THE QUEEN

I know, here we were all thinking that the British royals aren't allowed to ever take their clothes off and always wear nipple-to-ankle underwear with cut-out crotch holes for peein' and matin' and that's it, but nope. Seeing Prince Hot Ginge's glorious undercooked pancake ass cheeks, Prince Philip's censored Loch Ness crotch monster and Prince William's NSFW peen busby taught us that the British royals can get nekkid. And now it's Duchess Kate's turn to join the club.

While Duchess Kate sunbathed with her nipples out on a private estate in France, some pap hung upside down from a tree 200 yards away, stuck his 50 foot lens on a potato camera and took blurry pictures of her half-nakedness. Since the British media will be flogged 25 times in the mouth with The Queen's pocketbook if they expose the royal nipples, they declined buying the pics from the pap, so the pap sold them to the French tabloid Closer. The British royal family is disgusted this morning and not because they just watched Camilla slurp cooked oatmeal out of her feedbag while Prince Charles polished her toes with his tongue (a trick he learned from Fergie). They're disgusted because Duchess Kate's privacy was invaded and the BBC says they're considering throwing a lawsuit at the pap and Closer. Closer's editor defended publishing the exclusivité pictures by saying this:

"These photos are not in the least shocking. They show a young woman sunbathing topless, like the millions of women you see on beaches. What we saw in the pictures was a young couple that have just got married, who are in love, who are beautiful. She's a princess of the 21st Century. They [the couple] are on the terrace of a mansion in the south of France which is not far from a road along which cars pass without any problem. They are visible from the street."

Egotastic has a lot of the pictures and there's really nothing scandalous about them. Yes, Duchess Kate has nipples, but you can barely tell that they're nipples. If you told me Duchess Kate and Prince William were playing a strange British royal game where they have to balance extra large Hershey Kisses on their chests and she's in the lead, I'd believe you. And don't think we're going to see THE QUEEN'S nips anytime soon. Right after these pictures went public, QEII called Kate up and said, "Dumb trollop, this is why I always wear union jack pasties. I'll send you a pair."

And here's Prince Willy and Duchess Kate at a mosque in Malaysia this morning. The woman throwing a "BEHOLD! The royal nipples!" look is giving me life.

If you're a member of the British royal family and The Queen doesn't beat you with a pocketbook full of bricks for going pants-off wild in Las Vegas, then you really didn't go for enough. So Prince Hot Ginge should give himself a pat on the taint (and he should do it naked.... in his VIP suite at the Wynn... in front of a bunch of sluts with iPhones who will sell the pictures to TMZ) for a job well done, because apparently the royal family isn't happy that he has dirtied up their pristine, proper image with his filthy hot ginger nipples. (Note: Will somebody please tell the royal family that their pristine image was already smeared with a Prince Charles-faced tampon.)

One source tells UsWeekly that Prince William is "not impressed" (read: jealous, because nobody wants to see his shit), and not only is PHG in trouble, but so are his royal guards for not throwing themselves on his naked body when somebody pulled an iPhone out. The Guardian says that Clarence House confirmed that the pictures are of PHG. (Note: That sound is me sighing with relief, because it's been confirmed that I did NOT twist my nipples last night to pictures I thought were of PHG, but were actually grainy pictures of a shaved ginger alley cat humping a Chinese Crested dog in a motel conference room.) The Guardian also says that Clarence House told the British media to respect PHG's privacy by not republishing the pictures. If a British publication publishes any of the pictures, Clarence House might report them to the Press Complaints Commission. As of this morning, the BBC, The Sun and The Daily Mail all wrote about the story, but kept the pictures off of their sites.

Let's set aside all the jokes about how I nearly had to call Sun Jifa with my nose after almost fapping my hands off to those PHG pictures last night. This is a serious matter! PHG should be punished, because he has a duty to represent the British royal family with class, dignity and grace. I've done my research and the official scroll of British royal rules, or whatever, clearly states: Any member of the immediate British royal family (besides Prince Charles, Camilla, The Queen, Prince William, Duchess Kate and anybody else other than Prince Hot Ginge) who gets caught with all of his panties off must immediately be taken to the town square, disrobed and flogged twelve times with a union jack dildo. Those are the rules, so bring on the flagellation! If you read that as "bring on the fagellation," that works too!

