Splits

Wonky McValtrex and Benji Madden are reportedly no longer bumping ass warts which means they are out in the wild spreading their skank! While we're running for quarantine shelters, the bitches who make Valtrex are having a fun time parade! Their #1 converter is going back to work!

According to Star Magazine, Wonky quit Benji because he's too-controlling. When he found out that she was being gross with Nachos in Miami, he freaked out at her. Benji totally did the "smell the puss" test on her.

The source said, "She couldn't take his overbearing ways anymore. It was stressing her out. He can be very aggressive and he was just too much trouble. She felt she couldn't cut loose and party. He doesn't drink and doesn't think she should either. She felt too fenced in."

I think in Wonky-talk "fenced in" means that Benji wouldn't let other dudes space dock her.

Benji apparently is herpmatized, because he wanted a second chance from Wonky. "He fought for a second chance and asked if they could talk it out but Paris said she was done talking." That's because she probably already lined up two dozen rebound dicks.

You know that somewhere in the world Nicole Richie is eating her one chickpea lunch and screaming "Halleljuah" because she doesn't have to see Wonky's skank ass face at Madden gatherings anymore. It was bad enough that she had to play fake nice with her for the cameras.

Whoever guessed around 96 days in the "When Will Peaches' Marriage Fail?" pool, might come out a winner! 19-year-old Peaches Geldof, daughter of Bob, wants to divorce her new husband after 96 days of marriage.

Peaches got hitched to 24-year-old Max Drummey in Las Vegas back in August after meeting his ass on MySpace. That's the problem. If they met on Friendster, they would still be together. Wait. Does Friendster still exist? That used to be the shit back in the day (like 6 years ago). I digress.....

According to The News of the World, Peaches, who has been living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is flying her ass of to London this week to start the divorce process. A source said that the two have been fighting all the time and Peaches wants to quit that bitch after 96 days of marriage.

A source said, "She doesn’t fancy him any more, and wants to move on. To her it is as simple as that. She just wants to divorce him and find a new boyfriend. Max is heartbroken. He has been through the mill in the last three months, but there is nothing he can do. He genuinely believed marriage was a long term commitment, but Peaches has shattered his dreams."

Max, turn that frown upside down, hire Larry H. Parker as your attorney and get PAID! Any judge will gladly rule in your favor against a cokey head named Peaches. And you know her shit is rotten.

It's also nice to see that the sanctity of marriage of still alive and well!

Dig out the chastity belt from the attic and strap it onto your husband immediately, because Sienna Miller's bulldozer vagina is back in business! Sienna told UsWeekly that she finally detached Balthazar Getty's hair peen (I'm assuming) from her snatch after only a few months together and she's single now. Single and ready to mingle...with your husband's dick.

At the Hollywood Dominoes event in London, the happy homewrecker said, "I'm single at the moment, and I'm completely happy with that. It's nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I'm cool with being on my own."

And the slutty angels in heaven are singing "Whore-a-lujah!"

Balthazar's dick was getting stale and too complicated, so this shit was long overdue. Let the man with the cartoon villain name go back to his wife and let Sienna go back to doing what she does best: sluttin'! I'm really fucking happy to hear this, because I was starting to think that she was actually...um...dickmatized. Note to sluts of the world: The minute you get dickmatized, immediately put your genitals into rehab and cease all contact with said dick. Dickmatization + a shameless slut = DISASTER!

Below is Sienna in her "dick huntin'" dress at that Domino event on Friday night. If you put your ear to the monitor, you can actually hear her vagina crying tears of joy at the fact that it's getting new peen!

A few days ago, I wrote about my disappointment in Terri Seymour for not completing her gold digging mission. I now kiss her newly rich feet, because not only did Simon Cowell give her $4.6 to buy a mansion, but he also handed her $5 million in cash money. That's not a bad paycheck for massaging Simon's manchichis and scrubbing Gaycrest's dried-up jizz from hair for 6 years.

Of course, it's "shut the fuck" money. But I'm hoping Terri knew her cash COWell (sorry) was about to go out to pasture, so she quietly put together an incrimiGAYting (sorry again) case against him. When it came time to part, she sashayed into his black t-shirt closet room like Alexis Carrington, threw down the pictures and said, "It's not going to be cheap!"

