JLo

Everyone was smiling at the Fashion Group's 25th Annual Night of Stars yesterday and trying not to think about the fact that Allegra Versace is the size of one of JLo's pinky toes. Now, Allegra has had many, many, many, many problems with ze food in the past and it looks like she still does. So what does her mommy Donatella do about it? She puts her in a dress and takes her to a party! To be fair, I don't think Donatella can see that well, given the fact that her massive swollen roid lips probably block her vision every now and again.

Here's a few more of JLo, Skele.....I mean...Marc Anthony, Allegra and Donatella last night. I can't call him Skeletor when he's standing next to Allegra. He's a larditor compared to her. And JLo's still making those "I'm so sexy" faces. They look more like "I'm sooo sweeepy" or "I'm soooo constipatedy" faces.

Triathlon champion and NON-Scientologist JLO renewed her wedding vows with Skeletor this past weekend in Las Vegas. UsWeekly reports that it was a joint ceremony with their friends Mets player Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. The dumb ceremony took place in the penthouse at Caesars Palace at around 3:30am.

JLo and her virgin-blood drinking husband have only been married 4 years. Yes, 4 years and they're already renewing their vows. They're probably as shocked as we are that they've actually lasted 4 years.

A source said that the romantic evening (eye roll and then barf) started out at dinner. The couples then went to see the Pussycat Dolls show at Pure. While there, Skeletor started asking around for a minister. A zombie asking for a minister! There's a joke in there somewhere.

A minister was found and the ceremonies took place shortly after 3 in the morning. A source said, "It was very intimate and sweet. They both talked about how much they love each other. The word 'forever' was used a lot!"

The word "forever" in Hollywood-talk means 2-5 years maximum.

JLo's parents weren't at the ceremony because they were because taking care of the Dragon Tales Twins. Remember them? I'm sure you do, but JLo doesn't.

I don't know if they were high on drugs or booze, but I do know that they are constantly high on famewhoring. That shit is worse than crack. And JLo's massive ego was also involved. A massive ego and an addiction to famewhoring causes you to do shit like this for a little cheap publicity.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, JLo (ironic, right?) talks about and defends Scientology, but denies being a member. Her daddy and a bunch of her friends including Leah Remini are card carrying members of Tommy Girl's band of alien crazies.

JLo said, “I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.” When asked if she's an alien worshipper, she said, “No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”

And would JLo ever consider putting her Dragon Tales Twins in Scientology school? “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

JLo, it's okay. Have Tommy Girl call Oprah, so that you can go on her show, jump on her couch and finally tell the world that you love barley water and aliens. It's fine.

You know how else I can tell she's a Scientologist? She's starting to get a little frumpy in the hair. That's one of the first things to go! Look at Katie Holmes. She had cute hair until she hooked up with Tommy Girl. Now her weepy mop looks like it could use a huge shot of Prozac. But that will never happen....

Visit The Daily Beast to read the rest of JLo's interview. She talks about her nervous breakdown, selling her baby pictures for $6 million and once again tries to convince us that she's still just Jenny from the Block.

And here's a few pictures of JLo with old lady hair and a memaw dress at an event for Elle Magazine in Los Angeles last night.

When JLo pulls out her "sexy and intense" face, she ends up looking like she's holding the biggest queef in history. A coochie bubble so big that her ass cheeks and vagina lips have to work together to keep it in. JLo has to open up her mouth just a bit to release a little pressure. Of course, that's just what her face looks like when she tries to look all lusty and shit. We all know that JLo doesn't fart or queef. Gas from her body is released when she fucking talks.

JLo was at Macy's in NYC today to whore out her cologne for men which I'm sure will only be loved by guidos and their admirers. And it's obvious that she must have pissed off her hair gay and her make-up bitch today.

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo's veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here's more of JLo wearing one of Liberace's old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he's been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.

Triathlon champion and injured foot faker JLo tells People that she spends every free moment with her beloved Dragon Tales Twins. JLo said that she recently hired a nanny, so that she can have a little time to herself. HA!

She said: "I did it for a long time but we started using a nanny a few weeks ago. Most days I get up early with them. Then when the nanny comes, I can take a shower and give them their breakfast. She's there to help me get things done." JLo only leaves them to go to work. "I try to spend every free moment with the babies."

It must be wonderful to be JLo. You lay around on your rabbit comforter, taking in the sweet scent from $100 candles while telling a bunch of bullshit lies as though it was the truth.

JLo went on to talk about the magical mornings she spends with her newborns: "When they see you and have that big smile on their face – I live for that. And when I put them to bed at night and they melt in your arms. I give them a bottle and wind it down. I say, 'It's time for beddy-bye.' I hold them and sing a little song. By the time you know it, they are asleep."

