The CAPTION THIS Contest

Jim at Petco sighed and got out the big gloves. These were the most inflamed dog anal glands he'd ever seen. - upstatestruggler

Runners-up:

The Nelson reunion tour was announced with much fanfare by their new mascot and hair care roadie, Loofa. - zey

Muffy could hear the flat irons sizzling in the background and knew it was just a matter of time before she went from poodle to afghan hound, just like her owners. - MeowMeow

via Splash

Since Kim has only slept with black and white guys, the other colors get together to rejoice. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

Dammit John, I said to bring the rainbow flags... - Esteem

You don't know which one to blame now, Lindsay. - daisy100

The Benetton brand never really recovered from hiring Richard Simmons as their spokesperson. - HamilcarRules

via Poorly Dressed

The Official Replacement Ref Repellent. Burn those bad calls immediately with one quick fart. - misstia

Runners-up:

What happens when sinners try Tebowing. - mahaatma

"That's the last time I order anything off of Taco Bell's Volcano Menu." - i_heart_jack

via Pleated Jeans

Not to be outdone by Tina Fey, Tina Ray shows that she is also a master of the photo bomb. - herroyalflyness

Runners-up:

Awkward moment when you realize the stingray you were talking smack about was behind you the ENTIRE time. - j0ker918

You girls let Joe Francis in the water with you and you're surprised your vaginas detached themselves and sped away like minnows swimming upstream? Well, what the fuck else did you expect to happen?! - cs182

On her 40th birthday, GOOPY kicked off her midlife crisis by forcing her friends to "become one with the Raymond" - Dawn Davenport

via Izismile

Despite repeated warnings, he was completely unprepared for the reality of dating Taylor Swift. - HamilcarRules

Runners-up:

Suri's newest au pair just hates "let's play office" day. - Scott in NYC

For his Birthday Andrew secretly wished to spend the whole day inside a Pink Taco. Unfortunately for him his fairy godmother wasnt hip to urban slang. - Ashton Cruz

June gives in and buys Honey Boo Boo an actual gay guy........Mr. Glitzy .... - fleawatch

via Izismile

Each little piggy can now go VOM VOM VOM all the way home. - stinky

Runners-up:

Not even walking pneumonia would want a pair of these. - Mani6

Birth control that comes in all shapes and sizes! - Half Empty

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe, Jessica Simpson still has a singing career, and Britney Spears is a successful shoe designer. - prommom

via Poorly Dressed

Magic rule #1; Never do the disappearing peanut trick to an elephant. Magic rule #2; Always remember rule #1. - bambam

Runners-up:

"If you put your trunk against my starfish, you can hear the ocean."

-Ryan Lochte - BaconSlut

The first step of Billie Joe Armstrong's rehab was sucking all the bullshit out of him. - zey

Poor Dumbo, the latest ex-Disney whore to hit the skids and turn tricks. - OurMissC

Warning: Check your employee manual to make sure that images involving trunking are okay for workplace viewing before you click over to see the full possibly NSFW version of this mess of a CT picture. GO! 

Water will run for 1 minute at a time, after which you will need to wait 20 minutes to an hour for the next use. - KeshasTitties

Runners-up:

With no other options, Ray J decides to set up shop permanently to give everyone access to golden showers coming from his boomerang dick. - williamsw86

What you can't see in this picture is the statue's wife on the left, screaming for him to put the goddamn lid down. - herroyalflyness

via Izismile

Told he'd be the perfect fit in what was described as "a threesome to end all threesomes," Satan walked in, saw the two of them, narrowed his eyes and said, "Nope. Too much." - MeowMeow

Runners-up:

This fall on Lifetime: Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen in "The Zsa Zsa Gabor Story". In this dramatic clip, Frederic breaks the news to his wife that her leg was amputated six months earlier. - prommom

"You got Herpes on my Syphilis!"

"Well, you got Syphilis on my Herpes!" - Poopele

Birkin, Mac computer, Chanel and Charlie Sheen in bed. Never stop fighting for your dream of living without dignity. God bless! - Deb

OMG is that my career lying dead on the floor, or yours? - crankenstein

via HuffPo

Coming soon to Kmart. The Sandra Lee Collection. - TheWhit

Runners-up:

Ironically, liquor is at this very moment taking out a restraining order. - Callie

Finally, previously heartbroken Randy Travis has found himself a new girlfriend. - Spkheller

Now that it has been officially suspended without pay for three games from playing professional baseball, Yunel Escobar's eye-black has taken to whoring and advertising cheap liquor on the streets to recoup it's losses. - Ashton Cruz

via Poorly Dressed