Truly Awful Music
If you want your ears to grow a protective layer of hair of around themselves just listen to Avril Lavigne's song for the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack. You will want to swallow every blue pill and throw yourself down ANY hole.
The "hyena getting castrated with a butter knife" wail coming out of Avril's mouth is probably the same sound an angsty Emo tween makes when his parents delete his MySpace page.
Heidi Montag, delusion's favorite spokesperson, said that she truly believes her album Superficial is destined to become the next Thriller. According to Wikipedia, Thriller has sold an estimated 65-100 million copies worldwide. Well, Heidi only has only 64,999,342 copies to go before she touches Michael Jackson's pinky toe, because UsWeekly says her album was downloaded only 658 times in one week.
Heidi claims that she went flat broke putting her album together, because she spent almost $2 million of her own money on it. Heidi went on to queef, "The songs will make an impact in pop history." Nielsen Soundscan reports that these historically important songs have been downloaded 6,000 times collectively.
The thing is, you know 657 of those downloads came from Spencer. The other download was made by the US military who uses it as a tool of torture.
It's still not 2010 for some of us, so it's not too late to name this as the SONG OF THE DECADE! Shit, this might be the anthem of all our lives! It's the hatetress of hate Megan Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (those "God Hates Fags" loontardians) and her parody of Lady CaCa's Poker Face. It features such amazing lyrics as, "Lady GayGay," "God hates you," and "your whorish face." Listen to this wreck:
Megan should come write for Dlisted! Yeah, I know I should be cyber fisting this crazy bitch in the mouth, but I can't help but want to party with her.
While we're all doing shots, she'll scream at how our souls will turn to ash in the fiery pits of Hell. And then after catching us sucking dick in the men's bathroom, she'll spit in our ear (foreplay) and tell us that our whore faces are worth a first class ticket to Lucifer's chambers. Keep giving us that dirty filthy talk, Megan!
What's really hilarious is that Megan says "Poker Face" is the devil's music, but she probably listened to that song a million times while working on her parody. That means she'll be making s'mores with us in the giant chiminea known as Hell. Save us a seat, Megan!
And here's the object of Megan's lady erection showing off her tuck game in Miami this morning.
I didn't know Twiki from Buck Rogers was doing vocal for Flavor Flav. That's the only reasonable explanation for why Foofy Foo's new single "I'll Never Let You Go (An Ode to Auto-Tune)" sounds like a robot with Tourettes singing into a high-powered fan. This will make you want to kick technology in the crotch bone.
Jay-Z was dead wrong about auto-tune taking a nap in a coffin anytime soon. Auto-tune is alive and well thanks to this future Grammy-winning masterpiece. Shift fuckery into sixth gear and ride the hell away from this disaster.
On a positive note, this is the perfect song if you're a greedy bitch who is getting married soon. As soon as this classic plays over the speakers for the "first dance," every guest, cater waiter and in-law will bust out of there. More booze and cake for you!
via ONTD (Thanks Brandy)
I'm sure that one of Miley Cyrus' life-long dreams is to take a ride on the Rock of Love Bus, but since Vh1 has invested in one of those fake ID scanners, she'll have to wait another year to fulfill her dream. In the meantime, Miley will show her love for Poison by covering the sad truck stop stripper anthem "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Miley's singing voice is like a thorn in my ear, so I guess this makes sense.
Miley's mama je'e, Trish, explained to People as to why her daughter decided to cover that shit, " 'Every Rose' is one of her all-time favorite songs and she is really excited about cutting it."
Cutting it?! I couldn't have said it better myself, ole' Trish!
Miley already cut the cover in NYC, and Bret Michaels says that he may spread his guitar magic all over the track.
If DJ Lady Tribe hasn't been captured by the makers of Zovirax for testing, I hope she makes a cameo in the video for this mess. DJ Lady Tribe, Bret Michaels and Miley Cyrus really are The Three Kings of 2009.
This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.
This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.
JLo has decided to give the music thing another shot. She's got a new song out called "Fresh Out of the Oven," but she's releasing it under her new alter ego "Lola." That means JLo is dead, and LOLa is now here to terrorize us with her high-pitched shrills that no amount of auto-tune can hide. When JLo, I mean, JLola, hits those sky high notes, angels cut out their ear drums.
The title totally works since this song makes me want to push something fresh (it's not-so-fresh) out of my butt oven. Sorry, it was necessary. And why is JLola singing about her cookie?! Instead of singing about cookies, bitch needs to make some to give to Skeletor.
Aubrey O'Day has already shit on the timeless masterpiece that is Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time" and now she's squatted over New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle." And she changed the lyrics. Way to take a strap-on to a song and ass fuck it without lube.
If Bizarre Love Triangle fell on hard times, was forced to give blow jobs in truck stop bathrooms for food stamps and caught throat gonorrhea, it would sound just like this. No, that's not a compliment. Not this time anyway.
VIA I'm Not Obsessed
After reading about the sadness that is Sam the koala's death (see below), we all could use a laugh. So here's one: Posh Beckham is going to be a guest judge on American Idol. You know, that singing competition. Yes, Posh is actually going to judge people's singing abilities. I'm not saying that Paula Abdul was Pavarotti, but DAMN TO THE FUCK! I mean, this isn't America's Next Mayjah Non-Food-Eater or America's Next Mayjah Non-Smiler. Although, both of those would be good shows.
Posh's spokeswhore tells SkyNews that this is just going to be a one night stand. Posh isn't about to replace our very little crazy pillhead. Besides, Posh is too busy working on her fashion line and walking through airports in ankle-killing heels. Seriously, she's always walking through airports.
Okay, Posh on Idol could be entertaining if her critiques are something along the line of this: (picture her saying this to a girl who weighs less than a lima bean) "You know, your voice could be mayjah if you weren't SO FUCKING FAT."
In other news, Michael Vick has just been announced as a permanent judge on Groomer Has It!
File this under: Ideas you come up with during Happy Time Cokey Hour should stay in Happy Time Cokey Hour.
Aubrey O'Day (the breathing foundation puff from Danity Kane) and her friend SnL decided it would be really entertaining to cover Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time" (aka the song that makes tranny dick stand up and salute). There's so many effects on this shit that it sounds like Aubrey has a vibrator up her yes-yes hole and is singing into a fan. Aubrey, don't make Eddie take the salty nutsack out of his mouth so he can come and slap you in the teefs for messing with his masterpiece.
Seriously, why tinker with something that is already soooo perfect: