That's the face JLo made when she first saw Skeletor's dehydrated slug peen. It's also the face she's going to make when she's competes in a triathlon next month. Yes, she's actually going through with that shit!
JLo was on "Good Morning America" today where she talked about training for the 22nd Annual Malibu Triathlon. JLo will have to run, swim and bike her way around Malibu. Yeah, fucking right. More like shop, eat and fart her way through Malibu!
JLo said she got the idea while she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins, "It came up when I was eight months pregnant, when I was beached like a whale. I was watching TV, and I saw a triathlon and I said, 'I think I could do that.' ... Maybe we could raise some money and do something really great." JLo will donate any money raised to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles.
She has even started a blog to share her "tips" on training for a triathlon. This bitch must be drinking from Skeletor's stash of virgin blood! JLo offering tips?! Tip #1 is: Get someone else to do it for you!
Seriously, they need to watch this jelly ham from start to finish. She's going to do the old switcheroo! While some dude in a ratty wig and a pillow down his pants does the race, JLo will be in her all-white trailer, getting her make-up done.
There's no way JLo walks more than 50 steps a day on her own, let alone swims, runs and bike rides. Skeletor told Extra that JLo will compete in a triathalon this October. He must be running low on virgin's blood, because he's talking crazy.
Just so we're clear on what a triathalon is, here's Wiki's defintion: "A triathlon is an endurance sports event consisting of swimming, cycling and running over various distances." Yeah, JLo's not doing any of that shit.
Skeletor said, "Jennifer is training for a triathlon, in October. I'm very supportive. I'll be on my Segway (encouraging her)."
He would own a Segway. He probably does his morning job on a Segway. You know those lazy bitches totally have a moving walker that goes from their bed to the shitter.
If this shit is true then JLo should get at least a 30-minute headstart. Bitch has an extra 20 pounds sitting on her ass. It's not fair! But this shit is a bunch of lies. JLo will pay some athletic to bitch to stuff the back of their pants with 3 king size pillows and compete in the triathalon as her. She'll pull a Katie.
It totally makes me happy seeing JLo tied into a fucking dress. I know they do that shit for photo shoots, but I like seeing it on JLo. The stylist should've pranked that bitch by using a busted rope with a note attached that said, "Size 12 dress too small. Had to use rope. Tell this bitch to walk right by the Kraft table." Anyway, JLo left her precious Dragon Tales Twins today to shoot a spread for Elle with Oscar de la Renta. Shoot a spread in a dress that's too small for her ass. Hahaha!
Speaking of the DT Twins, JLo doesn't let them wear anything twice. A source claims that JLo donated some dresses to a charity and also offered them some of her twins' clothes. The source said, "She also offered some of Max and Emme's clothes, telling organizers that she never lets them 'repeat' outfits. But the auction deals only in adult clothes. Jennifer told them it was a shame, as some items cost over $1,000 each."
That source got it all wrong. JLo really said that her twins only have one outfit, but if the charity would pay enough for them, she'd gladly give em up. Babies don't need to wear clothes. She'll just wrap them up in one of her gorilla furs.
It was rumored that JLo and Skeletor didn't have a nanny for the Dragon Tales Twins. We all simultaneously rolled our eyes at that one. JLo doesn't even change her own husband's diapers, why would she change her baby's diapers?!
JLo and Skeletor have already went through two nannies and the DT Twins aren't even a year old. The National Enquirer (via MSNBC) reports that JLo treats her nannies like slaves, making them work over 16 hours a day. A source said that their second nanny recently quit that bitch without giving any notice.
The source said, “Normally people who make huge sums of money and have loads of professional and social obligations hire a nanny for each child, especially for newborns. But it is as if Jennifer expects one nanny not only to take care of both twins, but to work 16-hour days, seven days a week!” Their first nanny only lasted a week.
JLo is having trouble finding another nanny even though she's willing to cough up $2,250 a week. Okay, that sounds like a lot of money, but you have to work 16-hours a day and also deal with Skeletor always trying to suck your blood. And JLo would probably make you do shit that isn't in your job description, like emptying out her backyard fur traps.
It's nice to see that motherhood hasn't completely taken the cunt bitch out of JLo. That would be a pity. JLo was shopping at the Catherine Malandrino store on Manhasset's Miracle Mile when she demanded that they shut down the entire store for her. The store denied her chunky chunk ass, but that didn't stop JLo from making more demands.
A source told Page Six, "Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing."
JLo needs one armed guard to protect each ass cheek. You know, if I was a salesgirl and JLo's cloud of make-up and mink lashes waltzed in, I would expect her to give me the bitch treatment. I would be disappointed if she didn't give me at least three evil side-eyes and call me a "pinche pendejo" at least once.
