Duffs

Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino's divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren't in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.

Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down "adultery" as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn't even scream "BLAAAAAAAKE" at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!

I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming "BLAAAAAAKE" for old time's sake, because this means I have to start calling him just "Blake." Or just "fucktard," because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.

The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.

Source: People

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

There's a vicious, vicious, vicious remake of Bonnie & Clyde currently in the works starring Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers. If Satan was a chipmunk-fucking movie producer, he would be behind this slaughter party. Shit like this makes me want campaign for a drug free America, because whoever came up with this brilliant idea was definitely shooting up some of the bad, bad shit.

Faye Dunaway is in my box, because the Chicago Sun-Times says that when she was told about it, she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?''

Hilary Duff's jumbo Chiclets were knocked out of her teeth after hearing those 8 beautiful words from Master Faye. That must have felt like a wire hanger up the ass. Hook first. The truth always destroys.

Hilary Duff has a new video out for her song "Reach Out," which completely samples rips off Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus." No. No. No. This is illegal, right? A ho like Hilary Duff can't just take a Depeche Mode song, rip it to shreds, violate it and spit all over it! Something must be done! I want to reach out and slap her.

When I turn off the sound, the video isn't that bad. But Hilary Duff is trying to bring the sexy and it isn't really working. It's like a cutesy chipmunk, putting on lingerie and trying to sex you with their eyes. It's a little uncomfortable.

After you listen to that abomination above, wash your ears out with this:

The Lohans have a little competition for the "dumbest dysfunctional family in the world" award. Yesterday, Hilary Duff's mother called a court hearing to ask her future ex-husband for $25,000 to throw a 21st birthday party for Hilary. $25k?! Just give her a couple of sugar cubes and carrots! That will make her neigh in delight.

Susan Duff took the stand and said $25k is also what they paid for Haylie's 21st birthday party two years ago. Susan also needs the money to buy Hilary a birthday pressie. Cheap bitch! Make her a fucking card! Susan, just print this out, sign your name at the bottom and give it to Hilary.

The $10k Bob Duff currently pays Susan isn't enough to cover bills, so it's certainly not enough to pay for Hilary's stupid party. Susan said that Hilary feels emotionally abandoned by her daddy and deserves "to have some kind of recognition for a young life well-lived." Susan went on to say that Bob is a millionaire and he has the money.

The judge ordered Bob to pay $12,500 to Susan for Hilary's lame dog and pony birthday show. The judge didn't stop there! He also threw Bob in the slammer for 10 days for selling assets not approved by the court. He must also pay back the $367,537 he earned from selling the stocks.

While Bob was led out of the court room in handcuffs, Susan said, "This isn't what I wanted."

Why can't Hilary pay for her own dumb party?! When I turned 21, I had to pay for that shit myself! It was held at the luxurious Olive Garden because they used to give you a free chocolate cake at the end of your delicious meal! Not just a piece of chocolate cake either. A whole cake! For free! And they sang a beautiful and memorable song to me. This isn't the same song they serenaded me with, but it's just as crappy. Clip below:

Source

Truth be told, I totally adore Haylie Duff. I always root for the underdog of the family. Underdog is just a nice way of saying "fuglier and less talented." Haylie is also the older Duff sister which fucks up nature.

The young sister always lives in the shadow of the hotter, older bitch. Beyonce and Solange. Jessica and Ashlee. Michelle and DeeDee. I take that back. La Toya Jackson is way hotter than Janet and she's older.

Fuck Hilary! Haylie's career needs a little attention. If they ever do a "Friends" movie, she can play Janice's fuglier and slower little sister.

Here's Haylie and her sister at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "War Inc." last night. It's Hilary's movie. Haylie is just there to stuff some bar snacks into her purse for dinner this week. Well, the bitch doesn't work often!

Hilary & Haylie Duff were at a hearing in their parents' divorce case in Houston today when some annoying reporter kept trying to talk to them or get a picture or something. The reporter kept lunging at them, but their bodyguards kept pushing him back. The girls and their mother walk through the maze of the courthouse as this dude keeps getting at them.

The reporter says something like, "Mam, I can't believe your behavior here today" or something to that effect and Haylie responds, "Can you believe your job? You fucking (something)." The reporters fires back with, "Did you just curse?! Oh my God!" To which Haylie says, "Oh my God...you're a pathetic loser."

Usually I can't stand these two show ponies, but that reporter is lucky he didn't get Haylie's horeshoe up his ass. Haylie should've let down her mane and gone wild on him.

Click here if you're having trouble with the video

Source: TMZ