Splits

Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl (or more importantly, the hooker with a heart of gold from the original Melrose Place) was granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, because she claims he is effing up her life with his threats and overall craziness. This is just the latest lukewarm butt nugget in the filthy dirty custody battle between Kelly and Daniel.

According to the documents, Kelly says Daniel has been following her, her nanny and her mother. This caused the nanny to quit, because Daniel would constantly harass her and ask her questions about Kelly. Kelly claims that last week, when the nanny wouldn't give up any info, Daniel threatened to sue her ass. Kelly, who is a proud member of the La Leche League, also added that she can't make enough titty milk for her 3-month-old, because Daniel has caused her stress. Does Kelly have Salma Hayek's number in her rolodex, because she can squirt the leche under any condition! Bombs could be dropping around her, but that wouldn't stop Salma's "heal the world" chichis from feeding everyone.

The judge ordered that Daniel must stay at least 100 yards away from Kelly's life. The only time he's allowed near her home or car is when he's on a court-ordered visit with their kids Hermes & Helena.

Daniel's lawyer farted back at the claims and said Kelly is making it all up.

And I'm not Match.com or anything, but I think we need to set up a date (in a mental hospital) between Daniel and Anne "Celestia" Heche. That right there is a match made in straitjacket heaven.

VIA People

Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses' marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn't take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.

A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck's lap any day now, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.

I don't blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she's good to go!

And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem "SK8R Boi." Every time I see Avril's male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly....without protection.

InTouch Weekly says that the douchey-tale romance between Ed Hardy's favorite butt buddy and Meth Brows has come to an end. Yes, you might as well quit your fuck time partner now, because if these two can't make it, nobody can. True love does not exist. It's confirmed.

A friend of Hailey Glassman (aka her weekday dealer) said that she's the one who killed their 4-month relationship, because Jon is a manwhore who will stick his pasty peen in anything that doesn't hiss or bark at him. Hailey knew something in the milk wasn't clean when Jon would regularly come home wearing different clothes he left in. Jon would tell Hailey that he just spilled a drink on himself. LIES. Jon's Ed Hardy t-shirts induce vomiting, so someone probably just barfed all over him after seeing the fuggery on his body.

The final straw came when Jon took his douche act to Las Vegas even though Meth Brows begged him not to go. The source went on to queef, "When Jon came back, he said very little to Hailey, but his phone spilled the details. He had several text messages and photos taken with girls, including a showgirl. Hailey was shocked that he didn’t bother to delete any of it from his phone.”

Jon isn't that smart in the brains, so I doubt he knows the delete button exists. And I'm more SHOCKED that he actually knows how to take pictures with his phone. Still can't wipe his ass on his own, but can take pictures with his phone. Boggled!

Jon really must be crying into his Ed Hardy panties today, because he recently said Meth Brows was is "soulmate" and he loves more than he ever loved Kate. And while Jon is doing that, Meth Brows can try to reconcile with her first and ONLY love: The potted plant who got away.

Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad haven't been together "like that" for over 10 years, but they have never divorced. Suddenly, Hef has decided to snip the cord and set Kimberly free. TMZ reports that Hef filed for divorce on Friday citing the good ole' "irreconcilable differences." Hef and Kimberly got married on July 1, 1989, but have been separated since January 12, 1998.

Hef says that the reason why he's legally quitting Kimberly's ass now is because she recently filed a $5 million lawsuit against him. Kimberly sued Hef after he fucked her by selling the house she and their sons were living in, which is next to the Playboy mansion.

In the documents, Hef states that he's already given Kimberly around $12 million, so he feels like he should only pay her $20,000 a month in spousal support.

You know, Hef could probably get away with paying her ass nothing due to the fact that their marriage is not valid. The last time I checked, humans and zombies could not legally get married in the State of California.

In possibly related news, a crazy blonde bitch in a white wedding dress was seen pulling up to the Playboy mansion IN THIS.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff from Dancing with the Has-Beens are no longer doing the wet nekkid mambo on each other, because they have canceled their engagement. Karina's spokeswhore confirms to E! that they have broken up.

Karina and Maksim got engaged early last year, but postponed their wedding until next year due to their "hectic schedules."

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Karina and Maksim have pink-slipped each other right before the new season of Dancing for a Paycheck starts.... Yeah, I doubt they broke up for publicity. They would NEVER do that!

