Splits

Let's all welcome Milo Ventimiglia back into the world of reality, because he's finally woken up from his troll-loving haze by splitting up with Hayden Panatroll. That's what UsWeekly claims. Some source told them that 31-year-old Milo and 19-year-old Hayden ended their 1-year-old relationSHIT last week. The source went on to say, "It was a lifestyle conflict. They were in very different places. Hayden is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that's not his style."

At least we can finally remove the PedoBear-approved stamp from Milo's taint. I don't even know what he saw in that sausage troll to begin with. She's like Gary Coleman to me. Bitch is going to be like 40, looking like a little 13-year-old. That will never be hot. If I was a hostess at a restaurant and Hayden walked in, I'd immediately grab a high chair for her little ass. That has to kill the romantic mood of her dates. You know, she's not even THAT short. She's like 5", but still looks like she can easily fit in a hot dog bun. Strange.

If Milo wants a midgelet, he should get with one that will take it like a big bitch. I'm talking about La Pequena, of course. And now that Hayden is free, she can go marry a whale or whatever.

And "lifestyle conflict" means she wouldn't do it in the butt, right?

Okay, who guessed that Peaches Geldof's marriage would only last a long six months? I was out of the divorce pool after their 1-day anniversary. I figured it would be one of those 24-hour bugs. Well, if you guessed six months, then reward yourself by getting obliterated and marrying a stranger! Don't worry, you can divorce them in the morning. Getting hitched and then getting divorced a quick minute later is fun! It's the world's pastime.

So, yeah, 19-year-old Rotten Peaches and 24-year-old Max Drummey announced their marriage is done DONE done after only six months. The hipster twats with faces like popped pimples married last August in Las Vegas after only knowing each other a month.

They issued this ridiculous statement to the BBC. Actually, just roll your eyes a hundred times and pretend you read it. Okay, here it is anyway: "After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends."

Damn, their "soul searching" expedition probably lasted a hot second. They both realized they don't have any souls to search. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure they tried they hardest to make it work. He wrote her a touching ballad about how much he loved her gold American Apparel leggings or something like that. It still wasn't enough.

SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.

SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"

I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.

Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!

And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.

If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo's clam box, she said, "We didn't break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it's gross." Personally, I would've added an "Ewwwwww" and a "Shut up!"

The gross rumor HoHan is ewwwing about is that she's moved out of SamRo's house and their lezzietale romance has come to an end. Access Hollywood called it and so did TMZ.

Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it's not like she's doing anything else. She wrote:

RUMORS

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE

It's gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.

You know, I'm glad to hear they're not breaking up, because this is not how it's supposed to end! HoHan's supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger's door and tell them she's the daughter of God. That's how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.

P.S. - The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan's bi-color weave in that picture above.

Just pretend to care, okay! Hearts have been broken! You skanks go and comfort JLove's "size 2" ass and I'll try to cheer up Patricia Arquette's bodacious breasteses. I'll spoon feed them Neapolitan ice cream while rolling my eyes at their weepiness.

We've all been there! It's the fucking worst when your friend is bawling and saying they are going to kill themselves because some dumb ho dumped them. You sit there, holding their sweaty hand, trying to show in your face that you care. You're thinking to yourself, "I need to get this bitch a Casual Encounters ad on Craigslist ad so that they can fuck the pain away and I can go watch Real Housewives!" Although, I do love using lines like "He's not worth your tears" or "His loss! I sucked his dick in the bathroom anyway." Just say the last line if they really won't shut the fuck up.

Anyway, JLove and Patricia Arquette's friends may be giving the fake "I care" face, because both of their relationships went bust.

People says that JLove and her creepy fiance canceled their engagement around the holidays. They were engaged for 1 year and dated for 2. A source said, "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."

He probably got sick of her claiming she's a size 2 when he called her fat. The nerve of some people. And she probably got sick of him giving sex eyes to small animals. Look at the dude! You know he's into some sick shit!

I'm sure we'll see JLove's ass on the cover of some magazine with the headline: "I'm single and loving it! And I'm still a size 2!"

Now on to Patricia Arquette. UsWeekly says she filed for divorce today from her husband of 2 long years Thomas Jane. Of course, she blamed "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why her marriage tanked. Is there ever any other reason? The two have a 5-year-old daughter named Harlow together.

I hope both of these bitches broke it off AFTER the holidays. That shit is the way to go. If you need to dump someone, break it off with their asses after the season of giving so that you can still collect your presents! Don't ever do it before. If you think you're going to get dumped, stall that shit until your gift is underneath that tree! And if they didn't give you shit because they knew they were going to end it with you, make them get you one! They have to, because technically you were still together. Sue their asses if they refuse! Judge Judy will definitely side with you.

Escandalo! Maybe? I hope. Kelly Rutherford has quit her marriage of two years and she's three months knocked up! Oh shit. Dat baby ain't his! Or maybe she woke up and realized he had busted gay face for a reason: because he loves the peen. Or maybe he got sick of sharing the tit with his 2-year-old! Uh oh. Here comes the e-mails from La Leche League. Brace yourself, inbox.

