Drunks

Since J. Harvey is a certified drunk mess, I felt it was only fitting to announce his triumphant return with these pictures of Our Patron Saint of Patron, Kate Moss, trying to figure out how "this walking thing" works while leaving a Mexican restaurant in London with her husband Count Von Count last night. But before I get into Drunk Ass Kate being Drunk Ass Kate....

One of the more reliable voices in my head tells me that the sanctity of marriage will receive a flaming breath of life this weekend when the most gorgeous ginger lesbian on every planet Rojo Caliente marries Cynthia Nixon. So because of this, I'm going to spend my entire Memorial Day Weekend throwing confetti made of double pleated Dockers in the streets to celebrate the greatest ROYAL GINGER LESBIAN WEDDING OF OUR TIME! No, I won't be doing that, but I did hear that a Rojo Caliente wedding might be upon us soon, so gird your souls! My mom is in town, so my sister and I will be spending our Memorial Day Weekend fighting with each other in various restaurants around the city. While I do that, J. Harvey will be spreading the foolery on Dlisted starting today through Monday. I'll still be posting sporadically (file that under: smart words I learned while watching Clueless) throughout the weekend, so you haven't completely gotten rid of me. I'll be back full-time on Tuesday where we'll continue to investigate the mysteries of dick cheese, etc...

And now, here's Kate Moss threatening all of us with a good time by leaving her fly open while leaving that Mexican restaurant. I don't know if that peep show sign is just a decoration to make that place look edgy or if there's a porn store next door, but I sort of like the idea of a Mexican restaurant/sex store. Yes, it would smell like a donkey show star's fart, but I've smelled worse in the subway during August. I mean, when you're jacking off in a sex store, don't you really wish that you had a bowl of refried beans in your other hand? Hold the queso blanco.

The smoke monster needs to come and get his bitch, because Matthew Fox is still a dumb drunk of a mess.

In "dude really needs to go back to the island" news, Matthew Fox was arrested near his home in Bend, Oregon on Friday morning for driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. TMZ says that Matthew and a passenger were on their way to fill their drunk bodies with some delicious grease at a fast food place when the police pulled him over. Matthew was taken in at around 3:23 in the morning and released a few hours later. There are no other details about his arrest.

The only detail I need to know is whether or not Matthew Fox had that pepaw goat beard on his face at the time of his arrest, because that mess is obviously the root of all his problems. I understand being ten shades of drunk and craving a mound of deep fried lard. We've all been there. But is a cheeseburger really worth the risk of crashing into another car or getting arrested? I had to think about that for a few seconds, but the answer is NO! Order a pizza, bitch, or get one of your kids to ride their Big Wheel down to the McDonald's for you. Matthew needs to go down into the hatch and stay there until he is capable of making good life choices. Take Amanda Bynes' dumb ass with you.

On a positive note, at least he didn't commit vagina abuse this time.

Before I get into more of Lindsay Lohan's crackhead antics, I thought I'd wet your whistle (with barf) with this picture of Michael Lohan looking like an uncircumcised turtle dick while striking a vomit-inducing pose in the mirror. Don't you dare throw Michael a compliment for his abs, because we all know those aren't abs under his lycra turtleneck, they're two halved slices of sausage. Moving on....

As Michael Lohan makes a bathroom mirror cry by putting his crack rock hard nipples in front of it, his partner in foolery Lindsay Lohan has been accused of starting the fight that ended with a delicious cocktail getting wasted. Michael tells TMZ that LiLo was the innocent one and she's the one who got splattered at The Standard Hotel on Wednesday night. But a friend of the girl LiLo got into a fight with says she started everything. LiLo was sitting in a booth next to the trick and got bumped. LiLo turned around, tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her, "Did you bump into me?" The girl denied it and told LiLo it was probably Michael Lohan who was sitting next to her. The rest of the situation went like this:

LiLo: That's my dad, why would he bump into me?

Girl: You go clubbing with your dad?

LiLo: (insert every curse word here) *picks up drink, throws at a ho*

And that's the other side of the story.

