Drunks

By day, Spaz de la Huerta is breaking the will of mere mortals with her drunk tank beauty, and by night she's breaking glasses and punching hos in the face! TMZ reports that the beer-stained wild weed that grows between the Boardwalk floor boards was FRAMED in NYC on Sunday night. Yes, FRAMED! Some former reality star named Samantha Swerta claimed Spaz threw a glass at her before hitting her in the face.

Hook that Samantha chick up to a lie detector, because I refuse to believe any of this! Spaz is a refined lady of class! Spaz didn't throw a glass. That was the crystal teardrop from an angel who shed it after he caught an up-close glimpse of Spaz's gorgeous face in his telescope. And nobody punched Samantha! The wind just knocked her out when Spaz flipped her hair. RE-TRIAL!!!!

Okay, okay, I'm completely Spazmatized, so here's the real story from TMZ:

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, it all went down at The Standard hotel -- after Paz and Samantha got into it over Samantha's male friend ... we're told Paz was hitting on him and Sam got defensive.

According to sources, Samantha made a few snide remarks about Paz's level of inebriation ... and Paz got PISSED, throwing a glass and punching Samantha in the face.

We're told pieces of the glass became lodged in Samantha's leg, and Lindsay Lohan -- who was there with Samantha -- helped pick out the bloody shards ... while Paz was escorted out by security.

Samantha filed a police report this morning with her attorney Stephanie Ovadia. So far, no charges have been filed.

Wait. Lindsay Lohan was at a hotel bar?! A bar where they serve booze? STRING HER UP! WHAT'S THE NUMBER TO 911! STICK A BREATHALYZER IN HER MOUTH! CITIZEN'S ARREST! THROW HER IN THE CLINK! RE-TRIAL!

Yes, that's me trying to take the attention off of Spaz's drunk douchebag ways. I'm so the White Oprah to her Lindsay.

The L.A. County Probation Department's dream board features cutouts of Lindsay Lohan on posters for Chained Heat, The Big Doll House and Brokedown Palace, because they would love nothing more than to see the freckled Juvederm Muppet behind bars. They want it so bad that they are going to argue to the judge that she shit on her probation yet again by regularly drinking a tea that contains alcohol. TMZ says that LiLo admitted to her probation officer that she drinks Kombucha tea, which contains less than 0.5% of alcohol. To put things in perspective, saying the name "Lindsay Lohan" out loud fills your veins with more than 0.5% of alcohol. And when LiLo's mouth happens to be open when White Oprah sneezes near her, she inhales more than 0.5% of alcohol. ("Sneeze in my face, MOM!!!!" - LiLo)

But who cares about petty details, the bitch is a Kombuchaholic and broke the rules. Toss her in the clink!

The Probation Department apparently has a list of reasons why the judge should send her back to her home away from home and the Kombucha thing is on that list.

This is ridiculous. It's not like LiLo hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Kombucha while her nostrils snort up Kombucha and her asshole snorts up a Kombucha colonic. It's also not like that bottle is really filled with whiskey tea and she's going to use her delusional imagination to argue that Michael Lohan must've gotten a job at the tea factory so that he could ruin her by spiking her favorite shit with the sweet nectar. It's not like that at all (it's totally like that at all).

And on a different note, Kombucha Lohan would make a really good prison yard drag name. LiLo should keep that in mind.

(Image via INFDaily.com)

Radar, Star Magazine and UsWeekly all have stories out about how Xtina not only has the face of a Snooki, but she has the liver one of one too. Xtina's friends and loved ones are concerned that she's drowning the sorrow of her divorce with alcohol, alcohol and more alcohol. And when Xtina isn't turning her insides into a spit bucket at a sold-out wine tasting, she's making her leased piece shove buttered-up baguettes down her throat. Basically, Xtina dreams of whiskey bottles made out of baked dough. Me too, actually.

Star Magazine's sources say that Xtina has added 40 pounds of chunk to her body by bingeing on every single item on a T.G.I. Friday's menu. A "concerned" source whispered into Star's ear, “Christina’s lost her confidence since she split from Jordan. She gets terribly sad, and that’s when all the awful memories come flooding back and she ends up numbing herself with booze and food. Everyone is worried sick. She needs to get help before something even more serious happens."

40 pounds?! Did this concerned source ask Xtina to take off her make-up mask before stepping on the scale, because that's 30 pounds right there easy. Moving on...

