Theater

Disney's Beauty and the Beast on Broadway will close on July 29, 2007 after 13 years on Broadway. The show would have played 5,464 performances. Beauty and the Beast was the first full-fledged Broadway musical for Disney when it opened in 1994. Disney has since opened The Lion King, Aida (now closed), Tarzan and Mary Poppins.

Beauty is leaving to make way for another Disney schmaltzfest, The Little Mermaid. The underwater tale about a mermaid willing to give up her damn fins in order to eff a human will try out in Denver this Summer before coming to Broadway this November.

My flame level is now through the roof for writing this. Actually it was already through the roof, but now it's touching the hand of Jesus.

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Meryl Streep will star in the feature-film version of the Broadway hit Mamma Mia. The International hit musical uses the songs of ABBA to tell the story of a single mother of a young girl who doesn't know who her father is. The daughter tries to find out who her father is and invites three candidates to her wedding in Greece.

Theater director, Phyllida Lloyd will make her film directing debut. Shooting will begin shortly in London and Greece for a 2008 release.

What's gayer than gay? Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia the movie! I don't even know what to say. Hopefully since Meryl is involved it won't be that bad. She has made bad movies in the past, but she can usually turn a sour movie good.

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It gets worse. Not only are people making a musical version of the Madonna film Desperately Seeking Susan, but they are setting it to the music of Blondie. WTF?! The musical will open next year in the West End of London. Debbie or Deborah Harrry will also write a new song for the musical.

The story centers on Roberta Glass, a bored New Jersey housewife who seeks adventure through her obsession with personal ads and the mysterious Susan, a street-smart East Village drifter. When Roberta suffers a bad case of amnesia, she and Susan unexpectedly swap lives and are plunged into a world of jewel heists, magic shows and rock ‘n' roll. The collision of Roberta and Susan's identities takes them on a wild journey of mystery, self-awareness, and true love—with both women discovering that you never know where your life is going, until something magical happens. The film, written by Leora Barish and directed by Susan Seidelman, marked the big screen debut of Madonna, who played the role of Susan. Rosanna Arquette co-starred as Roberta.

Let's hope they put the nail in the coffin by casting Madonna. I mean...seeing her play 20 would be a revelation. I mean...this is probably going to be so bad it's going to be good. I like to know when they come up with these ideas. Methinks they come up with them after a long night of coke binging and stripper hunting. Desperately Seeking Susan set to Blondie?!? This is the devil's work!

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The 1980 film Xanadu which starred Olivia Newton-John will be coming to Broadway in May 2007. There have been several workshops of the show over the years. The original film was a major flop when it hit theaters, but hopefully it will have better luck onstage.

The story centers on the Greek muses coming to Earth in order to inspire men. One of them calls herself Kira and helps an artist named Sonny build a disco roller-rink. I mean..hot right?

Producers believe that Jane Krakowski of Ally McBeal fame will most likely play Kira when the show hits next year. She took part in a reading this past August.

This is hot, but now I'm going to have that stupid song in my head all day. Yes, Broadway will turn anything into a musical. I'm still waiting on them to turn the story of the mole on my left ass cheek into a stage extravaganza!

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High Fidelity the Musical opened on December 7th on Broadway and it will close the 17th after only 14 performances. This basically makes it a HUGE flop! The musical was based on the novel by Nick Hornby. A film starring John Cusack and Catherine Zeta-Jones was made a few years ago.

High Fidelity starred Will Chase and Jenn Colella in the frisky rock-and-pop-driven tale of a Brooklyn record store owner who can't get his love life together.

The show opened to all negative reviews and wasn't able to sell seats. The musical has will apparently lose all of its $10 million investment.

Hopefully, this will send a message to producers that you can't just turn any popular movie into a rock musical.

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Don Johnson will star as Nathan Detroit in "Guys and Dolls" in London's West End. He will follow a fellow D-lister, Patrick Swayze. He starts performance in January 2007 when Patrick leaves.

Though Johnson is best known for his television work on Miami Vice (for which he won a Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Television Series in 1985) and Nash Bridges, he trained as a stage actor at San Francisco's American Conservatory Theatre. He had his first major role was onstage when he played Smitty in the 1969 Los Angeles production of Fortune and Men's Eyes. He has also had a recording career with his hit single "Heartbeat," the title track of his 1987 debut album that reached Number 5 on the Billboard charts. A second album, Let It Roll, followed in 1989. He also recorded a duet with Barbra Streisand called "Till I Loved You" that was the theme song to the 1987 film Nuts, in which she starred. His film credits include The Hot Spot, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, Paradise, Born Yesterday, Guilty as Sin, In Pursuit of Honor, Tin Cup and Goodbye Lover.

Heartbeat is seriously one of my favorite songs. I hope they somehow add it to the show. That should be Don's encore. God, this is going to suck.

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Edward Scissorhands the dance-musical will make its American debut in San Francisco tonight. Matthew Bourne has reimagined Tim Burton's classic film for the stage. The show was a minor hit in London and producers are hoping to bring it to Broadway.

It is being described as, “Already a hit in London, Edward Scissorhands has toured Asia and the United Kingdom prior to making its North American premiere in San Francisco. A treat for the whole family, this touching and witty gothic fairytale tells the story of a boy created by an eccentric inventor. With only scissors for hands, Edward must find his place in a strange new suburban world where the well-meaning community struggles to see past his appearance to the innocence and gentleness within.”

I know I say this about a lot of things, but this looks like it will go best with a 16 oz. bottle of cheap vodka and some weed. I'm not sure what people are thinking these days, but what the hell? Theater is dead. Some other movie to stage productions in the works or already on board are Legally Blonde, High Fidelity, Heartbreakers, The Little Mermaid and Dirty Dancing.

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Bob Dylan and Twyla Tharp's The Times They are a Changin will close on Broadway after only 28 regular performances. This is a flop kids. The strange musical told the story of a drunken circus ringleader, his woman and a runaway kid. They use the music of Dylan to tell this vapid tale. I went to see it a couple of weeks ago and I can tell you that it's high art. I don't know where they got the circus idea, but they were def on acid when they came up with it. The dancers played clowns and animals. I really thought my brains were freaking out. This will seriously go down as one of the strangest Broadway musicals I've ever seen.

David Hasselhoff will put on a sparkly gown in the Las Vegas production of The Producers. The show will start performances in January of 2007 at the Paris Casino. The Hoff will play the role of Roger DeBris. He has previously starred as the title role in Jekyll and Hyde and Billy Flynn in Chicago, both on Broadway.

Mel Brooks made this statement, "I'm overjoyed that David Hasselhoff is going to play Roger DeBris in the Las Vegas production of The Producers. He has an incredible comedic timing, terrific musical theatre experience and a stage presence that I think will be a perfect marriage with the role. And by the way, he has great legs for that dress."

Tickets prices will rape you at $143.50 a pop! No thanks! Those whores better pay me to see his ass in a damn dress! The sick thing is he’s probably going to love the feel of that silky material. I hope the dresser knows how to get out “Hoff” stains.

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