Drunks

When Kiefer Sutherland's hos said that he head smashed a trick in defense of Brooke Shields, her people issued some statement saying they had no idea what the hell Kief was blabbing about. Well, now Brooke has slid over to Kiefer's side and is saying he SAVED HER LIFE. Sort of. Brooke's lawyer told Gatecrasher, “While at the after-party at SubMercer, Brooke was bumped into by Jack McCollough, and Kiefer Sutherland became concerned. Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company.” Some source added that Jack most likely shoved Kief first and that's what caused him to get all Jack Bauer on a ho.

Kief was charged with third-degree assault and his lawyers are trying to prove that he wasn't in the wrong in this situation. But one of his Kief's former co-stars isn't so sure, because of his history with the sweet sweet nectar that is BOOZE. They said that when Kief gets a drop on his tongue, he turns into a raging alkie monster!

They said that one time they were on a 45-minute private jet ride and watched Kief devour 6 cocktails, “He was so bombed, he got violent and threatened bodily harm to another individual on the plane.” Um. I bet if you ripped open the jacket of the individual he threatened, you'd find a bomb strapped to his torso. Kief was just doing what he does!

Why can't people just let Kief BE GREAT! Seriously. Yeah, he needs a few dozen boilermakers in his system in order to be great, but just let him!

Kiefer Sutherland skipped down to the 1st Precinct in Manhattan today to shoot the shit, have a cup of coffee with the cops, tell a few jokes and then get charged for headbutting a ho. In case you have no idea what I'm babbling about, let me give it to you quick. A few nights ago, Kief brought his head down on Jack McCullough's nose at a bar in NYC. Apparently, Kief thought Jack bumped into Brooke Shields, so he was defending her honor or some shit. Brooke denies that Jack harmed her.

E! says that Kief was charged with one count of misdemeanor assault and will have to come back to NYC in about a month to face a judge. If he's found guilty, Kief could get up to a year in the chokey and a $1,000 fine.

Kief is currently on probation over in Los Angeles and the LAPD said they are investigating as to whether or not he effed that shit up. If he did, he could get 10 months in the clink on top of the 7 weeks he already served for violating his probation.

Kief should really use the Christmas tree defense. It will work! The judge will understand, because every knows Christmas trees are evil. Everyone also knows that Kief is batshit crazy. But if everything doesn't go Kief's way, the bitch will be making grilled cheese on a prison radiator for a while.

In the meantime, if Kief wants to rock the booze bottle until the break of dawn, he should probably stay home and do that shit. It will be better for everyone. Boozin' out in public doesn't really agree with him.

Somebody opened the cage door, let Lily Allen out, attached her to a booze bong and then her fucking rip on footballers and their wives. Now this is the Lily Allen that makes my no-heart beat. The Lily who loves the bottles and loves to slaughter dumb whores with her words. Apparently, Lily talked shit about Posh and Cheryl Cole to some French football magazine called SoFoot (via Metro). YES, get those skanks, Lily:

On Posh & Becks: "The Beckhams are sickening. Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I'd rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."

On Cheryl Cole: "She is just a bitch. She represents everything I hate. She is stupid, superficial and as ugly outside as inside."

On Chery's husband Ashley: "He is the worst, he disgusts me. He jumps on everything that moves. I am not criticizing just to criticize, but I have met him several times. He is revolting.”

On footballers in general: “It's ridiculous, I hate it. Footballers aren't there to show off in London, but to play football. Mind you, they are probably too stupid to understand that. Especially the English ones.”

This bitch! Now, I'm sure Posh has no idea who Lily Allen is. It's impossible for Posh to acknowledge chicks who eats more than 1 meal a month and weigh more than a 3-month-old fetus. Does not compute.

Lily is like that aunt. You know. That aunt. The one who comes to family gatherings talking about how she's not going to drink, because you know how she gets. And you DO, so you slip her a cranberry vodka and tell her you only put a drop of the good shit in it. An hour later, the ho is riding high on the drunk express and is letting the shit pour out of her like a backed-up toilet. She points at every ho in the room and says shit like, "That puta over will fuck anything! Don't shake her hand or you'll get diseased!" At one point, you have to escort her to the exit and say, "That was abuelita you were talking about."

