Drunks

Sometimes a video comes along that just makes you want to lock the chain on your door and call in sick. This might be one of those videos. It's True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard partaking in some drunken dry ass play with his "Beyond The Pole" (I'll fucking say) co-star Rhys Thomas. It's like a frat boy party meets a Calvin Klein ad circa 1995 meets a fangerbaner's wet daydream.

ASkars exposes his Swedish nipples before trying to awaken Rhys' no-no with a faux ass much. Rhys is trying to act all giggly, but you know he got the twitches at least once.

This is obviously some marketing shit, but at least it's marketing shit that plays to all my senses. Enough of me, roll that beautiful bean footage already:

Visit My New Plaid Pants if you need screencaps to make a collage to hang on your bedroom ceiling.

(Thanks Maimo)

Remember Sandy from the first season of the original Melrose Place (eff me in my colostomy bag hole, I'm old)? Sandy was the Southern trick who was trying to be an actress when she wasn't trying to get a piece of Jake's crotch? Sandy was replaced by that lesbian (you know she was and still is) Jo after only 13 episodes. Amy Locane, the actress who played Sandy and was also in Cry Baby, went to act in a bunch of movies you've never heard of well. Well, Amy is under the spotlight once again! Specifically, under a spotlight in the interrogation room at the Somerset County Police Department in New Jersey. You see, Amy was arrested last night in Montgomery, N.J. and charged with second-degree vehicular homicide.

The L.A. Times reports that Amy's Chevy Tahoe crashed into the side of another car as it was trying to turn into a driveway. The passenger of that car was pronounced dead at the scene. The driver was flown to a hospital and is listed in critical condition.

Earlier in the night, Amy rear-ended a different car. As the driver of the car called the police, Amy got into her car and drove out of there. The driver followed Amy and witnessed her knocking over several mailboxes.

Amy later told police that she sucked down several glasses of wine before she got into the car. The officers at the scene said she was slurring her words and had glassy eyes. Amy's bail was set at $50,000. If convicted of the charges, she faces up to 10 years in the clink. The law states that Amy would have to serve 85% of the term without parole.

Amy has two kids and is married to a LIQUOR STORE OWNER (that deserves all caps).

If Amy was busted in California, they'd only sentence her to 60 days without highlights and tanning. But since this is going down in New Jersey, bitch's next role will probably be playing Jane in the women's prison production of Melrose Place: The Musical. Hey, at least she's playing Jane. That's an upgrade.

Vince Neil, seen here with a trio of naturally beautiful flowers freshly plucked out of the Garden of Eden, was put into handcuffs early this morning after police believe he was driving while under the influence of the sweet nectar. A spokeslady for the LVPD didn't give up any details, but she did tell E! News that Vince's drunkery caused a car accident. She wouldn't say if there were any injuries reported.

Vince is currently sitting in a jail cell on $2,000 bail. His wife is on her way to Las Vegas to pay his bond.

Since his bail is so low it's assumed that Vince didn't kill anyone this time around. In 1984, Vince crashed into an oncoming car while driving car. Vince's passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle Dingley, was killed and two people in the other car were seriously injured. Vince has also been arrested for beating up a prostitute back in 2003.

So let's see, Vince Neil actually sent someone on a one-way trip to heaven because he was drunk driving, and yet he still slides behind the wheel of a car when he's boozed up? Does this dumb bitch have a brain like a corroded silicone implant?! At this point, Vince shouldn't be allowed to operate a broken Big Wheel, let alone a real car.

Answer: DRUUUUUUNK! Here we have Matt LeBlanc leaving a club in London early this morning looking the same way I looked after I watched Ed in its entirety. BROKE OFF, DOZED OFF.

Matt is starting to resemble a recently fired mid-level banker who lies to his family about going to work and instead spends his days sipping Jacob's Well from a paper bag in the backseat of his late model Buick parked behind a shuttered supermarket....but I still would. Blame it on the silver fox lounging on top of his head.

Chris Klein was thrown into a jail cell last week after he was arrested on suspicion of DUI in L.A.. When Chris gave fellatio to a Breathalyzer, it registered his blood alcohol level as .20. And animal rights groups are also shaking their fists at his ass (sounds sexy, but it ain't), because Chris' dog was in the car with him at the time.

In Chris' defense, his dog was supposed to be his designated driver, but then that bitch got drunk too. Don't you hate when that happens?

Anyways, Chris' rep has announced to People that he is drying out at Cirque Lodge in rehab since he's got nothing else to do. The spokeswhore said this:

"After recent events, Chris was forced to take a clear look at a problem he has been trying to deal with himself for years. He understands now that he can not beat this disease alone.

He thanks everyone for their support as he takes all the necessary steps to deal with his addiction and asks for privacy while doing so."

