Splits

Charlie Sheen, the star of a rape monster's favorite show, is adding Brooke Mueller's name to the list of ex-wives he has to write a child support and alimony check out to every single month. 10 months after Charlie said Merry Christmas to his wife Brooke by her choking her ass out, he has filed for divorce. A straight blast of SHOCK to the eyes, I know. I would say that Charlie can now freely fall into a mattress covered with pussy peddler puss without feeling guilty about it, but he did that shit while he had a wedding ring on so play on... play on...

TMZ says that Charlie and Brooke already worked out all the details of their divorce settlement all the way back in May shortly after they quit each other. According to the documents, Charlie will give Brooke around $757k for dealing with his fuckery for almost 2 years. Brooke has to move all of her shit out of Charlie's house, but his checking account is filling her checking account with $1 million for her troubles. Grand total so far: $1,757,000 plus

Brooke will have primary custody of their 1-year-old twin boys and Charlie will get to see them every now and again. Charlie will write Brooke a child support check for $55,000 each month. Brooke wants to make sure that her chirruns are living as high as Denise Richards' chirruns, so she added this little clause: "Under no circumstances shall the child support paid by Charlie for Bob and Max be less than the child support paid by Charlie to Denise Richards for Sam and Lola."

Lying in the bathroom stall of a T.G.I. Friday's somewhere, a single tear trickles down White Oprah's tangerine cheek... White Oprah has always dreamed of the day she can add a clause like that into her divorce settlement. Seriously, White Oprah better snort that line of crushed Adderall off the toilet seat, pick herself up and get to Charlie Sheen's side ASAP! It's only a matter of time before Charlie looks into the face of the trick he just did a line of coke off of and realizes that he wants her to be his future ex-wife. It might as well be White Oprah! A match like that is written in the glazed eyes of every West Coast dealer!

And in the blink of a damn eye, Xtina has bowled a coagulated blood ball down her driveway for Bat Boy to chase after, because she's really done with his ass for real. Radar reports that the head don of the red lipstick mafia sealed her divorce papers with a MAC-coated kiss and filed them in California this morning. Just a couple of days ago Xtina confirmed that she's no longer riding on her husband's bat wings of love.

After Radar took a few bottles of lipstick remover to the documents and brushed away the thick layer of pressed powder, they read that there is a prenup and Xtina is refusing to write Bat Boy a monthly check for spousal support. Xtina wants the court to categorize all her shit (including her money, her joo-ree, the peroxide pool in the backyard, the private Max Factor warehouse in her basement, etc....) as personal property. As for their son Max? Xtina wants to share physical and legal custody of him with Bat Boy.

But wait, a source is telling the ESCANDALOSO News Desk (aka TMZ) that Xtina and Bat Boy's 5-year-old marriage threw itself into a mine in Chile after she allegedly put her mark on another dude's taint. They say that is the true reason as to why they broke up on 9/11/10 ("Please 4get" - Xtina's marriage to us).

This is really tragic. Another marriage ending due to wandering wang, or sauntering snatch in this case. It's tragic because wayward whores really have to learn how to clean up their tracks! Although in Xtina's defense, cleaning up the bronzed skid marks she leaves on her side-pieces' ass cheeks would take the help of Molly Maid's entire team, a box of Easy Off and the blessed spirit of Billy Mays.

And you know what my mom said to me after I told her about this mess? She goes, "Christina's still married to the one with THE FACE?" Now do you see where I get it from? It's not my fault. It's genetic.

According to TMZ's sources, just last week Laura Dern and her husband of 5 years Ben Harper were rolling around together, bumping parts, licking on each other's saliva and flicking tongues as though everything was alright (sort of). So because of this, the emotion called SHOCK played on Laura Dern's face when Ben dropped divorce papers right into her lap on Friday afternoon. Laura quickly searched through the papers to make sure the reason for divorce was not listed as: THAT LIFE-RUINING SLUT ANGIE JO, AGAIN! No, Ben cited irreconcilable differences.

In the documents, Ben states that he doesn't want to pay spousal support and is asking for joint custody of their kids Ellery (9) and Jaya (5). Ben lists January of this year as the date of separation, but TMZ's trusty sources claim that the two have been carrying on like a regular couple all year. They were living and traveling together.

Correct me with a red Sharpie if I'm wrong, but didn't Ben Harper drop his first wife Joanna for Laura Dern after she got dropped for Angie Jo (she didn't have the saint title back then) by Billy Bob Thornton? We know who's a firm believer in "Don't Drop A Piece Until You've Got A New Piece." The only way ordered can be restored is if Laura Dern fucks on Brad Pitt, Angie Jo fucks on Ben Harper and Billy Bob Thornton fucks on Ben's first wife Joanna. Git on that.

(Image via Wireimage)

Before Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe can sink her fangs into Brad Goreski and suck the everything out until all that's left is a pile of skin (which she'll paste onto her bones after her old skin moults off), he has decided to hit the evacuation slide and quit that bitch.

In a statement, which sounds like it was written while a Bette Midler song played in the background, to People, Brad says that he is no longer Chupa's main slave and won't be on the next season of Bravo's The Rachel Zoe Project.