Karina and Maksim didn't give a reason for their split, but let's just blame it on my arch rival CHERYL BURKE. Mop Head should be blamed for absolutely everything! If go home tonight and find that you're out of booze, BLAME MOP HEAD. If you're getting it from the back and the peen misses the hole, poking you in the crack, BLAME MOP HEAD. Blame it all on Mop Head!

Peter Andre and Katie Price's marriage was put under the guillotine and quickly beheaded this morning at London's High Court. The Mirror says that Peter or Katie were not present when a judge declared their officially marriage over. Peter and Katie listed "unreasonable behavior" as the reason for their divorce. Any whore who has seen more than two seconds of their reality show would co-sign that wholeheartedly!

I will admit that this brings the sads just a little bit. I mean, look at the picture above. There was a time when these two were the most elegant and delicate crystal flowers in England (sorry, Jodie Marsh). They were so classy that they made everyone want to masturbate with a pinky But then Katie decided she wanted to clean herself up and stop being such a skank.

That's when I immediately jumped off, because I cannot condone a born and bred slut turning her back on her roots. After that, Katie & Peter just weren't the same for me. But at least we'll always have this stunning portrait of refinement. So, we should thank them for that!

It's been about a month since LeAnn Rimes announced that she's quitting her babygayfaced husband Dean Rainbow Sherbet and now she's ready to drop The Big D on him. Sorry, Dean, by "The Big D," I meant "divorce" and not "dick." Sorry for making your glitter hole slobber. Just sprinkle a little salt on it to calm it down.

Twitter must have been down or some shit, because LeAnn chose to release the statement about her divorce on her website:

“After much thoughtful mutual consideration, Deane [her husband's given name] and I have agreed to move forward with dissolving our marriage. This decision was amicable and we remain committed and caring friends with great admiration for one another. Thank you so much for all of your continued love and support – it is deeply appreciated.”

Yes, I'm sure LeAnn thought about it a great deal while french kissing Eddie Cibrian's peen hole. and wiping the dick barf from her chin. I'm sure Eddie's dick is really a great listener and helped LeAnn make the right decision.

VIA UsWeekly

Noel Gallagher packed up his ego (in 3 dozen trunks and 25 refrigerator boxes) and walked out on Oasis last night and he claims this is the end of the end.

Oasis was supposed to play the Rock en Siene festival in Paris last night, but a few minutes before, the crowd was told that the show was canceled due to an "altercation" with the band members. That altercation turned out to be a cunt battle between Noel and Liam. Yeah, squeeze your ass cheeks and try to feel surprised.

The Sun says that one of their regular fights turned into a an all-out bitch war ending with Liam smashing one of Noel's guitars. That was Noel's cue to exit Liam's LIFE. Noel didn't miss one beat and quickly posted this little queef-covered statement on Oasis' website (I guess they didn't lock his ass out yet):

"It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer."

Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan."

And this is how Liam feels about it all:

I think it's safe to say that we all co-sign that response.

According to Gatecrasher, Chelsea Handler has put her boyfriend Ted Harbert on the curb. Some source close to Chelsea says that she fired his ass as her main peen and threw him out of their house. Ted is apparently living in a hotel now. The source added, "It's such drama."

So that means the E! offices are now filled with side-eyes, whispers and awkward silences, because Ted is the CEO of Comcast and Chelsea's direct boss. I know some of you are screaming that you shouldn't sex up your boss, but a dick is a dick! Sometimes we don't have control over whose peen are fuck part is going to slobber for.

Chelsea recently signed a multi-millionaire dollar deal to stay with E!, so I doubt her ass is going anywhere. Although, I can say that I wouldn't be completely surprised if they replace her with a talk show starring a string of dusty anal beads (aka the Kardashians, Kendra and Denise Richards).

Sean Penn and Robin Wright's yo-yo of a marriage is back down again. Robin Wright has once again filed for divorce for the third damn time. Third time's a charm?

People says that Robin filed for The Big D on August 12th in Marin County, CA. They list "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their split. Translation: Sean Penn still won't give up the bad shit and random pussy.

The documents also state that they will share custody of their 16-year-old son Hopper Jack. Robin is not asking for spousal support.

You know the ho at the court who handles the divorce papers is sick of seeing both of their names. Bitch just rolls her eyes, smacks her gum, stamps that shit and keeps it close just in case they change their minds again. For real, bitch should start up the paper shredder, because it won't be long before Robin and Sean take it all back. But for Robin's sake, I hope it sticks this time.