Blohan is a self-entitled piece of trash who has about as much sense as she has cartilage in her nose, but if there's one thing she respects it's booze and I doubt she'd waste a drop of it. Water is anti-booze and will dilute your buzz, so I doubt bitch had any of that on her table. If it's not at least 100 proof, LiLo ain't putting it on her table. White Oprah taught her well. So LiLo's totally got the Respect the Booze defense on her side.

And obviously, that girl threw Michael Lohan shade because she was jealous at how his tight sexy white turtleneck makes his titties pop.

Your eyeballs can thank the blonde in the background for rolling her eyes so they don't have to. Give your eyeballs the day off, they deserve it.

Here's Xtina making sight balls do the wave while sitting courtside with her paid piece Matthew Rutever and Christina Milian at the Lakers game in L.A. last night. In all seriousness, Xtina usually looks like a Snooki and Hatchet Face drunk swirl, so besides the Count Chocula ass brows, the Hamburglar ass shirt, the Fritos Chili Cheese ass skin and the skid mark ass blush, she looks good! Did I miss anything?

In "bitches staying messy" news, Bobby Brown was pulled over by the police today in Reseda, CA, because he's Bobby Brown so they knew he must be up to some backwards shit. No, they pulled Bobby Brown over, because his dumb ass was talking on the cell phone. When the cops walked up to his window, the musky scent of a bar sink filled their nostrils and they pulled Bobby out for a breathalyzer test. Bobby blew over the legal limit and it was off to jail his ass went.

TMZ says that Bobby was taken to the jail in Van Nuys to pose for his (insert the number of times you rolled your eyes at this entire post and then you'll have the number)th mug shot. Bobby's "people" somehow got his bail money together by checking under sofa cushions and asking the other members of New Edition to give a FREE BOBBY!!! concert in the parking lot of a laundromat. Bobby bailed out at around 2:30 PST, just 2 hours after he was busted.

If charged, this will be Bobby's second time at the DUI party. Bobby served 8 days in jail in 1996 after he pled guilty to a DUI in Georgia.

Reading shit like this mess makes me blow an air kiss to my daddy for walking out on our asses so I didn't have to see him fuck up before my very innocent eyes.

Who the hell drives drunk at 12 in the afternoon on a Monday? Bobaaaaay B, that's who. Telling Bobby to pull his shit together is a waste since everyone has been telling him to pull his shit together for the past ten million years. Your energy would be better spent on taking off your pants and sliding your ass on the carpet (© Abe from Mad Men).

I know, how can I do Goldie Hawn like that especially after I wrote the paps a ticket for mistaking bright shining beauty Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan injects her lips with the liquefied remains of her career in hopes that one day she'll be as beautiful as Goldie Hawn. Drop the syringe, LiLo, because you can't touch this. Goldie launched her children's charity, The Hawn Foundation, in London last night and since she's given so much to society, she decided to do something good for herself by donating several bottles of champs to her froat!

Goldie's hair usually looks like a pack of chihuahuas tried to burrow themselves into it, but it was a category 5 mess last night. Bitch's hair was even drunk. I bet if you snipped off a lock of Goldie's hair and dipped it in a glass of Canada Dry, you'd have an instant 100 proof gin and tonic. Even though Goldie forgot how to get into a car and gave a Mad Men extra a free granny poon show, she still looked like a drunk tumbleweed of glamour. Which is more than I can say for Kate Hudson, who looked like a stoned overgrown dwarf.

Randy Travis was shuffled off to the drunk tank in Sanger, Texas at around 1 this morning after the cops ruined his buzz by catching him guzzling from a wine bottle while sitting in his car which was parked in front of a baptist church. If you put a banjo and a sprinkle of twang on that last sentence, it really would sound like a country song. As soon as Randy Travis smears some lip chap on those crackle lips (Seriously, couldn't the cops have given Randy a dollop of Vaseline for his mug shot moment?), he should write that song.

NBCDFW says that someone called the police to complain about a suspicious-looking vehicle parked in front of the church. The cops answered the call and found Randy sitting in his car. When Randy rolled the window down, the cops practically got tanked from inhaling his 100 proof wine breath. Randy had an open bottle of wine on his lap, so the cops killed his car party for one and dragged him to jail. Randy was booked on public intoxication and dried out in the tank for a few hours before he was released.