That dumb bitch Sarah Larson probably only walked away with an autographed copy of "Ocean's Eleven" and a "You've Been Clooney-d" t-shirt.

Marilyn Manson is going to have to find a new young thing to suck the hotness out of, because Star Magazine reports that Evan Rachel Wood has dumped his pasty dumpling ass.

The 21-year-old welfare version of Dita Von Teese started dating Marilyn in December 2006 while his marriage was in the caca house.

So why did this beautiful and totally non-dysfunctional couple call it quits? Evan's brother Ira was living in her guest house and Marilyn pulled a Spencer Pratt and wanted him to beat it. A source said, "Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street. It was the tipping point. Evan was fed up with how controlling and emotionally abusive Marilyn was."

Now Evan can stop trying to be Dita 2.0 in order to make Paul Pfeiffer from the "Wonder Years" happy. Yes, I know he's not Paul Pfeiffer, but I love that rumor and can't let it go.

Knowing Evan, she probably ran right into the leathery arms of Mickey Rourke. She has a thing for scary monsters.

Shameless slut Sienna Miller has given Balthazar Getty way too many hours with her vagina. It's time to fucking move on. What's the point of being a big whore if you're just going to do the same dude over and over again? Sienna might have finally woken up and smelled the jizz, because the Daily Mail reports that she's taken her slut act back to London. However, she didn't leave Balthazar because her cooze was craving new peen, she left after he refused to divorce his wife.

According to friends, these two hos have been fighting constantly in Los Angeles and she's scared that he's going to go back to his wife. " There have been some pretty unpleasant rows, largely over Balthazar’s reluctance to commit. She has really wanted to be able to step out as a couple but Balthazar is very torn over his children and it looks like he might be wanting to go back to his family. Sienna is devastated."

Sienna is devastated, but her vagina is probably jumping for joy and humming "It's Raining Men."

Balthazar still being married isn't the only problem. Sienna wants to booze and party all night, while he would rather stay home and be boring. Balthazar is a recovering drunk, so he's having a hard time dealing with Sienna's ways.

Sienna is surprised that her married boyfriend still wants to be married and he's surprised that his party whore girlfriend still wants to be a party whore? Ugh. Slap them both with a flaccid peen.

Sienna needs to stay in London and re-read the slut's handbook. Specificially, chapter 7: "Married Men are Only Good for Fucking."

Simon Cowell is back on the market after splitting up with his chick of six years, Terri Seymour. Simon's pr bitch said that Terri rang him up last month and let him know she was quitting that bitch. I'm sure he found comfort in between Ryan Gaycrest's throbbing butt cheeks.

Terri, 34, and Simon, 48, met when she was just 18, but they didn't start bumping titties until she interviewed him in 2002.

Simon's spokeswhore went on to tell People, "They are going to remain close friends. Simon thinks the world of Terri and that isn't going to change. He also understands her reason for ending it. In the past Terri has said that she wants kids but that just isn't Simon. Nobody else is involved, certainly not on Simon's side."

For why doesn't Simon want little babies? His voluptuous manchicis were made for milking.

Terri Seymour failed me just like Sarah Larson did. She had herself a big bag of money dangling in front of her and she just let it go. The gold diggers of the world are shedding millions of tears at this missed opportunity.

The Mirror claims Simon bought her ass a house as a goodbye gift, but that shit's not enough! She could have been set up for the rest of her days! I mean, Simon shits bars of gold, so Terri just needed to find a way to get knocked up! Homegirl should've gone through Gaycrest's garbage for used condoms filled with Simon's baby batter or something! Damn.

Image: Bauer Griffin

Every hour there's a new story about Guy and Vadge's dirty divorce. You know Vadge is busting loads of panty pudding over all the publicity. She probably lays all the newspaper clippings out on the bed and rubs her roid-cooze all over them. Attention should be that bitch's third husband. That marriage would last forever.

There's a lot of stories and rumors out there, so I'm just going to break it down for you in list form. Lists make everything seem so dramatic. So do exclamation points, so I'll throw lots of those in.

