Big Ones

A site called HotPrisonPals.com (the go-to place for admirers of jail bird dick aka my new homepage) has posted what they say is a completely authentic picture of Mickey Mantle standing around in the locker room with his bare crotch bat and balls hanging out. And yeah, you just said "BATTER UP!!!" out loud. I totally heard you.

The owner of the site Sam Wagner tells Page Six that it was taken in the prime of his career with the Yankees. Sam explained how he got his hands other parts on the picture, "It was sent to me by a photographer who is very famous and I doubt would send me something not authentic. Mickey was such a big slugger. Damn."

After the jump, you can see for yourself if there's a "cut and paste cock" over Mickey's crotch or if that's really all of him. It's NSFW. It's also not safe if John Travolta is near your computer, because his tongue will hit the monitor before you know it and he will not let go. Yes, peen pictures are his frozen metal. JUMP!

A little over a week ago, Kirstie Alley proclaimed to her Twitter followers that 50 pounds of dead Thetans from her body threw themselves into a volcano and she only has 30 more pounds to lose. Then she Twatted a picture that was so overly Photoshopped that even Mimi told Kirstie to take her foot off the fuckery pedal. Well, here's a few pictures of Kirstie from the past couple of days. As Starzlife so perfectly puts it, those 50 pounds Kirstie lost must've found her ass.

If the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard can turn an ass cheek to John Travolta gobbling up sauna dick as though it's going extinct, he needs to love every inch of Kirstie's chunk. I mean, my guess is that Kirstie is so obsessed with telling everyone about every little pound she drops, because whenever she's about to bite into a delicious piece of deep fried pizza covered in cheese frosting (that actually sounds really good), she sees Xenu staring back at her with a "tsk tsk tsk" look on his face. Fuck Xenu and fuck him again for fucking with cheese frosting. Embrace the chunk, the way the crazy embraces you, Kirstie.

And in other Kirstie news, this story from The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) took me so high that I'm giving my bong the weekend off (not really). A source says, “Kirstie’s on an organic diet to lose weight. But she’s usually too lazy to go to the farmers market or store for produce and often swipes avocados, oranges, grapefruits, and other stuff from neighboring properties. People are getting really annoyed with her because she so doesn’t ask — she just takes.”

The image of Kirstie jumping over a brick wall to wrestle a pony over the last apple on the tree is my TGIF.

Playboy has already offer Jersey Shore's JWoww $400,000 to fully bare what a plastic surgeon gave her in the pages of their magazine, and now their little gay brother Playgirl wants Vinny to take off his Ed Hardy chonies for $30,000. So while JWoww is driving around in a Bentley she bought with her Playgirl money, Vinny can follow her in his brand new fully equipped Kia Sorrento! Kias get better mileage, thankyouverymuch.

Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Life & Style's Scene Queens that they put out the offer to Vinny after Snooki said on an episode of Jersey Whores that smooshing him was like putting a "watermelon into a pin hole." Snooki is already the side of a watermelon, so my guess is that Vinny's dick is bigger than her. Snooki normally looks like an Oompa Loompa, but when Vinny stuck it in she swole up like Violet Beauregarde. More like a garden snake eating a water buffalo.

Playgirl is not stopping there either. They also want to make a rubber replica of Vinny's watermelon cock through their company Clone-A-Willy. They will give Vinny a cut of the profits.

If Vinny has a dick that could break the fruit weight at a grocery store then Playgirl better up their offer. They paid Levi Johnston $150,000 and he didn't even show one peen lip. Vinny should charge by the pound.

And if Vinny gets sick of weak hos complaining that his "dick so large" situation leaves them with broken hip bones and sore throats (even though they didn't give him oral), then he needs to call up Medusa:

Brad Pitt floated into New Orleans today on the giant wing of an archangel to have a conversation with NBC's Brian "It's A Huge Issue" Williams about all the homes his Make It Right Foundation is building down there. And Brian conducted the interview while wearing FLAT-FRONT KHAKIS. Those three words make every size queen perk up and lean forward.

This is huge news in more ways than one, because Brian recently flirted with all of us by alluding that he has a hard time wearing flat-front khakis due to his inflated peen situation. And here he is wearing FLAT-FRONT KHAKIS (cue: perk up and lean forward). In these pictures you can't tell if Brian is hung like a German peacock with a peen pump collection, but my guess is that he flattened it out and wrapped it around his waist to keep the attention on Brad.

Here's more of Brian and Giant Shiloh in New Orleans today.

On the left is John Goodman last year looking like Uncle Fester after eating the entire Addams Family, and on the right is John Goodman at last night's AFI Tribute to Mike Nichols. Yes, John lost at least 2 DJs!

You go, Dan Connor! Although, I hope he doesn't go too far, because I don't know if I'm ready for a super skinny Dan Connor.

Hung, the HBO show about the adventures of a mammoth dick of wonder, is premiering in New Zealand and they erected this billboard in the middle of Auckland to let everyone know.

My nipples bark (they really do) for anything that advertises big dick, but this looks too much like a boiled egg to me. The bulge is probably coming from a chalupa dick. You know, short and stumpy. Like the Danny DeVito of bulges. And where is the panty elastic? Did it rip off due to the enormous weight of the obese peen? Yes, I've thought about this in detail. If I was in college, I'd write my thesis on this.

And you know Tommy Girl is going to find a way to climb up to that billboard and butt hump it.

via Copyranter

Kevin Smith exploded all over his Twitter page last night after Southwest Airlines hated on his chunk by pulling him off of a 1-hour flight from Oakland to Burbank. Kevin was already seated with his seatbelt fastened when he was told he would have to roll off the plane because the pilot labeled him a "flight risk." According to Kevin's fingertips, the pilot felt his fatness could crash the plane or his pit chunk could suffocate another passenger. Or maybe they are finally punishing him for Jersey Girl.

Here's some of Kevin's Twitter bacon-flavored (delicious) Twitter rant via SFist:

Dear @SouthwestAir - I know I'm fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn't give
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a "safety risk". Again: I'm way fat... But I'm not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

bag is up, and I'm seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who'd already I.d.ed me as "Silent Bob."
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no "safety risk" (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don't
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embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don't sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir.
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Wanna tell me I'm too wide for the sky? Totally cool. But fair warning, folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SOUTHWESTAIR.
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Kevin eventually made it home on ANOTHER Southwest flight, which he was not kicked off of.

The only thing I have to add to this is: WHY IN THE DEEP FRIED BUTTER HELL DID THIS NOT HAPPEN TO KIRSTIE ALLEY INSTEAD?!!!!? Reading her epic Twitter rant would've been like devouring an entire funnel cake covered with Fluff, Hershey's chocolate syrup and Churro chunks. It would've been Christmas, my birthday and National Brownie Day rolled into one. It would've been better than a blowjob from a watermelon (so I've heard).

And since we're on the subject of Southwest vs. the chubs, here's a clip from one of my favorite reality shows Airline, which addresses this issue:

There's a lot here for your eyeballs to digest. Actually, I don't think they will get to the digest part. You better line your keyboard with Saran wrap just in case.

Here's Hayden Panatroll and her boyfriend Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko at some event in Hamburg, Germany this past weekend. The suffocating pecs. The pony tail that was tied with a pair of feet. The fact that she's 5'1". The fact that he's 6'6". And the fact that she looks like she can easily get away with ordering off the kid's menu without getting carded. Mother Goose needs to whip her BIC out and write a folktale based on these two.

And you know what the saddest part is? They probably can't 69 without stretching hours before! Wladimir could break his neck bone in two just trying to touch her troll cooch with the tip of his tongue. Dude can only lightly blow on it through a long straw.

The other day, Gary Coleman had to be calmed down with a bag of animal crackers and a milk box after he threw a tantrum over the producers of his movie Midgets vs. Mascosts using a dick double in one of the scenes.

Gary asked his fans to just say no to the movie, "I wanted all my fans to protest my penis being in the movie, because I didn't want that. It's a body double, I believe, because I certainly was not gonna do this. And I heard that the body double is ugly, and is unattractive, and does not make me look good."

Well, Rhymes with Snitch claims they got a hold of a screen shot featuring the dick double. It's waiting for you after the jump. You might want to hold on to something sturdy and a put a piece of duct tape over your mouth so you don't wake the children. (NSFW) JUMP!

Pamela Anderson left a book signing in Los Angeles last night carrying Kevin Spacey's favorite reading/humping/licking/masturbating material.

You know, I'm not sure why Pamela Anderson really needs this book in her trailer library (aka a basket next to the toilet). If she wants to see a big dick that can turn a no-no into a NO!NO!NO!REALLY!NO!, she just has to open up her family album and flip to the chapter labeled: "Tommy 1995." And if she wants to see a giant penis of a different variety, she can flip to the chapter labeled: "Kid Rock 2001."

Here's more of Pamela Anderson, her Bible of Big Dick and Hugh Hefner at a signing in L.A. last night.