Theater

Stepford Katie's big Broadway debut in "All My Sons" is already proving to be a big dud. American Express card holders were able to buy tickets to this Lunesta fiesta a few weeks ago, but not many did. Ticket sales sucked then and they suck now. MSNBC's The Scoop reports that ticket sales continue to be disappointing. Or as Tommy Girl would say "ticket sales are GLIB." I know that sentence doesn't make any sense, but don't blame me! Tommy Girl answers everything with the word "GLIB."

Anyrobot, a source said that the show is in danger of closing early. A pr whore for the show denies the rumors, “That information is totally false. There is a healthy advance for the show, and there is no chance of the run being shortened." That's because Tommy Girl ordered his alien subjects to sell this shit out.

The producers have also put a MySpace page for the show and so far they only have one friend. And that one friend is Tom. Not Tommy Girl. Tom from MySpace.

There's a huge reason why nobody really cares about this shit. The marketing department fucked up! Who cares about Stepford Katie?! Her frozen mug should not be on the poster. The poster should feature a picture of a naked Patrick Wilson, covered in baby oil with his hands carefully clutching his "two sons." That's what the theater-going public (aka the gays) wants to see!

Thanks IslandGirl

When they first announced that "Shrek" would be made into a Broadway musical, I kind of rolled my eyes and continued to eat my Lucky Charms Treat. When they announced the entire cast, I still didn't think they would actually go through with hit. Well, they are and here's Brian d'Arcy James in full costume as Shrek. He looks like something I hocked up this morning. It was crunchy too. Should I be concerned?

This d'Arcy James dude better be making bank to get into this boogery mess every night. And sing in it! Although, if I saw him in costume in a dark bar, I'd probably want to get with him. Think of all the things you can do with those two horns! Bump and suck!

The caca fiesta known as "Shrek" opens tomorrow night in Seattle and will come to Broadway this November.

46 years ago, mortals were punished for their many sins by receiving a gift named Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. We are still being punished, because the bitch is still here! He just won't go away. Who knew crazy came in such small packages. Anyway, Tommy Girl will probably celebrate this special day with a game of "Pin the Peen on Tommy's Ass." Instead of doing that, he should really celebrate it by buying thousands of tickets for all his alien friends to his robot wifey's Broadway debut.

Performances for Katie Holmes in "All My Sons" start in September and bitches could care less. According to the NY Post, less than $1 million worth of tickets have been sold. Brokers bought thousands of tickets, thinking the run would sell out within a few days.

Just for the sake of comparision, Nicky Kidman sold $4 million in advance sales when she starred in "The Blue Room" back in 1998. In Katie's defense, Nicky got nekkid in the play. Thankfully, Katie is keeping her robot parts to herself. I don't know about you, but red and blue loose wires do nothing for me.

"All My Sons" also stars John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson.

As the wise Ouiser Boudreaux from Steel Magnolas once said, "I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free." I mean, this shit costs $110! $110 for Katie? NO! $110 for Suri? YES! Producers hired the wrong Cruise.

"Broadway Bitch Fight" is definitely the gayest headline of the day. It's obviously just a super gay way of saying "dance off." Anyway, Mario Lopez and his "A Chorus Line" co-star, Nick Adams, are not getting along. It all started when Mario demanded that his character wear a short-sleeve shirt because he wants to show off his famous AC Slater guns. Mario also demanded that Nick's character cover up his tank top with a frumpy ass hoodie.

The bitch fight didn't stop there. The extra gay panty company, 2(x)ist, originally wanted Mario to star in a new ad campaign, but quickly changed their minds when they saw Nick. A source told Page Six that they were about to offer Mario a contract when they saw Nick. They went with Nick because "he's younger, sexy, more interesting." Nothing is more interesting than AC Slater!

One of the HBICs of 2(x)ist said, "Nick's very masculine, sexy, modern. It's totally all about his body. Mario is a good-looking guy, but Nick had it. He's up and coming, the new face of sexy. He's original. He's hot."

Obviously, these two are just having a lovers quarrel. I'm sure they will suck and make-up over a Bette Davis double feature, a few popper sniffs and a good old-fashioned game of turkey-in-the-hole.

"Brokeback Mountain" is being turned into an opera by New York City Opera. You know, because it's not gay enough. A spokesbitch for the opera house said they have commissioned composer Charles Wuorinen to write an opera based on Annie Proulx's short story. It will premiere in 2013.

Charles Wuorinen issued this statement to Reuters: "Ever since encountering Annie Proulx's extraordinary story I have wanted to make an opera on it, and it gives me great joy that Gerard Mortier and New York City Opera have given me the opportunity to do so."

I'm okay with this as long as they get Placido Domingo and Paul Potts to star. Imagine those two sexy beasts dressed as cowboys and licking up on each other. Raw sex on the stage! They would have to hand out baby wipes and condoms at the door.

"Ugly Betty" is about to get gayer. Like that's even possible. Michael Urie who plays Marc on the show told a British radio station that an "Ugly Betty the Musical" might be in the works sometime soon.

He said, “They do want to do an "Ugly Betty" musical, a full-on Broadway musical, but it’s all hush-hush. I think it would be great, and they should use the cast from the show. I think we would all do it, although we maybe don’t dance and sing as well as professional singers and dancers. I think it would be fun for us to do it for a while, and then they could get real people in. They definitely want to do an episode that is a musical one, but then they want to do a full stage show. I think it’s a great idea. It would definitely work.”

Why did I picture him saying this without taking one breath?

Anyway, this is what happens in the world of show business. They strike gold with a show like UB and then find ways to completely fucking ruin it. The Broadway musical will be followed by a reality show, theme park ride and then a line of ponchos.

Although, if they insist on doing a Broadway musical they should get Jordin Sparks to play Betty. Every time I see Jordin on TV, I immediately confuse her with America Ferrera. They might be the same person.

Source: LA Times

It's official! Katie Holmes will make her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's "All My Sons." She's such a serious actress! The cast will also include John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson. Patrick Wilson better watch his ass, literally. Tommy Girl is coming for it! Patrick is probably the reason Tommy let Katie do the play. His tongue is ready. Barfness.

Theater and dates will be announced shortly.

Playbill.com reports:

All My Sons tells the story of a man who hastily sold defective airplane parts to the Army, which caused the crafts to crash, killing 21 men. His crime, which he long had deflected by blaming his business partner, comes back to light as his son plans to wed the partner's daughter.

Sounds like a 2-hour nap to me! Katie Holmes live on Broadway? One of the animatronic characters at Chuck E. Cheese could probably give a more emotional and earnest performance than she can.

Ugh. This means Tommy Girl is moving to NYC. Great, just what this city doesn't need. More crazies!

Taylor Hicks has been sent to the land of fallen American Idols.....BROADWAY! Taylor Hicks will play Teen Angel in Grease beginning June 6th. Taylor will stay with the show until September.

Taylor told Playbill, "I am incredibly excited to be a part of one of my favorite musicals. The Soul Patrol's gonna invade Broadway!" The Soul Patrol? Not this shit again. I thought the world was finally rid of that mess. Aren't Claymates enough? What do we call David Archuleta fans? The Pedo Crew?

I can't believe dumb bitches think Taylor looks like George Clooney. He might look like Clooney after a few hits of heroin and if you squint your eyes, turn your head upside down and tell yourself over and over again "it's George Clooney, it's George Clooney." Naw. He still won't look like Clooney. Bea Arthur maybe, but not Georgie.

Mario Lopez in "A Chorus Line" on Broadway is the gay gift that keeps on gaying and the shit hasn't opened yet! It opens on Tax Day aka April 15th. Ugh, tax day. GROSS! The IRS should just come get me now.

Anyway, a bunch of photographers were invited to one of his rehearsals today to witness the graceful power of AC Slater!

He should break out this dance during curtain call:

Katie Holmes is reportedly in negotiations to take to the Broadway stage in a revival of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons." "In negotiations" only means that Katie has to ask her alien master.

The Daily Mail reports that she's already agreed to take part in a workshop this May. In the workshop, she will play the part of a woman who visits her former neighbors, the family of a missing pilot she once loved.

Katie told producers that she's "serious about working in the theater." Those dumb dumbs! That was code for "please save me from my husband."

Anybody can be on Broadway nowadays! ANYBODY! If Suri Cruise wanted that part in "All My Sons," she could have it. She would probably be a hell of a lot more interesting.

Please don't do this Katie. Manhattan is not ready for the full-time invasion of TomKat.