JLo

Skeletor looks like death! Well, more than usual. He looks like he could use an order of hamburger fries and a blood transfusion. He should bite on JLo's ass. I'm sure there's plenty of protein in there.

JLo told UsWeekly at that Costume thingey last night that her twins are "fantastic!" Hobag please. You know that bitch hasn't seen them since their $6 million photo shoot. The reporter should have asked her what their names are. She totally would have said, "Uh...uh...Dragon Tales twins?" Bingo!

Here's more of these skanks last night. I also threw in some Beyonce who looks like she's sucking in a baby bump. Spanx should really come out with a line of "baby bump concealers" for celebrities.

File this under: One step closer to being a has-been! JLo will star, co-create and co-executive produce a reality show for TLC. The show will follow JLo as she juggles her career and motherhood. The show is currently in production and no air-date has been announced. TLC is calling it a “docu-series," but that's just fancy talk for "bitch is no better than any other reality show trick." This means Hottie from Flavor of Love and JLo are on the same level now.

JLo said, “I am excited to be part of the TLC family. I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." She forgot to mention, "Hahaha! I'm getting paid a shit load too. I'm rich and you're not! EAT THAT!"

I was excited about this for a quick minute, but then I realized that there's no way JLo is going to let the truth be revealed. This shit is going to be scripted, majorly edited, de-bitched and she's probably bringing in actors too. Antonio Sabata Jr. is going to play Skeletor and the cartoon Dragon Tales kids will play her twins.

This mess will make "The Hills" look like an episode of "Cops." Seriously, you can't get more real than Cops and don't tell me that shit is fake. I couldn't take it.

With all that being said, I will be watching this.

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You would probably have to do a lot more than smoke cigarettes if you were married to JLo. Skeletor isnt looking that bad. He must have just had fed on the blood of a virgin. I'm sure that's on the menu at Waverly Inn.

People seem to think that JLo looks so skinny after just having her Dragon Tales twins. JLo just knows how to cover that shit up. If you lift up her dress, there's probably 10 layers of Spanx, twine, barbed wire, a wet girdle and a couple of Fly Girls holding her shit down.

JLo is wearing so much fucking make-up that her face has become one huge mirror. Hopefully, Skeletor can see his reflection in her mug and realize that he needs to eat more greens and stop feasting on the flesh of virgins. Actually, he should eat some of that make-up off her face. I'm sure there's a little protein in there.

Here's JLo and Skeletor at the premiere of "Shine A Light" in NYC last night. JLo took the invitation literally and turned her face into a giant spotlight. You can probably see her face from space.

JLo emerged from her crystal cocoon yesterday in NYC looking not like she just had a baby. Can you say lipo overload? She probably broke the damn lipo machine. There was an overflow of JLo's fat and people almost lost their lives, but she's looking hot.

I don't think she got the memo about those sunglasses though. It must have gotten lost in the piles of money strewn about her home. Only Trollsens and Arthur the Aardvark can wear glasses like that!

The Dragon Tales Twins will not be seen for a while. You can believe in that. They only do paid appearances from now on. Basically, only Russian billionaires can afford a meeting with them. Besides, their daily schedule is already filled with manis, pedis, yoga, French lessons, bikini waxes, tanning, daily colonics and botox injections. They are busy babies!

Skeletor recently attended a NYPD Fundraiser where he said that he's become skilled at putting his Dragon Tales twins to sleep. He said JLo even gave him a nickname, “I’m so hands-on with them that the household developed a nickname for me. They call me the Burp Whisperer.” That doesn't even make sense! Shouldn't it be the Dragon Tales Twins Whisperer? JLo needs to hire writers to come up with material for her daily conversations, because she sucks at nicknames.

I know how Skeletor is putting them to sleep. He's whispering in their little ears, "You better can it or I'll suck the soul out of you! You'll be as soulless as your mother!" Babies know zombie talk.

At least somebody around that house is taking care of the babies. I'm sure JLo has seen them twice in their whole lives. She probably saw them once when they were born and once during their $6 million photoshoot. She will see them a third time when decides to show them off to the paparazzi. This of course will be after she's had her face, ass, stomach and thighs wet-vacced.

I'm using an old pic of JLo, because I've run out of pregnant pictures and frankly she looks like a cholalicious here. Just a little.

TMZ is reporting that JLo is indeed getting $6 million from People Magazine for pictures of her Dragon Tales twins. She agreed to take the magazine's money if they would stop calling her JLo.

People reportedly agreed. Let me get this straight. They are giving her a shit load of cash and she's making demands? JLo is insane and I love it.

JLo also demanded that her husband, Skeletor, shoot the pictures. Can he even be around a flash? I would think a flash from a camera would make him scurry back into his hole.

What does JLo have against JLo anyway? She's the one who created it! Just for that I'm going to call her JLo until my dying days. JLo...JLo...JLo!! My tombstone will even say "JLo will always be JLo."

JLO!

Truly, truly outrageous! Whoooah JLo! Anyway, I'm done with that. That Jem! song is really the best ever. OK! So JLo has reportedly hired a full security team for her Dragon Tales twins. She didn't stop there. She also hired a color therapist and a masseuse just for her babies.

A source said, "She has employed a professional baby masseuse to come in once or twice a week and is also superparanoid about hygiene. The twins’ wing is totally sterile and all flowers and presents are stored in a separate room, so they don’t contaminate the babies’ area."

She also ordered 600-thread cotton sheets for them, diamond rattles and two ponies.

Mommie Dearest anyone? With all these stories of JLo's outrageous gifts for her babies, I better see them in some couture shit when she finally brings them outside. Seriously, they better be wearing some Louboutins and Chanel couture onesies. I bet you Versace is making their diapers.

Only JLo would allow some stranger to fondle her babies. Babies do not need massages! That will only push the vomit and diarrhea out even more.

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People Magazine has confirmed that JLo and Skeletor have named their twins Max and Emme. JLo's manager confirmed to the magazine. I am truly disappointed with JLo. I was expecting her of all people to give me some tacky glamour! Max and Emme? That shit sounds like a discount shoe line they sell at Foley's. I mean a few of you even pointed out to me that Max and Emmy are the names of the brother and sister in the cartoon "Dragon Tales." You know that's where they got the names from, because Skeletor definitely watches that shit. He can probably relate to Ord the dragon.

Anyway, People Magazine wrote, "The new parents welcomed their son and daughter on February 22nd Emme was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and Max followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs."

Max and Emme?! UGH! I still can't get over it. Bitch is trying to be all refined and conservative. JLo, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this. I was counting on you! Hopefully, she'll redeem her shit with their middle names.

Thanks Jules

Star Magazine stand by their claim that JLo and Skeletor have named their babies Max and Emme. Other magazines now claim the twins have been named Maximiano and Emelina. Apparently, hospital employees overheard JLo and her family calling the babies that.

People reports that the couple have not confirmed their names yet. It's probably part of their $6 million deal to release their names with the pictures. Baby making has become such a lucrative business. People also reports that JLo has been getting tons of gifts with their names' embroidered on them. Well, someone had to have done the embroidering! Spill the fucking frijoles. I must know.

I hope Maximiano and Emelina are just their middle names. JLo needs to give me some drama! Escandalo Emelina Lopez for their girl and Chewey Maximiano Lopez for their boy. You know they aren't going to have Skeletor's last name.

Thanks Ashbey