You know, I was going to post a video making the rounds (a week fucking later) of gay hater (gayter?) Kirk Cameron farting from his talk hole about what he thinks a woman should do with her body, but Mike Seaver hating on abortion is about as unsurprising as me telling you that last night I undressed a Sourdough Jack before making sweet mouth love to it. So instead of going there with Kirk, let's all remember a happier time when he flared his jazz hands and twinkled from every toe while dancing around with Marie Osmond in a magical land full of gigantic uncut gold dicks. But mostly, I'm posting this to beg Marie Osmond to return her hair to its 80s glory when it was a square-shaped afro mullet of lusciousness. For the love of Tuan Anh, Marie, take your hair back to that place.
Long before the Olsens were wearing black veils made of the frozen nightmares of their victims, they were just little tiny trollings committing acts of accidental racism in family friendly direct-to-DVD movies like To Grandmother's House We Go. You know, full on fuckery aside, where did they get those fried chicken drumsticks? Who knew that the pre-KKK playgroups served fried chicken during snack time. But more importantly, what human being with at least half a working brain cell throws a chewed up drumstick into a dude's money case?! I know some people who will get hit upside the head with a spoon if they bring their grandma a plate of dark meat instead of white meat. And the Olsens think this is okay?!
If you're bold enough to throw a chicken bone into a street performer's money bin, you're strong enough to take an ass whoopin' from said street performer. To quote what a wise homeless man said after my friend handed him a bag of her leftovers: How the FUCK am I supposed to get drunk off of leftovers?
via Best Week Ever (thanks to everybody who sent this mess in)
Crank up the fog machine and strike up the dream harp, because we're going back in time to Madge's infamous 1994 interview with David Letterman where she threw the fuck word around a million times and insinuated that his mic looked like a big black dick. Up until that point, it was the most beautiful thing Madonna has ever done since she graffitied that motherfucker's car in the Borderline video. About two weeks after Madge acted like a for real cunt on Letterman, she sent him the above letter which Letters of Note says is going up for auction next month.
Don't you miss the Madge who hugged every word with a FUCK and had the penmanship of a possibly drunk serial killer? The Madge of today would write this mess in calligraphy, use "bloody" instead of "fucking" and would be dead serious when she signed it "the modern day Christ."
If you want to relive the bitch old days, here's a clip:
And I love that she looks like a goth chola who has slicked back her hair to prepare for a jump in.
Before Russell Brand skyrocketed to the top of the UK's Department of Health most wanted list by screwing anything with a clitoris, he was simply the Mexican kid in high school who sang a Stevie B song at the afternoon talent show and was the only one beside myself who wore a t-shirt in the pool during gym. Correction: I refused to take off my shirt and get into the pool. I always used the "I've got stomach problems... hint hint... diarrhea" excuse.
And yup, I'm guessing we'll all be doing the same thing this weekend: breaking into our old high schools to torch every copy of every yearbook we're in.
In case you've never seen it, here's yet another precious portrait of Anderson Cooper I'm going to print out in black and white and slip into the family album that I bring out whenever somebody comes to visit (note you're making to yourself: don't visit his ass). This is Mah Boo with a butch Colleen Williams haircut in the 90s. And now I can scratch "Mah Boo in a Bugle Boy jeans ad" off my list of "Things I Want To See Mah Boo In."
via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Franny Glass was doing a Getty Images search for "volunteer" pictures when these vintage beauties of a young Amy Poehler as a candy striper popped up. There's something a little evil about the first picture. Amy's smirking at us and practically saying, "Oh, so does it hurt when I turn your oxygen off? Well, that'll teach you to nod 'thank you' when I bring in the flowers from the stepmother who always talks shit about you in the hallway. Don't fuck up again......and feel better."
And if you think this shit is edgy and scandalous, wait until the PG-13 pictures of her as a semi-slutty crossing guard come out.
The Smoking Jacket released these pictures from a bizarre 1999 spread featuring a terrifying clown, a buff dude who just crawled out of a septic tank, Kelly Osbourne (that's not Kelly Osbourne) and the only and only Christina Hendricks! This is what a regular night at Charlie Sheen's house looks like.
Obviously, these pictures were taken long before Christina's magnificent chichis NATURALLY exploded into the 8th world wonder we know them as today. Or maybe they shrunk out of fucking fright at the sight of burnt Oompa Loompa dude's crazy ass leg muscle. Whatever the case may be, don't try to tell me that Christina's titties of today aren't organic. I can't believe that. It would DESTROY me. It would be like the time I found out that the magical wall of dick was just a piece of sheetrock with strange men on the other side of it.
It's Stephen Colbert back when he had a soft helmet of luscious hair that makes you want to call in sick so that you can spend the day running your fingers through it. This is a dude who will paint you a landscape while you knit a pair of nipples cozies with the clumps of silky hair from his brush. This is a dude who will pick you a bouquet of dandelions and daisies outside of the college theater where he's rehearsing an all-male production of The Odd Couple: Female Version (progressive, I know). This is also a dude who won't lose the sparkle in his eyes or the smile in his mouth when he snaps and attacks you with the gold oil lamp he bought you at a flea market last weekend. No, forget that last part. Stephen's got the good kind of crazy in his eyes and not the "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME THIS ONCE!" kind. I think.
My feelings about the work of beauty above are best expressed through this Detective La Toya GIF:
Long before Taylor Momsen was cementing her status as the hardest bitch on the playground by running a Shake and Bake meth lab in the glove compartment of her Barbie car, she was starring in a Shake 'N Bake commercial!
This is a 3-year-old Taylor Momsen shaking away any hope she had for a childhood (her queefs, not mine!) back in 1997. We're not only watching a little girl make a delicious chicken meal that is best served with hot mashed potato flakes, but we're also watching her slowly become the SAD PANDA she is today.