Drunks

Have you ever tried to type while you're laughing your ass off??  Then you'll forgive the typos when I tell you that Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman ahahahaha no seriously hahahaha... AHEM!  SHE HAS CHANGED!!  TMZ says that Lilo has turned down numerous (hey, two counts as numerous) offers to host NYE parties because she desperately wants to change her party girl image.

Here's a beat-looking and weathered down Kate Moss stumbling drunkface first out of The Box in London last night with her husband Count von Count and some friends. Don't let out one laugh, because this will probably be some of us in a few hours (and is probably some of you RIGHT NOW) after Jack Daniels rides a Wild Turkey down our throats a dozen times or so. You know, it's when the nectar of the Gods lulls your head to sleep and your brain tries to pull down your eyelid shades, but you're trying to fight it to keep the party alive. That's your loved ones cue to plop you in a corner, shove a slobber bucket under your neck and then spend the rest of the night trying to throw uncooked cranberries into your wide open passed out mouth. It's a Thanksgiving tradition! But I have a feeling that to Kate Moss' daughter, it's a nightly tradition.

My mom asked me the other day if I was watching Revenge (which you should always pronounce as RUUUUH-VEEEENGE while making wide Norma Desmond eyes), and I told her that I was behind 3 episodes since its priority ranks way below my current soul fillers of choice The A-List: Dallas and Love & Hip Hop. So instead of doing the correct thing by softly weeping about how she can't believe she raised such a garbage disposal tramp who eats up trash by the pound, she goes, "Oh, so you didn't see it when so-and-so found out that so-and-so was a this-and-that? I couldn't believe it!" So yeah, just like my mom, Spaz de la Huerta should import the phrase "SPOILER ALERT" into her lexicon, because she spilled way too much information on the Boardwalk Empire season finale at a party the other night.

Page Six says that Spaz, who truly always looks like she's always having an awake abortion, was approached by a guest and asked if she could tell them anything about the season finale. (SPOILER ALERT) The drunk face that launches a thousand side-eyes opened its mouth and told the guest that her character's baby dies. Apparently, that's more than the party guest wanted to hear.

For real, though, I doubt that even happens in the finale if it came from Spaz's tongue. Spaz is forever free falling down a K-hole where the moments from her life twist together, and so she doesn't know what she's saying half of the time. When you turn on the local news tonight, you'll find out that Spaz was arrested for accidentally blacking out on top of a baby. "So that's what she meant" is what you'll say afterward. Oh shit, I should've added a SPOILER ALERT to that shit.

This morning, the lobby of the Belasco Theater in Los Angeles looks like a crime scene where a tangerine viciously murdered a family of cherries and that could only mean one thing: XTINA WAS THERE!

The Tasmanian She-Devil put on her party leggings and whirled through a video game launch party, eating every booze bottle, whore d'oeuvre and man in her path. Once every drop of hooch and cater waiter tray had been devoured, she stopped, let out a few huffs and then this happened:

Xtina gambled:

Xtina lost:

And when Xtina loses, everybody in a 200-foot radius loses. Emergency room nurses at the UCLA Medical Center now know why the number of fart inhalation cases that came in last night were up by a thousand percent.

Also, here's Xtina's beauty tip of the day: Before a night of drunken debauchery, go ahead and color your hairline with a bronzer stick. Bronzer it up all the way. I mean, your hairline is going to be covered in bronzer shit by the end of the night anyway, so you might as well look like you did it on purpose.

Kate Moss is a seasoned drunk who knows very well that sometimes you can get to a party to find that some rabid disrespectful piles of scab trash have sucked down all the good sweet nectar and have left you to make a cocktail out of melted ice and window cleaner. So Kate always comes prepared just in case disaster should strike, and last night in London she stumbled into the Dazed & Confused (too easy) party at the W Hotel with two human crutches to keep her from spilling her goblet of wine.

Kate was not about to spill one drop. Jodie Marsh could've come by and made the wind barf by flexing, and Kate's hand would've stayed steady and kept the wine in. Pete Doherty could've slithered up from the gutters to make tongue love with Kate's nostrils (how they used to greet each other in the old days) and that glass would stay as stiff as a zombie's dick. Bitch could go through a Wipeout obstacle course and come out with a full glass. Unlike that wrong bitch Kate Winslet in Titanic, Kate Moss is never letting go.

In the glory days, Kate could throw that wine around like nothing, but IN THIS ECONOMY you have to cherish and respect every precious drop. You don't waste that shit. You fight for it, you lie for it, you walk the wire for it, you dieeeee for it.

Shia LaDouche and the Kingdom of the Cracked Skull played on the streets of Vancouver over the weekend when Even Stevens took several blows to the head from a fat, hairy, topless dude. Yes, that does sound like the disappointing grand finale of a 2-star gay porn that will leave sitting up in bed with your laptop on your bare thighs, peach lotion in your hands, a light shade of azure covering your nutsack and a Post-It note tacked to the outside of your brain reminding you to never trust the porn recommendations of a friend whose go-to fap material is a scene from Fight Club. There's nothing worse than the walk of shame from your bed to the bathroom when you've got nothing (read: cum hands) to show for it except for a lotion-stained laptop and a frowning peen hole. Moving on...

Shia LaBeouf's resume just got another line added to it under: extracurricular douchetivities. Shia's impressive credits already include a DUI, a drunken meltdown in the middle of a Walgreens, a handful of bar brawls and outside of Cinema Public House in Vancouver he added "get face checked by a drunk fat bitch" to that list. TMZ says that Shia got into a brawl of words with the punch thrower inside of the bar and after they were both kicked out, the hairy dude ripped off his shirt and went after him. That fat bitch punched Shia like he was a plain salad with no blue cheese dressing.