This quote came right out of a Disney movie, right? In her mind, JLo is fucking Donna Reed. She probably has a writer on staff who feeds her all of these nauseating quotes.

Below is JLo shopping in St. Tropez yesterday. Before you say anything, shopping is not considered "free time" to JLo! It's part of the job description of a self-centered, delusional, Hollywood hobag!

JLo was supposed to be the final guest judge on "Project Runway," but she hurt her foot and couldn't make the runway show today. Hey, don't laugh! It must be hard on her poor feetsies having to carry around that four-ton ego every single day. One of her feet finally cried "mercy" and gave in.

She really doesn't need the use of her stupid feet to sit there and judge a fashion contest. Skeletor could've put her ass on a dolly and wheeled her in. It's not like the bitch walks around anyway. Even if her hoof wasn't jacked up, she would've been carried in. I guess this means JLo's not going to compete in a triathlon this weekend. How fucking convenient. She's going to make the Dragon Tales Twins compete in her place.

Tim Gunn replaced JLo as the finale judge. He's better than her ass anyway. Nobody cares about fashion more than Tim Gun! I mean, when he's looking at a dress, he always puts his hand on his chin. That shows that he cares and is really thinking this shit through!

Project Rungay has pictures from the entire show. All six remaining designers showed collections, so there isn't any major spoilers on who the finalists are. I'm totally rooting for that grouchy ass Korto! Have you ever seen her crack a smile? She's my kind!

Posh Beckham listened to my cries and pleas (not really) and finally chopped off that guinea pig mop that was sitting on her femalien head for so long! I'm sipping my Sanka while trying to decide what I think of it. It sort of looks like one of her boys cut her hair with his safety scissors. I'm expecting her to shout, "Second star to the right and straight on till morning!"

Now, let's take bets on how long it takes for Katie Holmes' to copy Posh's new twink bottom haircut. Synchronize your watches! I'm going to guess 30 days. It takes Stepford Katie a while to catch up. Her hardrive isn't the fastest.

Here's Posh looking even more like a twink robot alien at the Marc Jacobs show last night with JLo. Do you think Posh ever stops posing? Pose! Pose! Pose! I bet she poses while taking a poo.

Speaking of taking a poo, JLo needs to stop making "sultry faces." She looks like she's trying to pinch off a loaf. I swear, how can these bitches stand themselves?! Even Mango doesn't pose this much!

JLo queefs about being knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins in the October issue of Elle magazine. JLo said that she was "selfish" for the first time in her whole fucking life while she was pregnant. Yeah, this shit is going to write itself.

JLo spent the first part of her pregnancy on tour with Skeletor. When the tour ended she was ready to be taken care of. She said: "I said, 'I did the superwoman thing, I finished the tour – now I need you to take care of me. I love doing things for you; if I'm not cooking, then I'm picking out a shirt. But this is the first time in my life where I'm just going to be a little bit selfish. I don’t know if I'm going to have kids again, so I want it to be a beautiful experience. I don't want to have any drama. I want to just be smiling every day.'"

Who wrote that shit for her? Danielle Steele? Seriously, how were these fake words able to pass through her lips? This is straight up fuckery.

She went on to spew even more cheese about the moment she found out about her pregnancy: "I was sitting down doing hair and makeup and I felt a flutter. The weirdest little ... flourish. My makeup artist said 'What’s the matter?' I didn’t say anything, but in my head, I was like, I have life inside me!”

The only thing missing from this shit is a Celine Dion song playing in the background. JLo, stop hitting me in the mouth with your 12-inch dildo! I'm not going to suck it!

And to stop off this queso fiesta, JLo confessed that she had some nude pictures taken of herself two weeks before she gave birth. "I was like, How am I going to rock this moment of my life?... I felt very womanly. Marc was in a dream. He loved it."

Marc was in a nightmare, not a dream. And by the power of Chicken Cutlets, may these nekkid pictures of a knocked up JLo never see the light outside of her boudoir. Never!

Here's a few more pictures of JLo with Michael Kors, Georgina Chapman and Donatella Versace. Donatella kind of looks like Skeletor with a dime store wig.

The bitch who is in charge of keeping JLo's steaming pits dry better be hiding out this morning. When JLo sees these pictures, she's going to demote his ass to Skeletor's catheter cleaner and that isn't a pretty job.

Here's sweaty JLo with J.R. Ewing and some other bitches at the Democratic National Convention yesterday. She probably spoke about the important topic of: "How can this country make JLo more money?"