JLo

JLo and Skeletor have proven us all wrong! They were supposed to announce their separation during some kind of weird musical duet at Skeletor's concert on Valentine's Day, but that never went down and they are STILL married. Some whores told Gatecrasher they are trying to make their tortured animal of a marriage work, but there's problems. Skeletor wants to fill the world more zombie babies and JLo wants a career. Don't choke on the "career" part. It's not polite.

One source said, "Jennifer feels like Marc is holding her career back, and she was sick of his social butterfly mentality while she stayed at home with the twins (MK Note: HA! Ask her where exactly the nursery is and you'll get a mean side-eye back). There are times when she’s had it, and close to ending it. She’ll throw down her ring and say, ‘That’s it.’ But when Marc realizes he’s about to lose her, he comes right back to Mommy. She enhances his life — she’s a huge star and good for him, and he does love her. And really, all their fighting makes for some fiery passion in the bedroom.”

The source went on to chirp, “She will never give up the red carpet, and certainly doesn’t want to be barefoot and pregnant, locked down or locked up. She wants to give [1-year-olds Max and Emme] siblings, but she loves the attention of the spotlight. She does not want to be a stay-at-home mom.”

Um, isn't that what nannies are for? You can have it all! When you pop them out, you take a pretty picture with them for People, collect your check, hand them to the nanny and then go back to being a huge star or whatever. JLo knows this!

And Skeletor isn't holding her career back! There's a little disease called Notalent-itis holding her back. Not to mention that other disease she also suffers from called Massiveego-tosis. The only cure is to sit down and stay there.

Here's JLo and the Zombie in Black leaving The Box in NYC last night.

Topshop and Topman opened in NYC last night and I have to start by telling the power bottoms out there who might not know about this shit that this is NOT a place where hundreds of tops are lined up for your pleasure. I made that mistake when I was in London. I was promptly escorted out by security when I asked where the dick was. It was all very embarrassing.

At last night's opening, Kate Moss and JLo came mouth to cheek. This gross moment is making my stomach crawl up to my throat, but I hope it was good for JLo. Like I hope she got high off of Kate's fumes, because bitch needs it! Maybe if JLo got a hit of the bad shit, she would stop making "I got a doody bubble and it won't come out" face. Actually, a taste of the bad shit might make it worse. I seriously will be willing to put on an entire box of Hazmat-approved rubber gloves so that I can pop JLo's doody bubble Bobby Brown-style. Maybe then will she stop making that annoying IHasFarts face.

And if Chuck Bass chased the dragon, caught it, stumbled into a fruit dehydrator and passed out in there for a few weeks, he'd come out looking like Skeletor. Methinks Skeletor thought plaid would make him look like he's a member of the living. He thought wrong.

To celebrate West Side Story's return to Broadway, Vanity Fair shot an homage to the musical starring Camilla Belle (as Maria), JLo (as Anita), Rodrigo Santoro (as Bernardo), Chris Evans (as Riff) and Ben Barnes (as Tony). Other whores including Brittany Snow, Jay Hernandez, Robert Pattinson, Ashley Jizzdale, Cam Gigandet and Drake Bell also make cameos throughout. If you're trying to spot the sparkly vampire, just follow the flying unicorns to the back of this picture where he's glittering it up with Brittany Snow.

The acting faces in these pictures are worthy of a million Razzies. While Camilla Belle is purdy, she looks like an unlit candle and has the emotional depth of one too. And JLo. JLO! JLo as fucking Anita. I think I'll go back to San Juan, because if I stay here I'll slap a baby newt over this fuckery. Was Rita Moreno previously booked? Or Chita Rivera? Or Iris Chacon? Or Salma Hayek? Or Charo? Or Skeletor? Or La Pequena? Or any bitch but JLo!

And where in Officer Krupke hell is Anybodys?! That boygirl was always my favorite. All Vanity Fair had to do was ring up Rojo Caliente. Rojo already has the looks and attitude to pull it off.

They tell me this is JLo in NYC last night, but I am not so sure. The face doesn't fit. JLo must have snuck into Mariska Hargitay's hospital room and stole something that belongs to her...like her fucking face! This is some Law & Order: SYF (Stole Yo Face) shit. Get Det. Stabler on the case!

A couple of months ago there was a rumor that gay ass JLo and the keeper to the underworld Skeletor would sing a farewell duet to their marriage on Valentine's Day at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Well, that shit never happened. Instead, JLo and Skeletor dragged the Dragon Twins on stage to show everyone what a big happy fucking family they are. I think the whole audience turned to stone when the BABIES!! came out. I mean, they pretty much look like Skeletor in baby form. Except they each weigh more than his ass. This is some SKELETOR ANTHONY'S shit. Yeah, that didn't work, but I to give a shot.

The Dragon Tales twins look confused, because they have no idea who those people are holding them.

After the concert, JLo and Skeletor went our to dinner. Well, she ate the menu and he snacked from a bag of children's nails he always keeps with him.

JLo's looking a little swollen in the baby housing area. It's probably nothing. Her ego has just settled in her belly. It's trying to escape through her poon. Even it doesn't want to be around her fake ass.

And let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence to honor the dead pigeons on JLo's nasty ass heels.

JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes on Sunday because it got stuck up her ass when she tried to get that stick out. No, the mega bitch says it just didn't go with her dress. She told InTouch (via NYDN), "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress."

