Papa Joe won't be spending his afternoon in a bubble bath with his Crazy Daisy Love Doll like usual, because he'll be too busy begging Nick Lachey to get back together with Jessica Simpson so they can shoot another reality show together called Newlyweds: Once More With Feeling. Papa Joe knows that Jessica will have to find another way of staying relevant now that Tony Romo has dumped her ass after almost two years together.
A source said that Tony pink-slipped Jessica the night before her birfday. I guess that's one way of getting out of buying her ass a present.
Jessica was planning a Barbie and Ken-themed party for her birthday (and there's the reason why Tony quit her ass), but canceled it. The source went on to say, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."
Jessica took a break from drowning her sorrows in sheet cake (Jennifer Aniston already ate the country's supply of packaged cookie dough), to Twitter a little bit. Last night, she wrote: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." A few hours later, she added: "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."
What she really meant is: PLEASE LORD GET ME THE COVER OF PEOPLE THIS WEEK!
Remember Harry on Pepper (on the right during happier times)? They are the dude penguins who fell madly in love with each other at the San Francisco Zoo. For six years, they were just like any other happy normal gay couple. They spent their weekends looking at model homes for fun (Why did I used to do that?), hosted "Golden Girls" themed cocktail parties and even raised a babeh penguin together! Well, the gay penguin love affair of our time has ended. And it's all because of a homewrecking SLUT WHORE SKANK BITCH named LINDA (on the left with Harry)!!!
The SF Examiner says that Linda has stolen Harry from Pepper! Linda is the Sienna Miller of the penguin world! Or maybe she's more like the Liza Minnelli?
Anywhorypenguinwithnomorals, Linda has quite the reputation around those parts as a fish digging skeezer. A few years ago, Linda left her man for a much older penguin named Fig. Linda started rubbing her ice cold crotch all over Fig just a few hours after his woman died! Fig went off to the fake iceberg in the sky this year. A few weeks later, Harry was seen hanging out in Linda's burrow! You know that shameless whore Linda tricked Harry into going into her burrow by telling him she just got the entire last season of AbFab on DVD! Shortly after that, the two were shacking up. It gets worse for poor Pepper...
Not only did Harry leave him for a dirty dirty bird (LITERALLY), but his ex attacked him one day! And not in the sexy way Pepper is used to. No, one day, Linda and Harry wobbled into Pepper's burrow and started pecking at him like they were on The Jerry Springer Show!! The three had to be separated. Pepper was put in a different penguin exhibition while Harry and Linda continued to play house.
However, Pepper is now back in the same exhibit as Harry and Linda. Everyone is watching to see what happens next on All My Eggs. One of the zookeepers said, “It’s molting season in late July and early August, and around that time we see couples getting shaken up. It’ll be interesting to see if Harry spends any of that time with Pepper. We’ll have to wait and see.”
Harry and Pepper will be back together. TRUST. Nobody can toss Harry's feathers the way Pepper does. Harry will never quit Pepper!
That being said, Linda is one of my new idols.
Blood suckers must not have hearts, because RPattz has apparently dumped Kristen Stewart while their sparkly vampire baby love child is baking in her womb at 450 (yes, I believe everything I read on the internets)!! Life & Style says that RPattz has dropped Kristen Stewart off at the section marked "IT'S OVAH" and has no plans of picking her back up. That's because he's too busy sucking the blood out of his co-stars vagina noodle.
A sourcey says that he's moved on from Kristen to his Remember Me co-star Emilie de Ravin. The source watched the two canoodling at the Bowery Hotel in NYC on June 14th. When Elizabeth Reaser, one of the other actors from the movie, came to join them, Emilie told her ass how hard it was kissing RPattz in front of the cameras. Elizabeth responded with, "However you kiss Rob in real life, just do that!"
Well, there you go. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the crazed mob of horny Twitards to trample Emilie to death. Send her funeral bill to Life & Style.
Here's Rob filming in NYC yesterday. Expect one of the weeklies to have one of these pictures on their cover next week with the headline: "Emilie who?! Rob's romantic date at Chuck E. Cheese with his other co-star."
39-year-old Rachel Hunter, star of The Real Gilligan's Island, Dancing with the Has-Beens, Style Me, Celebrity Paranormal Project, Make Me A Supermodel, Celebrity Circus and any other reality show you can think of, has been straight-up dumped by her fiance just a couple of months before they were supposed to get married.
Bitch, I hope the caterers refund your deposit. Everything I know about weddings I learned from Bridezilla.
The Daily Mail says that Rachel's 27-year-old fiance, L.A. Kings hockey player Jarret Stoll, e-mailed every guest telling them that the August 14th wedding wasn't going to happen. Jarret didn't give Rachel a reason for why he wanted to quit her ass. Rachel apparently has the sads in a bad way. A friend said, "She has absolutely no idea why Jarret has done this. It sounds like it could be a classic case of cold feet. He is a fair bit younger than her."
I hope Rachel's not hibernating in her bedroom devouring a giant tub of Breyers while listening to "This Old Heart of Mine" on repeat (that would be ironic).
Rachel should dry her tears, pick up her vagina, spray some perfume on it and fuck every one of Jarret's friends. Don't stop there. Fuck his father, his uncles, his cousins, his second cousins, his brothers, his gardener, his dry cleaner, etc... etc... Fuck him over by fucking everyone in his life! When he's sitting at Christmas dinner with his entire family, he'll look into each of their faces and die a little inside when he realizes that your pussay has been on every single one of them. Git it, Rachel!
Billy Joel and his third wife Katie Lee Joel have separated. This is good news for Billy since he can slap Fishsticks Paltrow in the teefs the next time she calls him "William." He doesn't have to hold back anymore.
Billy and Katie issued a statement to the NYDN and confirmed that their marriage is lying lifeless in the gutter, "After nearly five years of marriage, Billy and Katie have decided to separate. This decision is the result of much thought and consideration. Billy and Katie remain caring friends, with admiration and respect for each other."
There were rumors a little while ago that Katie and Billy's marriage had hit the skids, because she was out dry humping fashion designer Yigal Azrouel. Their spokeswhore denies that their split has anything to do with Yigal. Some source close to the two said Katie and Billy's age difference fucked it up for them. He's 60 and she's 27. The source said, "They grew apart. She is very career-oriented. She loves going out. She loves the city. When Billy isn't touring, he'd rather be on Long Island with his motorcycles and boats."
You know what I think happened? Billy woke up one day and realized he's not married to a real human being! Did you see Katie on the first season of Top Chef? My toilet seat has a more sparkling personality than Katie. I bet the inside of that bitch's body looks like the game Operation. Plastic organs and shit!
If Billy wants to get out of paying alimony, he could probably argue that their marriage is invalid due to the fact that she's an inanimate object. There's not a court in this country who would disagree with him!
And here's some news that will make your vagina burp. HoHan and SamRo have quit the love. You probably forgot due to a little condition called IDONTGIVEAFUCK-itis, but the 'gina bumpers got back together last month after breaking up in April. Now it's over again.
A source-type told E! News that they ended things last night after a fight about Nicole Richie...among other things. Apparently, Nicole Richie dry heaves every time HoHan is around. Nicole invited SamRo to a party last week, but told her not to bring her partner in pussy. The source went on to say, "Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay."
Fittingly enough, after SamRo had words with HoHan, she went to dinner with Nicole. Right after dinner, SamRo dumped HoHan via text message and basically told her to stay out of her life FOREVER.
SamRo is really going to need to do better than that. A mean text message isn't going to keep HoHan from crawling into SamRo's bedroom window in the middle of the night and watching her sleep. If she knows what's good, SamRo will put Quween on the Scene on payroll!
And breaking up by text message doesn't count! It has to be done in person or by order of the court! SamRo should explore the latter option.
Yeah, right. These two drama lezzies will never be over. They will be eating each other's coochie tartare again this time tomorrow.
Usher has officially filed papers asking for The BIG D from Tameka Foster. No, not the "big dick." Usher wants to quit that bitch after nearly 2 years of being tied down to her legally. There were rumors on Thursday that Usher filed that morning, but he actually waited until Friday. TGIF?
A source told People that for about a year Usher has been staying away from Tameka. Probably because her nutstack hangs lower than his and he's always been self-conscious of that. It's understandable. The source said that Tameka hasn't been bothered by Usher not being around to crank her cock, because she spends her time focusing on their two baby sons and the three sons she has with another dude.
You know Usher's mother is going to be doing the moonwalk all around town while singing her own acoustic version of The Hives' "I Hate To Say I Told You So." That image will get me through the weekend. And so will the image of Tameka hiking up her chonies (the ones with the dick hole) to battle Usher for that MONEY. Git it! Unleash your T-rex jaw of fury on Usher's checking account!
Usher and Tameka Foster are no longer dick slapping each other in the middle of the night, because their marriage ooooooooover. That's what InTouch is screaming anyway. They claim divorce papers were filed in Atlanta today asking the courts to end their misery and kill their 2-year-old marriage.
A source said that it's been over for a while now and Usher has been living in a different house for over a year. Usher and Tameka have two sons together, 1-year-old Usher V and 6-month-old Naviyd.
The source went on to say that Usher and Tameka are living completely separate lives. When Tameka almost died from getting the fat sucked out of her in Brazil, Usher didn't even know she was having that shit done.
Oh, well. Once Tameka starts collecting alimony payments, I hope she signs up for The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They could use someone like her. You know, someone who actually has money and doesn't regularly hide in the closet when the dudes from Rent-A-Room come knocking on the door to take away all the furniture for non-payment.
And Tameka has just the jaw needed to battle it out with Kim Zolciak's beast of a wig.
If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!
"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."
Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.
As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.
Tiny person Christina Ricci and enormous person Owen Benjamin are no longer getting married. Shits. That means no adorable picture of him picking her up by the arms to kiss her after they are pronounced giant and gnome.
Once source tells People that they broke off their engagement this past weekend, "Owen had a birthday party this past Sunday, and everything seemed fine. Sometime after, they got into a fight and decided to reevaluate things. [Then] the engagement was off." Another source said that their big little romance was over before then, "They talk almost every day. It was a very mature decision and they both felt good about it. They're definitely still friends."
Hum. I wonder what went wrong? I'm guessing Christina was sick of Owen poking out her organs whenever they did sexy times. She probably already lost one kidney when he hit it from the back and wasn't happy when he popped a hole in her stomach while she rode him.
Seriously, it would totally kill the love if your man was effing up your insides (and not in a good way). It just wasn't worth it. Now Christina is free to skip off and find a dude who doesn't almost suffocate her ass to death when they cuddle. I wonder if Verne Troyer is still single?