The answer to yesterday's question, "Why in Vanessa Lutz Hell would anybody fight over Brooke Shields?", has been answered. Sort of. Kind of. Okay, not really. Anyway, two nights ago in NYC, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted Jack McCullough of Proenza Schouler over Brooke Shields. TMZ says it was because Jack bumped into Brooke and didn't apologize.

Police say when Jack knocked Brooke over, Quiefer jumped to her rescue, because that's how he do. He demanded that Jack apologize to Brooke. The two had a few words which escalated into Jack pushing Queefy. Queef responded the only way he knows how, he headbutted that trick. Jack was rushed off to the hospital to get his purdy nose fixed and a police report was taken. This might be a problem for Kiefer since he's on probation in Los Angeles for a DUI.

But wait! The plot thins! Kiefer's damsel in distress, Brooke Shields, has no idea what he's blabbering about. Brooke says Jack did nothing to her and she has no idea why Kiefer gave it to him Jack Bauer-style. Her spokeswhore said, "Jack did nothing inappropriate. It's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did."

That's ice ice cold. Brooke and Kiefer made beautiful magic together (the masterpiece that is Freeway) and she acts like she doesn't even know who he is?! Brooke better wear a helmet at all times, because Kiefer is watching and waiting. His forehead has her head's name written all over it. He's ready to headbutt that bitch at any time for doing him wrong like this.

And since Brooke denies any involvement in this, I'm sticking to my Christmas tree theory.

I'm just going to give it to you straight, because that's what Jack Bauer would want. Kiefer Sutherland straight-up head butted Jack McCullough at SubMercer bar in NYC last night after the MET gala. Jack had to go to the hospital and wasn't released until later today. Jack is one half of the design duo Proenza Schouler.

So why would Kiefer bring down his mighty head upon Jack's nose?! Guest of a Guest says Kiefer was upset over Brooke Shields. YES, they fought over Brooke Shields. Booze, crack, heroin and massive amounts of delusion had to have been involved, because who fights over Brooke Shields anymore? Andre DeShields, ok. Brooke Langton, maybe. But Brooke Shields?!

Kiefer has a girlfriend. Brooke is married. Jack is gay. How did this happen?! My imagination can't even travel to a possible reason for this, but I'll try.....

Maybe the entire bar Kiefer consumed triggered an acid flashback which caused him to see Jack as that damn Christmas tree! You know, the one that's always fucking with him. Kiefer thought it was back for more and he wasn't about to let it get the last laugh, so he headbutted the bitch! Let's relive the memories:

That's really the only reasonable explanation for this, right? A taunting Christmas tree is Kiefer's worst enemy.

You can't keep a good drunktard down! A couple of days ago, Wino collapsed in St. Lucia, because that's what she does on a daily basis. We call it "passing the fuck out," she calls it "taking a sweet sweep nap." And her spokeswhore calls it "dehydration." After Wino kissed the floor, she was taken to the hospital, but was released a quick minute later. The Sun says that Wino went straight from her IV drip to the bottle. Wino was seen replenishing her fluids at a bar at the Le Sport resort.

Well, it is a scientific fact that booze cures the thirsties, cleanses your organs, kills germs and makes baby kittens smile. So this is just what the doctor ordered! Speaking of, I feel like I'm going to need an Emergen-C-tini soon. This morning, I woke up feeling like I might have the sicks in a bad way. Don't say the OINK word.....

Here's the Crackie Kid showing off her moves with her bodyguard yesterday. Crack off, crack on!

So, this past Saturday, while you were guzzling down boxes of Franzia in between bites of a greasy ass cheeseburger while lounging topless on your kitchen floor, The Hoff was doing the same thing. Although, once again, The Hoff took the drunkery to a whole new level! Radar says The Hoff abused the booze bottle a little too much and checked out. According to their sources, The Hoff's 16-year-old daughter Hayley, who has been down this fuckery before, found him unconscious in his Encino home.

