JLo

Triathlon champion and injured foot faker JLo tells People that she spends every free moment with her beloved Dragon Tales Twins. JLo said that she recently hired a nanny, so that she can have a little time to herself. HA!

She said: "I did it for a long time but we started using a nanny a few weeks ago. Most days I get up early with them. Then when the nanny comes, I can take a shower and give them their breakfast. She's there to help me get things done." JLo only leaves them to go to work. "I try to spend every free moment with the babies."

It must be wonderful to be JLo. You lay around on your rabbit comforter, taking in the sweet scent from $100 candles while telling a bunch of bullshit lies as though it was the truth.

JLo went on to talk about the magical mornings she spends with her newborns: "When they see you and have that big smile on their face – I live for that. And when I put them to bed at night and they melt in your arms. I give them a bottle and wind it down. I say, 'It's time for beddy-bye.' I hold them and sing a little song. By the time you know it, they are asleep."

This quote came right out of a Disney movie, right? In her mind, JLo is fucking Donna Reed. She probably has a writer on staff who feeds her all of these nauseating quotes.

Below is JLo shopping in St. Tropez yesterday. Before you say anything, shopping is not considered "free time" to JLo! It's part of the job description of a self-centered, delusional, Hollywood hobag!

JLo was supposed to be the final guest judge on "Project Runway," but she hurt her foot and couldn't make the runway show today. Hey, don't laugh! It must be hard on her poor feetsies having to carry around that four-ton ego every single day. One of her feet finally cried "mercy" and gave in.

She really doesn't need the use of her stupid feet to sit there and judge a fashion contest. Skeletor could've put her ass on a dolly and wheeled her in. It's not like the bitch walks around anyway. Even if her hoof wasn't jacked up, she would've been carried in. I guess this means JLo's not going to compete in a triathlon this weekend. How fucking convenient. She's going to make the Dragon Tales Twins compete in her place.

Tim Gunn replaced JLo as the finale judge. He's better than her ass anyway. Nobody cares about fashion more than Tim Gun! I mean, when he's looking at a dress, he always puts his hand on his chin. That shows that he cares and is really thinking this shit through!

Project Rungay has pictures from the entire show. All six remaining designers showed collections, so there isn't any major spoilers on who the finalists are. I'm totally rooting for that grouchy ass Korto! Have you ever seen her crack a smile? She's my kind!

Posh Beckham listened to my cries and pleas (not really) and finally chopped off that guinea pig mop that was sitting on her femalien head for so long! I'm sipping my Sanka while trying to decide what I think of it. It sort of looks like one of her boys cut her hair with his safety scissors. I'm expecting her to shout, "Second star to the right and straight on till morning!"

Now, let's take bets on how long it takes for Katie Holmes' to copy Posh's new twink bottom haircut. Synchronize your watches! I'm going to guess 30 days. It takes Stepford Katie a while to catch up. Her hardrive isn't the fastest.

Here's Posh looking even more like a twink robot alien at the Marc Jacobs show last night with JLo. Do you think Posh ever stops posing? Pose! Pose! Pose! I bet she poses while taking a poo.

Speaking of taking a poo, JLo needs to stop making "sultry faces." She looks like she's trying to pinch off a loaf. I swear, how can these bitches stand themselves?! Even Mango doesn't pose this much!

JLo queefs about being knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins in the October issue of Elle magazine. JLo said that she was "selfish" for the first time in her whole fucking life while she was pregnant. Yeah, this shit is going to write itself.

JLo spent the first part of her pregnancy on tour with Skeletor. When the tour ended she was ready to be taken care of. She said: "I said, 'I did the superwoman thing, I finished the tour – now I need you to take care of me. I love doing things for you; if I'm not cooking, then I'm picking out a shirt. But this is the first time in my life where I'm just going to be a little bit selfish. I don’t know if I'm going to have kids again, so I want it to be a beautiful experience. I don't want to have any drama. I want to just be smiling every day.'"

Who wrote that shit for her? Danielle Steele? Seriously, how were these fake words able to pass through her lips? This is straight up fuckery.

She went on to spew even more cheese about the moment she found out about her pregnancy: "I was sitting down doing hair and makeup and I felt a flutter. The weirdest little ... flourish. My makeup artist said 'What’s the matter?' I didn’t say anything, but in my head, I was like, I have life inside me!”

The only thing missing from this shit is a Celine Dion song playing in the background. JLo, stop hitting me in the mouth with your 12-inch dildo! I'm not going to suck it!

And to stop off this queso fiesta, JLo confessed that she had some nude pictures taken of herself two weeks before she gave birth. "I was like, How am I going to rock this moment of my life?... I felt very womanly. Marc was in a dream. He loved it."

Marc was in a nightmare, not a dream. And by the power of Chicken Cutlets, may these nekkid pictures of a knocked up JLo never see the light outside of her boudoir. Never!

Here's a few more pictures of JLo with Michael Kors, Georgina Chapman and Donatella Versace. Donatella kind of looks like Skeletor with a dime store wig.