“I love Rachel and she’s taught me everything I know. But there’s a point where either I do it now or I’ll never know what it’s like to spread my wings and soar.”

Chupa says that Brad told her a month ago and she couldn't stop hugging him. Uh huh. Trying to get in that last bite to the froat before the prey flies away.

“We couldn’t stop hugging and we couldn’t stop crying. He did this with such class and elegance. And I get it. I just told him, ‘I’m here for you always.’ We have a relationship that’s not normal. I jump into bed with him and wake him up and we have these pow wows and he’s like, ‘Wow, I haven’t brushed my teeth,’ I don’t want to hire somebody for the purpose of the show, we just got lucky. No one’s ever going to be Brad to me.”

Good, maybe now Brad won't be as busy. Seriously, 90% of that show is Chupa and Brad going on and on about how busy they are. Chupa can't even sit down at the dinner table to NOT think about eating, because she's busy matching the perfect Dior Homme cock ring with the perfect Versace pants. Chupa forces her husband to cut his hair like pedophile Justin Bieber, so she won't ever be tempted to bump bones with him. She doesn't have time!

Anyways, Brad will be missed from the show. Mostly because, now 99% of the show will be Chupa farting about how busy her life is. You know if she didn't talk about being busy as much as she talks about being busy, she probably wouldn't be that busy.

Nancy Wilson of Heart and director Cameron Crowe are no longer acting out the lyrics to "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" every Friday night (you know they did), because they are legally quitting each other after 20 years of marriage! If Nancy and Cameron can't wake up next to each other every morning and think to themselves "I want to look at your face the rest of day", nobody can!

CBS News reports that on the divorce papers Nancy cited "Elizabethtown" as the reason for divorce. No, Nancy used the overused "irreconcilable differences." Nancy stated on the documents that they separated in 2008. She wants joint custody of their twin 10-year-old sons.

Nancy is using the "irreconcilable differences" reason, but my guess is she filed for divorce after she found out that her husband of 20 years and Stephen Fry are the same person. We knew all along, Nancy, but your ass just didn't want to listen.

The man who could make your bowel movements seem interesting by narrating them is no longer wearing a wedding band and is officially single. A judge in Mississippi stamped a DIVORCED label in red on Morgan Freeman's marriage of 26 years to Myrna Colley-Lee. Morgan and Myrna actually quit each other in 2007, but she didn't file for divorce until a year later, just days after he got into a car accident with a lady friend of the family. Yup, even God experiences car head gone wrong.

The details of Morgan and Myrna's divorce have been sealed by the court, but Morgan's lawyer tells E! that settlement negotiations went smoothly. Oh, I bet the last Strawberry Shortcake Bar in my freezer that it went smoothly. Myrna sashayed into the office of Morgan's lawyer in her favorite red suit and demanded that he keep her burgundy Cadillac shiny or she'll start singing about his Woody Allen ways to the media.

If you have no idea what I'm going on about, then maybe it's better that way. I don't want to ruin The Bucket List for you. Oh, okay. Let's go over this again even though it's as pleasant as pissing when you've got a boner.

The National Enquirer ran a story last year claiming that then 72-year-old Morgan has been secretly getting it on with his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines for 10 years. There were even rumors that Morgan and E'Dena were planning on getting married. This has always been filed under the "rumor" category since Morgan or E'Dena have never admitted it. It's just something we whisper and laugh about whenever they walk by. But now that he's no longer a married pepaw, I wouldn't be surprised to see him and E'Dena browsing the bridal section at Justice.

Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet's Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni's salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:

"Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project."

Oh, Chelsea shouldn't give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn't strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.

I'm convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he's the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go "TS TS TS" before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream "Who's the pack leader now, bitch" while you're spanking on him as he's running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he's single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.

Here's Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night:

Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress' pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he's divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren's lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton's used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.

"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."

Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.

This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it's not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an "I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods" interview are over. Now that he's single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.

There's good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I've heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he's no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood's inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.

The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A's STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.

"They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends," says another source.

Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, "You dropped ASkars for that?!"

The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he'll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he's getting too old for this shit, so I'm sure he'll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.

Early last year, Thomas Jane (the pier hobo above) and Patricia Arquette decided that they were sick of looking at each other's genitals every morning so they filed for divorce. A few months later, they both thought to themselves "You know, I miss seeing that bitch's genitals every morning" so they got back together. Well, now they are back to needing a different set of genitals in their lives, because they have filed for divorce AGAIN. Thomas Jane's spokesbitch issued this statement to People:

"The split is completely amicable and their prime focus is their daughter. They ask that their privacy be respected at this time."

That means Thomas will now spend his days trying to erase the memories of Patricia by remodeling the home they once shared together. Then when his house burns down, he'll live in a tent in the backyard and sell his Grade A dick on the side to make ends meet. Yes, I'm still watching Hung, but only because I'm still hoping that during an episode in the future they'll finally give me what I came for: HUNG DICK! I'll even take a prosthetic at this point! I'm that hard up.