Drunks

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed

Johnnie Walker's favorite homeboy Kiefer Sutherland skipped on into a bar called The Spot in San Pedro, CA the other day to celebrate BOOOZE with crew members from 24. One of the bar's employees spilled the sauce to TMZ and said that Kiefer & Co. started the alcohol orgy at 7 in the morning. They kept lapping up bowls of the sweet nectar until 1 in the afternoon. Kiefer was definitely in a good mood since he picked up the tab for the entire bar before leaving (with a designated driver).

Apparently, the final tab for 30 people was only $500 and Kiefer dropped a $200 tip on top of that. Okay, if we ever have a Dlisted convention, it will be held at The Spot in San Pedro. I mean, 6 hours of boozing for 30 hos and the bill only came to $500. That's around $17 a person (my math cell works fast when it comes to booze)!!! And The Spot will probably let all of us party with our pants down (just like Kiefer).

Amy Wino's daddy already confirmed that she got new chichis put in, but he didn't tell us that she went with size: BABY HEAD. To be more specific, size: FAT BABY HEAD. Wino is serious about her titty implants.

You know that I'll throw down for a pair of magnificent chichis, but nothing good can come out of Wino's new pair. I mean, they look harder than a stale crack rock, so Wino is definitely going to use 'em to knock a bitch out. So if you sass Wino, you'll get a crack-covered loogie in the eye and a speedball titty on your head.

Thankfully, that didn't happen at tonight's Q Awards, but it came close. She was supposed to present an award to her friends The Specials, but bitch showed up on Wino time (aka minutes late). While The Specials were accepting their award, Wino pulled a Kanye by showing up on stage and crashing their speech. When The Daily Mail asked Wino why she was late, she shot back with, "What’s it to you, I was doing my hair. Fuck off." I think Wino meant that she was literally doing her hair. You know, humping on her crackhive. They are close like that.

Wino's shenanigans didn't stop there. When Robert Plant was on stage accepting an award, Wino started heckling from the back of the room. Robert stopped for a quick second, realized it was just the crackie acting up again and went on with his speech.

So, there you go. Brand new chesticles, but the same ole' fuckery!

Spending time with my bong while watching Sandra Lee make recipes out of Rice-A-Roni packets and Steak-Ums is one of my favorite things to do. However, don't make that shit unless you want your guests to clog up your toilet with their own vomit or have you committed. This is why I'm throwing Sandra a "Have You Been Mixing Your Vodka With Lighter Fluid Again?" side-eye for saying that St. Angie made one of her recipes.

Sandra told People, "I was really surprised when her friend let me know she made my No Bake birthday cake. She's a Semi-Homemade mommy just like the rest of us! She's a very busy, overextended mother. I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too."

SANDRA STOP! Sandra probably had too many "Aqworium-tinis" when she was talking to her friend. Her friend actually said, "My friend Gina Jolly thinks you're working with a broken oven." And of course, drunk ass Sandra heard, "My friend Angelina Jolie makes your no bake cake." Besides, St. Angie uses her hands to heal the world, not to make birthday cakes. That's what the child army is for. They are all trained short order line cooks.

And no Sandra Lee post would be complete without another WTF-recipe from her. I can't:

Obviously, we all need to do peyote with Sandra so that we can try to see what she sees.

Lindsay Lohan tells Life & Style (via E! Online) not to worry about her 15-year-old sister partying in clubs and bars with her, because she totally can handle drunk bitches, people overdosing and skeezy old dudes flashing her on the dancefloor. Well, she is learning from the best.

The voice of reason said, "She's tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." Blohan also added that Ali knows when to put down the Long Island Iced Tea to finish her homeschool work, "She's really good about that. If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."

I don't even know why Ali is bothering with homeschool. She's already learning the most important skills in life from hanging around her sister. I mean, don't you wish that at the age of 15 you learned how to pump a stomach with Alka-Seltzer pills and a cocktail straw? Or how to vomit perfectly into a bottle of beer without leaving a drop? I didn't learn those life skills until I was 18! AT LEAST! Ali is totally ahead of us all.

As you can see, Dennis Quaid and his wife left a restaurant last night looking like they just had an orgy with a few bottles of the sweet nectar. And I'm no Lohan, but it also looks like they have a case of coke mouth. I'd have to sniff at their breath to make an official ruling. Anyway....

A boozed-up Dennis Quaid got behind the wheel of his car outside of Phillipe Chows last night, and was just about to drive away when the po po pulled up. You can get put in handcuffs for just putting your keys into the ignition while under the influence, but the cops decided to give Dennis a warning instead. Splash says that when the cops told Dennis to get out of the car, he told them he wasn't planning to drive away. The officers let him go back into the restaurant and call a cab.

Dennis should give those cops a taint licking and a lap dance, because they saved him from marinating in a jail cell for a few hours. And when you've got the drunks ills, the last thing you want to be doing is using your hands to protect your asshole in jail. You need your hands to keep the booze barfs from coming up.

If I was that police officer I would've arrested Dennis for being related to Randy.

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Nothing makes me want to suck on a tongue like the succulent scent of week-old hot dogs, urine and burnt coffee. Glamberace and his main squeeze obviously feel the same way, because here they are mouth fucking in the parking lot of 7-Eleven yesterday night. Personally, I'd rather make-out in the 7-Eleven bathroom, but they are classier than I am, so they took it outside.

And since we're sort-of on the subject of convenience stores, here's an 11-minute long video of me visiting my neighborhood bodega last Tuesday at 11 in the morning.

Just so you know, I had a giant bowl of fresh vegetables and big glass of tomato juice that morning. Memaw Ruth was RIGHT!

TMZ caught up with a boozed up Mickey Rourke last night in NYC, and he decided it was a wonderful time to tell us why he constantly uses the slur "faggot." According to Mickey, it has nothing to do with being gay. No, calling someone a faggot is just like calling someone a punk ass bitch. Mickey kept saying how it had nothing to do with being a homosexual, and those who want to label the word can fuck off. Basically, Mickey just doesn't give a fuck.

Mickey went on to fart that he would use the word during his footballs days when telling one of his teammates to catch the ball. WAIT. Hold the dildo!

So is Mickey trying to say that every time someone has called me a faggot, they were actually telling me to catch the football? If I knew that, I'd probably be the wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys by now. That means I'd spend my days in a locker room full of hot pieces! DAMN MICKEY. Where were your words of wisdom when I needed them most?

And here's some pictures of Mickey looking 100% heterosexual while sashaying through NYC with his fluffy lap dog while wearing Forever 21 jeans, a dandy plaid vest and loafers that used to belong to Barbara Bush.

The Hoff has taken his acts of drunkenness international! While visiting London, The Hoff ended up in the emergency room after going a little too far with the booze. I guess you know you've had too much to drink when a doctor is yelling "CLEAR" in the ER.

The Sun reports that a doctor was called to The Hoff's room at the St. Martins Lane Hotel because he was suffering from the drunk ills in a bad way. The Hoff's inner angry drunk came out when the doctor arrived. Sources say he freaked out and accidentally punched the doctor in the head. Don't hassle The Hoff, especially when the bitch is tanked.

An amublance was called, and The Hoff was shuffled off to a private hospital where he spent 2 days drying out. The source added, "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."

This is the fifth time The Hoff has been admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Although, he has denied it every single time.

The Hoff really needs to spend less time with the sweet nectar (I can't believe I typed that) and more time watching his own videos. Seriously, whenever I need to sober up in a quick second for Sunday morning church, I just watch a few seconds of "Hooked On A Feeling." The booze will immediately evaporate from your bloodstream and your head will be clearer than an exquisite lucite heel.

Oh, and just so you know, no hamburgers were harmed this time.