JLo

A couple of months ago there was a rumor that gay ass JLo and the keeper to the underworld Skeletor would sing a farewell duet to their marriage on Valentine's Day at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Well, that shit never happened. Instead, JLo and Skeletor dragged the Dragon Twins on stage to show everyone what a big happy fucking family they are. I think the whole audience turned to stone when the BABIES!! came out. I mean, they pretty much look like Skeletor in baby form. Except they each weigh more than his ass. This is some SKELETOR ANTHONY'S shit. Yeah, that didn't work, but I to give a shot.

The Dragon Tales twins look confused, because they have no idea who those people are holding them.

After the concert, JLo and Skeletor went our to dinner. Well, she ate the menu and he snacked from a bag of children's nails he always keeps with him.

JLo's looking a little swollen in the baby housing area. It's probably nothing. Her ego has just settled in her belly. It's trying to escape through her poon. Even it doesn't want to be around her fake ass.

And let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence to honor the dead pigeons on JLo's nasty ass heels.

JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes on Sunday because it got stuck up her ass when she tried to get that stick out. No, the mega bitch says it just didn't go with her dress. She told InTouch (via NYDN), "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress."

Many things didn't go with that dress. Like a vagina for one, because that shit belonged on a drag queen. And Skeletor really didn't go with that dress, because the only thing he looks good with is a crypt.

JLo didn't wear that tacky piece of trash because she knew everyone would be talking about it and the ho needs to see herself on the cover of tabloids. It makes her feel relevant. And here I am doing exactly what she wants. That bitch!

Now this is what I expect from a JLo divorce announcement! Some fucking drama. Gatecrasher says that on this coming Valentine Day's, JLo will join Skeletor onstage at Madison Square Garden in NYC where they will sing a farewell duet together and announce their divorce to everyone. That's if anyone is still in the audience. When JLo takes the stage to sing live, I'm sure thousands of bitches will either run for the door or find a sharp object to stab at their ears with.

JLo and Skeletor announced she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales Twins at one of their concerts in Miami, so she feels this is a fitting way to announce that their marriage is worm meat. A friend of JLo's said, “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet." Um. It will be all bitter and no sweet since JLo is planning to sing live. The woman has a voice like a chihuahua after debarking surgery.

I know Wanda Sykes doesn't want me to call things "gay", but this shit is gayer than gay! JLo and Skeletor announcing their divorce through song?! I believe it, because this is definitely something gay ass JLo would do. Bitch thinks she's in some goddamn Rodgers & Hammerstein musical.

Not only will JLo sing a farewell song to Skeletor, but she will also be singing a farewell song to relevance.

JLo is not above having a "smell yo dick" moment with Skeletor, but she sends her slaves (aka cousins) to do her dirty work instead. JLo apparently likes to keep close tabs on her bag of chewed up bones, so she sent her assistant to look after Skeletor while he was on tour. JLo couldn't be bothered by going, because she was too busy yelling at the Dragon Tales Twins' nannies and rolling around in mounds of bronzer. You know she does that.

A source told Page Six, "She wanted reports back so he didn't cheat on her."

JLo has something to worry about, because I have a cousin who says she would totally let Skeletor wet hump her. Gross and gross. The bitch obviously has a strange fetish for shriveled up insect men with Twilight Zone faces. Whatever makes your chocha holler, I guess. I don't get it. She also says that "White Shoulders" is her signature scent, so it makes sense that she'd want to ride Skeletor's brittle bone.

And Skeletor's dick probably always smells boiled cow bones with just a slight touch of Old Spice.

On the this week's cover of UsWeekly, JLo and Skeletor's marriage is about to become worm meat. JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to some movie premiere the other day and sources say it's her way of telling everyone her marriage is going through some shit. NO! It's her way of getting on the fucking cover of UsWeekly! And that's the troof!

Let's run down all the reasons why UsWeekly thinks this magical union between a wet turd and a Ziploc bag of brittle bones isn't working out.

Skeletor's creepy controlling ways drive her to tears: "He's very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren't as short. You don't see so much of that booty anymore."

Okay, everyone gets creeped out by Skeletor, because he is the epitome of creepy! JLo probably has a coronary every time she wakes up to his Crypt Keeper face. They can't keep living plants in the house, because they wilt when Skeletor walks by. And you would cry too if you were JLo and you were married to THAT!

JLo blames Skeletor for the bowl of diarrhea she calls her career: "Jennifer looked around and said, 'This is my life now? I'm a Long Island housewife?' She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes."

Um. No. Skeletor is not to blame. Gigli is. And by "Gigli" I mean that whole gross Ben Affleck moment. And I would love being a Long Island housewife! I mean, three glasses of Asti for lunch, long fake nails with holiday scenes on them and hair that can't even fit through the door. I need to be a LI housewife now!

