Drunks

Either Tiger Woods is tripping so hard that his eyeballs are trying to jump out of his body, or that dude behind him is giving him the shocker, or he got nervous while realizing that it's been exactly 4 hours since he's stuck his wandering peen into a trick who isn't his girlfriend.

Awkward couple Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn went to the Met Gala together on Monday, because the real theme of the night was awkwardness (see: Kim and Kanye, Kristen Stewart and 90% of the dresses there), so they could be openly awkward among all the awkwardness. Tiger Woods somehow made it through the Met Gala without massaging his face against the ass cheeks of every cocktail server who walked by him. But UsWeekly says that at a Met Gala after-party at the Boom Boom Room in The Standard Hotel, Tiger got wonk-eyed drunk, fell on some stairs and embarrassed Lindsey Vonn.

Some witness type said that Tiger looked uncomfortable at the party and what do most people do when they're uncomfortable at a party? Get plastered! Tiger drank the booze up and when it came time to leave, his drunk ass fell while walking up some stairs. Tiger Woods sat there for a second until Lindsey clenched her teeth, pulled him and helped him to the car.

Drunkenly falling on some stairs at a dumb party is the least embarrassing thing Tiger Woods has ever done. But I'm sure Lindsey Vonn always look embarrassed. That's just what her face naturally looks like now. Your boyfriend calling you "Elin" during fuck times and your boyfriend coming home smelling like banana cream pie from Perkins and random snatch will cause your face to get stuck in the embarrassed position.

TMZ just keeps the dash cam hits coming and here's the grand finale (I think) of Reese Witherspoon, AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!, getting arrested by a cop while saying whatever she wants to on free ground, because she's AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!

The clip starts out with Reese telling the officer that her name is Reese Witherspoon and this is about to be national news. My favorite part is when she goes, "Absolutely, you told me not to get out of the car and I said, to you 'I DIS.AGREE.'" If my drunk ass got out of a car and sassed an officer like that, I'd be eating the ground he has jurisdiction over.

Reese then gets into the back of the cop car and her drunk driving husband Jim Toth manages to be the voice of reason. Jim tells her that she's making it worse and she just needs to stop. Shut up, Jim! You don't have jurisdiction over Reese's vocal cords and she's an American citizen who can say whatever she wants on free ground! Besides if Reese did shut up, she wouldn't have barfed out ridiculous shit nugget after ridiculous shit nugget and made my week complete.

And Vanessa Lutz is totally proud of Reese.

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, "This is beyond BEYOND....HILARIOUS!" 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ's lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, "I am an American citzen!" and "You're about to find out who I am!" THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: "I had nothing to do with that."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say "I had nothing to do with that" to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here's Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she's knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here's Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would've put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won't go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that's it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that's not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.

During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she'd be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.

“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.

Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”

Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she's breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn't want to deal with it, she'd give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won't know the difference). I don't see the problem! That's basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.

via Radar

Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I'll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the "America's Sweetheart" sash from Reese's body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:

"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.

It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I'm very sorry for my behavior."

I wonder what "scary situation" Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer's face when she asked him, "Do you know my name?" Yeah, that's totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.

And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the "Do you know who I am?!" line. Sometimes it'll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.

Here's more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter's old suits, because that shit is the look.

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese's husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn't driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim's silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I'm guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn't believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn't do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who's got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the "Do you know who I am?" line is that they'll forever be known as the trick who uses the "Do you know who I am?" line.

And I'm going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I'm also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese's mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch's eyebrows look drunk. That's not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it's cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don't know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan's life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she'll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.

TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.

Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.

But really, who hasn't been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that'll be me this weekend!

Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she's going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy's show Anger Management, she's taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably "lose" her passport or she's going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they're stuck with her ass.

LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah's offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan's internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ's source's name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she's probably exaggerating as usual and by "six-figures" she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.

In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn't think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she's been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn't want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo's throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn't want any booze bottles on the table.

TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.

Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can't do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.

The answer would've been obvious even if I didn't post a picture. Hell, the answer would've been obvious if I asked the question, "Guess who was drunk off her ass today?" The correct answer is always White Oprah!

Seen above just seconds before screaming, "Somebody turn off the spin cycle! The room is spinning too fast," Justin Bieber's newest nemesis showed up to the Rock Love Art Ball in NYC on Tuesday night. The organizers of the event invited White Oprah, because they got an extra tax write-off if they gave a hot meal and a bottle of booze to the needy. White Oprah acted exactly how you would expect White Oprah to act at any event. She was a drunken, embarrassing mess.

A source tells the NYDN that White Oprah was shit-faced by the time dinner ended and when the ceremony began and they started passing out awards, she constantly stood up and clapped her hands like a stupid seal on speed. During the live auction, she kept clapping until the auction lady told her that she basically just unknowingly won a bunch of items she can't afford to buy. The source said:

“[She was] clapping and raising her hands in the air. This prompted the auction leader to call out to her, ‘Ma’am, I have to remind you, when I see your hands above your eyebrows it means that you are bidding.’ She told her to stop jiggling around.”

Jiggling around? Why am I picturing a drunken White Oprah (that's redundant, I know) dancing on her chair while jiggling her titties around? If the auction leader was smart, she would've went into the hall, ripped a fire extinguisher from off the wall and auctioned that off. Everyone at that event would've emptied their wallets to buy that fire extinguisher, so they could've turned it on White Oprah's messy ass.

And here's the many drunken faces of W.O.

TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It's like something you'd find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It's a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn't.

TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo's friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she's acting insane again. They're afraid that if she's always high, she won't be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo's crazy ass called her son's school in a panic, because he didn't make it home and she was convinced the bus didn't drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must've eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.

That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn't know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn't come to the unveiling of Kim's nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor's daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, "So I guess I'll just keep Kennedy overnight." Taylor then said something like, "Oh, she's with you?" The dumb bitch didn't know where her daughter was!

Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.

If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I'd have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I'd lose them all the time. A week wouldn't go by without me saying, "Hey, where's #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I'm not going to drive all the way back there. He'll be fine, it's about time he make it on his own anyway." But that's why I don't have 14 kids!