Pamela Bach, The Hoff's estranged ex-wife, drove over to his house after her daughter called for help. Pamela then drove The Hoff's boozed and broken ass to Cedars-Sinai. Radar's sauces (typo and it stays) say The Hoff was "barely breathing" and close to going off to the great big open bar in the sky before doctors got to him. The Hoff was registered with an alochol level of .39. This is his seventh time going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. He was later released back into the wild.

Yesterday, The Hoff's spokeswhore laughed off the story that he abused the sweet of nectar of the gods. She says the reports were totally exaggerated and The Hoff is doing fine. The Hoff's lawyer tells TMZ that he thinks Pamela leaked the story to Radar.

Normally, my advice would be "use, don't abuse," but The Hoff needs to step away from the liquor cabinet completely. They aren't friends anymore. Have a Crystal Light instead. I mean, a .39?! I know Wino hits that in her sleep, but most of our livers would have put up the white flag at .20.

And imagine that epic soul-killing hangover?! No amount of Emergen-C or Menduo could fix that.

The other night in Miami, George Clooney spent 4 hours inside of a restaurant becoming one with a tequila bottle. Georgie's drunktardian ass finally wobbled out of the place with two Sarah Larson-wannabes at his side. Seriously, this is the best George could do? I mean, was The Millionaire Matchmaker throwing one of her "mixers" inside that restaurant, because that's where these two bottom-of-the-barrel bitches look like they came from. Actually, I don't think Patti Stanger would approve of them and that's saying everything. AND HOW!

Georgie ended up leaving with one of the tricks and they went back to his hotel room to play "tickle the cornhole." But by the look on Georgie's face it didn't get that far. He nibbled on her nipple a bit, barfed on her booby and then passed the fuck out. Oh how I love booze. Sometimes it really saves you when you're about to do some nasty shit with a fug ass bitch.

There's always got to be a drunk ass foul-mouthed bitch at every party and at last night's tribute to Tom Hanks by the Film Society of Lincoln Center, Julia Roberts was that ho. Everyone embrace a fellow drunktardian into our club.

When it was Julia's turn to speak about Tom, she loaded her cannon with fuck bombs and aimed it at the audience. Julia's speech sounds like gorgeous music to my ears: (read it in a slurry, burpy voice) "Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee. So Tom, everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita, and her tits were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Julia the went on to talk about Tom's illustrous film career, "I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about! "You in the airport with the accent (she's talking about Terminal)? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist! Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Before falling off the edge of the stage in a drunken stupor, Julia told the audience, "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space. Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Julia Roberts is awesome for that. When did Julia Roberts become my auntie giving an impromptu speech about how much she loves her pet ferrett at Thanksgiving dinner after downing a whole box of Franzia? I don't know if that made any sense, because I think I got contact drunk after reading Julia's rant.

You know that after she got home, she crawled into bed with her kids and practically suffocated them with her hot booze bref kisses! She slobbered on them and said, "I luuuuvz youuuz sooo soo mu-uuuch." I used to love when my mom did that.

Seriously, Julia needs to do shit like this more often!

UPDATE: And here's the video!

Here's some of the hos who got to witness Julia's ridiculousness last night.

Kate Moss woke up at 6pm the other day and thought to herself, "Tonight, I want to look like the lounge singer love child of an episode of Star Trek from the 80s and the movie Xanadu as seen through the eyes of Sasha Fierce." Balmain granted Kate's wish and she thanked them by ripping that shit up at 4am after a night of saucing and snorting. Although, maybe Kate's drunktardian ways had nothing to do with her wrecking that dress. I mean, she was in the company of an extral-large vanillasicle milkshake. David Walliams' hotness will make any ho split their pants, panties, dress and ass. Bitch can give you an extra ass crack!

Look at the last thumbnail below. David caught a glimpse of his sexiness in the rear-view mirror which caused him to jizz his own pants. Even he is not safe.