This DOESN'T Belong In A Museum
I don't know if this is some HIGH ART shit that belongs in the Whitney Biennial or just shit.
You better lay your best church outfit on the bed before hitting play, because this mess will make you want to run to Sunday mass to cleanse your eyes and ears in the largest vat of holy water. Tan Mom shat out a video for her song, "It's Tan Mom," and it'll scar all of your senses. After watching the entire thing, my eyeballs broke out into a heat rash, I suffered from temporary heat stroke and all I wanted to do was lie naked in a bath tub full of ice cubes and bleach (which is what I'm sure all of the shameless gays in this mess did after the shoot). I just want to smear aloe vera all over my eyeballs, because it burns. This mess of a video is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like after I've been tanning while getting drunk on peach wine coolers all day.
Let me try to say a few nice things about this wreck.... Putting her face in the sun like the Teletubbies baby was a stroke of artistic genius. Kanye wishes he came up with that. And well, at least Tan Mom lip-synchs better than Brit Brit.
Who needs more than $20, a director and a crew to make a music video? All you need is your parents' garage, a bunch of drugs, a $5 strobe light from Party City, an old camcorder found in a dumpster, a couple of colored light bulbs, a demo version of iMovie and old Fly Girl outfits bought from an In Living Color yard sale.
Vanessa Hudgens stopped shooting Spring Breakers a year ago, but the glow stick fluid still flows through her veins and so she got a bunch of her friends together to make a video for the song $$$ex (Ke$hit will be filing a copyright infringement lawsuit in 3..2..)
One time in the late 90s, I decided to go to a rave sober (pro tip: don't go to a rave sober) and I stayed sober (pro pro tip: don't stay sober at a rave) and being sober around a bunch of high hos whose heads are stuck in rainbow-colored clouds is some weird shit. I spent a full hour watching a bunch of high ravers dry orgasm while their ears were pressed up against a speaker. The bass probably shattered their ear drums a million times over but they loved it. The emotions I felt then while watching them are the same ones I'm feeling now while watching this mess of a video. I'm thinking, do I want what they're having?
When I watched this no budget mess of a shitty video on mute, I kind of liked it. It's like a public access commercial for a 1-900 chat line on acid.
And here's Vanessa Hudgens' twink boyfriend Austin Butler pulling her pants up as she does her worst Lisa Bonet impersonation while walking into The Rolling Stones show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night. Also at The Rolling Stones show last night was The Hoff, Paul Stanley, Nick Simmons, Frasier, Jack Nicholson and Monica Lewinsky. A motley crew of random whores!
Being a multi-millionaire with Olsen money means that Amanda Bynes doesn't have to work a real job and can spend every Adderall-induced waking moment giving her followers nightmares by tweeting videos like the one above and pictures like the ones below. That video must've been directed by Eli Roth, because that is what you would find if you walked into one of the bathrooms at a murder hostel. If the Silent Hill mannequins had heads, wore a blond weave and were obsessed with taking selfies, that's what they would look like. But what's really terrifying and disturbing is that I found myself twerking my shoulders to that German sex club circa 1993 music.
And here's some selfies Amanda Bynes took at the gym. You know, I hope Hatchet Face keeps doing Amanda's makeup, because her chola Groucho Marx brows are actually growing on me.
I've said this a million times before, but I never know what to think of this. Sometimes I think this is all just an elaborate performance art piece and she's secretly auditioning for a role as Jerri Blank's long-lost daughter in the next Strangers with Candy movie (give her the role!). Other times I think she's Britney-ing it all the way. These gym pics confuse me even more, because I don't know if wearing full makeup and fake eyelashes to the gym is an act of insanity or an act of sanity since one should always keep it glamorous.
I don't even know why I asked that question, because nobody's going to get it. Most of you probably had his name dumped from the memory box in your brain centuries ago. The answer is: Ryan Cabrera. The Ryan Cabrera who made songs in the early 2000s, dated Asslee Simpson for a minute and has always had hair like a deep fried porcupine. That Ryan Cabrera.
Yesterday in Crumbs, I linked to a post at ICYDK about Ryan and his electrocuted Gene Simmons hair, but they didn't have pictures of his fugged up Ryan Gosling leg tattoo. Ryan Cabrera showed off his shitastic tattoo at the Hyde Bellagio in Las Vegas last week and talked about it during Lance Bass' show on SiriusXM. Ryan says that he and one of his friends go into a tattoo place together and pick out a tattoo for each other without the other one knowing what it is. They don't see their new tattoo until it's done. Ryan has a unicorn tattoo and a Care Bear tattoo from playing that dumb ass game. Ryan explained it like this (via OMG Yahoo via ONTD):
"Me and my buddy we go in [the tattoo parlor] and he chooses one thing off the wall for me, then I choose one thing for him. You can't see it until after it's done and then we unveil them at the same time. The only rules are that it can't be religious and it can't offend anybody."
Um. Earth to Ryan Cabrera, that Ryan Gosling tattoo is offensive on every level and it's especially offensive to Ryan Gosling. Because that doesn't look like Ryan Gosling. It looks like a hungover, bloated, cross-eyed Lee Pace right before he's about to barf. Well, the good news is that if you're ever going to bone Ryan Cabrera, you have something interesting to stare at when you're doing the reverse cowgirl position.
Courtney Stodden has pulled another Party City wig out of her toy chest and once again showed us that she's either suffering from chronic boredom like a 13-year-old on summer break or she's slowly losing her mind or both! Courtney Stodden's last alter ego, Courtina, looked like a refugee from Donald Trump's harem and she talked like Bjork if Bjork didn't have a tongue. This time, Courtney threw a Paris Jackson wig on her head and dressed up like a freelance day-shift stripper at Fangtasia to play her Emo goth sister Courtland.
