Splits

Chris Kattan and his new wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split up after only 8 weeks of marriage. Okay, let's talk about her name first. Sunshine Tutt?! I don't like that shit. Let's call her Sunny Titts instead. That's better.

Chris' spokesbitch told UsWeekly that the two are "separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time." Sunny Titts and Chris married in California on June 28th after dating for 3 years. They got engaged in 2006.

I'm fucking telling you. Marriage kills everything! Every time a couple is married, a baby bunny dies a painful death. I'm sure of it. Look at Chris and Sunny Titts! They date for 3 long years, get married and two months later - DONE!

Oh, I see what's going on here. Look at Sunny Titts' face in the picture above. She's thinking, "Ahahaha! This fairy monkey actually married me! I'll be rich in exactly 8 weeks!" That warms my black heart. I love it when a gold digger almost completes her mission. I say "almost," because we don't know if there was a prenup. If Sunny Titts signed one, she's dead to me!

Well, they were right. That's if you believe the Daily Mirror. Some ho told them that John Mayer has du-du-dumped Jennifer Aniston because he's not ready to give up his man whore ways. The two apparently tried to make it work by going on a little relationship hiatus. That didn't work, so they called it a day.

The source said, "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. Initially Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she's simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken." Not to mention that he should probably keep his car in the garage for a while. And all his pet bunny rabbits indoors. You know, just in case.

Oh well, it's back to the old maid drawing board for Jenny! The NYDN reports that she's not spending her days cutting out John's face from pictures while screaming the lyrics to "Your Body is a Wonderland." She's apparently already dating someone else. You know, Jenny needs to take a breather and get to know herself. Don't go the Kate Hudson route of flapping her vagina all over town.

Jenny has been to Mayer and Vince Vaughn and anywhere she could run......she's beeeeeen to PITTadise, but she's never been to her. Oh God. I'm sorry for that. That song has been stuck in my head for the past 5 days ever since I watched Priscilla again on TV. I just had to let it out!

Morgan Freeman has more shit to deal with. A close friend of Mr. Freeman confirmed to Access Hollywood that he's getting a divorce from his wife of 24 years, Myrna Colley-Lee. The friend said they have been separated since December 2007. They don't have any children together.

Over the weekend, Morgan was involved a one-car accident in Mississippi. His car went off the side of the road and then flipped. Morgan and his female passenger, Demaris Meyer, were airlifted to a hospital in Memphis. Morgan underwent surgery for a broken arm and elbow. Demaris was treated for her injuries and released. Demaris has been described as a "family friend."

"Family friend" is just a polite way of saying "mistress."

Yeah, I don't believe it. Sienna Miller is like me. We don't have hearts, we have genitals. Our genitals get sad, but our hearts don't. Unless, we watch a melancholy and touching movie involving talking animals. That's a different story. Anywhore, the Daily Mail reports that "heartbroken" Sienna escaped to the Virgin Islands to be with her daddy (her real daddy) after Balthazar Getty flew to Los Angeles to be with his wife and family.

Balthazar is apparently trying to make his marriage work for the sake of his 4 children. His wife, Rosetta, is also interested and agreed to talk to him over the weekend. Rosetta probably took a long, hard look at the prenup and realized she was better off being married to his skeezy ass. A source said, "He was on the phone to Rosetta on and off for two hours, crying and constantly calling and she finally agreed to let him back in the house. In his mind he has definitely dropped Sienna but he's in a very confused state at the moment. His biggest fear is losing his kids."

He can't drop Sienna. She drops him. That's how it works. Besides, he's probably vaginatized.

He told photographers outside of his home, "I can’t comment. When I’m ready, I’ll issue a statement. It’s because of the children." The children! The children! He obviously wasn't thinking of the children when he had his lips on Sienna's skank nipples.

Sienna has apparently been frantically calling and texting Balthazar. A source said she's also going to fly to Los Angeles to try and win him back. No...No...No.... Sienna, don't do that shit. You've had the dick, you've got the cum stains to prove it and now it's to move the fuck on. Besides, Balthazar may never see his share of the Getty fortune. What is the fucking point? Get yourself some dick that pays in the end. Well, "pays in the end" in more ways than one.

C-Rod filed for divorce from A-Rod earlier this month and asked for a bunch of shit including their $12 million Florida home and a big piece of all the cash he made while they were married. C-Rod said A-Rod "emotionally abandoned his wife and children" and their marriage ended because of his "extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct." C-Rod didn't name names in divorce papers, but later said she believed he was having an "affair of the heart" with Vadge.

