Would You Hit It?

Why did I think Kanye West had major body underneath his clothes? It's like meeting a hot bitch at a bar and thinking they are all ripped under their clothes. You go home with them only to find out that their body looks like something out of an Easy Bake Oven. Total and utter letdown. But that still doesn't stop you from riding that shit until it pops.

And for such a cocky bitch, Kanye has such teensy weensy nipples. Baby nippies. He needs to moisturize his nipples daily with Nipout! It doesn't work on ass lips though. So.....I've heard.

With all that being said, I'D HIT IT! Yes, in all caps. That's how Kanye likes it.

It's Gordon "You Stupid Donkey" Ramsey! Speaking of donkeys, Gordon is not hung like one. A baby donkey, maybe. A fetus donkey? Yeah, that's more like it.

I think we finally found Ashley Tisdale's old nose! It's in Gordon's speedo. And yes, I'd let him go balls deep. Actually, I'd let him go balls in, because something tells me the peen just won't be enough.

Here's Josh Holloway from "Lost" with fakey tattoos on the set of some movie yesterday. No, it's not "The KFed Story." He's doing some shit called "Stay Cool" with Winona Ryder. He better get an extra-secure safe for his trailer.

I don't care if that ponytail was sticking out of his asshole, I'd still hit it. I'd hit it in the back, in the front, to the side, diagonal, upside down, topsy turvy, it doesn't matter! I'd let that bitch go balls deep, balls in, whatever it takes. He could call me "Peaches" if he wanted to. Fuck, he could call me "Tina" too. Anything.

He could even bend you over the dining table, hit it from the back, and dust off your chandelier with that little ponytail. Two birds....

What in seaweed hell happened to Gary Dourdan from CSI?! This bitch must be on the bad shit if he really thinks he can pull off a speedo. He could have at least spared the children by wearing a tankini to cover up some of his nastiness. Too much information.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, he used to be hot and I have an active imagination. I'd have to remove all the mirrors from the room, turn off the lights, blast some Al Green and let him hit it from the back only, but I'd still make it happen.

Scream "YES!!!!" from your cubicle or wherever you are, because you know you would hit that shit in a flash. You would sweat on that oldie!

Everyone knows that if you let Richard Simmons stick the tip in, you'll live forever. Not only will you live forever, but you'll shit rainbows too.

Here's happiest homo in all the land outside of "The Late Show" last night.

Did Cristiano Ronaldo baste himself in Vaseline, Crisco and Wesson? Whatever hair he had on his legs is fucking gone. He fried that shit right off. I think I'm getting skin cancer just by looking at these pictures.

That being said, I'd hit it. Wait, does too much sun make your dick shrink? What do I care? I'd still hit it even if he does have a hermie-peen.

I'm not going to lie. I'd hit it. Only because he gave us an amazing mug shot and he should be rewarded for that. I'd have to soak his ass in RID, but I've done worse for a piece. Anylice, the star of this amazing mug shot is 47-year-old Robert Martin of NJ. Bitch doesn't look that haggard for 47, right? I'm joking...sort of.

Robbie was arrested for some stupid shit! The police busted him after they received complaints over naked Barbies, ladies panties and porn magazines sprawled out in Robbie's car. The dumb whores who complained think he was laying it out for everyone to see, like a shrine. Robbie frequently parks his car at the Ocean View Service Plaza and over the course of a couple of weeks the complaints came pouring in. That shit ain't right.

He was arrested on Wednesday morning and charged with maintaining a public nuisance. He was also charged with possession of a weapon, because the cops found a shank in his car. A shank? I'm in love.

Robbie said, "It was not on public display, it was not a public shrine. The only regret I do have is probably having the Barbie doll up on the dashboard. Being topless, maybe that drew some attention."

Robbie, you can display your naked Barbie on my dashboard anytime.

Thanks Gisela

What in Hobie hell happened to Jeremy Jackson?! Do you remember this bitch? He played The Hoff's twink son Hobie on "Baywatch." That explains everything, right? The meth stick obviously hit this bitch right in the face.

This crazy bitch was arrested when he was 19 because the cops found a meth lab in his house! 27-year-old Jeremy is sober now. Yes, he's 27. He may look like a chewed-up Slim Jim, but he still looks younger than Ali Lohan.

The red in his eye is probably his pupil crying blood tears after seeing Jeremy's face in the mirror.

With all that being said, yes I'd hit it. Wait, I know he has meth face, but do you think he has meth dick too?

Here's Jeremy with some tramp at the opening of Christian Audigier's club in Las Vegas last night. I also threw in some pictures of Bai Ling, because her extreme glamour should never go unnoticed.

Two words: FUCK YES! And if you say you wouldn't hit it, you are lie-telling. Majorly lie-telling.

Here's Pharrell Williams performing with the rest of N.E.R.D at the Roter Salon in Berlin on Friday night.

Glory be to Phoebe Price! I can finally say with confidence that I WOULD NOT hit it. No way, no ho (typo, but it's staying).

Here's Matt Damon on set of "The Informant" in Hawaii. Bitch looks like a born-again child toucher with a flatulence problem. Child touchers say "flatulence," we say fart.

Wait.....maybe Matt Damon's new look has something to do with Ben and Jen's possible split? I always knew Ben loved a little cushion for the pushin'.