Courtland calls Courtney a fame whore and says that Doug Hutchison is a washed-up D-list saggy bald actor. (Well, she got two out of two right.)
I don't even know... Is this some long-running performance art piece and it won't be long before we find out that Marina Abramović and Yoko Ono are her co-mentors? Is Courtney Stodden going to rip her face off to reveal that she's really a Wayans brother and this has all been an elaborate viral marketing campaign for the reboot of In Living Color? Is the Spice Channel making a resurrection and their first show is a porn variety show and this is Courtney's audition tape?
This mess looks straight out of a porn parody of Sybil and I hate Doug and Courtney for making me type the words "porn parody of Sybil." That's not right.
As a special Valentimes Day gift to his fans, which he calls "V's Angels," Vin Diesel posted a video on his Facebook page of him beautifully singing along to RiRi's "Stay" as her video played next to him. Vin Diesel stood in the dark and only let his hands tickle the air a little bit, because he wanted you to focus on taking in the slightly tattered and pitchy musical notes floating out of his singing hole. You can practically picture Vin's waxed and bleached b-hole clench as he hits those high notes. The musical artistry of it all!
Get out of the tub RiRi, because Vin take it from here.
The humanized scab skin torn off of a skater boy's knee named Bam Margera is now getting into the rap game and has a new song out called "Bend My Dick To My Ass" and it's only a matter of time before the RIAA certifies it triple gold condom wrapper. Shooting liquefied human waste into his mouth made Bam a TV and movie star, so he's hoping it'll make him dubstep star too.
In the video for the tuck fuck anthem of our time, Bam and a fellow down river skank dry hump in the back of a car and flash their parts all around Iceland. The true bright spot of the video is at the 2:44 mark when Bam takes a sip of the piss geyser shooting out of his peen hole. (The prolific piss drinker from My Strange Addiction is totally in love.) If you think about it, whatever shoots out of his dick is probably not as disgusting or diseased as the shit that's in his mouth, so if anything, he's cleaning out his filthy trash hole.
And the lyrics to this beautiful song have confirmed that Bam is the most influential poet of our time.
In a coffee shop in heaven somewhere, Robert Frost is writing a 5,000 word poem about how he's disappointed at himself for not coming up with the poetic line "Bend My Dick To My Ass So That I Can Fuck Myself." That's exactly the line that The Road Not Taken needed to make it a real masterpiece. And will somebody please give me Bam Margera's phone number, because I need to beg him to let me use the line "Titty Fuck My Ass Cheeks" as the title of my memoirs. That line is my entire life summed up in five words.
In other Bam news, he was kicked out of a hotel in Brisbane after he ruined the paintings in his room by drunkenly painting over them with a bunch of his piece of trash friends. If the hotel owners saw Bam's music video, they'd understand his art and wouldn't have kicked him out. You can't keep an artist from making art just like you can't keep a Bam Margera from bending his dick to his ass.
When designing her men's fashion line for Opening Ceremony, Yoko Ono obviously found inspiration from style icons Regina George, Michael Lohan and Bruno. If you've got a couple thousand dollars available on your credit card and really want to look like a mental patient in The Fifth Element world (or like a visual representation of Tilda Swinton's thought process), jump over to Opening Ceremony and go crazy.
Yoko Onoshedidnt (I hate myself for typing that) tells Opening Ceremony that in 1969, she sketched a men's fashion line for John Lennon. Yoko wanted to "celebrate John's hot bod" and gave him the sketches as a wedding present. I bet John flipped through all those sketches and secretly wished that he would come across a sketch of a gift receipt so he could return all that shit. 43 years after Yoko gave John the worst wedding gift ever, Opening Ceremony has helped her to bring those sketches to life.
For just $250, you can get a bandeau tube top with light bulbs nipples. I know that top is TOO masculine for some of you ladies, but if you're currently breastfeeding and want to confuse (or shock) the shit out of your baby, wear this. For just $75, you can get a hoodie that Yoko Ono calls the "butt hoodie," but to me it looks more like something that would flop on your forehead during teabag night at the Lemon Party Strip Club. For just $400, you can get a "Ring For Your Mommy" bell board. All of these clothes make me want to ring for my mommy, so that's the one thing I'd buy. There's also a jock strap with LED lights on the peen part and pants that look like they're giving you a prostate exam and a nutsack cancer check.
Yoko Ono is a new kind of crazy, but we already knew that. And the Church of Scientology just found their new staff uniforms.
While most celebrities only tweeted "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo's Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own "Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction" photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her.
You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren't only off in lower Manhattan, they're off in Nana's head too.
Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana's photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters.
And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she's mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I'm sure she'll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America's Next Top Model.
Jason Alexander has that syndicated Seinfeld money, so if he really wanted to he could spend his entire days lounging by his pool with a white wine spritzer in his hand and that poodle's ass he calls a toupee sitting on the chair to next him. That is the life. But I guess Jason wants to stay out there and keep humping that spotlight, because here he is as a coffee barista in a Nickelback (aka THE WORST) video. Yes, George from Seinfeld as a coffee barista in a Nicklefuckingback video. It is such a piece of random shit that you just have to laugh at it for being a piece of random shit.
Brooke Burns from North Shore (yes, I watched North Shore) is in this mess too and she just adds another layer of foolery by giving Jason a latte foam facial and rolling around in a bed of coffee beans. This is what it would look like if one of my favorite videos, The Cars' "You Might Think," took a long bath in coffee sludge and cold shit.
If somebody ever asks you what the initials WTF stand for, just show them this awful wreck. This is WTF's official orientation video.