Big Ones

Here's a quick update on Levi Johnston's dick flashing situation. His manger Tank tells TMZ that Levi is getting his peen ready for its close-up, because it will be smiling for Playgirl's cameras: "Everything's gonna hang out. We're talking full johnson."

Tank went on to say that Levi will take all his panties off for Playgirl on November 16th. That happens to be the same day his kid's memaw, Sarah Palin, appears on Oprah for the first time.

You don't have to worry about jizzing up your monitor, because Playgirl plans to put out a special print edition (they are currently online only) of Levi's spread just in time for Christmas.

Levi can finally stop with the teasing. For the past couple of weeks he's been farting about how he may or may not bring the dick to the party. One minute, the tip is peeking out and the next minute, it's nestling back in his pants. Seriously, it felt like the longest first date EVER.

Image via Flickr

I'd show my bits for a drop of sweat you claim you collected from Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's forehead during one of his giggle fits. And I'd even do it knowing that the sweat most likely came from a homeless junkie's upper lip. So, I'm easy. And so is Levi Johnston! Dude needs to stop teasing about showing his peen. Levi's manager/Palin-blocker Tank has already said there's a 90% chance that we will see Levi's moneymaker in his Playgirl spread, but he decided to play coy on his Twitter the other day by asking this question.

We all know Levi will drop the wang for two pieces of moose jerky and a Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch Doll. Stop the Twittering, and whip it out.

By the way, since Levi typed "WANG" Kanye-style, does that mean he's hung like a Gaga? Yes, I always get over-analytical when it comes to dude dick.

VIA Jezebel

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

It looks like Sarah Palin will be able to see Levi's goods from her house, because he is going to drop them panties and get nekkid for Playgirl.com. TMZ says that Levi has been spending a lot of time at the gym to get his body ready to pose for pictures that thousands of gay dudes will rub their genitals all over (GUILTY). But there's one issue, Levi's "handler" says he's trying to decide whether or not to show his shaved caribou or his pair of bearded seals. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. Basically, he wants to show either his dick or ass.

Let's take a vote. All of you in favor of seeing his ass, punch yourself in the crotch bone, because you should want to see THE PEEN instead! Fuck his ass (panty creaming moment)! Show us the Alaskan-bred MEAT! Yes, it's probably a little frost-bitten and shrively from living in an igloo park, but a few slaps on a hot log will warm it up and get it camera ready!

Come on, Levi's peen, pucker up for the camera and say, "YOU BETCHA!"

Four years ago, if you trashed Russell Crowe, he would respond by turning your face into a dartboard and using a telephone as his dart. Well, Russell has grown up (insert fat fat fatty joke here) and handles things a little differently nowadays. Today, Russell will just make you beg for his forgiveness in between coughing up your lung and shitting out your stomach.

Earlier this week, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph farted on Russell for smoking and devouring tacos during a 13-mile bike ride with his trainer. The next morning, Annette Sharp, the columnist who gave Russell caca, received a call from a spokeswhore who said, "Get on your bike. Russell wants you to go riding with him. Are you ready to eat pie die?" When someone asks you if you're ready to die, you grab a shank and call the authorities. That's some Scream shit. But Annette decided to take Russell's challenge instead.

The two met the next morning along with Russell's assistant and a camera dude from the Telegraph. Russell took Annette on a 12-mile bike ride through Sydney. Even though Annette fell off her bike once, she managed to complete the ride. Afterwards, Annette and Russell had some ciggies and tacos. Russell didn't take the opportunity to whoop Annette's ass, instead he congratulated her on finishing his challenge and added, "Baz holds the record for being the worst cycling tourist we've ever taken for a ride. You are twice the man Baz Luhrmann is…on a bicycle. I don't know how you'd be on a film set."

When did Russell get so nice? Let's do the math! A chilled out Russell Crowe + a BBRC (big beautiful Russell Crowe) = HOOKED ON THE GOOD SHIT. Russell found peace inside a bong. His temper got smaller, but his ass got bigger. Makes sense.

Just for the record, I'd rather Russell beat me down with a phone than make me go on an ugly ass bike ride.

VIA E! Online

Meet Steve, just a regular dude with a mullet who wanted to give the world a little taste of his soothing singing voice, but instead gave us an eyeful (and throatful, ugh).

On UK's The X-Factor over the weekend, Steve sang "It's My Party" while the judges and audience laughed at the major party going on in his crotch area. And what in the Elephantitis hell is going on in his crotch area? Steve either has a major case of Cisco Adler-itis or he's got peen for daaaaaays. Or maybe he stuffed a Susan Boyle doll down there for good luck?

Poor Steve. All he wants to do is sing, but his big bulge just won't let him be great.

Meet 25-year-old jail inmate George Vera from Houston. Dude admitted to correctional officers that he hid a gun under his fat rolls before he was checked into the jail house. This was after the officers searched his ass at least 3 times after he was booked. FYI: I'm pretty sure he's a dude, but I don't think you'll find a police officer in the entire land who will want to jump in and confirm this. No takers.

A Houston police official said that they go through training on how to search fatty fat fatties, "We teach officers to lift up and look under. But the officer may not have arrested anyone this big before. They can be so big, basically short of strip searching or searching cavities, they could miss something like this."

600lb George, who was originally arrested for selling bootleg CDs, approached an officer during shower break and admitted to smuggling in the gun. George was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility and was released on bond.

You know, you have to give it up to George. Dude is working with what McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC, Quizno's, IHOP and (insert every other fine restaurant establishment here) gave him!

And it doesn't state this in the article, but they also found the bullets in his belly button, a silencer under his right titty, a monogrammed sock with the initials J.H. under his left titty, Heidi Montag's dignity in one of his armpit lips, a butter churn in his crotch area (maybe that was his peen?) and the joo-ree missing from Lindsay Lohan's Elle photo shoot tucked into his back fat.

Source (Thanks Larissa)

Most nights I sit in my living praying that a giant wiener crashes through my window and taps me on the ass, but note to the heavens above, this is not what I mean. Yesterday afternoon in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, a chick rammed her giant plastic wiener into someone's front door. Sounds like a regular night at SamRo's house....

The police told The Associated Press that the driver was trying to turn a Wienermobile around in the driveway, but hit the house when she thought she was going in reverse instead of forward. Nobody was home at the time and the driver was not injured. A spokeswhore for Oscar Mayer said insurance will cover that mess.

The Wienermobile was stuck in the house's vagina most of Friday. That's what it gets for not using lube. You learn the hard way.

And it looks like the wiener didn't use a condom, so expect that house to pop out a baby sausage in about nine months.

Soulja Boy posted a picture on his Twitter of what he claims is his dick boner in his chonies. It kind of looks more like an obese salamander trapped in a tent. Something in the milk ain't clean, but you be the judge. The picture is after the jump. It might be slightly NSFW-ish. JUMP!!!

This is a preview for Fox's More to Love which is just like The Bachelor, but with "real" people. And no, it doesn't take place in a Claim Jumper's.

The first part makes the chicks look so pathetic. All the single BBWs I know don't cry about how they desperately want to find love. They cry when Hometown Buffet cuts us off, but not over being alone in life. You're never alone in life as long as pie exists.

Come to think of it, the scrawny skanks of The Bachelor are also this pathetic, right? I guess that's just a universal thing. Black, white, skinny, fat....it doesn't matter. Being on a network reality dating show will automatically make you seem like you're a cat hoarder who spends her Saturday nights re-enacting the wedding scene from Muriel's Wedding with your stuffed animals.

With all that being said, I will still be watching for the drunk fuckery.