Many things didn't go with that dress. Like a vagina for one, because that shit belonged on a drag queen. And Skeletor really didn't go with that dress, because the only thing he looks good with is a crypt.

JLo didn't wear that tacky piece of trash because she knew everyone would be talking about it and the ho needs to see herself on the cover of tabloids. It makes her feel relevant. And here I am doing exactly what she wants. That bitch!

Now this is what I expect from a JLo divorce announcement! Some fucking drama. Gatecrasher says that on this coming Valentine Day's, JLo will join Skeletor onstage at Madison Square Garden in NYC where they will sing a farewell duet together and announce their divorce to everyone. That's if anyone is still in the audience. When JLo takes the stage to sing live, I'm sure thousands of bitches will either run for the door or find a sharp object to stab at their ears with.

JLo and Skeletor announced she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales Twins at one of their concerts in Miami, so she feels this is a fitting way to announce that their marriage is worm meat. A friend of JLo's said, “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet." Um. It will be all bitter and no sweet since JLo is planning to sing live. The woman has a voice like a chihuahua after debarking surgery.

I know Wanda Sykes doesn't want me to call things "gay", but this shit is gayer than gay! JLo and Skeletor announcing their divorce through song?! I believe it, because this is definitely something gay ass JLo would do. Bitch thinks she's in some goddamn Rodgers & Hammerstein musical.

Not only will JLo sing a farewell song to Skeletor, but she will also be singing a farewell song to relevance.

JLo is not above having a "smell yo dick" moment with Skeletor, but she sends her slaves (aka cousins) to do her dirty work instead. JLo apparently likes to keep close tabs on her bag of chewed up bones, so she sent her assistant to look after Skeletor while he was on tour. JLo couldn't be bothered by going, because she was too busy yelling at the Dragon Tales Twins' nannies and rolling around in mounds of bronzer. You know she does that.

A source told Page Six, "She wanted reports back so he didn't cheat on her."

JLo has something to worry about, because I have a cousin who says she would totally let Skeletor wet hump her. Gross and gross. The bitch obviously has a strange fetish for shriveled up insect men with Twilight Zone faces. Whatever makes your chocha holler, I guess. I don't get it. She also says that "White Shoulders" is her signature scent, so it makes sense that she'd want to ride Skeletor's brittle bone.

And Skeletor's dick probably always smells boiled cow bones with just a slight touch of Old Spice.

On the this week's cover of UsWeekly, JLo and Skeletor's marriage is about to become worm meat. JLo didn't wear her wedding ring to some movie premiere the other day and sources say it's her way of telling everyone her marriage is going through some shit. NO! It's her way of getting on the fucking cover of UsWeekly! And that's the troof!

Let's run down all the reasons why UsWeekly thinks this magical union between a wet turd and a Ziploc bag of brittle bones isn't working out.

Skeletor's creepy controlling ways drive her to tears: "He's very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren't as short. You don't see so much of that booty anymore."

Okay, everyone gets creeped out by Skeletor, because he is the epitome of creepy! JLo probably has a coronary every time she wakes up to his Crypt Keeper face. They can't keep living plants in the house, because they wilt when Skeletor walks by. And you would cry too if you were JLo and you were married to THAT!

JLo blames Skeletor for the bowl of diarrhea she calls her career: "Jennifer looked around and said, 'This is my life now? I'm a Long Island housewife?' She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes."

Um. No. Skeletor is not to blame. Gigli is. And by "Gigli" I mean that whole gross Ben Affleck moment. And I would love being a Long Island housewife! I mean, three glasses of Asti for lunch, long fake nails with holiday scenes on them and hair that can't even fit through the door. I need to be a LI housewife now!

Skeletor has been flirting with other hos: "One night after their tense family Thanksgiving in which the couple 'didn't sit together,' Anthony hit NYC hotspots Bungalow 8 and Marquee, where he was spotted with his hand on a woman's thigh and overheard complaining about his wife to a group of women, 'telling them, 'She's making me miserable.'

"Again, she's JLo. Her job is to make everyone miserable. Besides, Skeletor wasn't flirting with them. He was just finding out if they were virgins, because he was jonesing for some pure blood.

There's a bunch of other shit in this article, but basically I think there's no way these two are splitting up. Now is not the time. She has nothing to promote! Do you think JLo is going to let a publicity bomb like a divorce drop when she doesn't have a thing to sell? That is not like JLo. Believe me, we'll know when this marriage gets buried. JLo will be on the cover of OK! or some shit with the headline "I Can't Be Married To No Corpse Anymore!"

And here's JLo and Skeletor acting like a happily married couple while going to dinner last night.

Everyone was smiling at the Fashion Group's 25th Annual Night of Stars yesterday and trying not to think about the fact that Allegra Versace is the size of one of JLo's pinky toes. Now, Allegra has had many, many, many, many problems with ze food in the past and it looks like she still does. So what does her mommy Donatella do about it? She puts her in a dress and takes her to a party! To be fair, I don't think Donatella can see that well, given the fact that her massive swollen roid lips probably block her vision every now and again.

Here's a few more of JLo, Skele.....I mean...Marc Anthony, Allegra and Donatella last night. I can't call him Skeletor when he's standing next to Allegra. He's a larditor compared to her. And JLo's still making those "I'm so sexy" faces. They look more like "I'm sooo sweeepy" or "I'm soooo constipatedy" faces.