Skeletor has been flirting with other hos: "One night after their tense family Thanksgiving in which the couple 'didn't sit together,' Anthony hit NYC hotspots Bungalow 8 and Marquee, where he was spotted with his hand on a woman's thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women, 'telling them, 'She's making me miserable.'

"Again, she's JLo. Her job is to make everyone miserable. Besides, Skeletor wasn't flirting with them. He was just finding out if they were virgins, because he was jonesing for some pure blood.

There's a bunch of other shit in this article, but basically I think there's no way these two are splitting up. Now is not the time. She has nothing to promote! Do you think JLo is going to let a publicity bomb like a divorce drop when she doesn't have a thing to sell? That is not like JLo. Believe me, we'll know when this marriage gets buried. JLo will be on the cover of OK! or some shit with the headline "I Can't Be Married To No Corpse Anymore!"

And here's JLo and Skeletor acting like a happily married couple while going to dinner last night.

Everyone was smiling at the Fashion Group's 25th Annual Night of Stars yesterday and trying not to think about the fact that Allegra Versace is the size of one of JLo's pinky toes. Now, Allegra has had many, many, many, many problems with ze food in the past and it looks like she still does. So what does her mommy Donatella do about it? She puts her in a dress and takes her to a party! To be fair, I don't think Donatella can see that well, given the fact that her massive swollen roid lips probably block her vision every now and again.

Here's a few more of JLo, Skele.....I mean...Marc Anthony, Allegra and Donatella last night. I can't call him Skeletor when he's standing next to Allegra. He's a larditor compared to her. And JLo's still making those "I'm so sexy" faces. They look more like "I'm sooo sweeepy" or "I'm soooo constipatedy" faces.

Triathlon champion and NON-Scientologist JLO renewed her wedding vows with Skeletor this past weekend in Las Vegas. UsWeekly reports that it was a joint ceremony with their friends Mets player Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. The dumb ceremony took place in the penthouse at Caesars Palace at around 3:30am.

JLo and her virgin-blood drinking husband have only been married 4 years. Yes, 4 years and they're already renewing their vows. They're probably as shocked as we are that they've actually lasted 4 years.

A source said that the romantic evening (eye roll and then barf) started out at dinner. The couples then went to see the Pussycat Dolls show at Pure. While there, Skeletor started asking around for a minister. A zombie asking for a minister! There's a joke in there somewhere.

A minister was found and the ceremonies took place shortly after 3 in the morning. A source said, "It was very intimate and sweet. They both talked about how much they love each other. The word 'forever' was used a lot!"

The word "forever" in Hollywood-talk means 2-5 years maximum.

JLo's parents weren't at the ceremony because they were because taking care of the Dragon Tales Twins. Remember them? I'm sure you do, but JLo doesn't.

I don't know if they were high on drugs or booze, but I do know that they are constantly high on famewhoring. That shit is worse than crack. And JLo's massive ego was also involved. A massive ego and an addiction to famewhoring causes you to do shit like this for a little cheap publicity.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, JLo (ironic, right?) talks about and defends Scientology, but denies being a member. Her daddy and a bunch of her friends including Leah Remini are card carrying members of Tommy Girl's band of alien crazies.

JLo said, “I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.” When asked if she's an alien worshipper, she said, “No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”

And would JLo ever consider putting her Dragon Tales Twins in Scientology school? “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

JLo, it's okay. Have Tommy Girl call Oprah, so that you can go on her show, jump on her couch and finally tell the world that you love barley water and aliens. It's fine.

You know how else I can tell she's a Scientologist? She's starting to get a little frumpy in the hair. That's one of the first things to go! Look at Katie Holmes. She had cute hair until she hooked up with Tommy Girl. Now her weepy mop looks like it could use a huge shot of Prozac. But that will never happen....

Visit The Daily Beast to read the rest of JLo's interview. She talks about her nervous breakdown, selling her baby pictures for $6 million and once again tries to convince us that she's still just Jenny from the Block.

And here's a few pictures of JLo with old lady hair and a memaw dress at an event for Elle Magazine in Los Angeles last night.

When JLo pulls out her "sexy and intense" face, she ends up looking like she's holding the biggest queef in history. A coochie bubble so big that her ass cheeks and vagina lips have to work together to keep it in. JLo has to open up her mouth just a bit to release a little pressure. Of course, that's just what her face looks like when she tries to look all lusty and shit. We all know that JLo doesn't fart or queef. Gas from her body is released when she fucking talks.

JLo was at Macy's in NYC today to whore out her cologne for men which I'm sure will only be loved by guidos and their admirers. And it's obvious that she must have pissed off her hair gay and her make-up bitch today.

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo's veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here's more of JLo wearing one of Liberace's old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he's been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.