Truly Awful Music

That's how long it took me to hit the CLT+ALT+IQUITTHISBITCH command on this lukewarm pile of absolutely horrificness. And of course it comes to us from the walking puss-filled ass wart known as Heidi Montag. Seriously, my ears were about to crawl into my head to escape this slaughter. I can't even call this music. This is a terrorist attack and should be treated as such! Every day is April Fool's for this piece of chewed off scab.

Ryan Gaycrest attacked humanity this morning by debuting Heidi's "Look How I'm Doing" on his KIIS-FM show. More like Look How I'm Doody (GONG!). This might be the first time that every effect on a Playskool Magic Keyboard has been used on a "song." And it also makes sense that Heidi sounds like she's getting a train ran on her while "singing" this mess, because that's what she had to do to get this fuckery made.

You will need to cleanse your ears, so allow Top Design's Wisit to wash away the ugliness you just listened to.

The pictures of Joaquin Phoenix looking like a slobbery hairball coughed up by some beat down alley cat have already tortured your retinas enough, so I figured I'd post a picture of him when he was a hot piece. When he didn't look like you could find a crusted-over block of Philadelphia cream cheese under his dick. Oh, memories.

Not only has your eyes suffered burns from Joaquin's new look, but your ears also have battle scars if you listened to new his new "hip-hop" act. There was a lot of talk that his new act was just that....a fucking act. Some whore said it was all performance art. Joaquin is now swearing on his maggot-covered nutsack that his new rap career is authentic.

Joaquin told the Associated Press (via People), "There's not a hoax. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention. I had a lot of dudes (MK says, 'KFed and MC Skat Kat don't count, Joaquin') come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it. Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it's hard, it's going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me."

The recession is a living, breathing thing and Joaquin is pulling this shit? Well, at least he already has the crazy hobo look down when all his money dries up. Seriously, I just wish he would push his rap skills down in the basement where they belong and put on a clean, cozy straitjacket.

Sasha Fierce strikes again! She totally whispered into the vents, "Soooolaaaaange.... Your destiny is to cover Coldplay.... It is your destiny.... fulfill it." Solange thought the basement voices were speaking to her again and this is how this shit was born. If you stick your ear close to the speaker, you can almost hear Sasha Fierce's haughty laugh because she got Solange again! Damn!

Even though my ear drums will never be the same, I do like Solange's "cramped in the basement" moves. These are the moves she pulls when she's wiggling through the air ducts to escape the basement.

And since we're on the subject of Sasha Fierce's fuckery, here's a bonus clip of an all-stars Single Ladies tribute starring Cubby, Arianna and those three BBWs on THE LOOK AT ME, I"M TY TY BANKS SHOW last week. Ty Ty obviously couldn't afford Shane Mercado's services.

Thanks Eli & Amiee

This shit is going around the internets and it's supposedly the most powerful man in the universe Brooke Hogan screeching along to Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You."

You know, for lunch I had a Cup O Noodle, six Bagel Bites and like eight Pepperidge Farm Milanos. That shit has made me feel bloated everywhere. Even in my fingernails. That's why I'm going to listen to Brooke's trans warble over and over again. If I listen to it enough, I may start barfing up my lunch through my ears. Brooke will be doing me a favor.

This shit sounds like she recorded it while doing karaoke by herself. Her peen hole would've sang it better.

P.S. - Blame MileyLovesYou11 for this suckery.

VIA ONTD

I was beginning to think that American Idol looser (that's how we spell it around these parts) Sanjaya was working as a morning-shift shampoo girl at some salon in Shoreline, Washington, but he isn't! Sanjaya is leaping back into America's hearts like a precious deer with flowing Yanni-like locks with his new EP "Dancing to the Music in My Head" due out in exactly two weeks!

I wish Sanjaya's music in his head would stay there....forever. Yes, keep the music in your head, Sanjaya. It's safe there. No one will hurt it if it just stays in your head and isn't released into the wild. You can even dance to it. By yourself. Alone. In your head. Alone. Keep it there.

I feel like if I was trippin' out on shrooms or computer duster, I would completely become one with this album cover. I would dance inside this Cost Plus fuckery amongst the stars and swirlies. But since I'm as sober as a 4-year-old, it looks like it was made by his fans. And by "fans" I mean his big-tittied sister and that crazy crying girl. Actually, scratch that crazy crying girl. Even she moved on to David Archuleta and his baby teeth.

If you did some fucked up shit last night and need to torture yourself, head on over to Amazon to preview some of his songs. Or better yet, just watch Sanjaya's performance below. Watching this Bollylimp shit is like the equivalent of cutting yourself, but it won't leave nasty scars. i-Cutting!

Source: SOW

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song:

Who is Kanye West going to blame for his truly ass-cheek-clenching performance on SNL last night? This shit was first degree murder on my ear drums.

His microphone probably forged a fake passport last night after this shit, so it could flee the country this morning, because it knows Kanye is coming after it. After Kanye tracks down his mic and screams at it for a good twelve hours straight, he's going to file a multi-zillion dollar lawsuit against the Auto-Tune bitches for trying to take him down. And finally, Kanye's going to order his vocal cords into the corner for a time out, because they quit his ass several times during this song. His vocal cords could use a fucking time out, so this isn't a bad idea.

The voice of this generation kind of sounds like me with four hangovers and a sore throat (too much peen blowing) singing in the bath tub while trying hard to make a pee fountain.

That being said, I love Kanye's choice of screensaver for a backdrop! Above is Kanye performing Love Lockdown and below is him doing Heartless. I thoroughly enjoyed the Pinocchio shit!

The singing voice of this generation will never get a chance to share her beautiful gift on the world's stage.

On "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," mega producer Dallas Austin was helping Kim become the next Dolly Parton or something. There was always a problem though. First of all, Dolly would never put Kim's stuffed animal wig on her head. Second of all, Kim has the voice of a dying wild boar. Dallas knew this all along, but he was apparently only helping Kim for TV. Wait. You're telling me parts of reality TV are scripted and not real?! Next you're going to tell me that Kim really is 30! Sorry, I will NEVER believe that. Even if you shove her birth certificate down my throat. I'll gladly swallow it, shake my head and still say, "Nope. Tastes phony."

Anyway, Dallas posted the picture above on his MySpace blog along with the message:

... THE "REAL" Housewife, Kim Zolciak, is NOT WORKING WITH ME --

WE ARE NOT DOING A SONG...

WE ARE NOT DOING AN ALBUM!!

*** JUST WANNA PUT THIS OUT THERE!!! ***

The CAPS means he's fucking serious! And the *s means he's very VERY serious. I got Dallas' message loud and clear, but we all already knew this. The chunky loogie I spit up this morning has a better chance of releasing an album than Kim does.

On last night's season finale (*TEARS*), Dallas called up Kim to tell her that she's not taking this singing this seriously. He told her she had to quit smoking and start running 3 hours a day. He's right. Her wig could use the exercise. It's looking a little chunky in the mid-section.

And I love that at the beginning of the clip Kim is telling her nanny/assistant to return some stuff to Neiman Marcus and Gucci. What the hell is this low budget bitch buying from Gucci?! Her clothes look like they come directly from the clearance rack at Dot's.

No. Katie Holmes should never be allowed to sing outside of Tommy's soundproof Scientology dungeon. She should not sing or try to dance anywhere else. It's making L. Ron Hubbard angry and Tommy doesn't want to do that.

Above is a clip from "Eli Stone" of Stepford Katie trying way too hard to bring the sexy while bouncing around and shrieking. If you're going to watch it, turn the volume down unless you want to set off a few car alarms or open your garage door. Okay, the last part of her singing isn't that bad, but the whole thing is just really awkward. Tommy Girl should have done this shit instead. He definitely would have brought the big girl sexiness the role required.

Below are some pictures of Katie and Suri shopping around yesterday. In the last thumbnail, I think Katie is trying to sing a lullaby to Suri and she doesn't approve.

I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!