V cares more about her personal trainer than her own husband!!

V slathers her body in fancy creams and then covers herself in a plastic bodysuit every night!!

V completely controls the house including what they eat. Only macrobiotic shit! G had to drink his evening tea with rice milk! V doesn't allow dairy or sugar in her house!

V doesn't allow TV!!!!!!

When they went out to dinner at restaurants, V didn't trust the chefs, so she usually just drank a glass of water!

V works on her fitness at least 2 hours a day including holidays!

V turned to full-on plastic surgery in order to look younger for G.

G is constantly cruel to V! He told her that she looks like a granny!

G has made V feel worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated!!!

G told V that she sucks as an actress!

G would check out other hos in front of V. G would also make fun of her in front of their friends!

G wants Rocco to live with him in London! V wants all her children in NYC with her!!!!

G will get at least $40 million in the divorce as well as their London pub and the country estate!

Cue dramatic chipmunk! In addition to all these not-so-shocking claims, Guy's old daddy is speaking out about Vadge calling his son "emotionally retarded" at a concert in Boston. 78-year-old John Ritchie tells The Daily Mail, 'She is being beastly. She's calling him an emotional retard. When he's being bashed by her it's horrid."

Pepaw Ritchie better watch it. That beast can tear him into a million pieces with just one swipe from her titanium labia lips of death!

Click here, here and here if you want to read more about this shit. I'm sure 50 new rumors will pop up as soon as I hit publish.

It was the horsey's fault!!! The collapse of Vadge's marriage has been blamed on one of Heidi Montag's relatives. Sort of. A friend of Vadge's tells The Sun that her marriage started to turn into diarrhea after she fell off of a horse in 2005. Vadge broke bones and shit, but Guy didn't seem to care.

Vadge was put in the hospital and said it was one of the most painful experiences of her life. Even more painful than "Shanghai Surprise"? Damn. The experience was extra shitty because her husband didn't show her any kind of compassion.

Vadge's friend said, “Madonna was in a huge amount of pain and expected Guy to drop everything to be at her bedside. In her mind that is what every husband should do to support his wife when she has been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening, experience. But Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, ‘A very British way’. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, ‘Come on darling, you’re a tough bird. You’ll be back on the horse in no time’. Guy’s approach was that a few broken bones is no big deal – and that there was no point in making a drama out of a crisis. But in Madonna’s mind, she could have been killed, and she wanted the full works and to be lavished with love and attention."

Vadge told friends that Guy must not be her soulmate. She also vowed to never date British dudes again because they are "emotionally-stunted." This coming from a bitch who probably can't even produce tears.

This whole story sounds a little weird to me. I would think Vadge would be the complete opposite. I see her as the type who wants to be left alone when they're sick. I'm like that when I'm ill. When people try and take care of me, I snot on their hands or tell them to go play on the freeway. I want to wallow in my own grossness by myself.

Guy probably didn't give a horse's taint, because he planned that shit himself! He gave that horse an extra carrot to throw her off. Well, the joke was on Guy. Vadge can never be thrown off her high horse. Never.

Tea Leoni and David Duchovny announced they were separating and I figured it has everything to do with him sticking his wang in any available slot. The Daily Mail claims that isn't so. According to them, David quit that bitch when he found sexy text messages between Tea and Billy Goat Thornton. Ew and gross. Sexy texts? What the fuck did Billy Goat write to her? "i wanna DO U so hrd n wear yr blood ina vial arnd my neck O yeh bb."

After reading the texts, David found out that Tea had some sort of relationship with Billy Goat. Billy isn't exactly single himself. He has a 4-year-old daughter with his current girlfriend.

Tea and Billy Goat met while filming some shit called "Manure." How fitting. Soon after, Tea was seen hanging around his band's gigs. One friend said, "She even helps him load and unload his truck." Billy Goat is into getting ass fucked by a strap-on?! Well, what do you know.

I understand that Tea needed to get her coochie rotated while David while was out whoring around, but Billy Goat Thornton?! His peen has already been tainted by Saint Angelina's voodoo vagina. There has to be better dick. Tea should ask David where she can get some hot and quick ass, I'm sure he knows where to go.