A-Rod is fighting back. In papers that will be filed today in Miami, A-Rod wants their prenup enforced and for her cheating claims to be removed from the record. Florida is a no-fault divorce state, so A-Rod doesn't have to say why their marriage crashed and burned. According to the NYDN, The papers claim C-Rod and her lawyer agreed to the prenup a month before their wedding.

A-Rod is ready to go to court if C-Rod fights him. He also said that he "has been paying, and will continue to pay ... reasonable and bona fide expenses" for their two daughters.

FUCK! C-Rod did not do her research before getting married. Note to myself: If I'm ever allowed to get married in Florida, DON'T! Another note to myself: Research NO-FAULT states before getting married. Third note to myself: Eat prenup before wedding.

I have a feeling that C-Rod is going to fight dirty. I can't wait for the shit she's going to pull out of her muscled up asshole. Escandalo!

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Don't worry, they'll both have new sluts by the end of the day. They don't like their genitals to get cold.

They started dating back in May and Kate even introduced Lane to her son. A source told UsWeekly, "There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things. There is no hatred, just sadness." No ugliness?! I see a lot of ooooogliness in that picture above.

It's pretty shocking that they lasted thing long. After three months, her vagina stopped accepting his peen and hit nut started to get weepy from having to look at the same poon every day. Basically, their slut alarm let them know that it was time to move on.

Both of them will have to move to another country, because they have already fucked their way through most of this one.

And they said it wouldn't last. Well, they were fucking right. The hairytale (typo, but it stays) romance of "The Bachelor's" Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas has ended. Even Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels could see this coming.

They told People, "We tried hard to make it work but we realized that we were both heading in different directions. We truly care about each other and will remain close friends."

What would be more shocking is if a "Bachelor" couple actually made it past the first year. I blame that fug ass bath puff in Shayne's hair. Anybody who wears a bath puff in their hair has serious emotional problems.

Don't be surprised when ABC announces Shayne as the next "Bachelorette." It's supposed to happen this way. Personally. I'd rather see Shayne's stunning mother, Michele Smith, as the next "Bachelorette."

First things first, WTF is Shayne Lamas wearing in this picture? The Empress of Lucite would not approve of this trash! Did the Chanel Baby outlet store have a "everything must go" sale or something?

Anyway, at the Bachelorette finale, Shayne and Matt told everyone they were still together and to not believe the rumors. Well, here's another rumor for Shayne to deny.

A source told Page Six that Shayne was in Las Vegas last Tuesday with Justin Weneger, some media magnate ho. They were apparently "hooking up" at Blush in the Wynn. A source said, "Matt has no idea. She hasn't dumped him yet."

Shayne needs to end her fake relationship with Matt, so that she can become the next "Bachelorette" and find her next fake boyfriend. My Monday nights haven't been the same without hearing Shayne coo, "Oh my god. I love you soooooooo much" at least once.

Sarah Silverman is no longer fucking Jimmy Kimmel. The two have broken up after 5 years of being chained to each other. And I thought they were going to last forever! Who the hell is going to date them now?

Jimmy's spokesbitch told People, "Jimmy and Sarah have and will have no further comment." Wha?! Not even a joke. What the hell kind of break-up statement is that? They should have at least made a crack that they broke up because Jimmy can't stop pooping the bed or because Sarah really did fuck Matt Damon.

She's totally going to go gayelle now. You know it.

Mega man-whore Anthony Kiedis and his chick of 3 years, Heather Christie, have thrown in the towel. Wait, does that towel still have Anthony's sweat on it, because if it does, hand it over. Anyway, People reports that they split in June.

Heather, a 22-year-old ex-model, is also the mother of his son, Everly Bear. I've always loved that name. It sounds like the missing Care Bear who spent his life being a groupie for the Everly Brothers. We should all name our kids after Care Bears. I'm taking Funshine Bear, so don't even think of it.

Heather told People, "Anthony is a great dad and I will love him forever for giving me the gift of life. I really hope he finds what he's looking for." She also forgot to thank him for giving her a serious case of herpes. I'm joking (I think).

Anthony won't stay single for long. I'm sure he'll be linked to some teenage child model any day now.

And I wonder who got to keep their optometrist? You can't share the same optometrist when you break up. That's just gross.