pictures of Craig David flexing the six pack on his nipples in Miami over the weekend.

If you feel bad about only picking up 2-liter beer jugs this weekend instead of picking up a barbell like Craig David here, don't! It's true that the Gods above allow humanity to have only a certain number of muscles total, so we're doing Craig David a favor by giving him our shares. I don't have muscles so that Craig David can have more than enough. You're welcome, Craig David!

If you're still trying to figure out who the hell Craig David is, I should tell your ass that he used to be known for singing, but now he's known for being a muscle hoarder.  Craig David is also what your last name would be if you had a three way marriage with Daniel Craig and Larry David. Good to know.

And if torsos like greased up sticks of delicious beef jerky don't do it for you, I also threw in pictures of Gabrielle Union warming her nalgas in Miami yesterday.

Yes, it does and I'm just going to try to forget that.

I just watched my dog poo before he pissed (I did not know dogs can do this! Even I can't do this!) and even that was less confusing to me than the first trailer for Baz Luhrmann's 3D EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAAA remake of The Great Gatsby starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo DiCaprio's main homegirl Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan and Isla Fisher. On one hand, this looks like a life-like video game and Carey Mulligan and Leo look like they have the chemistry of two flaccid peens. On the other hand, it has glitter confetti! Since this mess is in 3D, the glitter confetti is going to come at my face (I'll finally know what it feels like to get a facial from Liberace)! Seriously, I think Baz had me at glitter confetti. But he could've thrown 3D glitter confetti on a piece of shit (which is probably what this movie will be) and I'd be happy. (No Scat Queen here.)