The bitch who is in charge of keeping JLo's steaming pits dry better be hiding out this morning. When JLo sees these pictures, she's going to demote his ass to Skeletor's catheter cleaner and that isn't a pretty job.

Here's sweaty JLo with J.R. Ewing and some other bitches at the Democratic National Convention yesterday. She probably spoke about the important topic of: "How can this country make JLo more money?"

That's the face JLo made when she first saw Skeletor's dehydrated slug peen. It's also the face she's going to make when she's competes in a triathlon next month. Yes, she's actually going through with that shit!

JLo was on "Good Morning America" today where she talked about training for the 22nd Annual Malibu Triathlon. JLo will have to run, swim and bike her way around Malibu. Yeah, fucking right. More like shop, eat and fart her way through Malibu!

JLo said she got the idea while she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins, "It came up when I was eight months pregnant, when I was beached like a whale. I was watching TV, and I saw a triathlon and I said, 'I think I could do that.' ... Maybe we could raise some money and do something really great." JLo will donate any money raised to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles.

She has even started a blog to share her "tips" on training for a triathlon. This bitch must be drinking from Skeletor's stash of virgin blood! JLo offering tips?! Tip #1 is: Get someone else to do it for you!

Seriously, they need to watch this jelly ham from start to finish. She's going to do the old switcheroo! While some dude in a ratty wig and a pillow down his pants does the race, JLo will be in her all-white trailer, getting her make-up done.

There's no way JLo walks more than 50 steps a day on her own, let alone swims, runs and bike rides. Skeletor told Extra that JLo will compete in a triathalon this October. He must be running low on virgin's blood, because he's talking crazy.

Just so we're clear on what a triathalon is, here's Wiki's defintion: "A triathlon is an endurance sports event consisting of swimming, cycling and running over various distances." Yeah, JLo's not doing any of that shit.

Skeletor said, "Jennifer is training for a triathlon, in October. I'm very supportive. I'll be on my Segway (encouraging her)."

He would own a Segway. He probably does his morning job on a Segway. You know those lazy bitches totally have a moving walker that goes from their bed to the shitter.

If this shit is true then JLo should get at least a 30-minute headstart. Bitch has an extra 20 pounds sitting on her ass. It's not fair! But this shit is a bunch of lies. JLo will pay some athletic to bitch to stuff the back of their pants with 3 king size pillows and compete in the triathalon as her. She'll pull a Katie.

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It totally makes me happy seeing JLo tied into a fucking dress. I know they do that shit for photo shoots, but I like seeing it on JLo. The stylist should've pranked that bitch by using a busted rope with a note attached that said, "Size 12 dress too small. Had to use rope. Tell this bitch to walk right by the Kraft table." Anyway, JLo left her precious Dragon Tales Twins today to shoot a spread for Elle with Oscar de la Renta. Shoot a spread in a dress that's too small for her ass. Hahaha!

Speaking of the DT Twins, JLo doesn't let them wear anything twice. A source claims that JLo donated some dresses to a charity and also offered them some of her twins' clothes. The source said, "She also offered some of Max and Emme's clothes, telling organizers that she never lets them 'repeat' outfits. But the auction deals only in adult clothes. Jennifer told them it was a shame, as some items cost over $1,000 each."

That source got it all wrong. JLo really said that her twins only have one outfit, but if the charity would pay enough for them, she'd gladly give em up. Babies don't need to wear clothes. She'll just wrap them up in one of her gorilla furs.

It was rumored that JLo and Skeletor didn't have a nanny for the Dragon Tales Twins. We all simultaneously rolled our eyes at that one. JLo doesn't even change her own husband's diapers, why would she change her baby's diapers?!

JLo and Skeletor have already went through two nannies and the DT Twins aren't even a year old. The National Enquirer (via MSNBC) reports that JLo treats her nannies like slaves, making them work over 16 hours a day. A source said that their second nanny recently quit that bitch without giving any notice.

The source said, “Normally people who make huge sums of money and have loads of professional and social obligations hire a nanny for each child, especially for newborns. But it is as if Jennifer expects one nanny not only to take care of both twins, but to work 16-hour days, seven days a week!” Their first nanny only lasted a week.

JLo is having trouble finding another nanny even though she's willing to cough up $2,250 a week. Okay, that sounds like a lot of money, but you have to work 16-hours a day and also deal with Skeletor always trying to suck your blood. And JLo would probably make you do shit that isn't in your job description, like emptying out her backyard fur traps.

It's nice to see that motherhood hasn't completely taken the cunt bitch out of JLo. That would be a pity. JLo was shopping at the Catherine Malandrino store on Manhasset's Miracle Mile when she demanded that they shut down the entire store for her. The store denied her chunky chunk ass, but that didn't stop JLo from making more demands.

A source told Page Six, "Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing."

JLo needs one armed guard to protect each ass cheek. You know, if I was a salesgirl and JLo's cloud of make-up and mink lashes waltzed in, I would expect her to give me the bitch treatment. I would be disappointed if she didn't give me at least three evil side-eyes and call me a "pinche pendejo" at least once.

Oh and you know the Dragon Tales twins are going to run away once they figure out how to make an escape ladder out of their rabbit fur baby blankets.