Matthew Rutler's father has joined the "concerned source" in wailing out a woe for his son and Xtina. David Rutler cried to Radar that he doesn't necessarily think his son has a problem, but he does say that Matthew has never been in trouble before hooking up with Snookitina. David Rutler thinks that his son only drove drunk that night, because he was looking after Xtina. David went on, "He has a perfect record, he has never been in any trouble. He is an excellent driver, I taught him to drive and sat next to him in the passenger seat as he drove to school everyday, he's a good kid. I'm concerned for both of them. I hope everything turns out OK."

David was so fraught with concern that he accidentally dialed the number to Radar's offices instead of the Parenting Help Hotline for advice. Okay. But David needs to suck on a hard bronzer stick and stop trying to make it seem like Xtina is wrapping his son's innocent in pastry dough and eating it up. Matthew has a permanent smirk on his face that will make anybody dump their drink in the trash in case he roofied it. If GHB had a face, it'd look just like Matthew's. Bitch ain't innocent.

And finally, UsWeekly says that even though Xtina spent a night in the drunk tank, she still hasn't curbed her ways. A source says that Xtina and Matthew returned to the scene of the crime and got bombed like her last album. But unlike last time, Xtina and Matthew left in a chauffeured car. A source explains, "She acted as if the arrest never happened. When their server offered them dessert, they asked for more wine. When their server offered them dessert, they asked for more wine. She should see the arrest as a wake-up call, but she doesn't. She doesn't think things are that bad. She's nearly fall-down wasted nearly every night."

Notice how the source uses the word "nearly" instead of saying she's fully fall-down wasted? In my circle, that "nearly" means you're holding it together pretty well.

You know, Xtina spent years with a bat who flosses his teeth with human veins, so she has a lot of images to block out! Maybe Xtina is just having a moment (a moment that is lasting a few years since I'm pretty sure bitch is always drunk)?

And for those of you wondering when Xtina spends time with her kid, I'll have you know that he climbs on top of her head when she's passed out on the bathroom floor and uses the red drool puddle below her mouth as a tiny lake for his toy boats. That counts as mother/son bonding time!

Patricia Field (FYI: her stepfather is Jewish so she knows) defended John Galliano's drunken anti-Semetic rant by saying that it's theater, it's farce and it's not unlike Mel Brooks' "Springtime for Hitler" number from the SATIRICAL MOVIE The Producers. So I'm sure Patricia will look at this picture of Galliano dressed like a Hasidic pimp and scream, "SEE! THEATEREY! FARCERY! COMEDY! FASHION! DRAMA! BURP! FART! BOOM!" But what is Patricia saying about Galliano checking in to rehab. Do they have rehab for addiction to theater (if so, send Anne Hathaway)?

Because anonymous sources close to Galliano tell The New York Times that he has taken the advice of Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss by checking into a rehab clinic. Sources think he's at The Meadows in Arizona where Donatella Versace and Elton John were treated. Galliano has kept his Hitler-kissing lips shut throughout this entire mess, so of course he's not going to confirm that he's standing in the room of a rehab clinic and announcing, "My name is John Galliano and I'm addicted to worshiping Hitler when the booze gets me in the wrong place. Blehehehehehehe..."

This "rehab after racist rant" shit is really a major trend. Mel Gibson did it first, then Jade Goody (R.I.P.), then Vanilla Gorilla, then JRM, and now Galliano. Why is booze always taking the blame? Why is booze always the fall bitch? Why is booze always thrown under the bus?! WHY! WHY! WHY! If you took away my drinking privileges, I wouldn't be a dumb drunk slut anymore, but I would be a dumb sober slut instead. The only that would change is I wouldn't heave on the peen after misjudging my gag reflex and I don't think my fuck partner would kick me out of his apartment for passing out mid-thrust. Hmmm. I wonder if The Meadows can help me with that?

(Image via Fame Pictures)

For those of you who have been hoping for a busted down jail beauty shot of Xtina looking like a drunk Hatchet Face with a mug full of runny mascara stains and gutter water, you just got your wish. Almost. TMZ reports that Xtina and her gold digging boyfriend Matthew Runtler were both arrested in West Hollywood this morning. Matthew was brought in for DUI and Xtina found herself in handcuffs for public intoxication. The details from the celebwhore police blotter:

Aguilera was arrested at 2:45 AM and booked at the West Hollywood Sheriff's substation on a misdemeanor charge. On the booking report, Aguilera was listed at 5'2" and 100 pounds.

Aguilera's 25-year-old boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested last night at the same time for a misdemeanor offense. According to the L.A. County Sheriff's Department, Rutler's bail was set at $30,000.

Law enforcement sources tell us Aguilera appeared to be "extremely intoxicated" and was "unable to take care of herself." However, the source adds, "If the driver had NOT been arrested for DUI, [Christina] would have never been in trouble."

Sources close to Xtina tell us they have been trying to get the singer into a rehab program for weeks.

100lbs?! 100lbs of red lip paint maybe! But really, public intoxication?! What kind of backwards world are we living in when a mouthy drunk ho can't be a full-on mouthy drunk ho in public?! There are so many other things they could've charged her with. Like felony robbery for thieving Snooki's look and act. They could've also charged her with eyebrow endangerment for not feeding those sickly, dusty and thirsty brows. But public intoxication?! I blame Lady Gaga.

UPDATE: Xtina was released this morning after officers decided that she was sober enough to take care of herself. The LAPD isn't going to press charges against her. Xtina's leased piece is still in custody.

If you're about to get into a bowl of Pintos 'N Cheese or a bean enchilada, you better just back it up and stay far away from this post until you let out your last digestive burp. Okay, now that we've gotten that shit out of the way, here's some more shit for you! This is 28-year-old Abram Boise. You might know his fool ass from Road Rules: South Pacific and about a million of those Real World/Road Rules shows. If you're a potty training teacher, you might also meet Abram when he comes to you for a refresher course.

The Worcester Telegram says that Abram busted at 2am near a bar in Lunenburg, MA for being a loud drink who can't keep his urine in his bladder when out in public. My dog pisses on walls in broad daylight so why can't Abram? But the police didn't see it that way and they brought him in. Abram wasn't done taking the piss out of himself, because the officer said that he did a Fergie in his cell. So they moved in to another cell, and that's when the shit the fan. Or should I say, the shit hit the wall.

Once in his new cell, Abram celebrated being in his new home by squeezing out a Jersey Shore in his hands and smearing that shit (I mean it in the literal sense this time) all over the walls. The officer said that Abram is a regular Poopcasso, because he wrote his name with his own shit. Abram was charged with pissing in public and being an overall nasty scat bitch. Abram isn't even embarrassed about his acts of grashiti. Abram Tweeted (but later deleted) this mess:

just gout of jail…Loved it…I yelled and kicked their door for hours…Didn’t back down…Tried to stuff poop in his face:)

Cops were assholes tried to mace me in my cell.So I shit in my hand& thew it at him :) fuck the police

Threw his shit at them? Tried to feed him caca? Did he take self-defense classes from monkeys or the girls from 2 girls, 1 cup? I've been filled to the top of my head with DRUNK and I don't think I ever thought about squatting over my hands and... I take that back, there was that one time in Palm Springs...

And just the record, I WOULD NOT! Okay, maybe I would, but only if he kept a wine cork in his shit hole.

Shia LaBeouf has a reputation to uphold as the scrappy Boo-Boo Bear of Hollywood who has the ragey spirit of Russell Crowe, so as you may know he got into a bar brawl on Friday night. Now Radar has a riveting video from the scene (above) and the EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE details from the other asshole involved in the beef with LaBeef. And every word that comes out of Mark Mastro's douche hole makes you inch closer and closer to Shia's side.

Mark says that he's always been a fan of Shia's work ("Dude, I loved you in Even Stevens!") and so when he saw him boozing at Mad Bull's Tavern in Sherman Oaks, he took a seat at his table without an invitation and asked for an autograph. Mark explains, "My girlfriend saw Shia, and told me. I wanted to get a picture with him so I went over to his table, sat down next to him, and told him I was a fan of his. I called him Mr. LeBeouf. He didn't want anything to do with me. He said he just wanted to chill and refused to do a photos. I walked away."

A little while later, Mark and one of his friends were out on the front patio of the bar when Shia came waltzing out. Mark's friend said "what's up" to Shia and he told them to fuck off. Mark then called Shia a "fucking faggot," which was LaBeef's cue to curse them all out and charge at them. Shia got in Mark's face and chest-bumped him. You know, because the best way to prove that you're not into man-on-man action is to touch nipples with another dude while getting heated in the head. I came.

Mark says that's when the bouncer bounced in and put Shia in a headlock. A cop happened to be driving by and so he stopped to put Shia in handcuffs. Shia was later released and no arrests were made.

So Mark rudely interrupted Shia's sweet nectar time and then he called him a fucking faggot? Trying not to sound like a dumb fuck asshole: Mark is doing it totally wrong. That being said, Shia needs to sit on a bong and turn down the RAGE. If Shia really wanted to get those assholes off his dick, he should've just pulled out his phone and played one of his movies for them. That'll clear the room faster than Jessica Simpson farting into a fan. That's how you really win a fight.

Video via ONTD

The douche nectar that flows through Shia LaBeouf's veins reaches a boiling point when mixed with booze and that's exactly what happened last night Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA. Oh, Shia is still that dick bag boyfriend you just know you're going to be pulling off of another asshole (and not in a sexy way) during a bar fight co-sponsored by the sweet nectar and potent testosterone.

Both Hollyscoop and TMZ say that Shia Saide LaBeouf was briefly put into handcuffs by the LAPD after he got into a bar brawl that was probably more exciting than the last Transformers movie. There's two sides to this mess of a story. Witnesses at the bar tell TMZ that Shia started acting the fool and got punched in the face by a dude who wasn't having it. But Shia's friends say that he was jumped while leaving the bar. Damn. Paying to see Indiana Jones 4 felt like a double punch to the wallet, but there's no need to return the favor. Or is there?

The police questioned every drunk bitch involved in the fight and later released Shia back into the wild.

Shia + booze + other people will always equal police sirens. Shia was busted a few years ago for DUI and he was also arrested for being an asshole outside of a Walgreens. Shia just needs to put down the bottle, pick up the bong and cool his ass. Or he needs to pay closer attention during fight training so he can actually get a punch in during all these bar fights. Where the hell was Harrison Ford when Shia really needed him?

If you're going to fall into a sweet nectar-induced coma on somebody's bed, it might as well be Jeremy Renner's. Xtina has obviously been reading up on the drunk ho's list of pre-approved beds to pass out on, because she allegedly got close to Jeremy Renner's duvet cover at his 40th birthday party on January 8th. That's what a source tells UsWeekly anyway.

Apparently, Xtina stumbled into Jeremy's house with her psychical state set to "broke off & dozed off" and continued to get Snooki drunk. A source claims that she was acting the fool and her bought bitch Matthew Rutler kept trying to keep her quiet. Err. One of the first rules of dealing with a drunk bitch is: never ever tell them to keep it quiet. They will turn up the slurr and all you'll hear is "Whadya meeeeen beee quiet! Dis is my whithper librury voy-es.." over and over again. Just prop them over a plastic trash can and stick a cheeseburger in their booze hole.

Eventually, she found her way into Jeremy's bedroom and became one with his sheets. Jeremy was overheard telling people at a Golden Globes after-party: "Someone comes and tells me she's in my room. I run up and open the door and I'm like, 'Um, hi. What are you doing?' She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone's birthday party that they don't know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!"

Jeremy's rep said that Xtina had a good time, but didn't get into Jeremy's bed.

Oh, please. Jeremy is acting like he doesn't come home to find a random drunk ho in his bed almost every single day. Jeremy, we already know that your maid turns down the drunk whores every night before bedtime. We know this. Jeremy really got upset, because he knew he had to throw out the sheets he bought with his "Mission Impossible" money thanks to the lipstick slobber stains Xtina left for him. Note to Jeremy: When you see Xtina stumbling up to your driveway, Saran Wrap your carpets and put a furniture condom on everything. Oil-based face paint from Benjamin Moore does not scrub out!

And I'm fucking loving the new Xtina. Yelling at wet noodle hos and passing out on Jeremy Renner's bed? For the first time in my life I can say with confidence that I'm an Xtinahead. Keep fucking that chicken, Xtina!

All last night I kept waiting for the graceful gazelle of Boardwalk Empire to make an appearance at the Golden Globes. When Boardwalk Empire won for Best TV Drama, I really expected Paz de la Huerta to stumble onto the stage, hike up her gown and command all of us to give thanks to the wiglet on her crotch (aka the secret to that show's success). Spaz didn't do that, because she was too busy doing body shots with some of the waitstaff in the kitchen. Spaz's liver was the color of the paint on her lips last night. On fire.

Not only are there glorious pictures of Spaz looking like she just woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes with a sharp pain in her side and a trail of blood leading out into the hallway, but there's video too! TMZ captured two of Spaz's most wonderful moments last night. The first came when she was denied entrance into an after-party, because she was every kind of drunk.

The gatekeeper wasn't interested in Spaz feeding the potted plants inside with her 100-proof Miracle-Vom, so he kindly shoved her back into the car and told her to get the fuck out of there! But that party missed out, because a little later on Spaz nearly ate cement and then scribbled out an autograph (which probably looked like this) while her titty hung out of her dress. We can all finally exhale a huge sigh of relief now that the new Tara Reid has been anointed. All hail:

I'm glad to see that SOMEBODY at the Golden Globes took advantage of the full bottles of Moet on the table. I bet even Spaz's hungover piss has bubbles in it. I love her.