Would You Hit It?

On Today this morning, Matt Lauer dressed up as a former gay twink power bottom porn star who now works as a third-tier Luke Skywalker impersonator at children's birthday parties (aka Bruno). Oh, and to answer my question, DUH! But I'd just let him slap one of the cheeks with his light saber. That's it.

As you can tell, all of the hos on the Today show dressed up as Star Wars characters for Halloween. Meredith Vieira was Princess Leia, Hoda was Yoda, Al Roker was Hans Solo, Kathie Lee Gifford was C-3DrunkHo, Ann Curry was Darth Vader and Natalie Morales was Padme.

Katie Couric's old colonoscopy footage was supposed to be Jabba the Hutt, but there were scheduling conflicts. And Gary Coleman dressed up as one of the Ewoks. A check is a check, and he has to keep his ginge bride happy with sugar cubes and organic carrots.

Brad Pitt arrived in San Sebastian, Spain today for the film festival there with Benji's multi-colored ass bush on his face. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a good beard. During fuck times, it can exfoliate the skin between your nalgas. But Brad's beard is a completely a different story.

Pepaw needs to take a Flowbee to that mess, because it's getting a little too wild. It makes me think about what his crotch area must be like. It's probably like the second coming of the Amazon down there. It's a good thing St. Angie's vagina can cut through almost any wooded area.

That being said, I'd still hit it while watching Thelma & Louise.

Jeremy Piven is so brave. After nearly DYING (not really) from the fish flu (aka mercury poisoning), Jeremy brought his deflated titties out to hang out near the fish. No, I'm not talking about the trick he's with, I'm talking about him being so close to the ocean.

You know, Jeremy needs to calm down on the waxing shit. I know he wants a chest as smooth as a baby's taint, but it looks like he's going too far. I mean, some of his chest skin is missing! Bitch is waxing it right off! And his chichis look mighty weepy, because they are sick of being nekkid all the time. They want some damn privacy.

That being said, I'd hit that shit in a tub full of NADS. WELL, Jeremy Piven is the most popular guess of many kinky blind items, so I'd want to see if that shit is true. Call it investigative reporting!

Crunk + Disorderly posted few quotes from an interview rapper Lil' Boosie did with TSS and well... um...ugh.. well.... Just read for yourself:

TSS: What’s your craziest female on the road story?

Lil’ Boosie: One time a girl was giving me head and she threw up on me.

TSS: (Laughs!!!) Wait a minute. What? What the hell happened?

Lil’ Boosie: Nothing. We were in the room and she was giving me head and I thought it was too far down her throat and she did like this [gagging noise] and it just came out everywhere on me. I just grabbed that motherfucker by her hair and then just ran to the bathroom.

TSS: Alright–

Lil’ Boosie: But guess what though? I went back because I hadn’t gotten my nut after I wiped off. That made me more ready.

TSS: So wait, you let her keep giving you head!?

Lil’ Boosie: After I wiped up and got it clean with that Irish Springs, I had to catch my nut so I let her go on and go back. I made her brush her teeth.

TSS: …

Lil’ Boosie: And we be sticking pill up girl’s booty too!

TSS: Ok look, now I heard on the mixtape with Hurricane Chris, you mentioned that. What’s up with that?

Lil’ Boosie: Yea, it kicks in after 20 seconds. It hits them in 20 seconds.

TSS: How does someone even find that out?

Lil’ Boosie: I get it from my cousin. He did it to a few girls way back in the game. And it just took off. I put it in a song. Everything I put in a song, I’ve tried it. So I put it in her booty hole and it melted. It melts in their booty hole and it hits them in 20 seconds. You never know what they’re gonna do. They may break out crying talking about their momma doesn’t love them or something. It hit them in the booty hole good. The booty is like eating the pill.

TSS: Then they start throwing up?

Lil’ Boosie: Naw, she was off that Goose and Patron. I didn’t put one in her booty. It was Goose and Patron.

I love how Lil' Boosie it making it sound like that chick choked, because his dick was so big. The real story is that homegirl had a moment of clarity and realized whose cock was she was slurping on. However, puking on the peen really is a right of passage for all drunk sluts. Welcome to the club, girl.

And "The booty is like eating the pill" is the phrase that pays for the day. I mean, kids are already sticking vodka tampons and beer bongs up their holes and now ecstasy pills?! I guess the mouth on your face just isn't good enough anymore. Doing butt sex with a pill does not sound fun, though. It probably makes your asshole look like an old person trying to grit their gums. Not a good look.

Truth is, I'm only posting these pictures of Cisco Adler with his piece in Malibu, because it gives me yet another reason to link to (SAFE FOR EVERYONE.... I'm lying...NSFW) a picture of his Slinky sacks. Every pair of eyeballs on this planet must view Cisco's looooong "hamsters in a hammock" nutsack at least TWICE (double your displeasure).

To answer my own question, yes, I'd hit it. Well, I want to see those things in action. But I wouldn't let him hit it from the back. Those things could wrap around and bust one of my eyes out or punch me in the stomach. Actually, it's probably best that you wear a full-body armor suit (with a hole for your fuck part) when taking on Cisco's wrecking ballsack.

And if 10-mile long balls aren't your thing, I also threw in some pictures of Jockey-lover Gavin Rossdale on the same beach as Cisco.

South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe...she has semen in her name...hehehe) won the gold in the women's 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she's really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.

Officials say they don't believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a "medical condition." Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven't said what will happen if she's got a peen and a pooner.

Caster's daddy told a South African paper, "She is my little girl. ... I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."

You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn't slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It's that easy.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I've got an active imagination. Let's do this.

Look at that precious mound of melted down ass dildos called a face. Don't you just want to make a fist, kiss it for luck and then punch it? Well, some lucky asshole beat you to it! Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on Constantine Mouralis, because he got his ass beat while defending the honor of our Vicodin Queen: Paula Abdul. But let's laugh anyway, because that's what Paula would do too (after a shot of lude paste and DayQuil).

Gatecrasher says that at Casio's G-Shock party in NYC on Wednesday night, Connie openly professed his love for Paula Abdul and said that he was hoping she would return to American Idol. Well, there was a Paula Abdul hater (aka a hater of all prescription, over-the-counter and internet-bought meds) in the room and this was his cue to have a beat down party on Connie's face. Or maybe the dude isn't a Paula Abdul hater and he just couldn't resist the urge we all feel when we see Connie's beautiful mug.

A witness, who probably wrecked a good pair of panties (send the bill to Connie) while watching this amazing douche battle royale, said, “It was hilarious! Constantine got into it with this guy who was probably 6 inches shorter and 60 pounds lighter. The guy body-slammed him and punched him in the face and then just stood up, straightened his tie, and said, ‘Bitch, don’t you ever.' Security didn’t know what to make of this guy. He was so well-groomed in his suit, and he didn’t look like a threat at all. Constantine was so overwhelmed he just sat there on the floor for a few minutes.”

Hmmm...6 inches shorter, 60 pounds lighter? Skat Kat is that you?! Maybe Paula owes him some money. Seriously, this sounds like a story Paula would tell her friends while completely sober (that's when she's at her crazy crazy craziest), because it doesn't make any sense.

And "Bitch, don't you ever" is the phrase that pays for the day!

Or should I ask, "Would you Nair it?" So...

This is Adrian Grenier taking the baby beaver hiding in his ass crack for a little dip in Miami yesterday! You know, a little fur in the ass alley never bothered me. It gives you something to do when he's hitting it from the front. You can give him a french braid down there or even split 'em into pig tails if you want to give his ass that "naughty schoolgirl" look. And during those cold winter nights, his butt hair can keep your fingers warm and toasty. But if he wants you to toss that salad (with extra butt pube noodles), you better do a dingle check first!

If you answered "yes," then I hope you like a pair of luscious Hello Titties in your mouth, because this isn't some dude who will hit it from the back with his Timbs on. This is really the butterfly stalker herself....MIMI!!!

Mimi is dragging it up as an Eminem-type for her new video Obsessed. You know, because Eminem is obsessed with Mimi. Or maybe she's obsessed with him. Or both. I don't know. I just hope this shit also includes a scene featuring Hello Kitty singing the chorus to her, because that's real 100% organic obsession right there!

And I really feel uncomfortable that my no-no is hitting a 5th octave over this picture of Mimi as Miminem. It's every flavor of NOT RIGHT. My slutiness knows no bounds!

Here's some pictures of Mimi as Mimi looking like a freshly glazed turducken while shooting her video outside of The Plaza hotel in NYC today.

This is a serious question! I know Brad Garrett pisses douchewater and his shit is extra shitty, but the slut gene in my body can't help but tingle every time I see pictures of him. Don't waste your time calling Dr. Drew. I'm not looking to be cured of my adicktion.

Part of me thinks that Brad is hung like a canister vac, but I don't have any proof of this. I know he probably grows hair on his peen lips and his asshole coughs up hairballs, but that's what NADS is for. Spread a little on his dick mouth, squirt a little up his b-hole and there you go! Hair gone.

I bet Brad also grunts, snorts and farts during fucky times. That kind of does things to me. UGH! Maybe you should call Dr. Drew after all.....

Here's Big Foot Brad in Hawaii yesterday with his current bone buddy.