Would You Hit It?

Now you know what Liam Neeson looks like in the morning when his half-naked ass rolls out of bed to take a start of the day caca on his porcelain throne. (Or maybe he's taking a start of the day piss, because he's still too tired in the body to stand. Story of my AM life.)

Liam Neeson knows that one of the best ways to find a cure for breast cancer is to strip down to his pink panties, so that's exactly what he did on Ellen yesterday. Liam took off his pink robe, plumped up his 60-year-old chest cutlets, sat down and waited for an audience member's ball to make it rain all over his body. I'm totally disappointed that Liam didn't do the Flashdance back arch while a tsunami fell on his head. Watch him in action, and yes, I'm pretty sure his toilet at home looks just like that.

And DUH, I'd hit it. Liam supposedly has an Evian bottle dick and I have a recycling dumpster b-hole, so it's a match! My ass will even spit up 5 cents afterward.

via EW

In case you missed Joseph Gordon-Levitt's chicken cordon bleu man titties flopping up and down, here he is impregnating the floor during his Ode to Magic Mike performance on SNL last night. I know JGL has been grown for a long time now, but it still surprises me that that he no longer has the body of a skinny ass 10-year-old boy (or like Parasite Hilton) and that his luscious chichis have grown in. Getting the tingles from watching JGL butt fuck the air made me realize that I'd probably also get the tingles from watching an evil spirit being passed into the body of a terrified chicken during an exorcism ritual, because that's what he looked like.

With that being said, I'd still hit it even though when I saw GIFs of this early this morning I thought it was Billy Bush.

And click here for a better version that doesn't make you feel like you're looking at it through a broken View-Master.

Here's mega man slut Jim Carrey in Malibu yesterday with a girl who isn't his daughter and looks so damn young she probably gets carded while trying to buy Gatorade. You nasty ole' bitch, Jim. Jim's new piece is probably all happy to be dating him, because she gets to drive in fancy cars, eat fancy foods in fancy restaurants and drink fancy drinks on the fancy side of Malibu. But wait until Jim throws a ginger wig on her head and makes her recite all of Emma Stone's lines from Easy A while he tongues her belly button. There's a price to pay for everything!

And, duh, I'd hit it. Look at those snow cone titties. You know how when you're making meringue (because you're ALWAYS making meringue) and the instructions say to whip until soft peaks form? That's what Jim's man chichis look like. Soft peaks in a bowl. So yeah, I'd hit it. But just try not to look at his torso if you're ever on top, because it does have a face and sometimes its face looks like it's judging you.

Here's Victoria's Secret angel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo looking like you want to buy a vowel from his ass, because he looks like Pat Sajak if Pat Sajak's toupee was made out of bloated guinea pigs. Leonardo drowned the top of his head in a bowl of Nice 'N Easy and rubbed his face on a plate of Fashion Fair foundation to play a stockbroker in the 80s in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street. No, The Wolf of Wall Street isn't a sequel to Teen Wolf and isn't about Scott Howard all grown up and working as a stockbroker. I wish.

Leo looks like either a roasted marshmallow in a Wink Martindale wig or like the real-life, freshly shaven version of that gorgeously restored Jesus Christ portrait.  So based on those descriptions alone, I'd hit it. Yes.

No, this isn't the old man from Up after Charlie Sheen-izing himself by getting a blood transfusion from tigers. This is Corey Feldman and his color-coordinated skanks looking like Charlie Sheen on a budget at will.i.am's album release party in L.A. the other night. I like that Corey is still growing out that front rattail. If you're ever in the presence of Corey and you get the faints from being that close to his chiffon-covered nipples, you can grab that rattail so you won't fall backwards and break your head open. Corey is always thinking of you.

And no, I would not hit it today, tomorrow or today and tomorrow in my next life. How can I bump taints with a trick who wears one of Blanche Devereaux's blouses and doesn't have the style smarts to know that you should only wear it with a black lace camisole, sequined harem pants, gold gladiator sandals and a white leather clutch. And I bet his pits don't even smell like Jean Naté. If you're going to wear a horny old lady's blouse at least have the decency to wear it all the way.

To answer the question in your head (the question being, "How can I say I'll hit it, if I don't even know what it's name is?"), like that has stopped you before, slut. But no, this is Dominic Cooper who was in Mamma Mia!, that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter mess and My Week with Marilyn. Dominic also licked on the minge on Amanda Seyfried's foot for a little while. Here's Dominic and his girlfriend Ruth Negga hanging out at a pool in Italy today. And yes, I'd hit it. But I have a more important question...

Dominic sort of looks like a human French Bulldog to me. So let's say a witch turned a French Bulldog into Dominic Cooper right in front of me. Would it be wrong of me to hit it if I knew he was a French Bulldog just two seconds beforehand? Because if it is wrong, then no, I wouldn't... Oh, who am I fooling, I'd do it either way. I mean, if those shapeshifter-fuckers on True Blood do it....

I was going to write words about how the cops found a water bottle full of booze in the trunk of Lindsay Lohan's Porsche after the crash (FYI: It's not illegal in CA to have an open container of the sweet nectar in your trunk.), but why talk about that mess AGAIN when we can stare at the lightning bolt veins on Milo Ventimiglia's body instead. I know, at first I thought that was a lost still of Demi Moore in G.I. Jane or a Photoshopped picture of Tommy Girl at the boys only Scientology summer picnic. But nope, it's that dude on Heroes who used to have troll sex with Hayden Pantywhatevers. 

Milo pumped his way to a body full of muscles for That's My Boy. I used to think that the only way I'd see That's My Boy is if a zombie was chasing me and the theater I ran into to get away from it happened to be playing that shit show. But now they've given me a reason to see that mess. (Okay, they STILL haven't given me a reason to see that mess unless the theater puts a naked Milo Ventimiglia on every seat.)

And duh, I'd hit it. Does a bear shit popes in the woods (or whatever that saying is)? I'd even hit it while reading the 6,900,312th LiLo story of the day. Oh, and about that water bottle of booze.... Carrying the sweet nectar in a water bottle is so tacky! That is some shit you do in junior high school. Everyone knows that all refined and classy adults carry their booze in a Wine Rack. Grown up, Blohan!

You're probably thinking, "But what is IT?!" Please, like your slut ass is ever choosy. No, this isn't a still from the remake of G.I. Jane starring Madonna. This is DUI-getting, titty-boxing, "We have to go back to the island"-shouting Matthew Fox from Lost. Yeah, this Matthew Fox:

Matthew Fox put muscles on his muscles to play a cage-fighting crazed murderer in Alex Cross. If you dipped Matthew Fox in Tang smegma, he could also play Hulk Hogan's peen in a movie. If you stuffed Matthew's chest with two rubber medicine balls, A-Rod would totally chew that ass up. I swear, if one of Madge's roided-up arms yanked itself off her body and ran off to become an MMA fighter, it would look like Matthew Fox. I bet sucking on Matthew's shredded peen would be like trying to chew on a piece of gristle without your teeth on.

And to answer my question, no, I wouldn't hit it. Well, the bitch hits back and in the titty area, nonetheless.

When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco's character in the feature film version of TruTV's Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:

It's the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1's From G's to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn't take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips.

When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don't see the "rapper" Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I'm trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman's True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it!

Who knew that James Franco could pull off the "middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit" look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco's peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches.

And let's just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce.

Here's Shia LaDouche running all over Venice, CA yesterday afternoon while looking like an Amish hipster who is spending his rumspringa working as a roadie on the Bon Iver tour. This whole look is a scraggly, raggedy mess and none of it goes together. That slicked black ponytail belongs on a pervy comic book store clerk who spends his lunch hour jerking off into a coffee cup before trying to give it to unsuspecting people on the street (tip: don't take free coffee from Shia). That beard belongs on a bear's ass after it got a full body Ogilvie home perm. Those earphones belong in a Hazmat dumpster, because you know they're covered in ear barf since Shia doesn't wash in there.

I love a big, bushy beard, because it will scrub the dead skin and pimples off of your butt cheeks while you sit on its owner's face, but I wouldn't hit it. How can I hit a piece who obviously stole my abuelita's house cardigan?