Drunks

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Nothing makes me want to suck on a tongue like the succulent scent of week-old hot dogs, urine and burnt coffee. Glamberace and his main squeeze obviously feel the same way, because here they are mouth fucking in the parking lot of 7-Eleven yesterday night. Personally, I'd rather make-out in the 7-Eleven bathroom, but they are classier than I am, so they took it outside.

And since we're sort-of on the subject of convenience stores, here's an 11-minute long video of me visiting my neighborhood bodega last Tuesday at 11 in the morning.

Just so you know, I had a giant bowl of fresh vegetables and big glass of tomato juice that morning. Memaw Ruth was RIGHT!

TMZ caught up with a boozed up Mickey Rourke last night in NYC, and he decided it was a wonderful time to tell us why he constantly uses the slur "faggot." According to Mickey, it has nothing to do with being gay. No, calling someone a faggot is just like calling someone a punk ass bitch. Mickey kept saying how it had nothing to do with being a homosexual, and those who want to label the word can fuck off. Basically, Mickey just doesn't give a fuck.

Mickey went on to fart that he would use the word during his footballs days when telling one of his teammates to catch the ball. WAIT. Hold the dildo!

So is Mickey trying to say that every time someone has called me a faggot, they were actually telling me to catch the football? If I knew that, I'd probably be the wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys by now. That means I'd spend my days in a locker room full of hot pieces! DAMN MICKEY. Where were your words of wisdom when I needed them most?

And here's some pictures of Mickey looking 100% heterosexual while sashaying through NYC with his fluffy lap dog while wearing Forever 21 jeans, a dandy plaid vest and loafers that used to belong to Barbara Bush.

The Hoff has taken his acts of drunkenness international! While visiting London, The Hoff ended up in the emergency room after going a little too far with the booze. I guess you know you've had too much to drink when a doctor is yelling "CLEAR" in the ER.

The Sun reports that a doctor was called to The Hoff's room at the St. Martins Lane Hotel because he was suffering from the drunk ills in a bad way. The Hoff's inner angry drunk came out when the doctor arrived. Sources say he freaked out and accidentally punched the doctor in the head. Don't hassle The Hoff, especially when the bitch is tanked.

An amublance was called, and The Hoff was shuffled off to a private hospital where he spent 2 days drying out. The source added, "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."

This is the fifth time The Hoff has been admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Although, he has denied it every single time.

The Hoff really needs to spend less time with the sweet nectar (I can't believe I typed that) and more time watching his own videos. Seriously, whenever I need to sober up in a quick second for Sunday morning church, I just watch a few seconds of "Hooked On A Feeling." The booze will immediately evaporate from your bloodstream and your head will be clearer than an exquisite lucite heel.

Oh, and just so you know, no hamburgers were harmed this time.

Sean Penn might be in a little bit of trouble after he allegedly karate kicked and hit at a pap who tried to photograph his ass while he was leaving the Brentwood Country Mart yesterday. The pap who goes by the name of Jordan Dawes says that Sean, who looks like he was wearing a Jeff Spicoli wig at the time, went crazy on his ass a few times before getting in his car and busting out of the scene.

TMZ says that Jordan immediately filed a police report against Sean.

If you're a pap and Sean Penn comes around the corner, you better put on a helmet and pray for the power of Greyskull to be with you, because bitch don't play. Look at his old ass busting out a SPARTAAAA kick on that pap! The best part is that he's not letting anything happen to that bag of food he's holding. Sean must have spent time at the abuelita training camp, because memaws are masters when it comes to beating your ass with one hand while stirring a pot of food with the other.

And if the pap wanted to get Sean off of him, he should've just thrown a fake 8 ball or a rubber vagina at him. That'll keep Sean busy for a few quick seconds.

Dr. Drew, come and get this woman AGAIN! Tawny Kitaen, a graduate of Celebrity Rehab and one of the original videos ho, was arrested in Santa Ana, CA yesterday for driving under the influence.

Sgt. Shontel Sherwood (hottest officer name of the week) of the Newport Beach Police Department told the Associated Press that she was arrested at 3 in the afternoon after officers believed she was fucked up on booze or the bad shit while driving her Range Rover. Tawny was later released on $2,500 bail.

This wasn't Tawny's first time in a jail cell. Tawny was arrested back in 2006 after the po po found 15 grams of Lohan powder in her apartment.

Okay, I know the bad shit messes with your brains, but why would you get behind the wheel of a car when you're riding high? That is the quickest way to getting caught. Flag down a bus! Hitch on to the back of a truck! Ride a pot-bellied pig! TAKE A KAYAK!

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

Paula Abdul showed those idiotic American Idol producers just exactly what they're missing out at last night's DIVA Live concert. You can't put a price on this kind of potent crazy. Paula, who hosted the show, poked at Ellen Degeneres' prune box by dressing up as her and imitating her "penguin with hemorrhoids" moves to perfection. And it was nice of Kim Zolciak to lend her weekend merkin (for when Big Poppa wants a little fur on his teeth) to Paula Abdul to wear as a head wig.

Before Paula channeled her inner perky butchie, she opened the show with a medley of her greatest hits (below) and this is going to go down in lip-synch HISTORY. I don't even think Paula was moving her lips. But in her defense, her mouth was probably numb due to mixing massive amounts of Tijuana-bought Vicodin, daytime Benadryl and Pepsi Zero.

My favorite moment of the entire show is when Paula almost stumbled into the audience at the 1:14 mark. YES! Ellen could never do the pill popper stumble even if she tried.

Paula's performance could also double as a live re-creation of the Hindenburg disaster.

Above is a little clip of Kate Moss flipping her nostrils after James Nesbitt, the host of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London, made a joke at her expensive. James apparently LOLed about Kate being nekkid on the cover of GQ. Kate wasn't loving it, so she got up, stormed out and shouted beautiful Dlisted-approved gems like: "How fucking dare he!" and "I'm never coming back to this fucking award show again!" Lily Allen just stood there and giggled. You know you're a special kind of angry drunk when you make Lily Allen look like the picture of a pristine lady. Kudos for that, Kate!

You know, I'm not sure why Kate got all bitchy about some ho making fun of her being naked on the cover of a magazine. Bitch is naked on the cover of EVERYTHING. Seriously, grab a Pennysaver and Kate's bare nalgas will be staring back at you. Run into a random pediatrician's office, pick up a Highlights Magazine and Kate's frownin' snatch will be right there on the cover. Hell, I'm sure Kate's saggies are even on the cover of the Holy Bible at select motels.

So I have a hard time believing she'd freak out over that. Maybe the open bar ran out of hooch halfway through the ceremony? If you ever want to bring out the cunt monster in Kate Moss in 0 seconds flat, just scream one of the following: "LAST CALL!", "YOU'RE CUT OFF" or "WE'RE DRY!".

Mimi stumbled out of Mr. Chow last night looking like a sturdy unicorn who ate too many fermented apples in the orchard. Mimi said herself that she's eternally 12, so she probably gets drunk just from drinking a Shirley Temple too fast. Or maybe homegirl didn't even drink at all and the alcohol in all the Dep gel she used to achieve those early 90s curls seeped into her skull giving her a buzz. Wait, that could be possible. I know what I'm doing tonight.

Luckily, Mimi's manservant, who dressed the part, was there to safely guide her drunk ass to the car.