To Shade Or Not To Shade

Starting at around the 4:09 mark in the clip above, Krishnan Guru-Murthy of Britain's Channel 4 News starts asking Quentin Tarantino about the link between violence in movies and violence in real life. That question has been to QT's ears dozens of times before and it's pissed him off dozens of times before and this time was no exception. Krishnan asked QT why he doesn't believe there's a connection between loving fake violence in movies and loving real violence in real life, and he was not having any of it. QT tried to shut him down by saying, "Don't ask me a question like that. I'm not biting. I'm refusing your question. I'm not your slave and you're not my master. You can't make me dance to your tune. I'm not your monkey. I refuse." Eeeesh. Bitch got dramatic like that. I'm surprised QT didn't jump out of his chair, put his finger in Krishnan's face and say, "All my life I had to fight....."

Krishnan wouldn't back down and he kept pressing the question on QT and QT kept pushing the question away. QT let Krishnan know that the interview was a commercial for his movie and to Google him, you dumb fuck (copyright: Nay Nay Semel), to get the answer to the violence question, because he's answered it a million times before. QT went off like this:

"I don't want [to answer that]. I'm here to sell my movie. This is a commercial for the movie. Make no mistake. [...] I don't want to talk about what you want to talk about. I don't want to talk about the implications of violence. The reason I don't want to talk about it? Because I've said everything I have to say about it. If anyone cares what I have to say about it, they can Google me. They can look for 20 years what I have to say. I haven't changed my opinion one iota."

At one point, QT shouts, "I'm shutting your butt down!" Personally, I think QT went too far with that line. QT should watch what he says, because that line hits too close to homo home for some. How would he like it if every time he had a rectal exam at the clinic, he heard that line from his free clinic physician AND the CDC. Nobody wants their butt shut down. That's like shutting down a party early.

Krishnan and QT went at it for a while before moving on to the next question and going on with the interview like professionals. But Krishnan went about it the wrong way. You have to sweeten QT up if you want him to answer some serious questions. Krishnan should've slowly took off his leather oxford loafers, sensually stripped off his socks one by one, squirted the Jergens on his toes and let QT go to QT's favorite place: Foot Town. QT would've been putty in his feet and would've answered any question Krishnan asked. Yes, QT would've had to excuse himself a couple of times, but at least Krishnan would've gotten answers to his questions.

Years from now, Gia Lopez's therapist will pull out this picture to remind her of the moment that put the first scar on her childhood and she'll slap herself in the face for not yanking a ho when she had the chance.

To sell his line of man chonies that look like lady chonies, Mario Lopez (aka forever AC Slater to me) made his new wife tweet a picture of him putting a star on top of their skinny ass Christmas tree. NO FATTIES in AC Slater's house! That goes for the Christmas trees too.

It's one thing to make your toddler daughter hold the stepladder for you, but it's another to make her do it while you're wearing panties that make your ass look extra hungry. It looks like it's going to chomp on anything in its way.

On December 26th, John Travolta will gladly do Gia Lopez a favor and hold that ladder while AC Slater takes the star down. Yes, John will wear a mistletoe hat and yes his tongue will go down AC Slater's chimney at one point or another. I think you might like it, AC Slater!

via ONTD

Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can't believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I'm writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn't Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label....but I still bought acid wash jeans there.

The NYDN says that Dannielynn's ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he's not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris' School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn's only modeling gig for now:

"People have said she's already stepping into her mom's shoes, and that's very broad. I want to be clear this was just a tribute. She's still a kid at heart, and she's going to stay that way as long as possible. It's really a tribute to her mom more than anything. She's not going to be a model.

Her mom's history with Guess was very positive. The ads were iconic and timeless. She asked me if she was going to be on the shopping bags like her mom. She was really excited about it. She had great time on the shoot. It was really just a day at the beach, playing in the sand."

I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won't see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly's children's clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn.

And these ads would've been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them.

The world was in danger of never hearing Elmo's high-pitched laugh again (which really wasn't a bad thing) when his puppeteer Kevin Clash was accused of pulling a Rob Lowe by getting it on with a 16-year-old boy eight years ago. Right before Sesame Street was about to make its debut on the National Sex Offender Registry, Kevin's accuser took it all back and said that he was legal when he humped on Elmo's voice. That was that until The Smoking Gun named names and showed faces.

TSG says that the dude who tried to smear Elmo's good name is 24-year-old wannabe model/actor type Sheldon Stephens of Pennsylvania. The holidays at the Stephens house is going to be real fun this year, because one of Sheldon's family members gave his ass up to TSG. The family member said that they don't know how Sheldon met Kevin, but he lived in NYC for a little bit and has always attracted "high-powered men." High-powered men?! Bitch, Kevin Clash is the voice of Elmo and he might have the power to tell you that today's episode is brought to you by the letter A, but that's about it. Bitch is acting like Sheldon got it on with the Director of the CIA or something.

Yesterday, TMZ hinted that Kevin's lawyer and Sheldon's lawyer spent the afternoon in settlement negotiations and that a stack of hush money was on the table, but TSG doesn't think this happened. Sheldon's law firm dumped him early yesterday and issued a statement saying that they don't represent him anymore.

Sheldon also has a short history of trying to grift a bitch. Since 2009, Sheldon has been arrested for trying to pass a bad check, reckless driving and robbing a music manager at knifepoint. Music manager Darian Pollard accused Sheldon of snatching a $250,000 diamond necklace from him. Sheldon faced two felony charges for that act of thievery, but the charges were never filed. When TSG asked Darian Pollard about it, he said it was all just a misunderstanding.

We probably won't ever know what really went down between Sheldon and Elmo's vocal cords, but we do know that his ass still got paid. TMZ probably paid Sheldon for his story and Kevin Clash might've paid him to go away. Now that Sheldon has a little money in his wallet, he should use some to buy a lifetime supply of NADS, because flashing pit stubble in your modeling pic is not a good look. Sheldon should also use some of that money to pay a tattoo artist to tattoo four stool legs under his right nipple. Because right now it looks like she's shitting out his nipple.

The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody's garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.

My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it's not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should've used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I'm just saying that because I'm jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.

Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can't convince me otherwise.

All shade aside, this doesn't look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn't?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she's either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can't believe that she's acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.

I really miss the days when almost every TV show cast photo had a stool in it.

Childhoods exploded into a cloud of conflicted emotions last night when TVLine said that the Disney Channel is in the very early stages of working on a reboot of Boy Meets World called Girl Meets World (TWIST!). GMW will focus on Cory and Topanga's pre-teen daughter and her friends. Disney is trying to get Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel to come back as Cory and Topanga.

True story: This 16-year-old girl from my high school had a daughter and used Topanga as her kid's middle name because she loved BMW so much. That entire sentence can be explained with one word: California.

I'm not sure about this shit, because if the Disney Channel is going to start pulling out old shows from the TGIF days and rebooting them, they should've started with a Kimmy Gibbler spin-off. Disney ruins almost everything, so I'm sure they'll ruin BMW too, but it could work if they add the secret ingredient:

NO FEENY, NO SHOW!

No, Kelly Clarkson didn't go blond. This is Avril Lavigne's bleached porcupine-looking ex-husband, Deryck Whibley as her and that's his girlfriend Ari Cooper as Chad Kroeger. There's no shade like Canadian shade. The last time I laughed at something Deryck did was when he actually married Avril Lavigne and now I'm laughing at Deryck showing Avril up by looking prettier than her.

This mess of a costume is tragic, desperate and sad, and I love all of it. It's perfect. It's even more perfect when you think about how later on in the night, "Avril" licked "Chad's" pussy in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Yeah, something tells me this isn't the first time Deryck and Ari have dressed up as Avril and Chad. They probably have a sex swing made of torn Abbey Dawn t-shirts hanging in the corner of their bedroom and they both can't bust out an orgasm unless a Nickelback is blaring in their ears. Sucio bitches.

To keep the Canadian shade going, Chad Kroeger lit a cigarette and burned Deryck back on Twitter:

This is like watching a catty fight between an overused butt plug and a factory-defected enema. You can't choose a side. If you asked Deryck who won, he would say he did and if you asked Chad who won, he would say he did. But they both lose, because they both can say that they've bumped nipples with Avril Lavigne.

via Entertainment Weekly 

And now for a memo from the desk of a douche...

Slapping the robot hand that feeds caviar and diamonds all started with Megan Fox who compared Michael Bay to Hitler and said a bunch of other ridiculous things about the movie franchise that made her millions of dollars. Then Shia LaDouche joined in on the Transformers hate. Then the other day, Hugo Weaving, who was the voice of Megatron, told Collider that the Transformers job was completely meaningless and was just a check. Here's a piece of what Hugo said:

That’s a weird job for me because it honestly was a two-hour voice job, initially. I was doing a play and I actually didn’t have time, anyway. It was one of the only things I’ve ever done where I had no knowledge of it, I didn’t care about it, I didn’t think about it. They wanted me to do it. In one way, I regret that bit. I don’t regret doing it, but I very rarely do something if it’s meaningless. It was meaningless to me, honestly. I don’t mean that in any nasty way. I did it. It was a two-hour voice job, while I was doing other things. Of course, it’s a massive film that’s made masses of money. I just happened to be the voice of one of the iconic villainous characters. But, my link to that and to Michael Bay is so minimal. I have never met him. I was never on set. I’ve seen his face on Skype. I know nothing about him, really. I just went in and did it.

I don't think what Hugo said is that bad. Hugo's basically saying a check is a check, but Michael Bay didn't like it at all. Michael Bay took a little time out from masturbating with nitroglycol on a stick of dynamite to write an open letter (which his ass has since deleted) to whiners like Shia, Megan and Hugo who are crying about having a job that pays a crap load.

Do you ever get sick of actors that make $15 million a picture, or even $200,000 for voiceover work that took a brisk one hour and 43 minutes to complete, and then complain about their jobs?

With all the problems facing our world today, do these grumbling thespians really think people reading the news actually care about trivial complaints that their job wasn’t “artistic enough” or “fulfilling enough”? [...] What happened to people who had integrity, who did a job, got paid for their hard work, and just smiled afterward? Be happy you even have a job — let alone a job that pays you more than 98% of the people in America.

I have a wonderful idea for all those whiners: They can give their “unhappy job money” to a wonderful Elephant Rescue. It’s the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Africa. I will match the funds they donate.

Hugo Weaving was Mitzi Del Bra, so he usually can do no wrong, but I hate him, Megan and Shia right now for making me agree with a pea-headed twat who thinks it's okay to wear an all-white, cotton and linen ensemble out in public. Can somebody please tell Michael Bay that wearing an outfit like that is only okay if you're a waiter at Diddy's white party, a Caribbean nurse or an orderly at a gay mental hospital. I hate them all for making me agree with Michael Bay.

That said, Michael needs to fist himself in the mouth for acting like he cares elephants. I'm sure that seconds after he finished watching Dumbo for the first time, he thought to himself that it would've been so much better if Dumbo exploded at the end.

via Vulture

Actor, foolery maker and comedian Richard Belzer was on Fox 5's Good Day New York today, which is sort of surprising since I can't believe they have time to interview guests in between giving us the weather every 3 seconds. But anyway, they had Richard Belzer on to talk about Law & Order: SVU and stuff, and who ever is in charge of hitting the bleep button nearly had an aneurysm in their censorin' finger when he started making jokes about ass rape. Richard also topped his ass rape joke by giving out a special "Heil, gurl, Heil" to Fox News.

The ridiculousness started when one viewer said that Good Day New York's co-host Dave Price looks like a clone of Richard Belzer. (Side note: I definitely have different eyeballs than that viewer, because I don't see it at all. Richard Belzer looks more like a mix of white Obama and a scholarly Galapagos turtle to me.) Co-host Rosanna Scotto said that Dave should play Richard's brother on SVU and Richard responded with: "If he gets molested and banged in the ass."

The side-eyes and nervous laughs from the hosts was Richard Belzer's cue to say goodbye, so he did it by making the Nazi salute for Dave and Rosanna's colleagues at the other Fox division. Richard's rep told TMZ that it was all just a joke: "[It was] satirical gesture toward Fox News ... whose ideology he is opposed to. The other portion was a joke pertaining to the material of Richard's TV show, which he tweaked at the last minute to make about furniture. A joke is a joke." 

What an irresponsible, stupid and dangerous thing to do! If Mad Mel Gibson was watching with the sound off and didn't know Richard Belzer was Jewish, he'd want to bang Richard in the ass before Jacuzzi. In this day and age, the Nazi salute is also sign language for "Please bang me in the ass before Jacuzzi, Mel Gibson." Richard should know better. For shame.

This is happening, according to this real press release from Deadline:

Seth MacFarlane will host the 85th Academy Awards®, telecast producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron announced today. This will be MacFarlane’s first appearance on Oscar’s stage. The 85th Academy Awards will be broadcast live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, on the ABC Television Network.

“We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh,” said Zadan and Meron. “He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him.”

“It’s truly an overwhelming privilege to be asked to host the Oscars,” said MacFarlane. “My thoughts upon hearing the news were, one, I will do my utmost to live up to the high standards set forth by my predecessors; and two, I hope they don’t find out I hosted the Charlie Sheen Roast.”

On one hand, Seth is always making the smuggest expressions (see pic above) and the only thing his face should host is a fist, so I can't imagine staring at that for 5 million hours straight. But on the other hand, I LOVE this, because this could be the train wreck mess that will unite all of us together. Remember when James Franco and Anne Hathaway's beyond awful performances made us all barf next to each other as one? Nothing brings us together like an Oscar shit show.