Who hasn't been arrested for getting drunk on the blood of christ in front of a church? But the thing is, Randy Travis lives in some town called Tiogra, which isn't far from where the cops got his ass. So why wasn't Randy getting plastered under his carport like all the Texans I know? Let's hope that Randy learned a valuable lesson from this. The lesson being that when a trick you met from Grindr (or Craigslist, or from calling a number you found scribbled in front of a urinal in a truck stop bathroom) tells you to meet them in front of the baptist church with a bottle of Chateau Diane, tell them to come to your carport instead!

No, seriously, I had this friend in L.A. who never let the tricks he met online come into his house. He'd meet them in front and then take them into the garage. They'd do their thing on an old futon and then he'd kick them out. His reasoning was that he was too lazy to go to their house and he didn't want them to come inside his just in case they were thieves. He'd tell them that his dog didn't like strangers. So there's your Ho Shit tip of the day! Hopefully, it goes from my blog to Randy's eyes.

Water is wet, I flicked at my nipple while using the neti pot this morning, Tommy Girl took his toast with a thick layer of nut butter and Lindsay Lohan allegedly snorted her way to fucked up and back on Sunday night. The headline "Lindsay Lohan Gets Loaded at Chateau Marmont" is about as shocking as the headline "Angelina Jolie Only Ate Air Today," but let's hear what Radar has to say about this mess anyway. Radar's source claims that at a SAG Awards party at Chateau Marmont on Sunday night, Blohan slurred her words and her eyes were so damn glassy that you could've cut a line on them. Apparently, she tried to look like the epitome of sober by only sipping on water, but her coke burnt nose told a different story. So said the source:

"Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time. When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay's eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted. [She] was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night. Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein's party - his was roped off and she didn't get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate."

Of course, LiLo's rep denies all of this.

The only language Lindsay Lohan knows is Drunk Slur and her pupils are just naturally constricted now, so it would really be news if she was talking without a slur and walking without tripping over herself. But I CAN'T with her hibernating in the bathroom all night. Who does she think she is? Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I hate that shit. That is why going to certain places is the worst. There's always some cokehead cokejacking the bathroom when all you want to do is take a quick caca, because you made the wrong decision of drinking a White Russian. You know how some bathrooms have a baby changing station? Chateau Marmont needs a coke snorting station just for Blohan. Let the non-snorters shit!

On ESPN's Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable (via THR) the other day, Pat Sajak told Dan Le Batard (pronounced: luh butt tard) a secret and it wasn't that his current hairpiece is made of Vanna White's old bangs or that he was the prototype for the Teddy Ruxpin doll. Pat told Mr. Luh Butt Tard that back in the 80s he and Vanna would drown their insides with a margarita typhoon between shows and then stumble back to the set not knowing their vowels from their consonants. So basically, nothing has changed!

"Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of. I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good, but no one said anything, so I guess I did OK. I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now."

And after the show, the drunk hot flashes would overtake Vanna and Pat's bodies, so they'd rip off their clothes, she'd sprawl out on the wheel, he'd spin it and then poke her with his peen every time she came around. When Vanna had enough, she'd put the bankrupt wedge over her chocha. But seriously, Vanna keeps giving me reasons to hate her. I already hate her for the following reasons:

1. Vanna gets to drape herself in ensembles that are the epitome of GLAMOUR. (Exhibit: A)
2. Vanna has a luscious mane of ash blond hair that takes hairspray like no other.
3. Vanna starred in NBC's greatest achievement, The Goddess of Love.
4. Vanna's job is so easy that a fat, lazy fart-brained chihuahua can do it. No, seriously, I have a fat, lazy, fart-brained chihuahua and even he can touch an iPad when it glows.
5. Vanna's face is on yarn.

The list goes on and on, but now "getting fucked up on the job" is now at the top of that list. Although, I shouldn't really hate her for that one since I'm typing this while wondering if my diet will allow me to switch the wheat bread on my sandwich for beer.

And here's one of the clips Pat was talking about:

I should be impressed by his chugging skills, but I'm more impressed that the pussy wig on his head stays on even when he tilts back.

Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.

Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.

Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!

Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.

Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.

Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.

Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.

Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.

I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"

Thomas Jane - I did not know that Knott's Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops.