Big Ones

Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.

There's my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he's going to miss.  I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza.  HEARTS.

In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love.  I'm actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They've worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won't Back Down on his Recovery LP in '10.

According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia's Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:

"He said, "Do you want to do a song with me?" "F*** yeah!"
I said, "Do you want to do a song with me?" and he said, "F*** yeah!"
'Handshake. Nothing signed. Done."

Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more "FUCK YEAH" at work and a lot less "yes ma'am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you"?? Wouldn't it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
"You want this burger and fries bitch?"
"Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?"
"Fuck yeah!"

And second, fuck yeah.

Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning....HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don't judge me.

And to celebrate Pink's motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.

Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:

"Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…"

This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance....

The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood."

The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards!

So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

Marc Jacobs' former fiance Lorenzo Martone meticulously manicured the hair scarf hugging his face the same way some of us meticulously manicure our taint bush into shapes of the season (mine's Rudolph's head poking out of a wreath), so I didn't think Marc would ever find a piece who puts hair face grooming first. I stand corrected, because the Internet is saying that Marc is spreading his nipples all over this South American piece with a world-class eyebrow situation. (Joe Jonas, take note, this is what those wolf pubes over your eyes would look like after a visit from tweezers and an ice cub.)

The hot piece hugging on Marc from the back is Brazilian porn star and (NSFW) rent boy Harry Louis and he Tweeted out the picture above along with a note about how he's in love...blah blah blah...Paris...love... blah blah blah.... etc... GPS Brasilia has been saying for a couple of weeks now that Harry is Marc's new bought-and-paid-for bitch. Harry refused to say anything about this shit (a smart hooker never tells) and Marc closed his lips to the rumor that he's pulling a Calvin Klein.

I know your ass Googles Marc Jacobs' name every night before you go to bed so you can rest with the assurance of knowing that you know everything about Marc Jacobs' personal life, but I have a good reason for posting this shit. This reason is the answer to all of your questions!

You: Michael, why are you posting this shit?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why does Marc Jacobs look like his overworked jaw is about to file a forced labor claim against his mouth?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why would Marc fly that trick to Paris and shower him with expensive gifts?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

And since you're only looking at this post, because your eyes flew to the words "FAT PEEN" like, well, like eyes to the words "FAT PEEN," (NSFW) click here to see it. Warning: If you have a prostate, looking at that double stuffed dick might put (more) bruises on it. Looking at it will also give you a lunch craving for a monster burrito with extra beans. I'll place your order now.

via Gawker

Aaaaaand add this to the long list of shit we can blame Tyra for.

On the left is Melissa Gorga, the tone-deaf trophy wife of Teresa Giudice's (aka Gorilla Head) brother on The Real Housewives on New Jersey. On the right is Melissa Gorga wearing a recycled low-budget fat suit and a droopy prosthetic chin for one of those useless social experiment episodes of Entertainment Tonight. We know how this is going to go. Melissa is going to cry about how everyone stared at her and treated her differently when she had on the fat suit, and once she transforms back into a vapid skinny bitch she'll treat fat people with kindness. Or some other jack off hand motion like that.

Bitch, people aren't staring at you, because you're fat and have a camera crew following you. They're throwing you scared looks, because you don't even have a human body. People don't look like that. You look like a bag of melted caramel marshmallows after a Pepto-Bismol bottle shat all over it. Not to mention that your chin is about to unlock from your head and fall to the sidewalk to be devoured by pigeons. Eric Stoltz in Mask, you are not!

I'm all for ET conducting one of these social experiments even though they have been done a thousand times before and are so played out that even Fishsticks Paltrow's stupid ass did it in a movie, but couldn't they have spent more money on a better fat suit? The Bed, Bath and Beyond plastic bags full of 4 pillows that I carried on the subway this past weekend would've made a better fat suit than that piece of shit crap on her body. A STUNT QUEEN with a pauper budget is the worst.

Massive Mocha, please squash this dumb bitch.

By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the "s" is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin' table.

xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris' whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick's dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples.

Jane: We’re getting the hook -- they're telling us we're out of time! Okay, wait -- is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is.

Kourtney: I would think he is.

Kim: (decidedly not feeling us) I don't really like questions like that.

Khloe: We got all of the preview of Scott at his parents'.

Kim: Even today. Honestly, it’s way too much. He has to start wearing some tighty-whities.

Khloe: He was wearing pajama pants and no undies and you could see it all.

Kim: So inappropriate.

Kourtney: It's like an elephant's trunk.

Kim: You guys!

Khloe: He kept going, “I’m trying to compete with Lamar” and I was like "Oh, stop it, you two."

Kourtney: I just got a Google alert, because Scott and I just had our date night.

Kim: You have your own Google alerts? We have that on record: Kourtney has her own Google alerts and checks them.

Kourtney: We went on a date night in the Meatpacking last night, so the story said, “The Meatpacking District isn’t the only thing packing meat!” Scott was wearing a suit with no underwear last night, so you could see, like, something.

Kim: What?! Like, that’s NOT normal. We have got to by him some underwear for his birthday or something. This is freaking me out.

Kourtney: He never has any!

Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don't remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn't snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position.

While I stirred powdered cream into my coffee this morning, all I could think about was how I would need a bigger mug if I was using Kurt Cobain's dick to do the stirring. I can thank chronic mouth diarrhea sufferer Courtney Love for that. The TMI switch in Courtney's brain is still stuck on "off", so she's been on a damn roll lately.

Yesterday, Courtney educated us on a crazy tea that takes you on a ride through the Matrix with Laurence Fishburne, and now she's bringing a whole new meaning to IN BLOOM. This also brings a new meaning to IN UTERO, because according to Court, Kurt's dick was so large that he could get into your uterus while hitting it from the front. For GQ's tribute to Nirvana, Courtney dropped this little (or should I say, big) nugget:

"Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well fucking hung, if you really want to know."

So that's the real reason for why Courtney Love can't shut her mouth hole. I thought bad coke gave her a case of permanent lockjaw. Blame Kurt Cobain's peen.

via NME

Hayden Panettiere is 5'1" and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6'6", so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden's fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there's a peen, there's a way!

"He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they're like, 'Does it work?' Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, 'I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I'm really sorry but…'"

It's really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir's dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can't put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out... It wouldn't be a good thing. There's always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Mimi is not letting a little thing called FULL OF BABIES!!! get in the way of selling her line of 1980s hooker sneakers, bottled pregnancy farts (smells like old honeycombs and Hello Kitty's amniotic fluid) and bedazzled butterfly trinkets on HSN last night. In the above clip, Mimi makes it known that she's seven matte shades of NOT AMUSED when HSN shows a shot her looking like a bloated and beached merwhale waiting for Greenpeace volunteers to roll her back into the ocean so that she continue to entertain sea life with the magical musical notes that dance out of her blowhole.

That wasn't right of HSN. It also wasn't right for the host to do nothing while Mimi's swole hooves are practically in his face. Make yourself useful, ho! Grab the cotton candy oil and massage the ache out of 'em! The Care Bear Stare Princess is waiting!

If you need more of Mimi from last night, click here for a bunch of clips.

(Thanks Bruce)

Up until a few faps, I mean, a few minutes ago, I knew nothing about this Jeff Brazier dude, but nothing will make me Google Image a ho with one hand while plastic wrapping my chair with the other like reading the words: "I can lick my own dick!" The quickest way to a slut's hole is to utter those words.

Torso of the week award winner Jeff Brazier is a British reality whore who used to be a footballer and dated the late Jade Goody for a couple of years. And apparently, Jeff is so hung that his dick can knock the nuggets off your tonsils while he fucks you. So it's really no surprise that Jeff can make out with his peen's mouth. While doing an interview for Dancing on Ice, Jeff said that his self-fellatio act has quickly become his go-to party trick.

"I do! I've not performed it for some time, but it originated from when I was an apprentice at Leyton Orient. The older pros had noticed that I had a talent, and one night, when I was on reserves, one of them said to me, 'I bet you could probably suck your own thingy, couldn't you?' And then another one went, 'Go on, try it!'

I did, yeah. I was young and pretty impressionable. I managed to touch myself with my tongue. I didn't spend too long down there, I have to say. It was just making the contact that was the impressive part. But I think it was just to do with being young and flexible. I've not tried recently. I did it for everyone when I was on Shipwrecked. We were all a bit down 'cos it had been raining, and the cameras were off, so I was like, 'Hey everyone, have a look at this!'... It's legendary! I feel lucky that I've been given a good few inches above average."

This declaration from Jeff falls directly under the PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN category. I really don't know if I believe Jeff at all. If I could do that, the only sounds you'd get from me after asking a question would be: kljklajdfkladddseesjfkjdjd..... slurp.... jljkladmmsfjkljfeee... gargle... gulp... zzjljlkjkljkl. Actually, that'd be one of the most articulate answers I've ever given, so maybe I should start stretching, praying, pumping and training.

And because you want to see, here's a picture of Jeff's Big Ben bulge:

I don't know whether I want to strap that thing around a steering wheel for security or spoon with it on a sofa.