Asks for privacy? Why is Chris putting a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door when nobody was planning to knock anyway? That's not true. I'm sure Suri knocked and then slipped a Narconon pamphlet under his door. She gets a pair of heels for every new recruit she brings in.

After getting contact high from Chris Klein's (possibly fake) Mamma Mia! audition tape which was co-produced by the drug dealers of Los Angeles, I figured it was only a matter of time before he got busted for having an entire 8-Ball up his nose or some shit like that.

Well, Chris Klein was put in handcuffs early this morning, but surprisingly the bad shit was not involved. TMZ says that Chris was busted on suspicion of DUI. Chris was pulled over on the 101 Freeway in Los Angeles at around 3:30 this morning. Chris got a giant F MINUS on his sobriety test, so he was shuffled off to the jail house to get his picture taken. Hey, at least somebody wants to take his picture.

This is Chris' second DUI arrest. In 2005, he was arrested after he blew a .20 on the Breathalyzer. Chris pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 5 years probation.

Can somebody please throw a rock at Suri Cruise's window so her lazy ass can wake up! Tell Suri to slip on her heels, grab her Chanel and get down to the station to bail out her bio-daddy. Suri can takes a few rolls of cash from the "runaway fund" Stepford Katie keeps in a shoe box under her bed. Katie won't notice.

Alcohol stocks in the UK have plummeted, because that Amy Wino has returned to her favorite place in the world (after Bargain Booze) THE CLINIC to fill her system with liquid that doesn't come from a twist cap and is best served in a yard long.

The Sun is saying that Wino checked into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter the number here followed by "th") time over the weekend after her new boyfriend Reg Traviss told her that she needed to dry out.

Some source tells The Sun, "When she's not on the bottle they get on brilliantly. But Reg has told her to quit the booze, otherwise he'll be off, and she hit it hard last week. She wants to keep him so has decided to make a huge effort to stay sober."

Usually when a bitch snatches the booze bottle from Wino, she grabs it back and downs the contents in a quick minute before smashing it over their head. But Wino didn't do that with Reg, so she must be entering one of the final stages of dickmatization. Wino is choosing dick over the sweet nectar. Dick so good that it will make you quit the booze is a serious thing.

Why bother wasting your hard-earned coins by dropping them into a toll booth when you can just say a prayer, step on the gas and General Lee over that bitch like 22-year-old Yasmine Villasana did at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport last Tuesday. You know that while she was soaring in the air, she took a swig from a flask, lit a cigarette and winked at the camera while Smokey and the Bandit "YEEEE-HAWED" from the sidelines.

MyFoxDFW says that Yasmine's Impala flew over one car before crashing into the ground and catching on fire. Witnesses say that Yasmine tried to get back into the car while it was burning up. That crazy bitch probably wanted to do it again. Bitch's got an itch for the thrill now.

Surprisingly, Yasmine only broke her wrist during the crash and nobody else was hurt. Yasmine told police she only drank one cranberry and vodka the night before. Yasmine also continued to roll out the hilarious lies when she claimed that someone rear-ended her. I believe her. The spirit of KITT tossed her over that toll.

Yasmine was charged with DUI. But did she pay the toll? Exactly.

Just because Amy Wino now has a boyfriend who wears clean chonies and probably dabs the corners of his mouth with a fresh white hanky after he drunks voms into a toilet, doesn't mean she needs to hang up her crackhive and retire her messy drunken ways. And thank the bottle of well whiskey for that, because then we wouldn't have these glorious pictures of Amy Wino striking all kinds of "skanky sorority girl with a fake ID" poses last night.

Wino performed a small set at the Jazz After Dark bar and celebrated the fact that she didn't spit into the eye of an audience member or pass out into the drum set by infecting some of her fans and throwing fuckfaces at the paps. If Hugh Hefner is ever looking for a centerfold for Playboy's Beauties of the Crackhouse issue, he just needs to put a shot of something strong on his doorstep and Wino will come a running!

Here's Wino looking like she just crawled out of a dumpster where she was passed out face first in a pile of old extra chunky chili. Wait, maybe that wasn't chili.

Sonja Morgan, the proud slut and drunk of The Real Housewives of NYC, was thrown into a cop car early Monday morning after she drove through a stop sign at 2:16 a.m in Southampton, Long Island. Sonja got an F on her sobriety test, and refused to put her lips on a breathalyzer, so she was arrested for DWI. A source tells the New York Post that Sonja was partying all weekend.

In Sonja's defense, if you had to be around that pack of crazy hyenas all the time you'd be sucking that bottle non-stop too.

Sonja is easily my favorite bitch on that show, because she loves kissing booze as much as she loves kissing peen, but I don't understand why in the hell she was driving. Sonja used to be married to J.P. Morgan's great-grandson, so she's got money falling out of her ass. Why drive yourself? Driving is hard! Based on Countess LuMann's broke down video and song, it's obvious she needs fast cash, so Sonja could've hired her as a driver. Mah friends.