Would You Hit It?

And "I'd hit it with a chilled fire extinguisher" answers need not apply! Here's Olympic gold medalist Shaun White ejaculating lighter fluid all over his flaming snowboard for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

If Billy Mays ricocheted down from heaven, grabbed Carrot Top, wrung the roid juice out of him, scrubbed the skank stain off his skin using sandpaper covered in OxiClean, and then switched his face with Frances McDormand's (pause - breath - pause) the finished product would look just like Shaun White. So yeah, I'd hit it.

If you're titties smell like burnt sugar after looking at this picture, tell them to simmer down now! This is not a picture of Mel Gibson. This is Antonio Banderas strolling around Barcelona yesterday afternoon. Yes, Billy Goat Brad's "homeless conspiracy theorist" look is spreading to the other men of Hollywood!

Antonio has a good reason for why he's got granny's muff on his face. Antonio's beard is slowly growing up his face and will soon cover his eyes to protect him from the sight of Melanie Griffith. NO! The beard is for a movie role.

And yes, I'd hit it in a pool full of Nair.

This picture of Ryan, the son of Tamra from The Really Plastic HoWives of Orange County, really has me scratching my life ring in confusion. I don't know whether to reach for my rape whistle, or reach for the Lubriderm (I'm out of lube). I'm leaning towards the former since Ryan's eyes still make me feel like I need to call the teen crisis hotline and ask for Brenda Walsh.

Here's another picture of Ryan, courtesy of Guys with iPhones, looking like the freshest pussycat in the prison yard.

So this is what Dr. Drew Peensky is hiding under those Geoffrey Beene button-downs and Izod ties! Dr. Drew is trying to give a bitch a sex addiction around here. Genitals everywhere want their fix! Now we know what his game is. I mean, who could ever resist this. You just want to pinch his pink nipples with your ass lips. If you don't know that trick yet, I'll be teaching a class on it at the Learning Annex over the holidays.

Here's Dr. Drew keeping it sexy in Hawaii over the weekend.

On Today this morning, Matt Lauer dressed up as a former gay twink power bottom porn star who now works as a third-tier Luke Skywalker impersonator at children's birthday parties (aka Bruno). Oh, and to answer my question, DUH! But I'd just let him slap one of the cheeks with his light saber. That's it.

As you can tell, all of the hos on the Today show dressed up as Star Wars characters for Halloween. Meredith Vieira was Princess Leia, Hoda was Yoda, Al Roker was Hans Solo, Kathie Lee Gifford was C-3DrunkHo, Ann Curry was Darth Vader and Natalie Morales was Padme.

Katie Couric's old colonoscopy footage was supposed to be Jabba the Hutt, but there were scheduling conflicts. And Gary Coleman dressed up as one of the Ewoks. A check is a check, and he has to keep his ginge bride happy with sugar cubes and organic carrots.

Brad Pitt arrived in San Sebastian, Spain today for the film festival there with Benji's multi-colored ass bush on his face. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a good beard. During fuck times, it can exfoliate the skin between your nalgas. But Brad's beard is a completely a different story.

Pepaw needs to take a Flowbee to that mess, because it's getting a little too wild. It makes me think about what his crotch area must be like. It's probably like the second coming of the Amazon down there. It's a good thing St. Angie's vagina can cut through almost any wooded area.

That being said, I'd still hit it while watching Thelma & Louise.

Jeremy Piven is so brave. After nearly DYING (not really) from the fish flu (aka mercury poisoning), Jeremy brought his deflated titties out to hang out near the fish. No, I'm not talking about the trick he's with, I'm talking about him being so close to the ocean.

You know, Jeremy needs to calm down on the waxing shit. I know he wants a chest as smooth as a baby's taint, but it looks like he's going too far. I mean, some of his chest skin is missing! Bitch is waxing it right off! And his chichis look mighty weepy, because they are sick of being nekkid all the time. They want some damn privacy.

That being said, I'd hit that shit in a tub full of NADS. WELL, Jeremy Piven is the most popular guess of many kinky blind items, so I'd want to see if that shit is true. Call it investigative reporting!

Crunk + Disorderly posted few quotes from an interview rapper Lil' Boosie did with TSS and well... um...ugh.. well.... Just read for yourself:

TSS: What’s your craziest female on the road story?

Lil’ Boosie: One time a girl was giving me head and she threw up on me.

TSS: (Laughs!!!) Wait a minute. What? What the hell happened?

Lil’ Boosie: Nothing. We were in the room and she was giving me head and I thought it was too far down her throat and she did like this [gagging noise] and it just came out everywhere on me. I just grabbed that motherfucker by her hair and then just ran to the bathroom.

TSS: Alright–

Lil’ Boosie: But guess what though? I went back because I hadn’t gotten my nut after I wiped off. That made me more ready.

TSS: So wait, you let her keep giving you head!?

Lil’ Boosie: After I wiped up and got it clean with that Irish Springs, I had to catch my nut so I let her go on and go back. I made her brush her teeth.

TSS: …

Lil’ Boosie: And we be sticking pill up girl’s booty too!

TSS: Ok look, now I heard on the mixtape with Hurricane Chris, you mentioned that. What’s up with that?

Lil’ Boosie: Yea, it kicks in after 20 seconds. It hits them in 20 seconds.

TSS: How does someone even find that out?

Lil’ Boosie: I get it from my cousin. He did it to a few girls way back in the game. And it just took off. I put it in a song. Everything I put in a song, I’ve tried it. So I put it in her booty hole and it melted. It melts in their booty hole and it hits them in 20 seconds. You never know what they’re gonna do. They may break out crying talking about their momma doesn’t love them or something. It hit them in the booty hole good. The booty is like eating the pill.

TSS: Then they start throwing up?

Lil’ Boosie: Naw, she was off that Goose and Patron. I didn’t put one in her booty. It was Goose and Patron.

I love how Lil' Boosie it making it sound like that chick choked, because his dick was so big. The real story is that homegirl had a moment of clarity and realized whose cock was she was slurping on. However, puking on the peen really is a right of passage for all drunk sluts. Welcome to the club, girl.

And "The booty is like eating the pill" is the phrase that pays for the day. I mean, kids are already sticking vodka tampons and beer bongs up their holes and now ecstasy pills?! I guess the mouth on your face just isn't good enough anymore. Doing butt sex with a pill does not sound fun, though. It probably makes your asshole look like an old person trying to grit their gums. Not a good look.

Truth is, I'm only posting these pictures of Cisco Adler with his piece in Malibu, because it gives me yet another reason to link to (SAFE FOR EVERYONE.... I'm lying...NSFW) a picture of his Slinky sacks. Every pair of eyeballs on this planet must view Cisco's looooong "hamsters in a hammock" nutsack at least TWICE (double your displeasure).

To answer my own question, yes, I'd hit it. Well, I want to see those things in action. But I wouldn't let him hit it from the back. Those things could wrap around and bust one of my eyes out or punch me in the stomach. Actually, it's probably best that you wear a full-body armor suit (with a hole for your fuck part) when taking on Cisco's wrecking ballsack.

And if 10-mile long balls aren't your thing, I also threw in some pictures of Jockey-lover Gavin Rossdale on the same beach as Cisco.

South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe...she has semen in her name...hehehe) won the gold in the women's 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she's really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.

Officials say they don't believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a "medical condition." Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven't said what will happen if she's got a peen and a pooner.

Caster's daddy told a South African paper, "She is my little girl. ... I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."

You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn't slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It's that easy.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I've got an active imagination. Let's do this.