Princess Beatrice's 11-year-old Norfolk terrier Max is laid up in the Royal infirmary with a jacked up ear and shank marks on his face, because he was straight jumped by The Queen's gang of not-the-one Corgis. Yeah, go ahead and add "The Queen's Corgis" under the Crips and the Bloods on the list of gangs not to fuck around with.

The Telegraph says that during a walk through The Queen's castle in Scotland, her six Corgis got "overexcited" when Max joined their group and attacked his ass. The Queen's dog boy (not to be confused with Camilla) tried to break those bitches up, but it was too late and Max was left yelping in pain like the time he walked in on Prince Charles fresh out of the shower. Cut to the source:

"The Queen's dog boy was taking the corgis for a walk and they were joined by the Norfolk terriers, which came with Prince Andrew. They were being taken along the long corridor leading to the Tower Door before being let into the grounds for a walk, and they all became overexcited. They began fighting among themselves and unfortunately the dog boy lost control. The next thing we knew there were horrific yelps and screams and it seems the corgis picked on Max. He was very badly injured and had to be taken to the local vet. There was blood everywhere.

The Queen and the Duke were very upset when they were told but the dog is really Beatrice's and she wasn't there either. She later came up to Scotland and has been looking after Max. He was very lucky to survive. I heard the Princess was very upset because another of her Norfolk terriers, Millie, died from natural causes just a week or so before."

Because this source uses the word "overexcited," it sounds like those nasty Corgis got lipstick, tried to get sexy with Max and when Max let them know he doesn't like them like that, they roughed a poor bitch up. And this source needs to stop lying for The Queen, because you know she was there. The Queen is not going to miss a good brawl. She was probably there hollerin' at her Corgis like, "Whoop that trick, ese!"

Poor Max, but I'm sure Princess Bea will defend his honor. Those bitchy Corgis think they got the last bite, but they're wrong. Never mess with a Princess who can leave a bite mark on your face just by flinching at you while flaring her giant Chiclet teeth.

I know, you're just here for the Corgis.

At tonight's Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book.

I haven't finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I'm assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I'm also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England's official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I'm totally right.

I was going to title that picture "Royal Sword Fight," but that's just wrong and I don't want to think that Prince Hot Ginge partakes in waterfront incest.

Queen Elizabeth II's weekend Diamond Jubilee celebrations (aka Hail To The British Thug Misses) continued today in London when the royal family kept with tradition by getting on a boat decorated with Prince Hot Ginge's shellacked pubes (that's what that gold stuff is right?) and waved to their subjects as the Queen dipped into her pocketbook and threw raw diamonds (bought with taxpayer money) at her people. It's the Queen's way of giving back. It's kind of like when you bought your mom's a Mother's Day gift with her money. It's like that. No, she didn't do that, but she did throw them her smile and that's worth so much more than a pile of diamonds.

If you don't know what the Diamond Jubilee is, it's a celebration to mark the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II's reign or some shit. In America, we also have a jubilee celebration to honor our queen. We call it Barry Manilow's birthday.

For today's Jubilee River Pageant (I can't believe that's a real thing that exists) down the Thames, The Queen wore her favorite bedazzled church suit. PHG, Prince William and Prince Phillip wore the finest prince costumes found in Disneyland's costume closet, Camilla wore whothefuckcares and Duchess Kate kept it understated in red. Because nothing says "We all know who these bitches are really here to see!" like head-to-knee red.

So far I'm totally disappointed with this Diamond Jubilee celebration. Diamond Jubilee sounds like the gayest thing ever and it's not living up to its name. When is the event where PHG comes out on stage and shakes his pecs while covered in nothing but body glitter and strategically placed rhinestones (a rhinestone covered peen is not considered indecent for public viewing as long as most of the head is covered)? That better be the highlight of Tuesday's ceremony.