Would You Hit It?

In case you've been telling yourself that you really need to see Souleye's bare nipples today, here he is strolling in Orange County, CA with Alanis Morrisette's pregnant ass. And yes, I'd hit it on ten thousand spoons while holding a black fly.

You should answer "yes" because he'd hit you. Specifically, with a 1996 Ford Winstar minivan. Okay, okay, nevermind the fact that Jesse Thornhill here was arrested for allegedly trying to run over his landlord with a minivan. Let's be honest, you've done worse. But would you? In my old age I've developed this thing called "standards" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!), so I'd have to pass.

It's not because he's possibly a psychopath with murderous tendencies. No, no, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the way he looks. I mean, where are you supposed to sit?! Are you supposed to ride his crotch, or are you supposed to fuck yourself with one of his head nipples? It's confusing! Any slut doing his peen won't be able to stop themselves from sucking off the dick head on his forehead. And vice versa! Actually, since I put it that way.....

via The Smoking Gun (Thanks to all who sent this in)

This is not something I thought I'd ever see and I have felt some shit while listening to "Just Another Day." This is 47-year-old Jon Secada flexing his veins and popping that apricot Fashion Fair lip gloss at a Chippendale's event in Las Vegas last night.

Who knew that Jon was hiding some juiced-up Jersey Shore shit underneath his white linen shirt. Bitch is looking like a dehydrated roid daddy who can't fall asleep unless a whitening strip is lounging on top of his teeth, but I still would. WELL, I told you I felt some things while listening to "Just Another Day" and you can use his lip gloss as lube.

Believe it or not, this is not a picture of Tommy Girl trolling The Ramble for a piece to feed to his Scientolohole. This is Tommy on the set of a commercial for ESPN showing us that when he waxes the dead Thetans off his body his chest follicles come off too. And to answer my own question, XENU NO! If you hit that, you would wake up in a Scientology sauna barfing the glib out of your system. That might sound sexy on paper, but you know it's not.

Here's more pictures of Tommy and Cameron Diaz on the set yesterday. In case you need a palate cleanser, I threw in some pictures of Simon Baker summoning the panty pudding in Monte Carlo. Oh, how I just want to slide around one of his golden locks.

No, this is not Amy Wino without her crackhive on. It's Hank Azaria as Gargamel on the NYC set of The Smurfs.

You know, Gargamel actually fits in on the streets of Manhattan. Dude looks like a regulary hipster junkie who will bother your ass for a quarter, a rock or a light. Speaking of, why are crackheads always asking me for a light when I don't even have a cigarette in my hand? Whenever I see a stumbling mess coming towards me, I just know they are going to ask me if I have a cigarette and a lighter. I don't even smoke! Wait. Are those bitches trying to make a fag and flamer joke by asking me for a cigarette and a light? Okay, I get it now.

Here's more of Hank with Ali Lohan brows in NYC today. Just for the record, yes, I'd hit it while shaving his brows and painting new ones on with a bright blue Sharpie.

Here's Jon Bon Jovi and his chest fur twinkling in the sunlight while hanging out by the pool in Miami yesterday afternoon. You know, there's thousands of middle-aged Bon Jovi groupies (aka BJers) in New Jersey busting gallons of panty pudding (smells like E&J Gallo and the turnpike in July) in their cubicles over these pictures of JBJ. Productivity in New Jersey just hit an all-time low...and that's saying a lot.

And yes, I would hit it on a slippery surface, because JBJ comes prepared to battle (see his sessy sneakers). Bitch keeps his feet strapped, so you don't have to worry about him slipping and breaking your ass bone when he's hitting from the back.

More specifically, would you let him eat it? This is a video tutorial of Dr. Steve Rooster showing the class how he licks the vagina on his Real Doll several times a day.

Obviously, I don't know the first thing about the art of cunnilingus, but is the vagina supposed to grow fingers and fuck your mouth like that? Also, are you supposed to just let the snatch hang out there while you finger and lick your hand on the side? Does that make a vagina tingle?

That being said, I'd totally hit it. Well, he said "I love you" at the beginning. The dude is a total romantic.

via Buzzfeed

Steven Tyler is looking piping fucking hot, right? No, unfortunately this isn't Steven Tyler in a two-piece. It's The Real Housewives of NYC's Kelly Bensimon taking a break from jogging in the middle of traffic to bake her leather strips in Miami! Just give her a club, and she'd look like a caveman on the hunt for a baby mammoth to chew on or a randy woman to bear his children. Grunt.

And no, I would not hit it, but Jesse James would. Specifically, Jesse James would hit a tattooed stripper on top of Kelly Bensimon. You know, because Jesse James has a thing for doing the dirty on leather sofas.

Yes, Marky Mark dropped his six-pack and picked up a bag of beer instead for his new role as an Irish boxer in The Fighter. Marky must be serious about keeping his moobs lush and luscious, because he has employed a full-time Diddy-approved umbrella holder. Marky is not about to let a few drops of sweat shrink his current titty situation.

And yes, I'd still hit while screaming the lyrics to Good Vibrations (I'm sure he gets that a lot). Truthfully, I think I prefer Marky this way. Sometimes when you're getting it on with a trick who has a body like a He-Man action figure, it makes you want put down the éclair you're holding (yes, I always eat éclairs during fucky times) and pick up a Wii Fit Controller.

And "I'd hit it with a chilled fire extinguisher" answers need not apply! Here's Olympic gold medalist Shaun White ejaculating lighter fluid all over his flaming snowboard for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

If Billy Mays ricocheted down from heaven, grabbed Carrot Top, wrung the roid juice out of him, scrubbed the skank stain off his skin using sandpaper covered in OxiClean, and then switched his face with Frances McDormand's (pause - breath - pause) the finished product would look just like Shaun White. So yeah, I'd hit it.