To Shade Or Not To Shade
The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that shit up in the movie.
THR says that they haven't put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto's partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as "brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed." Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world's premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.
Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe's singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don't care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here's a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.
Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they're able to sing is when they sing into each other's butts. It's what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!
And here's Chris Pine at last night's L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.
JLo shot her Kohl's commercial camouflaged as a music video on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale yesterday and every time she cooed, the crew said to themselves, "Oh, so that's what an Oompa Loompa's butt lips look like when it gets excited!"
While Casper Smart's mother babysat him and made sure that he didn't "accidentally" stumble into the men's bathroom to "accidentally" put his mouth over a glory hole, JLo did herself up like a greasy apricot Fruit Roll-Up to shoot her video. I'd rather eat cold kale mash out of a green CROC than say anything nice about JLo, but I have to say that she's never looked hotter. But I'm only saying that because she's got lips like two tangerine slices and she's showing us what it looks like when Prince Hot Ginge bends over naked. And that IS the look.
In other JLo news, Gossip Cop says that after the shoot, Entertainment Tonight talked to JLo and during the interview, three gun shots rang out near her. JLo's security immediately grabbed her, threw her in a car and drove away. JLo really isn't Jenny from the Block anymore, because Jenny from the Block would've ran out of there before the second gun shot was heard. That reminds me of this time in high school when my chola cousin and I were walking to Taco Bell with some friends. We're walking along when a car backfired across the street. My cousin thought it was gun shots and jumped in the damn bushes next to us. This bitch was hiding in the bushes. I turned around, pulled her out of the bushes and told her dumb ass that leaves can't stop a bullet. Then she said to me, "No, leaves can't stop a bullet, but your body can and you were standing in front of the bush." I see how it is...
I know this picture looks like it was taken at a douchebag rodeo, but it was taken at the Stagecoach Musical Festival in Indio, CA yesterday. The Stagecoach Musical Festival is country music's answer to Coachella and they throw it on the same grounds where Coachella is thrown. So I'm guessing that somewhere on those grounds, Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens woke up from the molly-coke-peyote-induced coma that she fell into last weekend and wondered why in the hell is everyone wearing cowboy hats with their coochie cutters instead of floral headbands with their coochie cutters?
Anyway, TMZ says that Ashton Kutcher was there yesterday, but he wasn't there for long, because he left after getting into it with a security guard. Their source says that Kutchie was watching Nick 13 and Dwight Yoakam from the VIP area when he spotted someone he probably knew and went over to greet the chick. For some reason, the security guard didn't like this move and came at Kutchie and the chick.
The source says that the security guard started shoving Kutchie and the chick, and he shoved the security guard back. They kept shoving each other and Ashton's friends tried to pull him away. If you're wondering what that fight looked like, just throw a bunch of used douche bottles into a dryer and turn it on.
After Ashton and the security guard angrily bumped nipples for a bit, he left the festival. TMZ's source says that the security guard started it and was the one at fault.
Since Ashton is a shameless slut and has stuck his peen in nearly every California trick from Del Norte to El Centro, I'm going to guess that the security guard's girlfriend was one of his side tricks and that's why shit got serious. But shoving, Ashton, really? Pfft. Ashton's ex-father Bruce Willis would've had that security guard on the ground in zero point five seconds just by flinching at that ho.
And should I be disgusted with myself for thinking that Kutchie looks hot in a cowboy hat?
Just like Tom Hiddleston did, Ben Affleck will live on a $1.50 food budget to raise awareness for global poverty. Starting on April 29th, Ben will eat a boiled egg for breakfast, popcorn for lunch, ketchup packet soup for dinner and he'll have to smoke actual weeds from his backyard instead of marijuana. Or he can just starve all day and only drink a small coffee from Starbucks or nibble really, really slow on a Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich from Carl's Jr. It'll be like being in college again.
The annual Live Below The Poverty Line Initiative announced today that Josh Groban, Debi Mazar and Sofia Bush will also be joining Ben's ass:
We are excited to announce that Ben Affleck will be joining us in the Live Below The Line USA challenge next week. He will be supporting Eastern Congo Initiative (ECI). Join Ben, Sophia Bush, Josh Groban, and thousands of others around the world as we raise attention and funds for some of the best charities out there in the fight against extreme poverty.
I was going to say that Goopy Paltrow should join them since she's always starving herself, so she might as well do it for charity. But when she fasts, she drinks amniotic fluid from a Northern White Rhino and nibbles on dried petals from a rare Ghost Orchid and those things cost way more than $1.50 a day. Goopy can't even breathe for less than $1.50, because the machine that pumps purified air into her townhouse costs a lot more than that to run. Goopy will just have her business manager cut a check.
After Mila Kunis accepted an invitation to the Marine Corps Ball, every ho and every ho's little brother started asking celebrities to be their date to their special event and the trend lives on. While my video invite asking Anderson Cooper to come to a party in my butt goes unanswered (RUDE!), Kate Upton did answer a video invitation from a high school senior who wants her to go to his prom with him.
When Jake Davidson's prom video invite (the awkwardness is below in all its awkward glory) went viral on Sunday, Kate Upton tweeted him on Monday and told him she had to check her schedule. Today had the real-life Wyatt from Weird Science on their show morning and after he told them all the reasons why he thinks Kate should go to the prom with him, Savannah and Hoda told him that they had her on the line. Before Kate even said "hi," dude started and finished right then and there. If dude almost has a panic attack just from hearing Kate's voice, he's going to hyperventilate himself out of puberty if he meets her ass in person.
Kate once again said that she'd have to check her schedule and I think what she means by that is that she has to go down to the court house to get a restraining order.
When I first saw these pictures last night, I cringed so hard I turned straight for a quick second before turning gay again. The sight of The Silver Fox putting his mouth on Madge while she was dressed like a cub scout made my sexuality spin a full 360 degrees and back again. All of Anderson Cooper's big gay dreams came true last night when he accepted the Vito Russo Award from Scoutmaster Madge at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night. Every coconut flake on my Samoa burnt, curled and fell off.
Madge came to the GLAAD Awards dressed in complete cub scout drag to let the Boy Scouts of America know that as long as they stay anti-gay, she'll never enroll Baby Brahim in their organization. (Click here to see Madge's speech.) Madge is kind of giving me a "Little Debbie's memaw in a remake of Troop Beverly Hills" vibe. Speaking of Troop Beverly Hills, I know the Girl Scouts and the Boy Scouts are totally different, but Madge still missed an opportunity to do a disco remix version of COOKIE TIME! That really would've given the GLAAD Awards the ultimate gay moment it needed.
And here's Anderson getting himself a mouthful of Madge while accepting his award last night:
You know that part where he thanks his partner Benjamin? Yeah, I already dubbed over that to make him say, "my stalker Michael K."
A few months ago, Joaquin Phoenix spit at Oscar and told Interview that taking part in the Oscar game is like chasing a carrot that's been marinated in shit (read: a carrot that tastes like his taint). Joaquin Phoenix later took back his comments when he realized that he was an Oscar contender this year and really just wants to wrap his hands around that majestic gold-plated dildo statute like everybody else. Joaquin is done with trashing the Oscars for now, but Ethan Hawke is picking up where he left off. Ethan Hawke told Gotham Magazine (via P6) that the Oscars ain't shit and he thinks the Oscars are destroying the movie industry the same way peroxide destroyed his hotness. Ethan pretty much co-signed everything Joaquin said including the part about carrots.
“People want to turn everything in this country into a competition . . . [so] it’s clear who the winner is and who the loser is. It’s why they like to announce the grosses of movies, because it’s a way of saying, ‘This one is No. 1.’ It’s so asinine . . . if you look at how many forgettable, stupid movies have won Oscars and how many mediocre performers have Oscars above their fireplace. Making a priority of chasing these fake carrots and money and dubious accolades, I think it’s really destructive.”
You can say that Ethan Hawke is snarling at Oscar, because he hasn't been nominated for once since 2004. You can also says that Ethan Hawke is just grumpy in general, because he looks like a depression era Guy Fieri. But you can't say that he's not telling the truth for the most part. If the Oscars weren't a popularity contest run by studio executives and truly honored the greatest works in cinema, Showgirls would have won at least 11 Oscars and every dog who played Benji would have an Oscar. And none of us would have the memory of GOOPY Paltrow's ugly pink princess dress embedded into our brains, because she would've never even been nominated!
But whatever, if Ethan ever wins an Oscar, I'm sure he'll be up there saying, "This is such an honor! I love you, Oscar! Now, let's eat some carrots!"
And seriously, why does Hollywood hate carrots so much?!
It was in the 50s in NYC and that's practically summertimes weather, so when the temperature goes up, Mimi's clothes come off before she sashays out onto the street. Wearing an outfit that I know a member of En Vogue wore at least once during the 90s, Mimi stepped out of her apartment in Tribeca, stopped, pushed her Hello Titty balls out, posed and got into her SUV. Only a rich bitch who goes directly from the venue to the car would flash her bully button in NYC in January. Correction: Only a rich bitch named Mariah Carey would flash her belly button in NYC in January. The outfit says "I'm hardly in the elements, darling!"
And I guess Mimi's full-time ab painter had the day off.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
On Saturday Night Live last night, Jennifer Lawrence took her "I Beat Meryl" joke to the next level by trashing every one of her Best Actress rivals from Hush Puppy to Naomi Watts. (Click here if you're outside of the US since NBC is prejudiced against non-Americans.) Jennifer, who delivers every line that comes out of her mouth like she's challenging a group of dudes to a drink-off at a sports bar, read them all like this:
Jessica Chastain: "More like Jessica ChasaintwinningnoOscaronmywatch! In Zero Dark Thirty you caught Bin Laden. So what? In Winter's Bone I caught a squirrel and then ate it. Boom, deal with that. Also, every time I see you act I learn something new."
Naomi Watts: "You were in The Impossible. You know what else is impossible? You beating me on Oscar night. Naomi Wattsherproblem? She's going to lose. Oh, and Naomi, you are amazing in everything you do."
Quvenzhané Wallis: "You think you can beat me? What you talkin' 'bout, Wallis?' Also, the Alphabet called. It wants its letters back. Quvenzhané, I saw Beasts of the Southern Wild and you are a revelation."
Emmanuelle Riva: "An 85-year-old French lady? Um yeah, I think I can take you. You know what I say to your Oscar chances, Emmanuelle Riva? Emmanuelle Arrivederci."
I flunked my first semester of High School French, but isn't Arrivederci, Italian? I think Bugs Bunny or some other bitch like that said it in his trip to Rome.
And somewhere in the world, Emmanuelle Riva is slathering Crisco on her face, Hush Puppy is pulling her hair back in a tight bun, Naomi Watts is sticking razors in her hair and Jessica Chastain is taking off her hoop earrings. They're going to jump that bitch.