Oh and you know the Dragon Tales twins are going to run away once they figure out how to make an escape ladder out of their rabbit fur baby blankets.
Woe is JLo. All she wants in the world is to be a good mother to her Dragon Tales Twins. Well, that and she really wants a castle made out of diamonds, bronzer and animal fur. Anyway, a source told Closer Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that JLo thinks nothing she does is good enough for her twinsies.
The source said, "Jennifer wants to be the perfect mother, but she crumbles if any normal little thing goes wrong. If the twins cry, she thinks it's because she's a bad mom, and bursts into tears herself. Marc had to sit her down and make her understand that she's a good mom and it's normal for babies to cry."
In JLo's defense, the DT Twins are probably only bursting into tears when Skeletor is around because they think he's going to devour their souls.
And PLEASE! Who the hell is this source?! They really want us to believe that JLo cries and also that she spends time with the DT Twins? The pr bitch she hired to make her look like mother of the year (No offense, White Oprah) is working overtime. From the picture above to the story about how she fired her nannies to this story! That pr bitch deserves a gold star.
The "source" goes on to say, "Marc is concerned that she's not eating properly or sleeping because she's obsessed with looking after the twins. If she leaves them with her own mother for a couple of hours to have some time off, she beats herself up about it and feels guilty. Marc has forced Jen to take some time off and have a massage to unwind, but she even struggled to relax during that. He wants her to stop worrying abut the kind of mother she's being and just enjoy it."
The laughs never end! I can't wait to hear the story about how JLo changes diapers. I mean, she doesn't even change Skeletor's diaper! Why would she change the diapers of her own baby?!
Call Supernanny! It's an emergency. JLo and Skeletor's nanny reportedly "abruptly left" in mid-April. I really hope nanny looked JLo square in the mink eyelashes and said, "I quit this bitch!" That's really the only way to leave a job.
Usweekly (via The Scoop) reports that JLo has not hired another nanny, because she plans to raise the twins herself. Cut to a scene of the DT twins hanging from the chandeliers while JLo gets her 10th ass massage of the day.
A source told the mag, "They both told their managers that the next year would be all about family.”
JLo taking a year off?! Did Pop Fiction get renewed, because this shit is obviously a joke.
JLo always has to look like she's going to deep throat the damn camera when we know very well the bitch doesn't do that sort of thing! Skeletor and JLo don't fuck. She got pregnant with the help of a diamond encrusted turkey baster. Only the best for her vag. JLo and Skeletor left the Dragon Tales twins at home last night to attend Christian Dior Cruise collection in NYC.
Don't get on JLo for wearing fur! That was a gift from Skeletor. He brought it back after a night of virgin blood hunting. Since she never wears anything twice, she's going to have the fur turned into a pair of onesies for her twins. That's if the poor fur didn't get covered in her 80lbs of pancake make-up before the night was over. Does the woman apply her make-up with a slingshot? That shit is thick.
Wireimage, Wenn, Splashnewsonline.com
Skeletor looks like death! Well, more than usual. He looks like he could use an order of hamburger fries and a blood transfusion. He should bite on JLo's ass. I'm sure there's plenty of protein in there.
JLo told UsWeekly at that Costume thingey last night that her twins are "fantastic!" Hobag please. You know that bitch hasn't seen them since their $6 million photo shoot. The reporter should have asked her what their names are. She totally would have said, "Uh...uh...Dragon Tales twins?" Bingo!
Here's more of these skanks last night. I also threw in some Beyonce who looks like she's sucking in a baby bump. Spanx should really come out with a line of "baby bump concealers" for celebrities.
File this under: One step closer to being a has-been! JLo will star, co-create and co-executive produce a reality show for TLC. The show will follow JLo as she juggles her career and motherhood. The show is currently in production and no air-date has been announced. TLC is calling it a “docu-series," but that's just fancy talk for "bitch is no better than any other reality show trick." This means Hottie from Flavor of Love and JLo are on the same level now.
JLo said, “I am excited to be part of the TLC family. I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." She forgot to mention, "Hahaha! I'm getting paid a shit load too. I'm rich and you're not! EAT THAT!"
I was excited about this for a quick minute, but then I realized that there's no way JLo is going to let the truth be revealed. This shit is going to be scripted, majorly edited, de-bitched and she's probably bringing in actors too. Antonio Sabata Jr. is going to play Skeletor and the cartoon Dragon Tales kids will play her twins.
This mess will make "The Hills" look like an episode of "Cops." Seriously, you can't get more real than Cops and don't tell me that shit is fake. I couldn't take it.
With all that being said, I will be watching this.