Would You Hit It?

It shames me to admit that during Saved By The Bell's run, I was more into AC Slater than Zack Morris, but in my defense, I didn't know then that he was an enema bottle wrapped in a maxi pad wrapped in a poodle mullet ("Since when did that stop you?" - you). But now, Zack Morris is clearly the hottest SBTB dude. Just like one's ability to not give a shit, Mark-Paul Gosselaar gets better and strong with age. MPG made nips get moist a couple of years ago when he (NSWF link) humped on Mary-Louise Parker in Weeds and here he is making genitals scream "I'm so excited! I'm so excited!" while shooting a scene for Franklin & Bash in Malibu yesterday.

Yes, I'd hit it (even when he's looking like this) and the same goes for his co-stars Reed Diamond and the skateboarding stoner from Clueless. And I see you in the corner of there, Tan Mom. You better put a top on and slowly back away from MPG.

Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we're all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt's silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he's making a constipation face. You're monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that's because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It's almost like The Situation's life story. If there's a scene in JGL's movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.

Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is "a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That's why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It's a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious."

Blah blah blah blah.... Doesn't JGL know that you don't sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!

To answer my question in the headline, yes, I'd hit it and I'd hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.

In case you don't know who this is, I'll give you five possible answers:

a) Samantha Ronson in 20 years
b) The sixth place winner in a Billy Idol look-alike contest at a bar in Manchester
c) A Hot Topic assistant manager dressed in Guy Fieri cosplay
d) A volunteer model from Billie Joe Armstrong's School of Beauty
e) Ethan Hawke

Any of those answers work, but the real answer is Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke worked a bleached mop and Urban Decay eyeliner while posing with his cast mates and the playwright at the opening night of the play Clive in NYC last night. Yes, I'd hit it. And I'd hit it extra hard if you told me that Ethan's carpet matches his bleached drapes. I am all for blond pubes with black roots.

Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj's head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn't replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler  made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.

Here's Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:

And I know Steven Tyler's got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.

via Daily Mail 

No, this isn't Lucius Malfoy's emotionally damaged drifter younger brother who has repeatedly been arrested for jacking off into coin slots of pay phones and who's been kicked out of Macy's for oinking at women as they change in the dressing room. This is Benedict Cumberbatch as Wikileaks founder and alleged rapist Julian Assange in the movie The Fifth Estate, which also stars Daniel Brühl (below), Laura Linney and Anthony Mackie.

The things that Slytherin bob are doing to his face. Looking at that picture is making me want to file a police report and scrub my skin with a Chore Boy. And that's exactly how I feel when I look at a picture of Julian Assange, so Bennigans Cumcatcher totally nailed it!

And no, I would not hit it. I can't even fap to it and that's saying EVERYTHING.

Here's Wilmer Vlderrama checking in with his comrade PedoBear to see if any new fresh meat has strolled out of the Disney studio. Wilmer stuffed his self-proclaimed 8-inch meat snake into some swim shorts to sashay around the beach in Miami yesterday. To answer my own headline, no, I would not hit that. Slap Wilmer's crotch sausage on a bed of chocolate nachos and I still wouldn't hit it. I'm crazy and neurotic enough. Wilmer's extra long cachito dick makes hos go crazy. Exhibit A and B: Lindsay Lohan and Demi Lovato. Wilmer sticks the tip in, and years later you're gargling on Charlie Sheen's soggy fish balls for a check.

Wilmer's dick is the gateway to Crazy Town. Just....no.

No, this isn't a picture of Madonna performing "Express Yourself" during her MDNA tour. It's The Rock flexing all ten million muscles in his ropa vieja legs. The Rock tweeted this picture of his fetus hatching thighs to his followers with the note:

Sometimes the most important victories are just for yourself. LEGS. #5KneeSurgeries #RupturedDiscs #StillFindAWay

For once, I can actually smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like deep fried chicken gristle, boiled Muscle Milk, frothy sweat, jerkyfied leg veins, chili pork rinds and raw carne asada. That's the opposite smell of my daily workout which smells like piña colada lube, nectarine-scented Kleenex, raw cinnamon roll dough and desperation.

And yes, I'd hit it even though he'd probably break my taint bone and fracture my hip bone when we scissored.

via TooFab

Here's David Arquette on the Detroit set of his new movie Orion wearing almost the same slut-blocking chain harness that LeAnn Rimes makes Eddie Cibrian wear under his clothes whenever he leaves the house without her. David tweeted this picture and thanked his trainer for putting muscles and veins on his body and helping him make his thighs look like two whole turkeys stuffed with loaves of bread.

Marjory the Trash Heap just dragged this picture straight into the fap file on her desktop. You know every hoarder is fapping to this too. This is what it would look like if the Folsom Street Fair took place in the middle of a Junkyard War for some reason.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about David Arquette looking like this. Yes, I'd hit it on a broken toilet in the middle of a junkyard, but I'd feel really weird about it afterward.

via E! 

As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It's nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith's feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole's concrete forehead.

Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I'd still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.

And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she's working. The resemblance is uncanny and I'm sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue's forehead.

Either Jude Law is smuggling a cremini mushroom in his swim trunks or his peen head is pressed up against his shorts and is giving the cameras some FACE. If I tilt my head to the side, I think I can see it saying "prune" to the cameras.

Here's Jude Law making a "Get in mah belly!" pose (or maybe he's making a "Say hello to my little friend" pose) while doing vacation stuff in the South of France over the weekend. Yes, Jude Law is a million worlds away from looking like the girl-faced Twinkie from Wilde, but this is what happens when dozens of birthdays go by. The beef comes on and hair starts growing out of your asshole. So with that being said, I so would. How can you say no to a piece who's got a mutton chop beard, a puzzle piece hairline and a hairy tit stache?

And if you're ever riding on Jude Law and can't take your eyeballs off of his chichis swaying to and fro, the hairy arrow on his body will remind you that his eyes are up there.