Whatever the case may be, Kelly filed for divorce from Daniel Giersch on December 30th in Los Angeles. She claimed the good old "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why her legal union crashed and burned. I'm pretty sure that in Hollywood, "irreconcilable differences" means the wifey caught the husband licking on another man's ass lips. Check the legal books.

Kelly and Daniel have a 2-year-old handbag son together they named Hermés Gustaf Giersch.

This is Kelly's second divorce. Her first marriage lasted a grand total of five whole months. Hey, at least she broke her last record.

But seriously, I think I've seen her power bottom twink husband dancing to a Deborah Cox song on a box in nothing but tighty whiteys at Micky's in West Hollywood back in the day.

Now this is what I expect from a JLo divorce announcement! Some fucking drama. Gatecrasher says that on this coming Valentine Day's, JLo will join Skeletor onstage at Madison Square Garden in NYC where they will sing a farewell duet together and announce their divorce to everyone. That's if anyone is still in the audience. When JLo takes the stage to sing live, I'm sure thousands of bitches will either run for the door or find a sharp object to stab at their ears with.

JLo and Skeletor announced she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales Twins at one of their concerts in Miami, so she feels this is a fitting way to announce that their marriage is worm meat. A friend of JLo's said, “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet." Um. It will be all bitter and no sweet since JLo is planning to sing live. The woman has a voice like a chihuahua after debarking surgery.

I know Wanda Sykes doesn't want me to call things "gay", but this shit is gayer than gay! JLo and Skeletor announcing their divorce through song?! I believe it, because this is definitely something gay ass JLo would do. Bitch thinks she's in some goddamn Rodgers & Hammerstein musical.

Not only will JLo sing a farewell song to Skeletor, but she will also be singing a farewell song to relevance.

For those of you who watch Grey's Anatomy or that Private Practice shit, Kate Walsh's husband has pink-slipped her ass and filed for divorce after a little over a year of marriage (they were married in September 2007). Entertainment Tonight says the divorce papers list November 22, 2008 as the day the love officially died and they separated. Yes, right before Thanksgiving. They didn't even get to cut the turkey together! A whole lot of sad.

In the part of the court documents that asks why the marriage tanked, Mr. Kate Walsh (real name: Alex Young) wrote: KATHERINE FUCKING HEIGL. No, he blamed "irreconcilable differences" of course.

The courts need to ban the use of irreconcilable differences as a reason for divorce. Us nosy whores want to know the details as to why their marriage sucked so hard. I'm guessing Mr. Kate Walsh found his wife sharing a cigarette with Heigl. Or maybe laughing at one of Heigl's dumb jokes. Or possibly just saying "hi" to Heigl in passing. All grounds for divorce!

P.S. - That champagne looks really cheap. It probably smelled like asparagus piss.

Vintage gold digger Ivana Trump has split up with her Gavin Rossdale look-alike fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi. Well, if Gavin Rossdale had been dropped on his head a few hundred times as a child.

The cougar and her cub barely got married in April after dating for 6 years. 59-year-old Ivana issued a statement saying that they actually broke up 3 months ago, but didn't want to go public with it because of Rossano's apperance on the Italian version of Celebrity Survivor.

It was during Survivor that 36-year-old Rossano cheated on Ivana with the cameras on him. Ivana doesn't mention this shit in her statement. She only says, "Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan. But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, `Que sera sera!'"

Err. Isn't this one of the things that bitches should discuss when they get married? First, you make your new husband promise that his dick will never shrink. Then you tell him where you're both going to live. I figured Ivana married a toy, because he'd do whatever she wanted. Obviously not.

This shit kind of hurts honestly. Ivana should know better. She's an accomplished gold digger and it looks like she might get played. She better have tattooed the pre-nup on her cougar lips.

Stephanie Tanner might be a two-time divorcee before she turns 30! Kimmy Gibler, come get this bitch!

26-year-old Jodie Sweetin has filed for legal separation from her husband of 16-months Cody Herpin. Sweet and Herp have a 7-month-old daughter they named Zoie. Her name was supposed to be Zoe, but Jodie was on ze meth and spelled her name wrong on the birth certificate. NO! Jodie is clean. In fact she credits Herp for helping her get off the meth.

Jodie's agent would not say why their marriage has gone up in smoke, but said they have "come to this path in their life and she felt like this is the way she had to go. Jodie says it's unfortunate but it's just what has to happen right now. No more detail, only because she says she doesn't want to be disrespectful to him."

Sweet and Herp were shooting a reality show together. And that right there is the problem! They should add that shit to the marriage vows. "Till death do us part or until we shoot a reality show together...."

And since we're on the topic of "Full House," here's Stephanie and Kimmy's really hot girl band covering Ace of Base's The Sign. Stephanie should get her mind off of her shitty marriage by reuniting Girl Talk! But that bitch needs to work on her stage moves, so she doesn't knock over a mic stand again!