(Side note: Why do assbags always have to rip their shirts off before they issue a beatdown? It's like the dick bag equivalent of the Hulk t-shirt rip. Do they think it makes their stupid asses look scarier? Or maybe they don't have an in-unit washer dryer, so they're not about to add another piece of clothing to their laundromat pile because they got the blood of Shia on it. I can understand that.)

Shia was finally saved by a poking crutch and another dude who really wanted to hug the rage out of him. Radar says that before this fight, Shia got into two other bar brawls at two different places.

Shia, get yourself together, girl! Doesn't Shia know that every time he guzzles the sweet nectar to the point that it brings out the skid mark rage in him, his hot sessy mother has to grab him by the ear, drag him home and spank the foolery right out of his naked nalgas?! Oh, wait. So that's what this is all about!

Before hitting play, you might want turn your speakers all the way down or staple your ear flaps to your face, because the dramatic ass paparazzo screeching out "You dropped Johnny!" til his tonsils fell off could wake a Lohan from her drunk coma.

Fresh off of pissing people off with his rape comment, Johnny Depp took on the drunk celebrity obstacle course in Hollywood as he left some restaurant called 25 Degrees the other night. Johnny made it out the door (1 point), scribbled out an autograph (2 points), got bro hugged to the ground by some Gallagher looking ho (-3 points), got back up (3 points) and then kept on signing his name like his nalgas just didn't eat sidewalk (20 points!!!!). You can't keep a drunk Johnny down! But the most impressive part of Johnny Herp Derp's tanked bitch stroll to the SUV is that not once did he shove his BIC down that pap's mouth to stop the fake scream madness. If there's such a thing as beer goggles, there must be such a thing as beer plugs and Johnny definitely has them shoved in his ear holes.

Johnny eventually got into his SUV and showed everyone he was okay by doing the heroin tap and the fisting an imaginary asshole salute! And no, I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't John Mayer.

via Gossip Cop

The word MESS cannot even begin to describe the awkwardness Kim Delaney from Army Wives filled the stage with at the National Constitution Center in DC last night. Kim, who has had problems with the bottle before, was supposed to give a speech during the Liberty Medal Award presentation to Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates, but she ended up earning a bus ticket to the nearest dryin' out center instead.

Last night was not the time for Kim to show off the skills she learned at Spaz de la Huerta's Drunken Speech Academy. Kim uncomfortably slurred on like a first grader on downers who really has to pee during their book report speech before a crew member issued a SIT DOWN BITCH on her in the politest way possible.

Kim is probably still resting her head inside of a comfortable toilet bowl this morning, so she hasn't said a thing about this mess. But if I was her, I'd blame it all on the teleprompter. When all else fails, use the "I wasn't drunk, the teleprompter was drunk" excuse.

via ONTD

The other day, The Superficial posted a gallery of pictures of Lindsay Lohan looking like the pristine dandelion she is while doing not-at-all shady crack ho shit with hotelier Vikram Chatwal in front of his apartment window. It's the kind of mess you'd see if you pointed your telescope at the Crackieopeia constellation up in the night sky. Blohan's spokeswhore said that she's just friendly with Vikram and nothing romantic is going on. He's right. The last time I did a line off the top of a multimillionaire's dick while licking his peen's undercarriage just so he can get me into a fashion party, "romantic" is not the word that shot onto my tongue.

Howfuckingever, Page Six says that LiLo was acting like she's more than just friends with Vikram when she came at his estranged wife Priya Sachdev at his NYC hotel on Wednesday night. Oh, to be a fat scabie on LiLo's scalp sludge when she got in Priya's face. A witness tells Page Six all about how LiLo went into a rage like a homeless junkie protecting her spot in the ATM vestibule:

“Lindsay had been staying at Vikram’s house and even installed her hairdresser in the baby’s room, but was told to leave before his wife arrived from India with the child a few days ago. His father, Sant Singh, has tried to order Lindsay out numerous times.

Lindsay found out Vikram was hosting a dinner at the Dream, and turned up with a friend at the hotel’s Electric Room, waiting for him. That’s when the trouble started. Priya was very dignified, but Lindsay was so rude. She acted as if she’d had no idea Vikram was married, and tried to make it clear that Vikram was her friend. Others had to step in to calm things down.

Vikram’s family worry that Lindsay is bad news and want him to stay away from her.”

In the wise words of Pastoress Khia: YAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!! The shifty vodka landslide of coked up stupidity is FINALLY speaking my language.

LiLo couldn't get hired as an off-camera fluffer in a bare bones budget porn parody of her life, so I've been saying all along that it's time for her to trade in her coke shovel for a gold digging shovel. LiLo is allergic to working and has several nostrils to feed at home, so switching careers from "piece of party-ruining trash" to premiere gold digger is just a good move. Yes, Vikram will never divorce the mother of his child to marry a trick who looks like Gollum meets the Slumdog Millionaire outhouse bath scene, but you can't blame a ho for trying! I'm rooting for her!

And I love that LiLo put her "hairdresser" in the baby's room. "Why does this strange rattle look like a plastic bag full of opiates?" is a line the nanny definitely said sometime this week.

There's a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler's heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I've stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I'm ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler's cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler's cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.

The vodka sponge in Spaz's head must have forgotten about which cable show she's on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should've finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she's a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.

Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called "Zombie Jizz") she answered the question: "What does a Chinese Crested's swollen anal glands look like?" And she also answered the question: "Do drunk zombies spray tan?"

It's okay to admit that Spaz's beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.